Flip Side: My son doesn't want the "other" side.....

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My son is involved with a wonderful young woman. It is, as they used to say, “serious”. And, as Zoosermom knows, with serious comes problems.</p>

<p>My mil doesn’t like (in no particular order) Jews, Catholics, Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, poor and middle class people…and us. (We’re the Jewish part.) My sil and bil (he, at least pretends to be civil) hate the same groups…but sil refused to eat at the same table as Jews (happened 28 years ago), uses the “k” word…Well, they aren’t nice people.</p>

<p>My mil is over the moon about the possibility of a wedding in the next year or two. She keeps saying how “they” will all come and dance the night away…at a Jewish wedding. And they hate Jews. And this will be a religious wedding.</p>

<p>My son, (and I admit the rest of us, save for my husband who is neutral) doesn’t want them at the wedding or other social gatherings because of a lifetime of abuse and bigotry (in absentia in the case of bil and sil, but we were sent messages loud and clear.) My “position”, articulated to son is that grandma is old, in her nineties. She may not make it. Uncle should escort Grandma…Aunt can be left off wedding invitation.party invitations. (Trust me, she’ll be happy. She won’t be in the same house as us when we come to pick up Grandma.) And, if grandma isn’t alive, he doesn’t have to include them.</p>

<p>Please note: In certain circles, which sil was a part of, you CAN invite a husband sans wife. Yes, it does send a message. But my son says that his message is the same as hers, we don’t want you in our lives.</p>

<p>(and except for business and social contacts she wouldn’t want to come anyway.) So, should we be the peace makers or leave her (and not tell Grandma and Uncle exclude them) off the invitation? (not for the wedding…that should be in a few years…for a party introducing the families?)</p>

2

<p>What a mess.</p>

<p>This isn’t the 1900s. You have a lot of relatives stuck in a time warp? I would think that older people that know that they are living out their remaining years would want to make peace with their kids, grand-kids and in-laws.</p>

<p>Could you hold the wedding in Jerusalem and invite everyone? That would send an interesting message.</p>

3

<p>Read zoos’s thread about whether or not to attend her niece’s wedding and compare notes. You guys might have the same relatives :)</p>

4

<p>I’m sorry…but this should be the wedding couple’s happy day. Even causing some family angst (you have it already…how much worse can it get?), I would invite only those who want to share the joy…and can be counted on not to spoil the special day. Leave them off the list.</p>

5

<p>^^^Love that idea! Or tell them the fianc</p>

6

<p>I would not invite them. The party is not about them and their bigoted attitudes, it’s about the couple. If you want the day to be happy, don’t invite people who are willing to spoil it over their disgustingly backward attitudes. I hope everything goes great!</p>

7

<p>Trust me, it did cross my mind when I read Zoosermom’s thread. I think that they are from the east coast and we are not.</p>

8

<p>Note: I always vowed that no matter what I felt about the people my kids brought home that I would be supportive. Whatever my in laws did, we would do the opposite.</p>

<p>BUT, I am thrilled to report that all of our kids are involved with wonderful people. (And, if they weren’t I would find a reason to like the significant other.)</p>

9

<p>This is why so many couples elope to Vegas. Problems solved.</p>

10

<p>Sounds like you’ve got a bit of time so dont need to worry about this just yet. If these are your H’s family,what are his thoughts about inviting the bigots? If you did invite them would they actually show up? We had a reverse issue with some very very devout jewish relatives of my DH’s who we invited to our s’s bar mitzvah. They claimed they’d come, and from thier history we anticipated that if they did show up at the party (no way would they set foot in a reform shul) they would be hitting everyone in attendance up for donations to their yeshiva, as is it is a mitzvah to donate so they can study, according to them. We were also warned, per what some of their siblings told us, that they would ask our s to donate 10% of his bar mitzvah gift money to their yeshiva. They RSVP’d yes, and we were looking into getting special food for them at the event, but they never followed up and never showed up.</p>

11

<p>I would not invite them for many reasons but one reason i have not seen mentioned yet is what they might say to other guests. Can you imagine? I would die if some hateful relative of mine insulted people who have been supportive and loving towards our family. I just could not risk that.</p>

12

<p>The key here is that your son doesn’t want these relatives at the wedding. (Can’t blame him.) Could you simply send a wedding announcement - but not invitation - with a personal note saying the wedding will be a small, very private religious ceremony? If they grouse, you could be honest: this will be/was a religious Jewish wedding, and I didn’t want you, or the bride and groom, to be uncomfortable. End of story.</p>

13

<p>Leave grandma alone, don’t give her a heart attack, so she can live pass 100 (she probably will). You have a group of interesting relatives.</p>

14

<p>I’ve got an idea. Get a gift card to a restaurant to be used on the day of the wedding-- for BIL and SIL to take grandma to INSTEAD of attending the wedding. So all the bigots can go eat/dance somewhere ELSE.</p>

15

<p>Oooh, great idea! Send them of to a resort for a spa and dinner appointment… But do they deserve it?</p>

<p>Hugs, ellebud.</p>

16

<p>I had a friend that decided to get married at a very small ceremony in Italy. Gutsy move, since future MIL is a “will not fly…ever” person. So it was just her family.</p>

17

<p>My husband “wishes” that things were different. He “wants” his family at the party (which will be in three months). But, at some level he knows that this isn’t a good thing. Will he respect our son’s wishes? Ultimately. But he doesn’t understand how they could make problems for our son. Husband thinks that they will only embarrass themselves.</p>

<p>Although born wealthy (seriously so) they aren’t wealthy now. I know that they have gone to my husband on at least three occasions for free advice. I wouldn’t give them anything spa, dinner or anything. (We paid for mil’s birthday party, fil memorial service) </p>

<p>I guess, like so many others, my husband wishes for the family that he doesn’t have. he thinks that they will fly under the radar. And my son (who is one of the two important people here) doesn’t like/nor trust them. For me, that is enough.</p>

<p>As for mil threatening the heart attack…remember the Red Foxx routine, “I’m acoming Lord? Here comes the big one!!!” Swear to G-d, she’s done that…several times.</p>

18

<p>Wait- what party is on 3 mos? I thought you said they were just “serious”</p>

19

<p>I’m missing something. I think the invitation is for a party to introduce the relatives. I would not invite such bigoted relatives, as you can trust that they will say something offensive. At another time, you and spouse, son and g/f, can have a small party JUST to meet her. She will be prepared for the rude remarks, and will gain an understanding of the family history. (Perhaps visit GM at her home, bringing a coffee cake? This could be done before sending invitations to the big party.)</p>

<p>In terms of wedding, which is a few years in future, is it to be held in nearby area? Most of the young people I know are involved with people across country, so only those closest from groom’s family attend.</p>

<p>Jym, my religious friends and relatives either didn’t show or created problems. My former Rabbi got so annoyed he spoke for over an hour, didn’t let me have my little speech, insulted son’s guests, took away 3 of my Aliyahs, etc. such pettiness, all started by who could or couldn’t wear a Tallis.</p>

20

<p>I think this is your son’s relationship and his occasion. It’s his decision. I think it’s fine to present some scenarios, but it really should be up to him to decide. I’m sure you’ve raised your kids in such a way that they can make these kinds of decisions and figure out what they can and can’t live with. It’s up to him and his girlfriend. If he’s adamant about them not coming, then it seems that you will have to accept that. I do wonder, however, if her desire to dance at a Jewish wedding is a sign of acceptance on her part.</p>