Financially supporting a young adult/college graduate child?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I feel like such a hard-a**, but I really agree with IB about how people complain about this generation but still enable the kind of entitled behavior they exhibit. And no, I’m not calling anyone on here an enabler or saying their kid is rotten, just that a little struggle is good for the soul.</p>

<p>My first post-grad apartment was a one-bedroom shared with my cousin. In fact, it was one BED shared with my cousin. Our childless uncle found the place (long story). OMG, it was a DUMP in retrospect. But it was a great time and enabled me to save money to go back to school and eventually move to a great place for a great job in a town I love. Good grief, I still don’t have cable. People can survive such austere conditions. ;)</p>

<p>As I said in my first post, there are all kinds of wonderful, appropriate ways to help a kid starting out – buy them a new wardrobe, get them a used car, take them out to eat once a month so you know they get one great meal, go visit and bring lots of “leftovers” for them. I’m not saying throw them out on the street and never look back, but I wouldn’t want to be in the habit of paying a major expense on a regular basis.</p>

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<p>Much depends on the salary & options available. Our S got a well-paying job in VA/DC and is able to comfortably afford a VERY nice one bedroom in a quiet suburb which is less than 22% of his gross pay. He has not asked nor have we offered to help support him. If he were earning substantially less, would have to think about the issue.</p>

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<p>I would not. I’m from DC & live in NYC area now and am amazed at what people pay for rent to live in hip areas. When you’re a recent (i.e. poor) college grad, you should live in a safe, but cheap, boring area, not Georgetown, Dupont Circle, Brooklyn Heights or UWS. DC has a reasonable transportation system, so you can find a decent place outside the city and still not need a car. (Arlington comes to mind). </p>

<p>When H & I were just out of school we chose a nice, spacious apartment in the suburbs that was easy on the wallet, but far away from night life. </p>

<p>One thing kids may not realize, grocery stores are much cheaper in the suburbs.</p>

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<p>Sadly, S is thinking of moving from his very quiet suburb to somewhere more lively. There is no good public transit to his workplace and if he moved, he would likely have a much worse commute. Oh well, he’s still thinking about it and we’ll see what evolves.</p>

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<p>Several of my DDs HS friends live in apartments or condo’s owned by their families. DD took pride in paying her own way, so I have seen it go both ways.</p>

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<p>It’s easy to say that it is wrong to help, if your kid isn’t in the situation of needing that help. My oldest has been working every day she can as a substitute teacher for two years, and supplementing with evening hours in retail. She grossed less than $11K last year. Very much in debt with student loans and has many medical problems. Let her make it on her own? She’ll never get a teaching position if she doesn’t do sub work, and that’s not a reliable income. She couldn’t get on sub lists around here, so she lives out of state in the cheapest apartment she can find.</p>

<p>We help with the student loans and pay her medical expenses. We also keep her on our auto insurance and cell phone plans. It’s well and good to say that she needs to learn to be indedpendent, but she has to be alive to learn… And she is responsible. She got a considerable tax refund due to interest on student loans and put the entire amount against her loans.</p>

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<p>I think it is a very personal choice. I personally see nothing wrong with inherited wealth. Better to give it sooner than later, as the early years are the struggling years. Why not make it easy on the kid if you can afford to do so. Some of my colleagues drive around in bran new luxury vehicles while their kids get second hand broken down 1990s cars. I don’t get it. You can’t take your money with you when you die.</p>

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<p>We are very willing to help our kids (see my post above). BUT if <em>I</em> am going to pay for a new car, it’s going to be for ME. My kids have been given our “hand me downs” and OUR kids are very grateful to have them. They know that getting a new car is a milestone they will have to reach when THEY earn enough money to do so…that is a luxury…an older car that has been well maintained and works is fine. </p>

<p>Of course this is a personal family decision. I know families where the kids drive cars that are as nice…or nicer than their parents’ cars. Different strokes for different folks.</p>

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<p>@KKmama - I agree with your situation. What I think is not right is when DD or DS is living well above their means (read luxury apartment in hip area, regularly going out to dinner, Starbucks every morning, etc) and expect mom & dad to help them out. I would expect my kids to live frugally, but safely, and if even then they are pressed, we might consider helping out.</p>

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<p>I’m going to be brave and take the firm position of…it depends. </p>

<p>Depends on the kid in question, depends on what the parents can really afford, depends on the situation. </p>

<p>I will add that there is a time-limit involved. The vast majority of us must learn to live on what we earn, so if my son were settled in his career then I would not be interested in paying monthly bills. Make a wedding? We’re looking forward to it. Help with a down payment? I hope we can do that if it’s needed. But I see that as different than supplementing monthly bills.</p>

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<p>I plan to do what my parents did for me and my siblings. Every year we got one or two very large cash gifts and it was up to us to manage the money wisely. I have no doubt that the “grants” would have stopped if we squandered the money or purchased luxuries. I attribute my current secure lifestyle, with adequate retirement savings and the house paid off, to the early support I received from my parents.</p>

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<p>Luxury vehicles (new or old) can cost a fortune in maintenance and repair bills – not something that a fresh out of school new graduate in an entry level job with entry level pay really needs to have to deal with. New or old, a Ford, Toyota, or Hyundai is unlikely to cost anywhere near as much to own as a Mercedes or BMW (so don’t think you are doing your kid a favor by giving him/her a hand-me-down BMW 7-series just out of warranty).</p>

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<p>It was an analogy, UCB. I just don’t understand how parents can live comfortably without a pang of guilt conscience while their children struggle early in their career.</p>

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<p>Yes, regarding maintaining imported cars. We’ve been pretty discouraged by some of the high bills we’ve been getting for servicing our aging Volvos. At least partly as a result of that, we have vowed that our next vehicle(s) will be American or Japanese, as these seem to be easier to get most mechanics to maintain. We have only found ONE mechanic on our island who can properly maintain the Volvos.</p>

<p>We did hand down a 1992 imported vehicle to S that we had inherited from my brother years prior. Maintenance will be a factor & cost, but at least he has no car loan and before we shipped it we had it serviced & was reassured by the mechanic that it was very sound and worth sending to S. So far, it is holding up pretty well. One of the attractions is that is is VERY solid and pretty safe without having the “BLING” factor of a new car (but classic enough that S is not ashamed to drive it, even across country with D).</p>

<p>I don’t think parents should feel guilty that their kids are learning to live on a budget & within their means. If the parents have the ability & interest in sharing some of their extra resources/assets with their kids without eating into their retirement or other important needs, that’s one thing. **My goal is that neither we nor our kids will have to worry that we will run out of money & ask THEM for help as we age. ** I think that’s more important than worrying about whether the kids need to tighten their belts a little or refrain from trying to keep up with the Joneses when first starting out.</p>

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<p>When I was a young mom with kids applying to this and that, and worrying if they made the traveling teams, honors courses, state orchestra, etc, etc, my neighbor who had older ones told me that I was “sweating the small stuff”. Her kids were out of college at that time and she and her husband were supporting each of them, all three of them in various ways. She told me that the biggest hurdle, the biggest test, was to get them self sufficient. I didn’t really get it then, but I do now.</p>

<p>There are no hard and fast rules about supporting/helping your child after college. Clearly, most kids are going to be broke when the finish school. It’s not going to be an easy step from dorm to an a apartment, from school rags to a suit. If your child gets a great job offer in a city elsewhere, that is truly a great opportunity, something with a reasonable chance of getting him/her on his own in a year or so, and IF YOU can afford it, I think it’s the right thing to do. I would do it. Sometimes the job is such that it is not initially going to support the kid, but well worth taking.</p>

<p>So the amount of help you give your kid is dependent on your ability to do so and whether you think the opportunity is worth it. If your kid is getting a store clerk time job that s/he can get anywhere and needs your subsidy to continue living away from home…well, i don’t think that is worth investing in. It’s really a judgment call. Our kids are welcome here at home and we can provide them the proverbial 3 squares and a cot, but that is about all that we can guarantee. The rest is “as you go along”. </p>

<p>My oldest two have been living hand to mouth for a while now. It’s been mainly by choice because they could have lived at home and saved some money, but wanted their own place while working jobs that were low paying. I saw no reason to subsidize them, though as they are our kids, we do end up contributing to them on an ad hoc basis. Yes, they take things from the house (they had better ask first) and we take them out to lunch/dinner at times when we meet up with them, and we have bought them things. But not on a sustained basis. I stay out of their personal business in terms of finances and they have been pretty good about being self sufficient on the big things. I would not be happy and we’d have to have a discussion about things if they were asking us to pay their bills regularly, or at all. They don’t ask for money, it’s more that we offer it and it’s for things that are not regular occurring expenses. For example, we have not given them checks or cash for shortfalls, or paid the rent, utiilities, car repairs, insurance, etc. But we have bought them clothes, let them take that extra box of cereal or the bag of apples home. </p>

<p>My friend is subsidizing her DD’s rent because she and her DH do not want her living in what she can afford on her own. It’s a new locale and she doesn’t know her way around yet. So they got her a rental that was over her budget. Hopefully, she’ll find something cheaper and acceptable as she gets to know the area. I’ve known a number of parents who have done this. </p>

<p>So, really, it’s on a case by case basis. It’s really up to the parents. I can tell you that my sons see a lot of kids who have well to do parents who are still totally subsidizing them. I wish I could. I can’t.</p>

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<p>KK- best wishes to your DD for striving so hard to get a job in her field.</p>

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<p>I haven’t been here for awhile, and I am genuinely surprised that I actually recognize so many of the posters here. But then I recognize that this is a thread that actually appeals to me and other parents with kids who graduated recently.</p>

<p>My daughter graduated this year from a liberal arts college, majoring in English and Math. To my surprise, she landed herself a job that will start in three weeks. It comes with a sign on bonus that takes care of her moving and expenses for setting up her new living quarter. I will be going with her to settle her in her new place, and perhaps it will be awhile before I could spend some money on her again. I am still amazed that she will be on her own. I raised her as a single parent for most of the past 14 years. Although she has been away for college but she has always come home at breaks. Now she will be 1500 miles away. I can’t adequately describe how I feel.</p>

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<p>Cpt–It’s one thing to help a child who wants to make it in entertainment field, but I’ve seen too many wealthy parents set their kids up in very nice apts., with unlimied use of AMEX card. One gal went thru chef school, but quit first 5 jobs as she didn’t like the hours or the work. By the time she turns 27, there will be little chance that she will try to support herself. If a child has been indulged their whole life, hard to imagine them on a budget.</p>

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<p>It’s just money - and as they say in India, “it all belongs to Hanuman” (and jumps from place to place). If the parents have it, and want to spend it that way, and it doesn’t break their piggybank or retirement, what’s the big deal? They could have bought her a Beemer.</p>

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<p>We do help both our daughter’s out. Older d one year out of grad school works for an Ivy League institution, 25 hours a week job in her field-no benefits. Last year she was an adjunct in the program she attended for grad school so she now has 2 years teaching experience on the college level. We were able to pick up her health insurance at least till she turns 26 later this year. She lives inexpensively and can pay rent and groceries for her apartment but just barely and only because she lives in a city (not NYC or DC where cost of living is very cheap).She also has rent for her art studio. Gave up cable TV this year, drives our oldest car which is needed to go grocery shopping, art materials shopping and coming home from late night events at work-she works one night late every week. Not much in the way of spending money. I do help her out with clothes shopping, haircuts, on our cell phone plan,takes items home from our house that we buy in bulk-paper goods etc. She is making her way and gaining recognition in her field-her field is very difficult and she works very hard at it, every day so I do feel that I can indulge her. She is not happy having to ask us for money but we don’t want her to ever leave herself in a situation where she has zero money. Younger d is an aspiring actress and singer here in NYC, lives in a renovated tenement in a neighborhood for those who have been priced out of the hipper, more gentrified neighborhoods. I help her out as I do with older d… but she primarily supports herself by working as a nanny, ushering,etc. We can cover her on our health insurance till she turns 26, of course. She could have lived at home a bit longer… but I was paying her commuting costs and dealing with non-rush hour commuting-late nights made it more cost-effective for her to live in the city.
There is really no right answer. Ideally we would like our daughters to be more self-supporting but that is not 100% the case right now.</p>