<p>cobrat - you seem to have friends and relatives who are constantly making bad choices or give opinion when not needed. If your friend is going out with someone who needy and immature, and if your friend doesn’t enjoy the person’s company, then your friend should stop going out with this person. It has nothing to do with balancing out someone’s life, it has everything about been in a bad relationship, and your friend need to know when to get out of a bad relationship. On the other hand, one needs to go out with some bad suitors in order to find a good one.</p>
<p>My daughter is in a relationship with someone who is 4 hours away. She often works 16-18 hour day, but the manage to see other on weekends. He doesn’t expect her to call or have long chat with him on weekdays. He comes to see her more often than she goes to his place. </p>
<p>H and I carried on a long distance relationship when he graduated. After we got married, both of us were very busy with our jobs, but we made an effort to carve out time for each other and for our kids. </p>
<p>cobrat - do you have any real life experience of your own to share with us here? You seem to know so many friends and cousins with bad experiences. One thing I will also share with you is that relationship is complicated, what you observe as an outsider may not always be the true story, so I wouldn’t be so judgmental of someone else relationship. We also grow with each relationship, may it be good or bad.</p>
<p>My relative married about 3 years ago. It was the first marriage for both bride & groom. Both were overjoyed and continue to be very happy in their marriage–both were in their 40s. It was the first serious relationship for each of them. They have just adopted an adorable young boy who is seven years old to their family. It has been a very harmonious relationship and both are so happy they waited until they met the right person.</p>
<p>I have known several folks, including close relatives who have had to spend a significant part of their “courtship” and sometimes marriage thousands of miles apart. They were able to handle these challenges and I believe their relationships were stronger because it helped them solidify what each of them wanted & made their time together more precious. Of course, some relationships (including some I’ve had) do not do well long distance. Other friendships we’ve had are fine even though we are thousands of miles apart. There are many factors involved.</p>
<p>OP, I was very much like you when I was your age. I didn’t really date much in high school or college. I had a boyfriend at the very end of college, but then he went to grad school in CA and I got a job in the DC area, so that didn’t last. After working for a couple of years, I decided to go to grad school to pursue a PhD. It was there that I met my husband (another nerd, just like me!), when I was 25. However, because we were poor, we didn’t end up getting married for 6 more years. I had my first child at 34 and my second at 38. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that you are too young to be worrying about being an “old maid.” The right person is out there for you somewhere and may even be at the school where you’re going to pursue your PhD, just like mine was. You really never know.</p>
<p>I don’t have any good advice for maintaining a long distance relationship except to get together as often as you can. We were lucky that I could spend my summers out in California and that we both had parents in DC so that we generally met up there at Christmas time. I spent at least a couple of spring break weeks out in California as well. Otherwise we both tried to enjoy life where we were - we went to parties, found friends to see movies with. It wasn’t always easy, I was somewhat tempted by another guy at least once and was often lonely when some of the friends I’d done things with paired off with other people. It was made somewhat easier because I’d already failed my junior year in college at maintaining a relationship with a guy who spent his junior year in Taiwan so I was both more determined to make it work, but also aware it wasn’t the end of the world if it didn’t.</p>
<p>Hi psych_!
About a month or so ago, I went to the wedding of my college roommate’s daughter. My college roommate got married right out of college at age 21. Her daughter will be 33 next month and has a younger, unmarried sister who is 29. I just think that things are different nowadays. I am going to another wedding in a couple of weeks, one of my local friend’s daughters. She is 27 and met her future husband in the last year or so. She was in grad school on the opposite coast from where her parent’s lived and decided to try one of the dating web sites. It worked! :)</p>
<p>But what really stuck out about your post is that you say you are involved in a “male heavy” sport. That’s a wonderful, casual way to gather some “guy friends.” Sometimes it develops into more. I met my DH while playing touch football before classes started in grad school. There were very few women playing and about 40-50 guys. I am very athletic and just wanted to play. I wasn’t looking for a spouse, just to defend against the guy who had already caught two touchdown passes. I married him about 4 years later. We will be celebrating our 35th anniversary in less than two months.</p>
<p>I can recommend a good book : Meet to Marry by Bari Lyman. She is Jewish, but really the principals in the book are not religious but more universal and can apply to anyone. In general, our culture does not “meet to marry” very well… lots of superficial dating and so on. I like this book because it asks you to focus on who you are and who you are looking for. Once you can do this, you can then meet and date people who are good possible matches. We tend to be very goal oriented about school and jobs, and don’t apply these skills to dating but it can be similar. Know who you are and what is important to you in another person.</p>
<p>I cited my older relatives/HS classmates’ friends experiences because they gave me a good glimpse into potential pitfalls of being in a relationship/thinking about one if one is in the midst of completing one’s education and/or trying to get established in a highly demanding career. </p>
<p>From my vantagepoint…unless you meet an unusually mature level-headed SO who is supportive of your educational/career goals…it’s a bad idea to rush into a relationship or worse…marriage. Especially if you’re only 24 or less. </p>
<p>One thing I’ve noticed was that those who prioritized their educations/getting established in careers first ended up not only being much happier…but ended up with more compatible SOs/spouses than those who prioritized relationships…especially with needy immature SOs or worse, gave them up for them. </p>
<p>As for the judgmental part…can’t help that considering I’ve actually met several of my friends’ SOs in person and saw their immaturity and needy behaviors firsthand. </p>
<p>Sometimes…especially if those SOs were female…I’ve wondered if the adage that “Women mature at an earlier age than men” was off considering some behaviors/unreasonable demands I saw being made of my friends in my presence. </p>
<p>Heck, the mother of a friend who got married to a wonderful supportive and mature young woman last summer came up to me out of the blue after the wedding to tell me she’s relieved his last girlfriend broke up with him and won’t be joining their family considering how immature and needy she was. All she needed was my glance to see that I knew exactly where she was coming from. Previous girlfriend was the type who felt entitled to demand my friend take her out to eat 5+ days/week while he was in his last year of college/starting work with a lot of college debt hanging over his head.</p>
<p>I’d thought it be obvious in the way I wrote my previous comments. </p>
<p>Here is the boiled down version:</p>
<p>24 is way too early to be worried about settling down…much less feel like an old maid unless you’re living in some rural area, feudal society, or an extremely conservative religious family where everyone’s expected to be married by 21…or younger. </p>
<p>Finish your university dreams if desired and have the career established on some level before the relationship stuff so you have more time to explore and learn more about yourself. </p>
<p>Only exception to this is if you & your SO are unusually mature for their age (i.e. Not so immature and needy they’d demand you have no life of your own or bombard the workplace with phone calls because they’re “bored”).</p>
<p>^^^are you saying most 20 somethings are too immature to have work/life balance? Most of D1’s friends are in some sort of relationship and they are all working or going to graduate school. They all seem very happy. I don’t think any of them are ready to get married any time soon, but they are exploring. </p>
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<p>Again, why is it important what other people expect. If OP wants to wait until later on to get married, more power to her. If OP wants to meet someone now and get married, that’s great too.</p>
<p>I cited those areas as exceptions to the increasing mainstream trend that thinking one’s an “Old Maid” at 24 is considered a bit old-fashioned. Heck, the term “Old Maid” itself sound very old-fashioned to my ears as the only folks I’ve heard using it tended to be older boomers and older.</p>
<p>Thanks for the replies. Like I’ve said, I’ve dated and been in one somewhat serious relationship, so I’m not a <em>complete</em> newbie to the relationship thing. I tend to be attracted to people physically more after I’m attracted to them emotionally/intellectually, so I’m not at all opposed to the “friendships that become something” more thing, even though I’ve been on the sucky, unrequited side of that before, too. </p>
<p>My parents have had really good relationship my entire life, so I’ve always sort of seen a good marriage as the “most important” part of life in terms of happiness, as old fashioned as that may sound. Even though I’m very committed to school/my career and plan to remain so (I really like what I do), I probably see a good marriage as meaning “more” in the long run, to be honest. That said, as an abuse researcher, I do definitely keep an eye out for “red flags” with dates and am generally wary of rushing into marriage, etc. A good marriage/relationship can be wonderful, but a bad marriage/relationship can be awful or worse. </p>
<p>Having both done the long-distance thing myself and seen it be hell for friends, I’d have to admit that I’d be quite wary if doing that for a prolonged period of time, although I know it works for some. Even if you talk pretty much every night and communicate well, as ex-bf and I did, the distance/separation still wears on you, IMO.</p>
<p>Psych, something will come along. Don’t feel like an old maid. To be completely honest, I’m 21, IN a long-term relationship, and wondering why the heck I’m not making wedding plans since it seems like every one I know is. And then I look at their wedding pictures, which look more like prom pictures, and realize that half of them can’t even legally drink at their own weddings! That’s when I go “oh yeah, THAT’S why I’m not getting married yet!”</p>
<p>My parents both had terrible marriages in their 20s that they rushed in to. They then married each other during a whirlwind romance in their late 20s/early 30s and they’ve had a very strong, stable relationship ever since. I almost rushed into marriage at 18 and oh dear that would have ended terribly. </p>
<p>Good luck, and you’ll be fine :D</p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better (and I don’t know you, so it might), the majority of marriages you’re seeing will probably end in divorce. Sad, but true. Most people nowadays in the 20s aren’t ready for marriage IME. That’s not to say they can’t make it work! They just don’t seem to know quite what they’re in for.</p>
<p>Me too! Just didn’t want you to feel alone on this thread… </p>
<p>The earliest of my cohort is getting married about now. So far I have seen five of my high school and college friends get married, and more of people I just know in general. Funny to think that my parents, who came from very traditional families, were married at 25, and I am still in school at this age with no prospects… </p>
<p>Still, my impression is that in today’s world 24 is considered too young to be an old maid. Median age of first marriage is approaching 30 these days.</p>
<p>Finish your education now, while you’re young, single and have no children. You have plenty of time for relationships in the future. One of my friends married at 35 and had 3 children by the time she was 40. :)</p>
<p>I married at 22 and if I had it to do all over again, I would have waited. I’ve always wanted to go back to school but with kids to support and bills to pay, I never had the time or money and probably never will.</p>
<p>The good news is that the marriage penalty for smart women has gone away. Median age of getting married, though, is hanging around age 30 for women with graduate degrees. I will be attending a wedding this weekend of a very successful 36 year-old woman who finally met the right guy. One downside of waiting that long is that if she is not pregnant in the next 1 or 2 years they will probably never have kids.</p>
<p>It has been my experience that a lot of successful women, especially the ones in male dominated professions, are just awful at flirting (probably not the case of the OP as she is dating regularly). It involves implied submissiveness that would be the opposite of business-like behavior. Getting better at it can increase the efficiency of meeting men.</p>
<p>To - you are doing all the right things, are emotionally in the right place, and it seems like waiting until you are in your PhD program to start dating seriously is the right call.</p>
I married him about 4 years later. We will be celebrating our 35th anniversary in less than two months.</p>
Like I’ve said, I’ve dated and been in one somewhat serious relationship, so I’m not a <em>complete</em> newbie to the relationship thing. I tend to be attracted to people physically more after I’m attracted to them emotionally/intellectually, so I’m not at all opposed to the “friendships that become something” more thing, even though I’ve been on the sucky, unrequited side of that before, too. </p>