<p>Like everyone, I am dreading the inevitable rejection. To combat this, I have devised a hopefully amusing way to lighten everyone’s mood when the 30th comes. </p>
<p>Steps of Being Rejected by a University</p>
<p>Step 1-Denial<br>
-Most students will think they must have misread “Rejected” and that blinking or refreshing the page will cause their temporary dyslexia to straighten itself out. This usually lasts a few seconds, but seems like an eternity.</p>
<p>Step 2-Pain<br>
-Uncontrollable sobbing coupled with kicking the edge of a doorway to imitate an award-winning Oscar scene is common. Suggestion: wear steel-toed boots to offset the damage done to ones phalanges.</p>
<p>Step 3-Bargaining<br>
-Students ask rhetorical questions to their respective deity. Common questions include “What could I have done differently?” “How could (insert name of university here) not accept me?” “I’d donate a limb to a small child if they reverse their decision, can you work that out?”
-Warning: some students have tried to contact the university and claim their evil twin sibling filled out the application. They then request that the admissions committee reexamine their application with that fact in mind; please refrain from doing such.
Step 1-Denial (revisited)<br>
-After realizing the evil twin bargaining didn’t work, students repeat the steps. If said student still doesn’t realize evil twin bargaining won’t work, they are hired to write for NBC’s Outsourced.</p>
<p>Step 4-Depression<br>
-Students question their worthiness and wallow in their own misery; My Chemical Romance songs are on a loop. Watch Charlie Sheen interviews and cat videos on the internet to cope.</p>
<p>Step 5-Upward Turn<br>
-Most realize there are twenty-three thousand other people like them and their rejection doesn’t mean they will work at a fast food chain for the rest of their life.
-Fun Fact: Cee Lo Green’s “F**k You” gains a remarkable increase in views </p>
<p>Step 6-Rebuilding<br>
-As time passes, students plan their life at the universities that did accept them. Plans include locating nearby coffee places, saving the pizza delivery number to speed dial, getting on student ranking websites to see how attractive the opposite sex is at the university, and purchasing multiple pairs of pajama bottoms to wear to class.</p>
<p>Step 7-Acceptance
-Everyone realizes that a rejection means little more than changing the location of their incredible career and life. No university has a monopoly on success; hard-work, determination, and affability are bigger factors than Harvard, Yale, Princeton, or Stanford.</p>