Final Essay For Nyu

<p>can u guys comment/feedback/edit please.. thnx guys</p>

<p>experience gave me the maturity and confidence to be able to talk to strangers. It occurred on a plane ride back to New Jersey from a technology conference in Silicon Valley, California. Shy and aloof to those whom I did not have to interact with, I usually ignored strangers around me - those who walked by in the school halls, those who used the urinal before I did, and those who sat next to me on planes. Therefore, it was an unexpected turn of events when a man leaned his chair back against me, an event that changed my way of approaching people.
I sat down on the seat, took out a book, and entered into a different world. While I was absorbed in the story, I felt a wall slowly closing in front of me. Waking me back into the sad world again, I noticed a heavy man in front of me adjusting his seat and pressing his chair back into my knee. Okay, he will probably notice that he is a
little too far back any time.
An agonizing 360 seconds passed, and the pressure against my knee was excruciating. I tried to free myself, but there was nowhere to run. I tried to budge my way left. Failed. I tried to budge my way right. Failed. Oh my goodness, my next stop is going to b the hospital if I don't think of something quick. I thought hard.
Should I call support from the other two limbs above the helpless knee? I was desperate. I placed my hands on the seat in front of me,
and slowly and subtly pushed it to lessen the force on my knees. It
temporarily warded off the pain, but my support soon faded. There must be an easier way. I did not dare ask the older, larger man in front me. I was always the one who kept his mouth shut and held his selfish favors to himself. Raised in a Korean family, I was taught to treat elders with the utmost respect. My family lived a feudal system, where the oldest is the king and the youngest is the peasant. I was going against an omnipotent king.
The tables needed to be turned. I had to take actions for myself and go on the attack myself. With ferocity, I viciously retaliated by cordially asking, "Excuse me sir. Is it okay if you can move up your seat just a little, it's touching my knee," and concluded with a gentle smile. "Oh, of course. No problem." He adjusted the seat, and the backseat slowly backed away from its victims, letting them regain life after the dreadful damage. "Thank you sir, it's much better now"
This 10-minute event matured me to have confidence to confront strangers. Two weeks ago, I saw one of my timid friends scratching his head and struggling over a math problem. It caused a flashback of my own struggle on the airplane ride in my head. I sat next to him and supported his war against a calculus problem on
derivatives, concluding this struggle in less than a minute.</p>

<p>I actually like it, just dont like the part about the math problem- I see what you were trying to say, but its kind of irrelevant.</p>

<p>I like the idea, but this should definitely be reworded: </p>

<p>"With ferocity, I viciously retaliated by cordially asking..." </p>

<p>"Ferocity" and "viciously" are completely out of place in that sentence; you were in fact cordial - not ferocious.</p>

<p>Also,
"This 10-minute event matured me to have confidence to confront strangers." </p>

<p>I don't think "matured" is a verb...</p>

<p>It's good but if you change those things and think of a stronger conclusion it could be much better</p>

<p>Honestly, I think they'll stop reading after the first sentence. It's very cliched and you don't want it at all. The rest of the essay is okay.</p>

<p>Byrnz - matured is a verb, though not used correctly. And ferocity and viciously are all right - I think he was using hyperbole there, contrasting animal fights with a human being's social experiences on an airplane.</p>

<p>ty guys.. ok is this a better intro? please feedback again ^^</p>

<p>I was on a plane ride back to New Jersey from a technology conference in Silicon Valley, California when I underwent an experience that would teach me the true meaning of leaving your comfort zone. Shy and aloof to those whom I did not have to interact with, I usually ignored strangers around me - those who walked by in the school halls, those who used the urinal before I did, and those who sat next to me on planes. Therefore, it was an unexpected turn of events when a man leaned his chair back against me, an event that changed my way of approaching people.</p>

<p>Okay, that is a better opening. but still I don't understand this essay. Your entire way of being in the world was transformed by this single minor event? This is beyond belief. I cannot believe that you did not have equally world-shattering events happen, like being bumped in a crowded room, or having someone cut in front of you in line, or forget to shake your hand. I get your point and see what you are trying to say, I'd like to buy it, but the insignificance of this event cannot be overlooked.</p>

<p>And this"</p>

<p>I viciously retaliated by cordially asking, "Excuse me sir. Is it okay if you can move up your seat just a little, it's touching my knee," and concluded with a gentle smile. "Oh, of course. No problem." He adjusted the seat, and the backseat slowly backed away from its victims, letting them regain life after the dreadful damage. "Thank you sir, it's much better now"</p>

<p>is very odd. It is impossible to tell if you are joking or serious.</p>

<p>I hope you don't take offence if I say that this event would only be at all significant if you were 4 or 5 years old.</p>

<p>= [. I don't like to say things like that, but i'm afraid that's how the adcoms are going to think too.</p>

<p>Why are the comments not good? Personally, I think this is one of the better essays posted in CC.
But about the math part, how can you call a timid friend a stranger? That won't give a very good impression to the adcoms...</p>

<p>My advice is to read "On Writing the College Admissions Essay" by Harry Bauld. It will give you more insight than anything I could say. It's a fantastic book.</p>

<p>Your essay is interesting in terms of being a tiny slice of life that does get across with readability and with some details about you deftly. I am afraid that I have to agree that asking someone to move a seat off your knee as a subject on personal growth verges on ludicrous or perhaps what I mean: it strains credulity. You may be entirely sincere but I wondered if you were just pulling our chains to even post this. You don't want an adcom to wonder the same thing! I am not saying that addressing this sort of interpersonal bind couldn't be a rich little topic. But risk even more in telling about yourself when you are in a bind like this...and make more generous observations about others.
Perhaps you could address your introverted style and cultural background with a bit more whimsy with a story about yourself in your own hometown among people who are in your real world daily events.</p>

<p>good luck...I know it is tough to write....</p>