<p>It’s up to your son. If he doesn’t want them there - story over. He shouldn’t have to worry about relatives embarrassing him at this particular party.</p>
<p>Allow me to go out on a limb here: Why are you worrying NOW about the guest list for an event that will not occur for at least a couple of years?? As you said your ‘mil’ might not be even around then. How about"will cross that bridge when we get there".
btw…if the wedding would take place soon, I would definitely leave it up to son to include/exclude the undesirable relatives…</p>
<p>So much could happen from week to the next with elderly parents…cross the bridge when you get to it. If this is a party to introduce the families just don’t invite that side of the family. If your husband is upset that his family will not be there, than invite them, and make nice for your loving husband. If they as much as make one comment escort them out the door in a quiet and peaceful manner.</p>
<p>Clarification: The kids are not (yet) engaged. Her parents are having a “family” party (with the kids ok) in three months to “introduce” the families. This is a tradition in their family. (I suppose, in a sense that this is their way of giving their approval to the relationship.) Siblings with spouses are coming in from around the country. I guess this will coincide with the High Holidays. I have been told that there will be aunts/uncles/cousins invited and we are invited to do the same.</p>
<p>We can wiggle out of this one. But the wedding…not so much.</p>
<p>(I think the desire to dance at the wedding is purely the MIL…perhaps the bil. SIL, absolutely not…never…not happening. I think that the only thing that would infuriate her about not being invited to a wedding (to people whom she considers inferior) is that she doesn’t have the control to say, “Of course I’m not coming…sc you.”</p>
<p>Ok…I got it. The control (positive and negative( issue. My son and s.o. have every right to control who comes to their wedding. This should be a loving and happy event. That is positive. The other side has no right to dictate that they should be invited or not despite prior behavior that was never addressed and only denied.</p>
<p>Got it…done.</p>
<p>How does your husband feel about potentially that his (mother) family will be left out in a future wedding? I know for me, even though my parents might have wronged or hurt me terribly, I could never ignore them, especially at big family events.</p>
<p>*My mil doesn’t like (in no particular order) Jews, Catholics, Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, poor and middle class people…and us. (We’re the Jewish part.) *</p>
<p>Good heavens, who’s left but rich WASPs? </p>
<p>Do these people all live and function in some kind of secluded gated world?</p>
<p>Is it possible that your husband is being too passive about the situation? Has he talked to his mother about the hurt she has caused and how it has damaged her relationship with her grandson?</p>
<p>I can’t countenance her prejudices (like many here, I am a member of one of the groups she dislikes), but I can sympathize with her desire to attend the wedding of her grandson. However, if she can’t behave herself and show ordinary, decent respect for the occasion and the religious traditions of members of her family, then she should not attend. And I think it is her son’s responsibility to explain that to her.</p>
<p>The only people who need to show up at the “meet the in-laws” party are the members of your immediate family. If you feel like dragging along some representatives of your son’s extended family well the people who get to be on that list should be up to your son. Part of the deal here is creating a positive impression for your son’s future in-laws. Your son’s fiancee can meet the less presentable members of your and your husband’s extended families at a future date. </p>
<p>As for MIL’s desire to attend a future wedding, is there any chance that she is mellowing in her old age, or wants to be part of her grandchild’s celebration, or is just plain dying to have the experience of attending a big Jewish wedding? Inviting her and BIL to the wedding may not be so bad after all.</p>
<p>"My mil doesn’t like (in no particular order) Jews, Catholics, Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, poor and middle class people…and us. (We’re the Jewish part.) My sil and bil (he, at least pretends to be civil) hate the same groups…but sil refused to eat at the same table as Jews (happened 28 years ago), uses the “k” word…Well, they aren’t nice people.</p>
<p>My mil is over the moon about the possibility of a wedding in the next year or two. She keeps saying how “they” will all come and dance the night away…at a Jewish wedding. And they hate Jews. And this will be a religious wedding."</p>
<p>Perhaps I didn’t read closely enough, but some of this doesn’t make sense to me. Are these actions current and dominate the conversation? Is it just a senseless remark every now and then, said by an elderly person who is still stuck in that time warp, or a determined constant effort to be offensive? Why are you mentioning actions from 28 years ago? Are they still doing this, or have they mellowed and become more considerate…with a thoughtless remark here and there?</p>
<p>Another question, if they are really that hateful and biased, why would they even consider (much less be excited about) coming to such a wedding? If they truly hated Jewish people, they wouldn’t want to go. I’m wondering if you are harboring a grudge over past offenses, that perhaps they don’t even remember.</p>
<p>I have some relatives that come from a generation and an area of the country where that was prevalent, but they are always polite to people in person, but just can’t seem to help a judgemental, biased attitude. I wouldn’t shun them for it, I still love them. But if they have and still treat you terribly, that’s an entirely different issue.</p>
<p>I would love to say that they have grown as people over the years. They haven’t. I think that my mil wants to insure her immortality, as do we all. She wants to see the future. And to go to a wedding where she can possibly see into the future is important to her. My bil and sil have had the fates turn to them: their son (who I have met twice) is dating a Korean (always said with a sneer) girl who’s family won’t accept him, because he’s not Asian. </p>
<p>I don’t think people change. It was very hard for my husband to understand that his family was so bigoted. Things that were everyday in his life, and not examined, were things like, “my Mexican”…the gardner. He never paid attention, nor did he absorb the hatred. But it is very difficult for anyone to fully face who their family is: witness Zooser. Things are what they are.</p>
<p>I know that my mil would love to go anywhere. As I said my sil won’t be in the house when I’m there. This is an improvement since I wasn’t permitted to go into their home. (We didn’t communicate for 28 years.) She probably wouldn’t come unless forced to come. My bil might come to please his mother. But the wedding is in the future, the party is soon(er). I think that it will be just us, and a lot of the other side. It will be stress free.</p>
<p>It sounds pathetic but I know what you mean about people never letting go. My Jewish in laws were that way regarding me, and my children. When my FIL was sick and dying it was us who took him in, and cared for him. I think he had to regret those years of silly comments but just didn’t know how to say it without some of those old words coming into the picture. It took a while, but now I think back with fond memories of some of the funny things, and I am grateful that they managed to raise a good son. It really doesn’t pay to hold on to stuff from people who are your family through marraige. I am sure they would all love to celebrate if there is a celebratory atmosphere. If people are sensing anger and dislike they will come with that attitude. As far as gradma goes…she is so old so what harm could she do that you just can’t excuse.</p>
<p>I would not invite extended family members (including mil) to the party being thrown in three months by son’s GF’s family, and I wouldn’t worry about whether to invite husband’s side of the family to the wedding until the couple is engaged, wedding is within four months, and you have to finalize guest list.</p>
<p>If there was no communication with that side of the family for 28 years, I don’t blame son for not wanting to invite these people to anything; he obviously does not and has not had any kind of relationship with these people.</p>
<p>Based on your past posts re: the-horrible-inlaws (alloneword in your case), I would just let your son decide who he wants his girlfriend’s family to meet and go with that.</p>
<p>The wedding, when/if it happens, I would do the same.</p>
<p>If your H wants to have a conversation about it, I would refer him to your son. A man who is old enough to marry is old enough to explain to his father why he doesn’t want the nazi’s at his wedding.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Just tossing this out there–
If I were the bride’s family, with a tradition of hosting a party for all the machatunim to meet, I would be envisioning a meeting of two families much like my own: aunts, uncles, and cousins who feel a kinship and connection to one another, embarking on a journey that would bring them together on several future occasions–the wedding, the baby-namings, the b’nai mitzvah, etc.</p>
<p>I would be inviting the aunts and uncles and cousins to meet the new members of my family: my child’s intended and his closest relatives we’d be seeing again.</p>
<p>If it should turn out that the intended didn’t HAVE close relatives, that’s fine.</p>
<p>I would be a little surprised if the machatunim felt compelled to invite people that even they, themselves, didn’t like and feel close to. What would be the point of that?</p>
<p>I agree, DeskPotato. I say it’s to share it with those relatives who have a kinship and connection to one another - not just relatives-for-the-sake-of-relatives. Ellebud’s ILs have sounded well beyond dreadful for years – I don’t think they need to be invited. Deal with the wedding at that time – but you don’t need loose cannons around at this stage.</p>
<p>So, yesterday we had a “family” day…all of us went out for a day of fun. At my suggestion (and in agreement to what said above, some of which I didn’t read until today) my son approached my husband for a talk. </p>
<p>It went well, better than could normally be expected. My son expressed his opinion on the family and the possible invitation to the upcoming event. My husband listened. My husband knows and hates his family’s bigotry, but they are his family. He always hoped for a change in attitude.</p>
<p>Finally he said while he would LIKE his family to be included he understood why at the upcoming event it would be very awkward and difficult. He asked that the party not be discussed (no problem) with his mother. As for the anything in the future (including a forced Thanksgiving with the other side and girlfriend’s family) we will cross that bridge…but my husband understands choices. And these were choices that were made years ago.</p>
<p>But for now, my husband has understands my son’s wishes (girlfriend knows all, and she, so wisely is staying out of it saying nothing) and is honoring them.</p>
<p>Yeah!</p>
<p>
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<p>If her parents are having the party, isn’t it up to them, the hosts, to decide who to invite? I don’t know why they’d want to invite these hateful bigots, but it’s their decision.</p>
<p>Ellebud – you don’t spend your holidays with these people, so why would the new in-laws to be?</p>
<p>Pizzagirl: You’re right of course. We didn’t spend any holiday with them for years. When my fil died (quite recently) my mil suddenly wanted to enforce family together"ness". For the optimists out there, no, it wasn’t because she had suddenly had an epiphany. She wanted control. Before, she wanted the control to drive us out, now she wanted us (in her declining years) together. We had four very strained events (including the flying creamed onions) and, when we were asked about another dinner we declined.</p>
<p>But hope springs eternal, for lack of a better cliche. And she wants to go to her grave, at least superficially, pretending that there isn’t a schism. It is sad, because our nuclear family is very close. All my kids’ significant others, are close to their families and our family. And they are alone. </p>
<p>…please note: SIL leaves the house whenever she knows that I am coming over. Or she hides out in the wine room or a bedroom, refusing to come out. She really wants no contact.</p>