Feeling Unhappy in College. Did I make the wrong decision? Will I end up transferring?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I am currently a freshman at Vassar and I’ve been here for about three weeks now. During my college search, I really wanted to go to a small LAC because I wanted the close-knit community and attention from professors. At the end of my search, my choices were between Vassar and Brown. When I visited Brown during ADOCH, I wasn’t much of a fan of the urban campus and I found that the heavy party atmosphere turned me off. I know that every school has a party aspect, and a part of me now wishes that I was interested in that, but as I have found out, I am NOT. I had no problem meeting people–I made friends quickly, actually, and some of them reached out to me afterward to see if I would be attending. I’m very outgoing, I LOVE meeting new people, and I get excited about being put in new situations. I am definitely introverted in that I like having time to myself, but I do love making friends and talking to people. While I did not get into Vassar’s overnight program (applied too late), I visited several times and felt great about it every time–so I decided that it must be the right place for me. The kids all seemed nice, the campus made me swoon (and still does), and I liked the small size–I felt like I’d get the personal attention I needed. </p>

<p>However, here I am in my third week of school. I really don’t feel at home. I like my roommate a lot, and several of the kids in my hall are very nice. My classes are so interesting and I’m really enjoying them although my workload is heavy. I really actually love spending time in the library just doing my work. However, I feel alone. I hang out with kids from my hall often, but a lot of the time I feel like the odd one out. I feel like I won’t make any real connections with people or find my niche. I feel nervous about approaching people here for some reason, and I haven’t found too many people that I have much in common with. Everyone else seems so happy, so comfortable, like they have already made so many friends. I’m definitely not athletic, so that rules out that avenue. I’ve attended several club meetings with people I know, but have’t met anyone new there. The other night, I went out with a group, and quickly discovered that I wasn’t even interested in going to a party. While they were in search of alcohol, I just didn’t care and ended up going home early and reading until I went to sleep. I guess I’m just an atypical college student. I didn’t even try to go out the next night when everyone else did–I just stayed in and talked to a friend from home on the phone, did homework, etc. While I’m not one to get homesick, I’m missing having people to hang out with and talk to. </p>

<p>I know that a lot of students struggle with this same feeling, but it seems like all my friends at other schools are doing so well and are so happy. They feel like their school is home. I just feel displaced. I have no idea what to do. Did I choose the wrong school? I think about whether or not I should transfer daily. I’m afraid that if it does come down to me having to transfer, I won’t be able to because of my financial situation–I know schools don’t give a lot of transfer aid, and I’m pretty much on full financial aid as my family makes less than this school costs to attend yearly. I feel like I screwed myself over. I’m starting to feel like I won’t ever feel the same way as my peers do about college, the thing that I worked so hard for in high school, which was so stressful and miserable. </p>

<p>I apologize for the length of this post, I guess I just need someone with a little more experience and insight to help me out. Any advice would be really appreciated. </p>

<p>Thank you!! </p>

2

<p>It is only a few weeks into the school year – I would say keep doing what you are doing, I think you will find your niche. Believe me, there are students there who aren’t really into partying. I bet some of them have been going out with their roommates and people on their floor just because it is what everyone else is doing. Some suggestions:</p>

<ul>
<li>See what is happening on campus Friday and Saturday nights that is not a party. Look for flyers about speakers, concerts, exhibits, meetings, etc. and try those out.</li>
<li>If you stay in on a weekend night, leave your door open. Someone else in your hall might be staying in, too, and they will feel more free to stop in. Suggest cards or a game or something if there is someone else “home” on a weekend evening.</li>
<li>Keep going to non-party activities with the people you know. You will meet more other people, and might start to click better with the ones you are with.</li>
<li>Keep trying clubs and take opportunities to do things like volunteer if you can.</li>
</ul>

<p>Your friends at other school might be putting on a front in some cases. I know several of my D’s friends where slow to settle in last year at their schools. A couple of them weren’t really settled until second semester, but all seem to have friends, like their areas of study, and be generally happy now that they are sophomores.</p>

<p>Reevaluate your situation in early February or so to decide if you want to fill out transfer applications.</p>

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<p>

Wait it out. You’ll be fine. You have connections. You just need to adjust to the new environment. You are not the only freshman having these thoughts. Chill</p>

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<p>I agree with Erin’s Dad. I don’t hear some of the signs that a transfer is inevitable. I think you just need to give it time and keep working to make connections/try things out. </p>

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<p>Thanks for your responses. While I do have connections, I don’t feel very “connected” most of the time and when I’m doing things in groups, I feel left out and like everyone else is in the group and I’m just not. They all seem so close to one another already. Thanks again :)</p>

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<p>I agree that you should give it a bit of time and of course you will anyway because you will at least finish out the semester. But I have met several students who were unhappy with their choice, transferred within the first year, and it was the absolute right decision for them. Certainly you can give it the whole year, but if it’s not clicking in a few months, then find the right school for you. My niece was miserable at her first school (she thought she wanted small, but it was too small), and stuck it out for the year and then transferred. She is gloriously happy now in a way that she could not have even imagined (because she was starting to think that she wouldn’t be happy anywhere). She waited a year, but my friend’s daughter transferred after one semester and it was also the right move. So keep doing whatever you can but at the same time, there is no harm in looking around for a better fit now that you may understand a little more about what will work for you.</p>

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<p>@ReadytoRoll How do you suggest that I look for colleges now? Should I try visiting on my breaks? </p>

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<p>How do you know that you wouldn’t feel connected at Brown or another school? Your friends are not you. Maybe it’s you, not the school. Nothing wrong with that, BTW, but it’s fallacious to assume that the grass is greener on the other side and that you’d magically be happier elsewhere.</p>

<p>You’ll persevere. And that would be a good thing.</p>

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<p>Don’t feel alone. Because you’re not. Let me tell you something, you really can’t judge other people’s college lives on what they post on facebook or any other type of communication for that matter. Comparing your own life to theirs will only lead to discontent. I had a good friend that started school 2 weeks ago. We have a “college buddies” group where we post stuff in it to stay connected with high school friends. One who I am close with posted that she was really excited at her new college, posted some cool pictures, and had all this stuff going on that she really loved. Later on, when I asked her how things were going a few days later, she admitted she was at home for the weekend feeling a bit homesick and that she was a bit overwhelmed by things.</p>

<p>Which is completely okay. You’re not going to love every single thing about your college or the people there. Once you transition past the “idealized” version of college and the reality, you can really start to enjoy it. When I talk to my friends about my current college, I don’t spend time talking about the negatives because there are so many positive things about it that I do enjoy. Hence, possibly giving off this “idealized” image. Yet things aren’t perfect and nor do I expect them to be. My roommate is very different than myself and is one of the “partiers” that you mentioned. At the beginning, I did feel alone as you did on some occasions. But I have found that there is so much else to do. Now I have formed close bonds with the non-partiers and yesterday night we had some late night conversations and played games in the dorms. Look around the event boards too, there is always something going on besides parties over here (we have an organization called “AMP” that specifically plans activities for sober minded kids.)</p>

<p>I’m not saying I will be easy. I too, am natural introvert and can sometimes feel like the odd one out. But reach out there and find people, sometimes on an individual basis, that connect with you. You might be surprised with who you find. Besides, being an introvert is not a bad thing. In fact, it gives me a chance to really be at peace and think about things. I enjoy just going outside and taking walks through the woods around campus to reflect. Just yesterday, I was taking a walk where there was a light rain outside. I decided to go anyway. There I met a girl who offered me an umbrella. We struck up a conversation and I found out she was a stilt-walker in her hometown. We talked for a while, then went on our separate ways.</p>

<p>Feeling alone is completely normal and I guarantee you even the people that most social of people feel that way. Don’t let that inhibit your ability to enjoy yourself in the places you can. Sometimes you just gotta make your own happiness. Take up a hobby or something you really find fulfilling. (Like for me right now, I’m joining the ukulele club with no prior experience) and get out of your comfort zone. If you love your school in every other day, but have this gnawing feeling on the inside, perhaps the thing you need to do is to just have someone you can talk to openly about this. Having just at least one person you go out with occasionally and have lunch or do an activity together with can make a difference so don’t feel pressured to hang out in groups. Once you get it out there, you will find that you are really not alone.</p>

<p>Good luck with everything, and don’t hesitate to shoot me a message if you ever want someone to talk to</p>

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<p>@Aquarianexpo in the case of my niece and also my friend’s daughter, both had another school that they realized later would be a better fit - they had already been to that school before. Are there any schools that you already visited that you think might be right? I have one other friend whose daughter transferred to a second school after completing one year at a school she where she wasn’t feeling it, and then came home for a year and went to community college while she regrouped and visited new schools. She is also very happy now but needed that year to figure out what she wanted. </p>

<p>I don’t see any harm in visiting friends at other schools this semester - but you can’t go away every weekend or you won’t know if your current school will work out.</p>

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<p>Having people to hang out with is different than having kindred spirits. An outgoing personality can have an easy time surrounding themselves with people. Finding someone they truly connect with takes time and commitment. You just aren’t going to get that in 3 weeks. Many, if not most of your classmates are still relying on “home” to meet those needs and for many, the texts, phone calls and skype to family and high school friends is holding them together while they hunt for that depth of support on campus. I know, it’s never the answer one wants to hear but what you really need is time.</p>

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<p>You mention you are introverted - that’s probably partly why you don’t feel connected - it just might not be your style to connect so fast to people. There are those who meet someone new and 10 mins later (or one party later) they are best friends. You are not like that . ( and neither am I!!)</p>

<p>Sometimes I wish colleges would specifically advertise new year events as “dry” - lets make it as easy for those who DON’T lie to drink as those who do!</p>

<p>Agree with the others - you’re doing great for 3 weeks in. </p>

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<p>What did you do on weekends when you were in high school? If you went to movies or the theater or music concerts, look for those opportunities now. If you stayed home, you can’t really expect things to be suddenly different. If you had friends that came from an activity (theater, debate, art club) and you spent time with them, look for those same types of clubs.</p>

<p>I think you are looking at your friends’ experiences at other schools and thinking it would be different for you if you were there. How? What opportunities for clubs or to meet friends do these other schools have that Vassar doesn’t?</p>

<p>I read often on CC about quiet, serious, non-partying freshmen having trouble fitting in at a new school. I’m not surprised. It takes time to meet people when you are quiet, want activities that involve talking to others about books or art or history. It’s easy to make friends if a group of 10 is headed to a football game or party because no one really talks about deep thinking things.</p>

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<p>I agree with everyone else – you sound like someone who needs to give it more time to meet “your people,” not someone who really hates their college and should transfer. And I think your concern about financial aid is very real and you should not discount that.</p>

<p>How many people have you really had the chance to meet so far, anyway? Out of how many total students at Vassar? Just because you haven’t connected with the people who happen to be living in your hall doesn’t mean that you won’t connect with any of the thousands of other students there.</p>

<p>Unless you can pinpoint something very definite about Vassar that you don’t like – it’s too big or too small, there’s nothing to do, etc. – and you can identify a school you could transfer to that would be different in that important way (but would still have all the other things that are important to you), I don’t think transferring makes sense. You can’t know that you would magically find the right mix of people at another school, and it seems like a roll of the dice to me for you to transfer expecting that to happen.</p>

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<p>Often in the first few months of school freshman cling to one another to get by, but the friendships do not always last. I bet the groups that you are observing now will not even be remotely the same a year from now. This is a difficult time of transition and I would advise being patient with yourself. You will find your “tribe” but it just might take a while. </p>

<p>My kids are not big partiers either and prefer a “dinner and a movie” type of Saturday night. Stay true to yourself and in due time you will attract the right people. And hey there is nothing wrong with considering a transfer, happens all the time. But my suggestion would be to give it a full year. It goes quickly!</p>

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<p>Do you have much experience adapting to new environments? If so, how does this experience compare to others? </p>

<p>fwiw, my introverted, slow-to-adapt daughter just started her second year at Vassar. Like you, she liked her student fellow and her hall-mates, really enjoyed her classes and had no particular complaints. But- it seemed to me that she settled in several waves- there was a big jump between Freshman Families weekend (next week for you) and going back after fall break, and another jump around Thanksgiving. She continued to settle in as the year went on, and this fall couldn’t wait for the summer to be over so that she could go back. It just didn’t happen overnight.</p>

<p>I would strongly suggest not focusing on whether or not to transfer until (say) after Thanksgiving. That leaves plenty of time to research and do applications for transfer applications if you want to- but gives you time now to grow into this new space. It only makes sense to give this path a fair chance to see if it is the right one for you- or not.</p>

<p>Three weeks is not very long. You might not be feeling ‘connected’ b/c you are somebody who takes their time making connections with new people- no bad thing, as another poster has said. If that is the case, then you are likely to find that it is in the accumulation of doing things with people that makes you feel connected. On the other hand, you many not be feeling ‘connected’ b/c the people that you have gotten to know first are just not people with whom you are going to connect particularly closely. That’s ok as well: it is very normal (almost typical) for people to move on from their first friends/acquaintances. It doesn’t say anything bad about anybody- it just is.</p>

<p>Give yourself a little time- and good luck! Let us know how things progress for you. </p>

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<p>It sounds like you are doing just wonderfully. Good for you! All of the aspects of freshman year are on the positive side of the ledger this early, which is great. But home is a special thing, you know? It will take time to feel like college is home. It will happen, but it will take time. Even if you transferred, the fairies wouldn’t sprinkle dust on you somewhere else to make you feel at home. That happens with time, experience and familiarity, none of which you have yet and none of which you will have anywhere else. I know a member of your class and he is outwardly doing fine as you are, but also hasn’t put down roots yet. I told him the same thing. Good luck!</p>

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<p>When my D was a high school junior and senior, she corresponded via email with a number of older friends who were college freshmen. Almost all of them had the sort of feelings you have. It was one of the best things she could have done because when she started college herself, she knew that college isn’t the Nirvana too many kids expect and she also knew that a lot of frosh put on a brave front. </p>

<p>Give yourself time. Here are a few things that sometimes help:</p>

<p>If you are at all religious, go to services for your faith. (Be careful to avoid cults though!) There’s usually some sort of social component to services.</p>

<p>Check out any community service projects, especially short term projects. There’s usually some sort of organization on campus that co-ordinates them. Spending a day with other students preparing a Haunted House for local kids for Halloween, volunteering to be a ghost, etc. for one, or building a home with Habitat for Humanity, etc. is often a good way to connect. </p>

<p>Volunteer for scut work. If someone has to collect the recyclables, clean up after the dorm pizza party, set up chairs for a conference, etc. volunteer to help. </p>

<p>Even if you aren’t athletic, you may want to play in intramural games. I’ve no idea of how it works at Vassar, but at some colleges, just getting enough people to show up so your team doesn’t have to forfeit the game is half the battle. </p>

<p>Be an audience. Go to a dance recital, a JV field hockey/lacrosse game, whatever–something you aren’t familiar with–and ask questions. It’s good to pick something where not all that many people show up. Ask questions–“I’ve never seen fencing and thought I’m come watch, can you explain the scoring?” If someone you vaguely know is trying to sell tickets to a glee club/orchestra/drama club performance and you can afford it, buy a ticket and go. </p>

<p>Go to classes early. Try to start a conversation with someone who is also there early. It doesn’t have to be anything more than “I really liked that reading about X” or "this week’s problem set seemed really hard…or is that just me?’</p>

<p>Give sincere compliments. “I really like your earrings” or “your presentation was great” can brighten someone’s day and help create the impression that you might be someone it would be worth trying to get to know. </p>

<p>Good luck. It only SEEMS that everyone else is comfortable…they really aren’t. </p>

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<p>You sound just like my D who is a freshman at Yale. She went to the same school since Kindergarten and had friends she had known for 13 years. She missed them terribly. She was calling me and telling me that everyone around her had such “large” personalities and that she felt out of place. She does not drink and is not a heavy partier, though she will go on occasion when her friends force the issue. After she did not make the club volleyball team (after being all region - 4 year varsity at home), she called home crying and saying she wanted to come home. She said that she had no friends and was never going to find an extra curricular that she could join. I listened and calmed her down somewhat.</p>

<p>The next day, she found out she made the Step Team and then found out she got the job she wanted. Within 24 hours things had changed for the better. She also talked to her high school besties and found out they were having some of the same issues. I would suggest you call your friends - I am sure they are missing you too and maybe just being a little better at hiding it.</p>

<p>Keep trying to find things that interest you. I am not saying this lightly - you will find something that you like. Those of you who are a little less outgoing just need a little more time. Trust me, at night in the solitude of their beds, even the most gregarious freshman is missing home.</p>

<p>Hope things work out.</p>

<p>PS Vassar is a great school. When I was in college, my BF went there. I spend many weekends there.</p>

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<p>3 weeks is way too soon to be making any judgments about whether or not you should be considering transferring. There are lots of people in college who will want to spend the first semester partying… primarily because they can and they don’t have parents wondering where they are at 2 AM. For some people, partying gets old very quickly and for others it is their lifestyle no matter what college, grad school, occupation or situation they are in.</p>

<p>When my older d felt like this early in her freshman year, I told her to hang in there, go for a walk when she was feeling lonely, go to the gym, go to an activity whether it might be a campus film, lecture, religious service, poetry reading, gallery exhibit and she learned early on that she need not be part of an entourage to do so. There isn’t any college that does not have some time of service organization that is in need of helping hands whether organizing a food drive, school supply drive, and so on. Join us, help someone in need and you might meet like-minded people. </p>

<p>Delve into your academic studies and take advantage of opportunities within your department. Trust me that within the first three weeks of the academic year, your department has not likely offered any get-togethers with upperclass majors and faculty meet/greet. My older d had a whole circle of friends that were older than her and she is still good friends with them many years later. She’s been at weddings and continues to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries for several. Some of her closest friends now attended her college but she didn’t meet them or become friendly with them until second semester junior year. She did develop close friendships with others in her dorm, not all on the same floor or building wing as well as others in classes, primarily in her major.</p>