<p>Many of you know that I’m getting married next June. I am not changing my name, have no intention of changing my name, and it’s never been up for discussion. My fiance is perfectly fine with it, my parents support me entirely (my mom didn’t change her last name for her first marriage and only did in her second marriage when I came along), but that’s about where the support ends. Whenever it comes up in conversation, I get so much flak. I don’t bring it up on purpose but it does come up especially when talking about wedding things. </p>
<p>My future mother in law is the worst- she’s told me that I won’t “really” be part of the family until I take their name. Which is fine, I don’t care- we don’t get along well anyway. Outside of her, I have been told repeatedly that it makes life difficult for travel, school documents, etc. We are planning on having one or two kids so that’s something to take into consideration. Our child(ren)'s last names are going to be hyphenated MyName-HisName. Again, something we’re both in agreement on. </p>
<p>I’m not necessarily questioning my choice but I am starting to just feel worn down about it. So for those of you who didn’t change your last name, has it REALLY been a huge hassle like many people are making it out to be? </p>
<p>When I got married, my name was suzy (maiden name) (married name) without a hyphen. I went generally by suzy (married name). When I got divorced, I did not change it because I had 2 kids with (married name) as a last name and I think it did make things easier. My daughter has a friend whose last name is hyphenated and she does NOT like it. She says it’s a hassle with forms, teachers, etc. Just thought I’d let you know. In the end, it’s your decision.</p>
<p>My sense it that not changing names was more common when I got married, in the late 70’s. I didn’t change my name because DH and I worked in the same place. Both of our last names are difficult, so why exchange the one I’m used to?</p>
<p>I have had almost no difficulty. Even our parish, which for a while didn’t accommodate different spouse surnames, has adapted. Once I had DD, who used her Dad’s name (I wouldn’t wish our hyphenated complicated names on her) I sometimes mentioned that her last name was different from mine when supplying her name for various purposes. Maybe people thought we were divorced or something. In any case, no one ever batted an eye.</p>
<p>I know a man who changed his name to his wife’s name when they got married. Maybe your husband to be would do that? It seems like most professional women these days do not change their names and it seems to suit them just fine.</p>
<p>suzy, I should add that whether they get my name or our hyphenated name, they’re going to have issues with forms because of my apostrophe. Forms have become infinitely easier over the years :).</p>
<p>Fwiw, both of our names are relatively short and easy. Even together, they’re shorter than a lot of last names I know. </p>
<p>Thank you, smdur. I didn’t even think about divorce situations. My sister lived with her mom and step-dad primarily growing up and had my dad’s name. I should ask her about that. I had never thought about it.</p>
<p>Andover, I brought that up to him and he was not game. Which is fine- if I’m not willing to change my last name, I shouldn’t expect him to either </p>
<p>I changed my last name. At times, I wish I hadn’t, but, really, it’s fine that I did. I have an unusual maiden name and thought his would be easier. That hasn’t proven to be the case. Easier to spell, but people mispronounce it all the time. </p>
<p>First-born ds is a junior, at dh’s insistence. Ds2 has my maiden name as his middle name, so we match, which I love.</p>
<p>I think as long as you don’t get bent out of shape should you have kids and you are called Mrs. MyName-HisName, rather than Ms. MyName, which will happen a lot, then it’ll be fine. It can be confusing to others when everyone is something different, but people will learn and adapt. </p>
<p>I’ve been married 27 years and didn’t change my name. In fact when it comes up in conversation my husband is quick to say “it’s not that she didn’t take my name…I didn’t offer it”. So we have two kids and although it took his parents a few years to get the message, eventually everyone figured it out and it has made absolutely no difference at all. My kids regularly corrected their friends when they called me “Mrs. Dad’s Last Name” and although I always emphasized that I was “Ms. Last Name” in introductions, I obviously got used to answering to “Mrs. Last Name” (even tho that put me in mind of my mother). Doctor’s offices, schools, etc. all just made notes on the file as to my different last name. I would not have done it any other way. But then I’m particularly bristly about the patriarchal assumption of changing one’s name upon marriage.</p>
<p>Both boys ended up with my husband’s last name (oldest son is the 4th) but we did contemplate giving our younger son my last name. In the end, we thought that having brothers with different last names might be too confusing or odd. These days younger son always says that it might have made high school easier to not have been known as the younger brother. :)</p>
<p>I’m definitely not the kind to get bent out of shape when people call me the wrong thing. Besides, I’d much rather people call me by my first name than Mr or Ms/Mrs anything so hopefully that will solve that issue. My parents also hate going by Mr/Mrs last name so apparently I’ve inherited that </p>
<p>My last name is much easier and more common than his- even with the apostrophe. His is a German last name that I’ve never seen anywhere else. </p>
<p>archie, thanks for that. I think I’m lucky in that it’s becoming more and more common in younger generations (to either keep last name by hyphenating or just in general) and I think that will make the path a bit easier for me. I think it’s just starting to get tiresome to hear it over and over.</p>
<p>romani,
I’ve been married for almost 37 years. I didn’t change my name and never thought about doing it. We have 3 kids with hyphenated last names. We gave each of them relatively short first names. (4 or 5 letters.) </p>
<p>Occasionally, their full name won’t totally fit on some stupid form but on the important stuff like Driver’s license, It hasn’t been an issue.</p>
<p>The stupidest question I was ever asked came from a cousin who was a contemporary of mine. He asked me why I was getting married if I wouldn’t change my name…if the abbreviation had been around then, this would truly have been a situation of SMH. My husband used to say to people that his family had worked long and hard to establish their good name, and they weren’t going to allow just anyone to take it on. :)</p>
<p>We have encountered zero problems with travel, school documents, etc. You are being fed a load of BS. By the way, my oldest son is getting married next weekend. His fiancee is not changing her name either. The wedding invitations were the best. Her mother also kept her name, so there were 4 parents names on the invite, plus my hyphenated son plus the bride, who uses her mother’s last name as her middle name.</p>
<p>No problems with school documents, but I know that there have been a lot of times when we have been traveling (particularly internationally) when I was thinking, “This would have been a lot easier if we had the same last name.”</p>
<p>Since my DW doesn’t handle any of the travel arrangements, fill out the forms, etc, she would tell you that it hasn’t caused any issues at all. </p>
<p>We’ve never experienced this type of issue, but, unfortunately, things like this can happen:</p>
<p>When I was a young person, a had a friend who had physicians as parents. They went by their respective names professionally but we called her mrs. Last name of the daughters. We asked and that was what she told us to call her. This was many years ago. </p>
<p>My kids on the other hand had friends who’s mothers had not changed their name. They had friends who’s name was hyphenated, who had parents who were divorced and had different last names than the kids. My kids didn’t get mixed up with the names, it didn’t matter, they didn’t think anything of it. </p>
<p>I think we are way past the whole name thing. </p>
<p>The only way anyone was confused is if a woman was divorced and took back her maiden name. Once you think of someone by a certain name, it seems to stick. </p>
<p>Go by whatever last name you and your (future) husband want. Any kids you have won’t be confused and neither will their friends. </p>
<p>Almost 30 years ago, my grandfather, puzzled at the thought that I wasn’t changing my name, asked how people would know we were married. I just told him that I guess if it was really important to them, they’d just have to ask me. He never questioned it further. No problems. Kids kept their father’s last name. I introduced myself with first and last name. I answered to either last name, would usually say with a smile, “I’ll answer to anything.” Really… zero hassles.</p>
<p>I have had my fair share of snarky lines thrown my way about it: “Are you doing this so that it’ll be easier when you divorce?” “Are you just not sure about your marriage?” Or, my favorite “But what does HE want?” Those don’t bother me nearly as much as the ones that say it’s going to be difficult for our kids. </p>
<p>I’m going to just continue ignoring any negative comments that come my way. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy and ignoring something obvious. </p>
<p>Romani…this is a smile and nod situation. No discussion.</p>
<p>I did change my name. I’ve been married twice. My bachelors degree diploma has my maiden name on it. My masters has my first married name on it. And neither matches my name now.</p>
<p>I never discussed names with my future inlaws…at all. It was our business, not theirs. In my husbands family, one sister changed her name and the other didn’t. With the boys, two of us took the husband last name. One couple hyphenated his and her last names. The other sister in law kept her name.</p>
<p>I didn’t change my name. Kids have their dad’s last name. My MIL used to write checks to me made out to my husband’s last name. The manager at our bank branch knew me and would let me cash them without ID. I can say that your bigger problem isn’t this name issue, it is having inlaws you don’t get along with. You are not just marrying your husband, whether you like it or not you are marrying his family. As long as you are with him, you are also stuck with them.</p>
<p>Romani, I never changed my name and I can’t think of any way at all that it was a hassle, other than the fact that the MIL and some relatives never really got the point. But other than that I think it was easier in every possible way possible to keep my birth name. Drivers license, passport, bank accounts, credit cards, insurance documents, voter registration, whatever – all stayed the same. No change to my diplomas, and I didn’t have to make any changes with the state bar. No need to fill out any paperwork. There was never any issue at my kids’ schools. I had a different last name than my kids… so what. (I wouldn’t phone up the school and say “I’m Mrs. Notmykid” anyway, I’d call up and say, “I’m Kidname’s mother, I have a question about …” Same with kids’ doctors or whatever. </p>
<p>My kids simply have their dad’s last name — I’m not fond of hyphenated names, and my last name isn’t the original family name from dad’s side of the family anyway – but rather an anglicized version of the family name - so no point in retaining it for purposes of carrying on a family name or giving a nod to ethnic heritage. </p>
<p>My grandson has five names:</p>
<p>Last name is his father’s (my son’s).</p>
<p>The two names before that are his mother’s last name and the family (maiden) name of his maternal grandmother.</p>
<p>No hyphens. </p>
<p>I honestly think that it is way more hassle than it’s worth to change last names given all the paperwork involved. </p>
<p>I think the tradition of a wife changing to her husband’s name goes back to a time before women had their own educational credentials and careers, and before there was so much record keeping in our society. </p>
<p>You’ll be fine if you stick to your guns, keep your name, but don’t make an issue of it for social occasions if your MIL insists on addressing envelopes to you as Mrs. Romani His-last-name.</p>
<p>intparent, I’m aware and it’s really been the only issue we’ve had in the four years we’ve been together. My FIL doesn’t care what we do- he just wants us to be happy. The MIL thinks the world revolves around her. My fiance has stood up to her more than once when she starts yapping about this issue or my religion or whatever she happens to want to pick on me for that day. </p>
<p>She’s toned it down quite a bit since we’ve become officially engaged. I think my FIL had a come to Jesus talk with her about it because we simply stopped coming over and he wants to have a relationship with us.</p>
<p>Thanks, calmom. I agree that it’s just a hassle. All of my degrees will be in my name and I personally just don’t see the point in changing. </p>
<p>To be completely honest, I am not a huge fan of hyphenated names either but I wanted our kids to have my last name. This is literally the only thing he has ever requested from me in regards to our wedding or marriage and I’m not completely unreasonable (most times ). We did agree to have my last name first in the hyphenation and have both agreed that if the kids truly hate it, we’ll help them change it (sometime in high school) or support them if they want to change it themselves as adults. </p>
<p>Never considered changing my name. Neither DH, DS nor I have had a problem with it in any aspect of life. </p>
<p>When my DS was little, his friends would call me Mrs. DHlastname. I never corrected them. However if the parents of those children used DHlastname, I would tell them my last name and ask them to refer to me by that.</p>
<p>The only issue was when my grandmother called me at the hospital when DS was born. Dear grandma was embarrassed that the nurses would think I was an unwed mom and that she was the great grandmother in that situation!</p>
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So we have two kids and although it took his parents a few years to get the message, eventually everyone figured it out and it has made absolutely no difference at all. My kids regularly corrected their friends when they called me “Mrs. Dad’s Last Name” and although I always emphasized that I was “Ms. Last Name” in introductions, I obviously got used to answering to “Mrs. Last Name” (even tho that put me in mind of my mother). Doctor’s offices, schools, etc. all just made notes on the file as to my different last name. I would not have done it any other way. But then I’m particularly bristly about the patriarchal assumption of changing one’s name upon marriage.</p>
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