You know, it’s really a different economy than when we entered the work force. I used to think I’d be all hard “college graduation, done and done” but I feel differently now. I have hardworking, frugal kids so I’m ok with helping out and treating.
Eddie Bauer just had a great down coat sale and my H needed a new winter coat. We invited the kids along and got them each a new winter coat as well. These are coats they’ll have for years. S’s coat was wearing out and D only had a jacket.
Son is on our phone plan and health insurance. He doesn’t have a car, but we may give him one of our (very old) cars when we buy a new one - he will have to pay the insurance.
Daughter will be moving in with us for a few months this fall, when she begins her PhD program. She wants to save a bit of money to buy a car before getting her own place. She’s lived on the east coast for the past 10 years, and I’m thrilled to have her close again.
They lived at home for free until they found jobs at which time they all moved out of town. We paid for medical insurance until coverage through their employers kicked in. Also paid for phone and car insurance for about 3 months until they were adjusted to living on a budget. We then signed over the car titles (these were the older cars they’d driven in college-value maybe $5000) and they got their own insurance policies. I know they appreciate not having car payments. They also began to pay their share of the cell phone bill until the time when they wanted to be on their own plan (for both daughters it was after they got married). Youngest graduates this spring and the pattern will be pretty much the same.
We pay the phone plans, and security deposits on S1’s apartment. Also paid for tires when he needed new ones – imagine if you had to pay 25% of your takehome for something you can’t not have. At gifting occasions I often buy them household basics – laundry detergent, garbage bags, toiletries. But he covers insurance, rent, utilities, clothes, and his exhorbitant cable bill (when he is worried about not having money, I bite my tongue. Hard. )
I too thought I would be one of those “make it work, develop fiscal toughness” parents but gosh the economy is brutal. S1, after several years of working a job he loves in his field, is only now just above the poverty line. S2 is searching and applying and graduating but nothing, yet. We’ve told him he can live at home rent free for 3 months, then has to find a stopgap job and pay us 10% of his takehome, which we will hold for moving expenses when he finds a real job, no time limit there as long as he’s actively searching. We did this with S1 and it worked pretty well.
We also are accruing a healthcare fund for S2’s many medical expenses, in the event that his job doesn’t have adequate coverage.
D graduated in May. She has a job and can take care of all her expenses (no college loans/debt). But we gave her our used car and we still cover the insurance on the car. She’s also on our medical insurance (since we have to cover S anyway). We also pay for the cell phone bill (again since we have S also on the plan). She plans to go to med school in the fall - and we are thinking about what we would/could help her with then. I assume we would continue with all that we are doing right now - we might help her with rent too, depending on where she goes.
We paid for their first month’s rent and car insurance for the first 1ish or so post-job. Keep them on our phone plans and they pay their “portion” - cheaper for them that way instead of having their own plans. Other stuff here and there - a new reasonable tv when D’s tv died, a car repair when S’s had a rash of problems. Never expected, always appreciated!
Another thing we have a home - the kids call it “the grab it table” - H like to go to RiteAid etc. and do their rebates, etc. and often ends up with lots of near free shampoo, deodorant, cleaners, etc. I like to shop Costco but often don’t need all 60 bars in a box or cans of tomatoes. We put “extra” stuff on the “grab it table” and when the kids come to visit they will stop down in the basement and pick and choose stuff they need. Let me tell you, they COVET the grab it table! Makes me happy to know it helps them out a bit!
My DS is in a PhD program that gives a stipend. He is still on our cell phone plan. Up until last Dec we also gave him $500/ month for food [ he’s 6’4" and eats a lot] but now he manages all his food expenses.
2 years to go then hopefully he will be making a very nice salary.
“Let me tell you, they COVET the grab it table!”
Always helps to give our kids a little extra “incentive” to visit home often, too. 
My heart is warmed today by all the generous parents. I know that helping people financially isn’t always possible, but when it is, it’s a good thing to do, especially for one’s children.
When one came back after a grant year abroad, she lived at home but had a good job, so paid a very minimal rent, maybe $150 to cover her utilities and a bit toward food. She’s now got her own place, with her bf. She had started paying her part of our car insurance, driving the extra car, so when she got her own, I gave her the down payment, really just a return of what she had paid.
Both stayed on our cell plan but paid their part for about a year, then got their own. D2 stayed on our health plan until she got a job with that. And dental is still a family plan. Lucky I didn’t change that because, between jobs, D2 needed an emergency root canal.
There’s more, but random. Eg, for Xmas, i paid off one of D2’s small credit card bills. Sometimes, I pay for dinner out, sometimes one of them does.
Since our finance and DS’s finance have still not been totally separated (and he is very aware of it), we notice he is very careful (sometimes too careful in our standard) about using OUR money. We notice he may buy some items from Amazon which are of poor quality and we had to buy it again to replace what he had bought.
One reason why we may not want to buy him a graduation gift is that we can then tell him he could use some of the “gift money” for his other expenses.
Even though he does not have a job now, we do not want to see him living a life in a lower living standard than ours. After all, he has been working hard (likely working harder than us) for his future career and has been contributing his “share” by borrowing lots of student loans to fund his life and grad study in the past several years.
Our D is a PhD candidate with tuition remission and a stipend. We cover her cell phone and occasional “emergencies” such as car repair and unreimbursed medical expenses. But she is starting an emergency savings account (even on her small stipend, it is possible). We also buy her one plane ticket a year to come visit us in the UK. Otherwise, she covers all of her own expenses, incl. student loan, entertainment, health insurance, etc. We have taught our kids to budget and live frugally. Very good life lessons.
Both kids are on our cell plan but pay their share. Both have relatively low paying jobs, but support themselves entirely. We give them moderate cash presents at holidays/birthdays, but that’s it. But both know that in an emergency, we’d help out to the extent possible.
I was flat broke when I got out of college and my parents did not give me a dime. They’d paid for my education and I was on my own. I lived in a gross, roach infested apartment in Brighton, MA and lived on lentils and rice. We stored everything in the fridge, including our toothbrushes, because of the roaches. For a treat, I’d go to happy hour at Houlihan’s in Boston on Friday nights and buy the cheapest beer so that I could have a free dinner at their nasty bar food buffet. I had no health insurance and didn’t visit a dentist until I could afford to a few years later.
I don’t remember being miserable, just grossed out by the bugs (which were eventually taken care of because we complained repeatedly to the health department) and dirt poor. But all of my friends where in the same boat.
^Agreed! I did not graduate into that different, easy world, for whatever reason. I lived on a lot of ramen. Ditto on no dentist for years and years.
I have the impression that most of DS’s college friends are NOT in the same boat.
Not long ago, when their graduating class had their first reunion. DS decided he could not afford such an event because the dinner would cost too much. I heard it would cost much more than eat out at a typical restaurant in town and he thought it’s not worth it in his current financial situation.
I agree with Massmomm. I think a little struggle is a good thing. Sounds like she was worse off than I was, but I definitely relate to roaches in the first post-grad apt. I don’t expect my kids to live like we do now; we worked a lot of years to have a home and paid-off cars, etc. They will, too, and it’ll be fine and good for them to struggle a little.
We still have ds1 on our insurance because it doesn’t cost us anything to keep him on it. He actually has an option for free health insurance, but it isn’t as good as ours so we’ve kept him on. He pays his copays. We’ve also kept him on our cell phone, but he pays us back his monthly charge. His company gives him a phone allowance so he comes out ahead on the deal. And we’ve kept him on our car insurance, but, again, he pays us for his share. He is one of the cheapest people I know, so even on his meh salary he’s opened a Roth IRA, etc. The one big “break” he’s gotten is that he drives his brother’s car while the brother is in college. They did the reverse when ds1 was in college. He knows he’s going to have to buy his own car in the next year or so. His apt is really close to work so he saves a lot on gas. He is close enough that he comes home almost every weekend, where he does laundry (his and ours!) and I’ll usually send him home with some food. I love that I get to see him so often.
They can’t expect to come out of college or grad programs with debt and the lifestyle their parents achieved after some decades of work and managing. Living lean doesn’t mean sub-standard. It means learning to make choices.
(Tho D1 has a college friend whose parents fund grad school, a sleek apt in a doorman building with a gym, a nifty car, and an allowance. No loans for that kid. But D1 is not impressed by some of her friend’s behavior and choices. It’s actually a very nice family, tho, and uber wealthy.)
One kid is still in school…so she doesn’t count. Still on our cell plan, me we pay health insurance too.
The other kid…we kept on our car and health insurance while we could. Not any more. Our gift was repayment of the Direct Loan…as that happens every month. Never was on our cell plan…but we wish he was!
We also give generously at holiday times, birthdays, and when we see these kiddos.
I think a little struggle can be a good thing. Going without dental care for many years, though, is not a good thing. I made the choice a few years ago to have a tooth pulled instead of having a root canal done, purely for the dollar savings. I know people younger than me whose teeth are in bad shape and who can’t afford to get them fixed.