<p>I have been reading this blog for a while… long before I actually got an account (my ex showed me this website). </p>
<p>I have a dilemma and I wanted to see if anyone here with far more life experiences could shed light on my issue. </p>
<p>I recently was dumped by my ex of almost four years. We were serious to the point that a wedding ring was being saved for and we had signed a lease to move in. She ended the relationship for a multitude of reasons but all culminating in that she found someone else. We ended up being in the same residence for almost two weeks after the break-up. It was pretty civil except for the occasional argument. </p>
<p>When I moved out there civility stopped on both parts, majorly due to me. It got to the point where there was a total dissolution of the relationship and egregious and hurtful things were said on both sides. </p>
<p>My friends and family have all told me to just move on to forget about her. This person was a major part of my life for four years, to cease a relationship is one thing to cease all communication and know the person hates you is another. Is it just a matter of time? It is probably so screwed up and irreversible that, that is all she wrote? I have always had a problem with people not liking me, and to know that someone who once told me they loved me with all their heart and i was their everything hates me is really hard. </p>
<p>What I said was 110% in the wrong, but is there anyway to change what happened?</p>
<p>It is natural to go through a greiving process that includes, among other things, anger. You weren’t clear about what you said, but it is common for breakups…especially if they are a surprise…to cause exterme emotions. If you hadn’t loved her, if you hadn’t been “in” the relationship, you wouldn’t care. </p>
<p>I had one that had me crying daily for literally four months. </p>
<p>But…that said. It appears to be over. </p>
<p>I don’t know, of couse, but suspect if she had been true to you and the relationship for four years, then she wouldn’t have left if she were otherwise happy. Sometimes people even USE finding someone else as the lever to end a relationship they want out of. </p>
<p>Take the time to mourn. To regroup. To discover YOUR own part in the break-up. Very rarely is it truly one sided and out of the blue. Use this to find a partner better suited to you AND to make yourself into a better partner. </p>
<p>Best.</p>
<p>EDITED to add: better to just not communicate for now…and maybe for a long while…otherwise it is too painful and too easy to get sucked into more drama. YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS YET. Try in another year or two.</p>
<p>I know it’s really, really hard, and I completely understand why you want to at least keep in touch. Normally, I wouldn’t have a clear cut answer for you. I think it’s healthier to just move on, but realistically I know it can be hard to impossible to just stop talking to someone who is a major part of your life, whether or not your mind know it’s healthier.</p>
<p>HOWEVER, since you say that she found someone else while she was still with you, I think it’s a lot more clear cut. A person that finds someone else while in a committed, monogamous relationship is a cheater, plain and simple. She may not have physically cheated (or she may have, who knows), but emotional infidelity is a very real thing. She does not sound like a good person, and I wouldn’t associate with her. You deserve so much better!</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your pain.</p>
<p>P.S. Yes, there are two sides to every break-up usually, but there is never, ever an excuse to cheat or find someone else as an exit strategy. It’s low, cowardly, and disgusting.</p>
<p>Of course, her cheating is wrong for whatever reason she did it. Of course, it isn’t OP’s fault either. To the extent it sounded like that was what I implied, it wasn’t. </p>
<p>/But this is the parent’s forum and many (like myself) have been divorced. Whether you are the leaver or the leavee in a divorce, at some point…often after two or three years or when in a new relationship…you gain a self awareness of how things could have been different. Of how you contriubted. Sometimes it is at the beginning…by picking better dates, sometimes in the middle by not getting married if your heart isn’t really in it, sometimes it’s by giving up too easy or not speaking your own mind…or by not cutting bait when it was truly dead and not hanging on because the of the kids or whatever. There is lots of soul searching to be done…all of which can lead to improved future relationships. There is an interesting article floating about from a divorced man after his 16 year marriage ended that has some good stuff in it…</p>
<p>^^^ I completely agree with the soul searching part.</p>
<p>I am not in college any more (old name), and even though I am not a parent, I am in my late-20’s. Having had some people close to me (that are probably about your age, TempeMom) go through infidelities though, I find that too many people blame themselves and don’t recognize that the cheater is the one that’s broken, and there are no excuses. Again, I agree with you about re-examining yourself, but I think cheaters are toxic, and he should stay away from her, if he ca, even as just friends.</p>
<p>You should apologize for any unkind words you said, and let her go, and mean it. If it is ever meant to be, it will happen. Otherwise, you will be a gracious person.</p>
<p>It’s hard but you will go on, and be stronger for it.</p>
<p>@Tempemom, I read that article and really loved it. The relationship after four years did dissolve and it was my fault as much as it was hers. I have already learned os much about how to move forward in a relationship and about how communication is key. That was the main take away, she didnt communicate her feelings and they festered until it was too late. </p>
<p>We both stated so many times how we wanted to stay friends, how after so long and being best friends for so long we wanted to stay friends. What was said was horrible and I have apologized but maybe because of the recency it wont sink in that I do actually mean it. I felt absolutely horrible about what I said and actually wrote it on accident. </p>
<p>it seems like the consensus so far is that after you say you are sorry there is nothing else to do. That part is a little bit hard for someone who has always been in control of everything. Something to learn while you grow as an adult I suppose.</p>
<p>I’m not going to go into detail, but depending on the people involved and what their traditions are, it might be three tries when it comes to an apology; however, from what’s been described, in this situation, right now what’s probably most in order is giving space and letting things cool off. Time. Sometimes that’s what’s needed most.</p>
<p>@DeborahT, thanks for the advice, I am almost positive that is not the case here, I would of heard of such a quirk before, ha. I am really trying to give space but it is certainly hard when all you are not doing something your brain goes straight to going over what happened. It is especially hard in that I am now starting graduate school and this has been such a distraction from my studies. Everyone keeps telling me it could of been worse and been right before exams, I suppose that is true, right before it started certainly wasnt ideal either.</p>
<p>Time will fix this. You’ll see, but you must be patient and trust that she will one day remember the good in the relationship and understand that the things that were said were part of the breaking up process.
Try to redirect your energy now toward the future. You both will see things a lot differently as months, and years, pass.</p>
<p>You can eventually forgive each other, but do prepared for the possibility that you will never be friends. Sometimes people do move on permanently.</p>
<p>Also, consider the fact that while you apparently said horrible things, she may deservedly feel somewhat deserving/guilty about her actions/infidelity. </p>
<p>Time is needed on this one before jumping into a friendship. Let things cool off. Pushing to get past it won’t work. Best to you.</p>
<p>I agree with your friends and family. Just move on. When a love affair/relationship is over, let it be over. Don’t keep trying to resuscitate it or transform it into an awkward “friendship.” You don’t have child custody issues that force you to be a part of each others’ lives - which is a good thing. Just move on.</p>