<p>This seems like such an insignificant topic compared to the real struggles so many of you have posted but nonetheless… S, a college junior, emailed this week that he had quit the soccer team. He had discussed the decision with me , it was actually the only phone call he has made from school to my office in 3 years, so it wasn’t a surprise. He isn’t a star, rarely gets to play and was quitting because most of his friends had graduated and he found it too time consuming. So all in all it was a good, well thought out decision, but it has left me sooo sad. I think the issue is that it marks the end, perhaps of his childhood . He has played soccer since kindergarten, as have our other children, and some how this makes me feel like he is really moving on from us. I don’t really understand my response. Have any of you had a similar experience?</p>
<p>I had similar feelings when my son, who had been recruited as a football player, chose to attent a college on an academic scholarship and leave football behind. Part of the issue for me was that he self-identifed as a “football player,” and I was not prepared for the shift. And, I will admit that nearly two years later I miss my son the running back.</p>
<p>Sort of. D is a senior this year, and although she’s going to complete her 4th varsity year, is ready to give it up now. The only reason she’s staying in it is for the credential of all four years, and the wins on her record. But her spirit departed sometime in the last several months - outgrowing it, as you said with your son. </p>
<p>It feels very strange and sad because three years ago I couldn’t have imagined this; it seems very, very strange to think of her minus the 2x daily practices, all the associated laundry, the commitment to specific diet, etc. It feels like a loss. </p>
<p>In addition, we are very close friends with a family, two sons who played their sport since junior high. Both sons went to college and quit their teams after the first year - the young men simply became very interested in other things, but their parents were surprised, then sad for a while. </p>
<p>I think your feelings are entirely normal.</p>
<p>I think the loss is now viewing your child as being a bit different from how you had always seen him. Somehow it seems a bit of a loss when as kids become more active in shaping their own characters they give up something that we always had thought was an essential part of their being. </p>
<p>I had similar feelings when younger S stopped pursuing musical activities and when my older S stopped being a journalist. I remember that my mom expressed similar feelings when I stopped expressing an interest in becoming a doctor, something that i had been interested in since early childhood, but lost interest in when I was in h.s.</p>
<p>I had a similar experience when my DS had to decide whether to commit himself to studying music or an academic subject. I know that even though he is academically gifted, music is his true passion. He has wanted to be a professional musician since 4th grade. But he very reasonably decided that his chances of performance in one of the top ten orchestras was slim, and went with the academics. He still studies playing and theory, just “in case” an opportunity arises. My head says it was a good decision. My heart is a little sad, because he is passionate about music and the decision represented the first in a long list of concessions we make as adults. Some dreams become reality, but many of them don’t. It’s just hard to let them go.</p>
<p>lkf…my D. had to make a similiar choice. She attends the performance HS and in 10th grade had to decide if she would go for AP’s in 11th or the advanced music studies (wasnt time to do both). In her case she opted for the music studies. (She wants to be a pop singer and is actually recording a demo today after a year of preparation!)
However, she didnt think about it alot…it was just what she knew she had to do…so it wasnt a struggle. (She is in the advanced music studies now and though she has always been a good student…she has also wanted to go make her mark in the industry too…the music studies has kept her interest in school.)</p>
<p>SRMom…it is hard to let go of things…but my suggestion would be to look forward to the new things that are coming up and the new aspects in the world your child will come across.</p>
<p>angstridden,
He didn’t have any problem integrating a full AP schedule and music studies, ensembles and competitions in high school (public), but the college decision was difficult. There are lots of conservatory graduates vying for the same few jobs. He does have academic interests that are more lucrative, so he went with that. I am glad, though, that he is still studying his instrument and theory with professionals and playing in local ensembles. The music interest meant he refused to really consider colleges that weren’t in a city with musical opportunities. </p>
<p>I have to say that I think I would have also been a little sad if he studied music in college (very one dimentional and consuming, as far as I can tell) and didn’t nurture his academic potential. But you can’t do everything!</p>
<p>I think some students, like your DD, just know that they HAVE to do music, no matter the odds. Unfortunately, my DS just didn’t have a clear preference. Good luck with the demo!</p>
<p>SRMom3 ~</p>
<p>Your feelings are 100% normal.</p>
<p>My DS, who is now a high school senior, swam for 8 years, most recently as a senior elite swimmer with a major club. His hard work and diligence had paid off very early in high school, with his making cuts for junior nationals, us open, and us grand prix. At the end of the summer season, he spoke with his coach about the upcoming year, and returned home all fired up to make it to the next level. Then, we went on vacation and soon after DS quit…bang!</p>
<p>I have to tell you I was despondent for quite some time. Even though DS quit for the right reasons (tired of years of no free time, physical stress-induced illnesses, stress of combining academics with elite sports, family dificulties, worries about doing it all again at the college level - NCAA DI…), I felt the loss of such wonderful potential, and I felt the loss of all those shared memories and experiences. I quickly recognized that I would have no tie to all those activities that would fill the void created by loss of swimming; I felt alone. The depth and breadth of my feelings was breathtaking, even surprising me…it was like a death in the family.</p>
<p>It has been a year now, and the pain for me has subsided somewhat, though I do continue to peek at scheduled meets and swimmer outcomes, and wonder how it might have been.</p>
<p>Even though my DS is happy with his decisions (though sometimes I know he flirts with idea of returning to the sport), I know he misses some aspects of it. Not long ago, DS and I were out of town in a hotel (our family is close by, so we seldom stay in hotels), and out of the blue DS said he kind of missed those days when we travelled a lot to swim meets and stayed in hotels very frequently. So, we propped ourselves up in our respective beds, turned on the TV, and enjoyed the feeling of away-ness together that we had shared so many times.</p>
<p>I also try to tell myself that it took a great deal of courage for my DS to walk away from a real “island of competency” and strike out into the unknown. The college he plans to attend offers non-NCAA swimming and he’s very happy with that (big fish/little pond). I’m glad he had the elite swim experience; I know that he learned a lot from it…and so while he might not swim in a highly competitive environment ever again, he will know in his heart that he was great at it (and has piles of medals and ribbons and memories to show for it).</p>
<p>Allow yourself the time to grieve for this loss, because it is. Recognize, too, that you will always be close to your child, and that the memories you shared when he participated in soccer are firmly tucked in his heart. You know, kids often stay in a sport because they are afraid of leaving it for the unknown. They feel more secure staying the course in an activity they might feel isn’t right for them, than breaking away from it. Take heart, it looks like your son has built the confidence to move on with his life…he just needed a little time. Stay strong. OB</p>
<p>Oh I see what you mean. In D’s case…they are required to take certain courses then they can take extra AP’s or tryout for the performing arts (theater, art or music) HS, so they dont have room in their schedule for both. The performing arts takes up the am and the required courses the pm.
Yes you are right…she says no matter how long it takes she will try to make singing her profession and not doing that is not an option. </p>
<p>I am glad you wrote your note…today is her demo day and I was going to let hubby take her (its quite a distance) and after reading your note it dawned on me that I had to go also…its the culmination of so much work she put in …writing her songs…going back and forth with the producer etc.
What happens after we get the demo back (and send it out) will be interesting also.</p>
<p>SRMom3~</p>
<p>I can VERY much relate to what you are feeling, and I do NOT think you are being silly at all. No, of course it’s not a “tragedy” but it IS a very poignant event on the continuum of your son’s journey from boyhood to manhood. {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} to you.</p>
<p>My son left the high school basketball team after his sophomore year. Though he did not play basketball for as long as your son played soccer, he did LIVE and BREATHE it for 6 or 7 years. He was never destined to be a star. He is only about 5’9" tall with just a moderate amount of natural athletic talent. What he accomplished he accomplished out of sheer determination. He had always been an academic star—becoming a good basketball player required MUCH more effort than he’d ever put into anything before. </p>
<p>When my son was a sophomore, he didn’t make the JV team like some of the other sophomores. Instead, he was left on the sophomore team in the capacity of captain. He had the most wonderful year in his basketball career! He was the high scorer for that season and saw amounts of playing time that he never would have on JV. He was a starter for the first time in his life. </p>
<p>The thought of returning to the status of bench warmer did not appeal to him. He was carrying the toughest load of h.s. classes available on top of college math classes. He realized that whereas he would put in the same amount of practice time as everyone else, the payoff for his time/effort would just not be there. As he told me that fall, “Mom, my academics are the key to my future. I am never going to do anything college-wise in basketball–It is time to quit.”</p>
<p>Like you, I had a difficult time with this decision, though I never shared my feelings with my son–I only supported his choice. Still, I could not help glancing down at the little orange Nominations basketball charm on my bracelet and shedding a tear or two. It was the first charm I had bought other than those with my six children’s initials. To me, basketball symbolized my determined oldest son.</p>
<p>So, you see, I can totally understand how you feel about your son’s decision to give up soccer after all these years. I am so glad that he discussed the decision with you…it shows that this decision was an important one to him and that he did not act in haste. I’m quite sure this decision was a very, very difficult and poignant one for him as well as for you. I think you have a very wise and mature young man, and I wish him well as he finds new and exciting ways to fill the time gap that quitting soccer will leave. I’m sure he will do beautifully, as will you! ~berurah</p>
<p>I wonder if the kids move on more easily than the parents. Do you think they second-guess their decisions? It would be tragic for them to be twenty years older and as “what if”. I know I sometimes do. Darn that fork in the road!</p>
<p>I had a similar experience, and reaction, when my daughter gave up varsity sports after her sophomore year in college. Despite having been a three-season varsity athlete in HS, she found the commitment at the college level was, simply, interfering with her life, instead of being a welcome part of it. She still gets plenty of exercise between her IMs, Ultimate Frisbee, and skiing…but I do miss having a team member to root for and read about in the paper. I think those long bus trips really put a damper on the college athletic experience.</p>
<p>This is a wonderful thread. It is so validating to know that we sport parents mourn the passing of the era in similar ways.</p>
<p>My oldest played volleyball. She was club & reasonably serious about it for several years, traveling, etc. The program was okay, though no one had aspirations or abilities to lead to university volleyball. She quit a week into her senior season, simply not willing to play for that coach any more, they had a real personality conflict, it had been coming for some time, but we thought she would suck it up and get through the last season. We did support her quitting due to the effect on her emotions of the guy.</p>
<p>It was such a bummer to not be going to all the games and seeing all the other parents, I definitely had withdrawal. Thank goodness my D2 was still playing, she played varsity BBall that year and it was my saving grace, but then she was injured and we had 9 months of rehab with no sporty involvement. I really missed it.</p>
<p>Face it, when the kids are in high school, the only culturally approved involvement for parents is sports. Yes, you can watch music & theatre productions, but they are much more limited in the scope of your involvelment. With sports parents can go to weekly games/meets and talk to all the other parents, and send snacks for the team and travel in an caravan to championships, etc.</p>
<p>After years & years of most sports know to man, my oldest rarely plays anything- 4th year uni, too busy and my D2 is just beginning a club team in her favourite sport (it’s not varsity) I hope it works out for her and that we can see a few games!</p>
<p>D3 is trying a sport this year, so maybe I can still enjoy it for a couple more years!</p>
<p>I am sure it is just as bewildering to our kids when they give up such a large part of their identity and such a schedule filler. I would think having so many choices, after years of rigorous practice & diet schedules is a wee bit scary.</p>
<p>Do you feel a tug at year heart when you read high school sports results in the paper? Face it, being the parent of a sporty kid is just plain fun and I miss that fun!</p>
<p>SRmom – I went through the exact same thing. S quit soccer for music. He never looked back. I look back often. I miss the cheering in the stands. (The conductor gets mad if we parents cheer at the wrong times during the concerts. 
) I miss having a kid who’s a “star” player. Traveling with the team. Being scouted. Saying humbly, “Yes, he’s my son.”</p>
<p>The kicker (no pun intended) is that he made exactly the right decision, and we were behind him 100%. It was fun while it lasted.</p>
<p>lkf - I’m feeling quite the same. My oldest s is very gifted musically, was 1st chair trumpet throughout middle & high school, gorgeous sweet tone! Music is absolutely part of him - he “gets it”. He, too, needed to make a choice between seriously pursuing music performance and academia. Surprisingly, his decision was made on the advice of his private music instructors, band director, etc. They all didn’t recommend it. They told him that while he’s got the talent, there are too many other gifted musicians out there, all competing for few orchestral openings. Not to mention, a musician’s life is not an easy schedule once you have a family. Constant nights and weekends of performances is the norm. It would have been a “starving artist” scenario, he’s convinced. Still, he continues to play in college, though has dropped down to second trumpet - Directors naturally want the music majors in the higher positions, regardless of ability. While it’s hard for him to listen to lesser players struggling through the “better” parts, he knows he made the right decision. It’ll always be part of who he is, but he’ll never have the stress of trying to support himself (and potential family) with it. Perhaps our family tends to be too pragmatic…</p>
<p>lkf and people:
We have the same situation with our musician. My son was very involved with an excellent music school and we live in a very musical city. Now he’s at a LAC (loving it) but he does recognize that he has made a choice about music and he’s sort of moving on. Yesterday he told me he was just realizing what a great trumpet teacher he had here - not only was that teacher a professional musician with a real orchestra, but he is on faculty at a conservatory. </p>
<p>I try to reconcile my feelings with this by thinking about how lucky he was to have ever had that wonderful opportunity. Also, I hope he will see how important it is to appreciate great opportunities when they come along. </p>
<p>Also, I know, music will always be a big part of his life, whether that is playing in college ensembles or community ensembles down the road. (Not to mention he has great taste in music just to listen to!) </p>
<p>I’m thankful he has a passion that will last his whole life and he can participate in his whole life. Isn’t that the great thing about playing an instrument?</p>
<p>Amen! Regardless that they won’t be professional musicians or athletes, the depth those experiences has given to their personalities is forever a great thing!</p>
<p>I think kids know best what they need. (And if once in a while dropping out of something turns out to be a mistake, this too is a learning experience.) It is so important to cultivate and listen to one’s inner voice. As you grow up, choices and losses are inevitable… but the kids with reliable inner compasses weed out the right things and grow in the directions that best suit them.</p>
<p>I was a kid who was a ‘theatre geek’ in HS who stopped participating as a college freshman-- I wanted to free up all that time and explore other things a bit. However, I found my way back to music and plays later in college. I missed it and made a course correction. Never did it after college; don’t miss it at all.</p>
<p>I think it is natural to mourn the “losses” as a parent. Our “job” has been to open our kids up to many opportunities and to cultivate all the possibilities. It is a shift to see kids begin to winnow out activities, shut off avenues, let things go. But if we did our jobs by opening up the whole world to them, they do their job by setting the course that most makes them happy.</p>
<p>(sorry, duplicate post!)</p>
<p>Well said, SBmom. We did our jobs well.</p>
<p>
people,
Same situation here, and the reasons echo those you listed. Both the performance and composition professionals advised my son to pursue academic areas where he is very able and study music as a minor or a hobby, and to only study music as a major if he “has to and can’t bear NOT to do it”. Good advice, I think. Still, it is sad to see your kids narrowing their lives when you’ve spent the last 18 years broadening it with sports and music and other enriching experiences.</p>