<p>… how is your other parent doing?</p>
<p>My mom died a year ago now and my dad is just sooooo lonely. He lost the love of his life - they had been married for 55 years and together since they were 14 & 15. He had never lived alone before.<br>
My dad is 78 and lives in Florida for about 9 months. He has a home up north and family there but it’s too cold and he can play golf all winter in Florida.</p>
<p>I just don’t know what the future will bring for him.</p>
<p>Men seem to have a much more difficult time when their spouse passes away;</p>
<p>If recent history is accurate, and he is in Florida for the winter, he will not be alone for long (if you know what I mean)…assuming he wants companionship he is outnumbered by the number of widows…</p>
<p>My mother, on the other hand, has been widowed for over 30 years…has dated occasionally…</p>
<p>My mother lost her husband 23 years ago. She never chose to date. She has been lonely for years. She has found a circle of other widowed friends through those years, but it took years and she was very angry, and very bitter. She was not pleasant to be around. It has not changed much around holidays, but between holidays she seems more content. Around the holidays she seems to feel more lonely and that is when she shows her anger and bitterness. It has not been a happy life for her since my father died, but she has had many happy moments.</p>
<p>She would love to move to a warmer climate, but all of her friends live near her, so she doesn’t plan on moving. She cannot stand the cold, and now is feels trapped because she knows trying to walk outside when there are patches of snow and ice is risky.</p>
<p>My older sister lost her husband unexpectedly in November. We went to visit her on Saturday and it was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. She’s like a faded picture of herself, thinner, lost. I just don’t know she’s going to do.</p>
<p>ZM–I know several women who have found that a support group for widowed people to be very helpful for them. Don’t know if that’s something your sister could do–it’s worth a try.</p>
<p>I lost my husband two years ago, when my oldest was a freshman in college, and my youngest was 13. I was devastated. November is two months ago, her loss is very fresh, and she is still in shock. What she needs is support, lots, from friends and family. What I learned two years ago was I have some absolutely amazing friends, but my family had no idea what to do. </p>
<p>Helpful ideas for the recently bereaved:
<p>If she is one that likes online forums like this one, have her try <a href=“http://www.ywbb.org%5B/url%5D”>www.ywbb.org</a>. It’s a forum for young widows/widowers. There are others out there too.</p>
<p>A helpful book for those who want to help loved ones who have suffered a close loss, “There Are No Words”.</p>
<p>Warning, she will get worse before she gets better. Around 6 months it finally sets in that this is her life, and that is really hard. But life can come back. I, and my kids, did find a new normal. We laugh together, and the kids seems to be doing great. The youngest does go to the rowdiest teen grief group I can imagine. And around 10 month or so I found I could stand on my own, and I liked this life too. It opened me up to dating again at about 14 months out, and now I have a new sweetheart. </p>
<p>The most helpful advice I got from a friend was her looking into my eyes and saying “Not now, not soon, but someday, you will be happy again.” And she was right.</p>
<p>My Dad died in March. They were married for 65 years and my mom is just lost. She is a shadow of herself. She lives on a farm and is very isolated but feels as though she is betraying him when she talks about moving. She is alone and afraid. I spend as much time with her as I can but she lives in another state. She is 84 and I don’t see things getting much better. </p>
<p>I have said before - I lost my Dad and the best parts of my Mom.</p>
<p>My dad died 4 years ago after 58 years of marriage. It was unexpected and, arguably, the result of post-surgical neglect.</p>
<p>At first my mom was in shock (as were we all) then she was angry. VERY angry. At the doctors. At my dad. At the world! At our urging (ok, insistsence) she went into therapy. She was lucky . . . her therapist was fabulous! In time, she has worked through her anger.</p>
<p>Even at the beginning, in deep shock, she went out with friends. Both my parents had lots of good friends and many casual friends, most of whom did not abandon her. (It’s sad how the still married people abandon widows in particular . . .) She talks about days she cried over the bridge table . . . 2 no (sob, sob) trump! But she got up, got out of the house, and slowly got over it (to the extent you ever get over losing your spouse of 58 years). </p>
<p>She’s become far more independent (my dad used to take care of everything!) and is now happy. She stays VERY busy (she’s never home when we call . . . which is good!) Her health is becoming more of an issue but I have no doubt she’ll soldier through it as well as she can. </p>
<p>I think the key to life after losing a spouse is to try to stay active and engaged. I hope to use that as a model when (many, many years in the future) it happens to me.</p>
<p>My mom was widowed at age 52, with no warning. She had a very, very difficult time for close to two years, as she went through every stage of grief. The best thing she ever did was to join a group for young widows. She was able to bond with several of them, and formed deep and long-lasting friendships which exist to this day, almost 26 years later. About 2 1/2 years out, she met a wonderful man, in many ways much more wonderful than my father ever was, and they have been together ever since.</p>
<p>My dad is in that situation too. My mother died in May. He had a stroke in October, in December he fell and broke his hip. Now he is home and bedridden. My brother and sister both live with him but he is fading away. It’s very sad.</p>
<p>PhotoOp - I am so sorry.</p>
<p>My dad told me last fall he doesn’t know what the future will bring. He doesn’t want to be sent to a home and wished he would just drop dead on the golf course. I really think if he were taken ill he would not put up a fight.
Fortunately, he does have one close friend, a very nice lady who lost her husband a couple of years ago to cancer. They were at one time, two couples who socialized together as very good friends. This gives me peace of mind.</p>
<p>I think he is somewhat depressed (duh) but with no health problems doesn’t see a physician regularly.
I am flying down to visit him in a week and a half and looking forward to it but dreading it too. The last time I went, in November he hardly wanted to leave the house. I don’t want to spend 5 days sitting on his front porch listening to opera.<br>
We kids are all far away from him - I don’t know what we would do if he got sick.</p>
<p>My mom was widowed at 43. My dad had been ill, but seemed to be in remission, and it was very sudden. Mom got through by keeping going–she had no choice, since she had kids at home and a full-time, demanding job. She never dated, and now, at 80, seems fine by herself. She goes out some, but has always been fine alone, too. Sadly, her brother died a few years after my dad did, and she and my aunt have been each other’s support system since. They live near each other during the summer and are out constantly–plays, concerts, drives, restaurants, etc. Last summer they went to Ireland and Scotland. during the winter, my aunt goes to FLA and keeps up the pace, but my mom stays north and, I think, catches her breath from all that running around. So far, knock on wood, she’s healthy. Overall, she’s provided me with a model for resilience.</p>
<p>My dad died unexpectedly 10 years ago. My mom didn’t handle it well and became difficult to be around. I was a sophomore in college at the time and she expected me to quit school and move back home, so that I could take care of the bills and run the finances of the household because she wasn’t sure how. When I refused (to quit school, not help her out), she got very angry and ended up making some bad financial decisions against my advice. </p>
<p>Maybe two years later, her behavior started to get rather odd for the next 5 years or so. She started dating, but would move VERY fast with these men. She would meet a man, date him for maybe two months, then get engaged. She’d be engaged for maybe 6 months, then the relationship would suddenly end. Lather, rinse, repeat. </p>
<p>Many of these men didn’t seem to like me all that much and would attempt to treat me like a teenager, rather than an actual adult. I had one gentlemen inform me that he was going to “raise me correctly”, which was amusing, considering I was in my mid-20s, owned a home, had a job, and was engaged to be married. </p>
<p>Speaking of my engagement, her behavior took a very bizarre turn when I was engaged. She got engaged (again) about 6 months before my wedding. She mentioned more than once that a double wedding would be fun, then mentioned that they were thinking about getting married the week before my wedding. I kept my mouth shut about it, but decided to say something when it came to my wedding shower. I had asked her to host it, because I don’t live in the same town as all of my relatives. She was excited about it, because she had recently did a remodel and was looking for an excuse to have a party. </p>
<p>The week before the shower, she called me to give me a head’s up that she had been “informally” telling everyone that the shower was for her and not me. She also said she had told all her neighbors that it was her shower, so that “they would know I’m engaged”. I thought this was very strange and told her to knock it off, but I ended up hurting her feelings. The day of my wedding, we got into a slight disagreement because I said that I wanted some pictures of the two of us without her fiance. I ended up getting a couple with the two of us before they left in a huff during the picture taking. They ended the relationship about a month later. </p>
<p>She recently got remarried to a very nice man. They’ve been together about a year and it was a short engagement, so I don’t know him all that well, but he and his family seem nice. Some of their interactions are a bit odd to me, but I’m assuming there’s a generational thing going on (my mom is an older than typical parent). Overall, she seems happy and her odd behavior has calmed down, which is awesome, considering how the past several years have been.</p>
<p>Mom and Dad were married 56 years and were the type of couple who were “joined at the hip.” Neither of them ever did anything alone, but I always thought that Mom was the more resilient one who would handle the death of a spouse better. When Mom died 3 1/2 years ago, my Dad became very lost and remains so. He only has one living male friend and will not contact the widows of any of the couples they socialized with because “they were your mom’s friends.” He refuses any suggestions about things he can do, from going to a movie, to classes, to having lunch at the senior center, to even going to McDonald’s and hanging out with the coffee klatch there. He angrily tells me, “I’m doing what I want; I’m very happy.” Yeah, Dad, yeah, you seem thrilled! My son reminds me that he’s not likely to get more flexible at nearly 85 years of age.</p>
<p>My dad has been grieving for 7 years now. He’s extremely lonely but unwilling/unable to take steps to do anything much about it.</p>
<p>He’s been having health issues that come with his advancing years. He’s 79 and has early stage Alzheimer’s, non-insulin dependent diabetes, and recently had a procedure for a cerebral aneurysm. He’s on about 17 or 18 medications and seems to spend much of his life going to doctor’s appointments.</p>
<p>It’s difficult, we’ve tried to get him to sell his house and move closer to my wife and I but he steadfastly refuses to consider it. It makes it hard to get by his house to check on him or spend time as my wife and I both work at jobs that require a lot of extra hours.
As a result we mainly communicate by phone daily and squeeze in weekly visits. My brother is 900 miles away and seemingly has no interest in moving any closer.</p>
<p>My Dad is dying now and has been “terminal” for several years, but my mother is only now starting to think about that day coming and I don’t know what she will do. Luckily they live near me so that is great, but she has not driven in about 10 years (gets motion sick driving) and that same illness that prevents driving prevents her from getting involved in community groups. She used to be involved in her community and church in the old places, but not in this new place, so no friends, no outside activities.</p>
<p>She is mid-80s and has put all of her energy into things with my Dad or being involved with things to do with my kids; they are all out of the area as of this fal and when Dad dies, even if that frees up the energy to be involved, she will have made no core group of friends, she will have no one who knew him or who really understands what she is missing.</p>
<p>I feel badly for her and I feel like a real sandwich kid, I am just entering my first months as an empty nester and now my mother will be totally dependent on me, not just for groceries & other driving, but for emotional support. I hate to sound selfish, but I thought I would get a reprieve after all those years fo feeling responsible for emotional support for kids growing (hey, three teen girls will really put you through the wringer!) and now before I can catch my breath and decide what I want to do as a grown up, I am faced with knowing my mother has no peer support group :(</p>
<p>My in laws have an active peer support group in their church, but even there, the problem is they all keep dying! When one gets ot be 90+ way too many friends are gone!</p>