Feeling like a failure as a parent!

Hi folks - Boy, do I need some perspective. This college admissions process with my son has me losing sleep and feeling like I have failed him in the worst way. He has been accepted to engineering programs at:

UCSB
UCSD
Case Western
BU
Purdue
U of Michigan

But was waitlisted at:

Vanderbilt
Carnegie Mellon
Johns Hopkins

and rejected from:
Stanford
UCLA
Cal
Northwestern.

We discovered that he had failed to upload these most recent SAT scores to Hopkins and CMU. He is a fairly immature 17 year old (late fall bday) and has approached a lot of this process with impatience and, frankly, sloppiness. He’s very smart but won’t take input from us and may have hurt himself by not slowing down, creating relationships with his schools, and triple checking everything. At the same time, he is so married to the idea of himself as an intelligent achiever that these WLs and rejections are killing him. I think he has some good choices, but he is facing a painful day today and possibly a long learning experience filled with “what ifs”. I look back and feel that I should have insisted that he listen, that he show me receipts and emails, but during the process he was so resistant, only to end up regretful. Ugh! How does a parent let go of the feeling that I didn’t do my duty? Hope there are not others out there feeling as I do today.

Stats:
SAT Total: 2330 M: 770, CR: 800, WR:750
ACT: N/A
SAT Subject Tests: Molecular BIO: 800, M2: 760
GPA-UW/W: 3.75/4.15
Rank: probably 9/100
AP/IB classes: Sophmore: Bio (4), CalcAB (5) Junior: Chem (4) EngLitComp (4), AP Calc BC (5), AP Music Theory (5), APUSH (4) Senior: AP Stat (prob 5), AP Physics (prob 5)
Senior load: Multivariable Calculus, AP Stat, AP Physics, IR, Independent Study, Linear Algebra

Subjective:

Teacher Recs: Both should be very good
Counselor Rec: Should be very good

EC highlights:

Water polo four years, captain this year
Swim team two years
Track and field, two years
Athletic Council on Leadership
Principal Cellist school orchestra
Six years Local Philharmonic youth orchestra
DJ for local events, school dances, etc.
Camp counselor four years running as summer paid position
Lifeguard
School Musicals - Stage Manager 2 years/Assistant Director 1 year
Math Club
Tutor at local public school
Lots of music community service: playing at churches, events, hospitals

Awards
National Merit Finalist
AP Scholar with distinction
California Scholarship Federation Silver level
Sophomore Performing Arts Award

State or Country: CA, USA
School Type: Private
Ethnicity: White
Gender: Male

Rosebud- you seem like a fine parent. If you are paying for a private school, the college counselor should have been on top of your son re: the scores-- and now needs to take the initiative to get accurate information to the waitlisted colleges.

Big hug.

You’ve got some fine acceptances by the way. Assuming they are all affordable, your son has some solid decisions to make!

You could spend the next four years looking back with the shoulda woulda coulda’s. Wouldn’t you rather take a victory lap as you enjoy watching your son blossom at one of these fine colleges???

For some high-achievers, wait lists and rejections are their first experience with failure. I think it is crucial that you help your child learn to deal with it with as much grace and composure as possible.

It’s also a great opportunity to help them practice gratitude for what they do have. In this case, your son has six wonderful choices.

Set the example by letting go of what is past and embracing the future with excitement.

Your son’s stats (except for the sports) are close to what my son had. But he got a letter from one university stating that he did not qualify for financial aid because of his low SAT score. The score they had was one that came from an SAT test he took IN SEVENTH GRADE to qualify for some summer program (Rocky Mountain Talent Search). Geeez…

BUT… why is that your failure? At some point (like, NOW), your son needs to be responsible for (and accept the consequences of) HIS actions. Move forward with the good choices you have.

You must be a great Mom or you wouldn’t worry so much that you are a failure! You can only do so much to help. At some point he decided he knew best and didn’t want so much help. He looks like a fantastic student, but truthfully, his GPA is a little on the low side for the schools he was rejected from (test scores are fantastic but these schools weigh GPA heavily). I really don’t think you or he did anything wrong in the application process for those schools so give yourself a break. As far as the 2 to which he did not submit updated scores and is WL’d, make sure he does so immediately! It may be enough to bump him over to the accepted side. The acceptances he has are for some pretty fantastic programs and he will find he is challenged at any of them. I am guessing that in a year, you will look back on this and think how well it all worked out. Best wishes- it’s almost over!

I understand how you feel, and this day is endless, to boot. You can’t make your kid grow up: he has to do it himself, and take the lickings that come. Your son sounds like a great kid, who will bloom wherever he’s planted. I am somewhat frustrated with my own son, who couldn’t be brought to visit more than a couple of colleges or buckle down to applications until rather late in the season, and I am also guilty of secondguessing myself–if I had nagged him more, if he had been made to study harder, blah blah blah. Your kid, like mine, has great choices anyway. Just get ready to hug him, come the last decisions, and don’t look back.

I agree with blossom! And he sounds like a great kid and one who will do well. This is in no way a report card on your job as a parent.

I have boys, too. Very smart, high achieving, but not always very mature or far sighted. I feel like I could have have vigorously managed their college searches and perhaps had better results (not to mention managed their high school careers), but that wouldn’t have been fair to them or respected their ability to make their own choices. A few wait lists and rejections are tough, but not fatal. They learn from them. Maybe they didn’t send in latest scores, like your son, maybe they learn they should have taken the SAT again (my sons) or applied to a broader range of places (my sons). It works out and they go forward.

Older son was very ill prepaid for the college app process, despite being a super smart kid. He didn’t know what he wanted and didn’t want to write essays in advance. I could have pushed him and done some heavy editing, but didn’t. He got into a perfectly fine school and is thriving. He now is advocating for himself in getting into classes, meeting profs, getting scholarship $, getting good jobs—it is amazing. Maybe he learned from his lackluster college app experience, maybe he just needed a little more time to mature and be able to do this for himself.

And it is all him. These are his achievements, not mine.

So he’s learned something about the importance of sweating the details. This will serve him well in the future.

Meanwhile, he has some fine schools to choose from. If I were in his place, I would be leaning toward UCSD, but maybe I’m prejudiced because my son got his master’s degree there. The other schools that have accepted him are good choices, too. I’ve heard lots of positive comments about Case Western, for example.

What’s wrong with the several schools that he has been admitted to? Are they affordable? If so, then he has some fine choices to choose from, so that hardly looks like a “failure”.

A “failure” in college admissions would be getting no admissions or none which are affordable, or a change in academic interests results in none which are reasonable academic fits.

He has some excellent acceptances.

You do know that you can send that higher SAT score NOW to the waitlisted schools.

But really…his rejections are from schools where LOTS of kids are getting rejections. The schools have very, very low acceptance rates.

You did what you could. As noted above…sometimes the school of hard knocks is the best way to learn. But really…send those higher SAT scores to CMU and Hopkins…NOW.

Thanks for the kind and thoughtful responses - everything you say is true and helpful and I will continue to show him an optimistic face - both my husband and I agree that he must look at his approach and take responsibility, but I do wish it were in a less consequential arena ; ) I know he’ll be happy in the end but things could’ve been so much simpler. It is an emotional time - both in preparing to send him away and to release him psychically. No failure here, just growing up, for all of us, I suppose. Thanks again to all. <3

Rosebud, he has some great chioices so no worries.

What was the actual SAT score that the schools received? It may not have made that big a difference.

And yes, he sent the SAT scores right away - the earlier score was 2190, as opposed to the 2330. No idea if sending them will make a darn bit of difference but UGH! to turn back time : )

Only failure you can make yourself feel bad about is the failure to raise a driven child ( not that you did not give him/her all the opportunities I am sure). Sometimes it is innate but often kids that can get by without trying think they can skate along all the way.

And don’t put anything on yourself this is HIS school experience. Is he devastated (like you are) or is he taking like a man? If it is the latter perhaps its you who needs consoling, if not, time to tell him to man up and take responsibility for once and not have you helicopter for him ( liek posting here)

My take on this is that CC should be a safe place to vent. And saying these things to other parents you don’t know is the least helicoptering thing you can do. You aren’t venting to parents at your son’s school, or to his gc, or yelling at your son that he is a failure since he wouldn’t let you take charge of the whole process. And you aren’t planning a march onto the WL college’s Admissions Dept. lawn. I would say you are handling this disappointment okay.

Take a deep breath and release the guilt. Hug your kid and tell him you are proud of him. A life lesson that didn’t result in jail time, a car crash, or a pregnant girlfriend…yes, it might hurt just a bit, but you and your family can get through this and still have great choices.

2190 is in the 98% range of kids taking the test and the 2330 is in the 99+ range. Not sure what a big difference this makes at those particular schools.

My only advice now is to not bring it up EVER again. Let him deal with it.

You know your son and knew at the time to let him handle things. You made the best decision at the time.

He does have some great choices. He will be fine.

thanks @powercropper - I am trying to keep my mouth shut and be excited about his opportunities, going about my business (while cringing inside!) He is pretty driven but also, as was mentioned before, not massively organized or patient. Yes! They are all growing and learning - breathing, breathing … best of luck and life to all and thanks again

For engineering, your son has amazing choices. For kids who are applying to the most selective schools, multiple rejections and waitlists at some of the schools they applied to are to be expected. It is only the rare student who doesn’t get them. By the end of today there will be many many strong students who will be faced with rejections. Your son is one of the lucky ones in that he has Michigan and Purdue, which are in the top 10 on US News for Engineering, as well as other excellent choices.

IF he prefers the WL schools, have his counselor send a letter to each of them with a copy of the new scores, upgraded transcript as well as them being sent officially. Yes, get your stomping boots on, and get that GC moving to get him off the WLs. And yes, the scores made a difference, IMO at all three of those schools. Also, if it’s important, some things do need some parental involvement in college. I’ve seen administrations and other bureaucracies blow away inexperienced young adults, when a seasoned Mama or Papa grizzly gets the results. My friend’s son would not be graduating this spring, if the parents did not do some kicking at his college. They got results real fast when they growled and kicked. They were not doing their jobs at the school, and just gave the kid a run around.

What you going to do…i’m all “bringing the horse to water but can’t make him drink” today…your kid sounds like my 2nd kid…who is also (I am predicting this) going to be so-so on his college approach while being devastated by the rejections…

BTW, one lesson i’ve learned with my first kid…and I wish I had understood this…but the most elite colleges announce last…which means that even the best kids end with a losing record, so to speak. She was waitlisted from georgetown yesterday and will likely be rejected from upenn at 5…and it’s kind of a shame that after this great year, the last two responses are negative ones.

But que sera sera…