Fights before kid leaves

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Parents! It’d be nice to get an input. Thanks! My mom and I have been getting into fights about my “attitude”. I seriously feel like she’s overthinking things when she’s saying that everytime she tries to talk to me, I just snap at her or act like I don’t want to talk to her. That’s totally not the case! I don’t get how she gets that. I asked her where she even got that and to stop assuming and putting things in my mouth and all she said was " it’s just this feeling you give me." Although I’m not a clean or tidy person(my room is a pigsty), she says that by ignoring her requests to clean my room, I’m disrespecting her and shunning her feelings.</p>

<p>She says I don’t appreciate anything that my dad or her give me because of the way I take care of my things. Yes, my car is a mess too, and so is my room. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate and am not grateful for all they have given me. I know I am considered lucky in comparison to all those kids out there, and that is why I never complain about my life. How does she not notice that I NEVER complain about my life.</p>

<p>She also said that by not eating “healthily”, I’m disrespecting her because I don’t think about her feelings ahead of mine. However, I just eat at odd intervals of times because I wake up late in the summer. Then she basically says my life is a mess and I am a mess because I sleep late and I wake up late. Why do these things bother parents so? It doesn’t seem as if my friends’s parents care about those things since they never get in trouble over the same issues I do. </p>

<p>I feel like my mom is just overthinking and putting words into my mouth. When I tell her that, she just laughs and goes, “Now THAT’s funny. Don’t think I don’t know you. I’ve been watching people for 40-50 something years and you would think I can read you better than you can.” </p>

<p>Do I just let her think what she wants and ride it out for another month before I leave? But then, she also threatens to take away my college tuition and “priviledges” and donate it to some kid who “deserves it more” if I don’t “shape up”. I’m not even a bad kid, I feel as though she should appreciate me not doing things behind her back, like so many other people I know that do things behind their parent’s back. I feel like she should appreciate me for not going out and partying, and NEVER being drunk OR high in my LIFE. </p>

<p>But no, she goes on and claims how she has been a failure as a parent to raise a MONSTER like me. She basically called me a selfish, spoiled ***** who isn’t worthy to be her daughter. What the heck? She said she wanted to throw me out of the house NOW so she wouldn’t have to live or deal with me. And that maybe that way, I’ll “appreciate” more. As if I don’t already. </p>

<p>Is this just a mom talking because she knows her kid will be gone in a month and a half? Or is it really an issue?</p>

2

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<p>It’s possible…
She may be lashing out at you to “get your attention”. While I don’t necessarily agree with that tactic, maybe she didn’t get your attention other ways.<br>
She’s asked you to clean your room…and you haven’t so you’ve pushed her button for some reason…it carries over to other subjects and soon you have that mountain made from a molehill…</p>

<p>You need to sit down and try to have a civil conversation with your Mom before you leave for college. This is something that can be fixed.</p>

3

<p>Everytime I talk to her about college while we’re not angry at each other, she’s always acting like everything’s fine. She’s not the kind of person to tell you she’ll miss you or whatever. She doesn’t say any of that until she’s ****ed off. Sometimes I feel like its so hard to deal with her because she’s a walking contradiction.</p>

<p>I do admit the room is my fault. I did clean it though…it just got messy within a few days again.</p>

4

<p>She may be reacting to her own fears about you leaving, and not doing it in a very constructive way.</p>

<p>You need to make some effort here. Cleaning your car and your room (and maintaining them) and having some meals with your family will not be terrible. Both could go a long way in smoothing the waters. And do not throw those efforts into your mother’s face when things get tense! Then try not to rise to the bait when your mom behaves in ways that seem irrational to you.</p>

<p>How your mother handles this transition is her issue. You can just take the steps to make it a bit easier on everyone. Try to find a calm time to tell her you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you.</p>

5

<p>Maybe she’s worrying about how you are going to co-exist with a roommate if you won’t clean up after yourself, and whether you’re going to get up in time for classes and meals at school? As it gets closer to the date the freshman-to-be gets sent off to college, parents worry about whether we’ve taught the kid(s) the things they need to know to survive/thrive on their own.</p>

6

<p>Both you and your mom will survive- my son and I have (so far, there’s another month to go, and he’s been away to school twice already). Can’t say that I agree with you, save your post and reread it in 5 or 10 years…</p>

7

<p>Doesn’t really matter if your mom is right or wrong, or what her motivations are - she’s your mom, and it’s good for both of you to have a pleasant relationship. You can’t change her, but you can change your reaction to her. Sounds like the hot buttons are your messy room and car and your sleeping and eating patterns. You only have 6-7 weeks left, so you can certainly change your behavior a little to reduce the stress of the situation. I’m with the other parents on the room and car - tidy them up and keep them tidy. It may take more effort on your part, but it’ll definitely reduce the tension between the two of you. The other thing you can do is make an effort to stay in the same time zone as the rest of the family. If your mom is fixing food, make sure that you are on time to eat it. That is personally my biggest beef with my kids. I’m flexible about most things, but it makes me absolutely crazy to see lovely hot food getting cold and congealed on the plate.</p>

<p>When she yells at you, tell her calmly how her words make you feel. Be specific. For example, “My feelings get really hurt when you tell me that I don’t appreciate what you’ve given me.” My D did that to me a couple of times when I’d gone ballistic about something, and it stopped me short. We don’t always realize the effect that our rants are having on the people around us.</p>

8

<p>I wonder what would happen if you followed the advice above and cleaned up a little (and made a great effort not to throw it verbally in your mom’s face, much as you may be tempted)…and also, next time she “woofs” at you, were to say “hey, Mom, is this about you’re going to miss me next year”?</p>

9

<p>Until you have children of your own who go away to school, it’s hard to understand what a parent experiences during that time. Please keep in mind that your mother has cared for you for the last 18 years and, in addition to preparing herself for your absence, she is probably also concerned about how you will care for yourself while away at school. After a few months of crying and feeling sorry for myself after DD took off to school, I came to the realization that she had taken flight from the nest and soared … exactly what we had taught her to do over the years. </p>

<p>I remember a lot of tension between my mom and me when I was a senior in high school. We were constantly arguing. I will never forget the day I said, “I can’t wait to get out of here and go away to college” and she replied with, “And I can’t wait for you to go!” I think it was just nature’s way of helping to snip the apron string. </p>

<p>I can only suggest that you try to be a bit more sensitive to your mom’s feelings during this time. While you’re preparing for a new and exciting (and possibly anxious) time in your, your mom is dealing with her own anxiety. As a parent, I know I love it when my DD comes to me and just talks, no matter what it’s about. I’ll bet your mom is the same … just talk to her. You’ll both benefit from it. Good luck!</p>

10

<p>It is certainly hard for a child, on the verge of becoming an adult to see things from an adult perspective- just because they aren’t there yet. What some children overlook is that the parent however, has the benefit of having lived both angles.
My wife feels God causes teens nearly adult to be hard to get along with just so its easier for both when they leave the nest.
But if you think my comment and my wife’s don’t suit your liking, if you don’t feel the need to give in to your parents wishes, that’s ok too. Prove to them you are an adult! Show them you’re an adult! Be your own Boss! Make your own rules. Show them how unfair their rules and wants are! Yeah! So there! And while you’re all fired up, tell them thanx for raising you, but now you are an adult making your own rules. You don’t have to follow their rules, you are your own boss. And add that as your own boss, naturally you do not wish to be supported financially in college, tuition, books, housing, clothes, auto, medicine, groceries, etc. Because you are now an adult and don’t need Mommy and Daddy’s support.
If you’re not yet ready to go support your self, then I urge you to go clean the room they provide you. When you are self supporting then you can choose how you want your room.</p>

11

<p>Parents don’t have the right because they are parents to be disrespectful of their children, especially growing up ones. And children cannot learn respect unless it is shown to them by their elders, so to speak. Name calling is hurtful. Older teens have very thin skins, low self esteem and are trying very hard to branch out in their lives. Parents get all tied up into knots because they do “love” their children and want the best for them. The battle is normal. Messy rooms, cars etc. are just part of the territory. It can reflect uncertainty, lack of direction and confusion in a person’s life. Going away to college can be a very stressful event for everyone concerned. </p>

<p>This is what I add. Practice kindness and tolerance. Life is short. You only have one set of parents. They mean well, have your best interests to heart and are in no way perfect. Be fair. Take a deep breath and attempt a clean up with a smile.</p>

<p>Another recommendation: put this in your hat and make sure you find a job for next summer. With it, you will feel better. In fact, I would look for a campus job during the school year. My son gets jobs on campus during the summer and has for his entire college experience. Make yourself proud!</p>

12

<p>hahahahahahahaha this is uncanny…my mom and I had a series of similar quibbles in the months before I left for college. We have always been extremely close and have a very good relationship. Basically, both of us were sad/nervous/scared/agitated all at the same time about my leaving, and all these emotions were just leaving us both prone to being irritated. But after we both adjusted to my being gone, the disagreements stopped and our relationship went back to normal…it’s great :slight_smile: Once both of you adjust, it’ll be fine!</p>

13

<p>Please ignore it. Same thing happened to me. I got in huge trouble because I got to the oil change place 5 minutes too late and had to wait until the next day. They still love you but it certainly won’t seem like it until move-in day.</p>

14

<p>Are you really disrespecting your mom? Let’s see…
-Your room is a pigsty, & your mom repeatedly asks you to clean it.
-Your car is a mess, ditto (Was the car paid for my your earnings from a job?)
-Not likely, as you sleep in & wake up late. In a pigsty room.
-Job? Productive summer in any way? (Sleeping in is not productive.)
-You don’t make an effort to eat with the family. You choose odd times. (Am I wrong in assuming that you leave the kitchen a pigsty, much like your room?)</p>

<p>All these actions are disrespectful. Easily fixed, too. Your mom is also anxious about the likelihood that such an undisciplined teen can succeed on her own in college. Shape up & give her the confidence to believe you can.</p>