I’ve been thinking of alternate methods of dealing with cremation ashes for the last several years as I’ve been going to funerals more often. I heard about this idea, where they make a cool pod that is the base for a tree: http://canyouactually.com/bye-bye-coffins-these-organic-burial-pods-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-when-you-die/ But, our family seems to move pretty often and it would be a bummer to leave a tree behind or feel guilt about doing that. It also looks expensive and part of the appeal for cremation, for me, is the low cost. Today, a friend posted this idea on FB, and I think it’s really neat! What do you think? http://canyouactually.com/artful-ashes/
no, No, and NO! Absolutely not!
I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about boomers trying to give away their stuff to their kids. FIL kept asking DH and his sibs whether they wanted some of MIL’s ashes to keep in their own homes. We think we got all of her back in the columbarium after he died, but who knows where he might have stashed something? If people start doing this, some poor daughter-in-law or great-niece is going to get stuck with storing the preserved bits of untold numbers of relatives she never met. But she won’t have me to blame, because I’m not playing this game.
Can you tell you touched a sore point?
Also, I heard the catholic church says that cremains should be kept together and buried - not divided or scattered.
I don’t want to leave anything that someone in my family has to lug around, care for, or worry about. They can keep there memories. That is sufficient.
Not something I would want to do, either, I do plan on getting cremated (would rather spend the money wasted on a coffin and funeral home and burial plot on one hell of a rip roaring party New Orleans style for those I leave behind, the hangovers will be part of my legacy to them:)
I prefer more dignified approaches to the problem.
In my family, there have been four cremations. One person’s ashes were buried in her husband’s grave (he had died more than 40 years earlier). The second person’s ashes were scattered at sea (by a commercial service); she had specifically requested this because she had a strong belief that cemeteries were a ridiculous waste of space. The third and fourth were buried in a family plot that was supposedly “full” but not too full to accommodate cremains. In one of these cases, this happened after the next of kin had the ashes in his possession for several months, during which he contemplated several plans for legally questionable do-it-yourself ash scattering. Other family members talked him out of it because we didn’t want to see an 82-year-old man going to jail.
If I don’t leave more if a legacy behind than my mortal remains, shame on me. No need for anyone to keep them around when I don’t need them anymore.
No. First there would be guilt of having to keep it safe. Then who is supposedly to keep track of it next. What happens if someone gives it away or sells it in a garage sale at some point by mistake? I don’t like the tree idea either. Think of the guilt of having to keep the tree alive. Ugh.
^^Note to self - avoid ornaments at garage sales.
My mother is currently keeping my father on a closet shelf in her bedroom. She likes having him there.
She has told me that when she dies she wishes direct cremation also, and wants both of them installed in a columbarium somewhere. She personally would be happy to be scattered or dug into the ground, but she doesn’t think my father would approve. 
My dad wanted to make each of us necklaces with a bit of Mom’s cremains. No. Not going there. I know at least one of my sisters said yes to the idea. Mom and Dad have spots in the columbarium at church, but my mom said she didn’t want to go there alone – so she sits on a table in the living room. My dad has instructed that the dog goes in with them, too, but not to tell the priest.
One of my sisters has her son’s cremains still at home, five years later. She brought him along to family celebrations for a few years and would put him on the table beside her while she opened holiday gifts.
A traditional funeral in Judaism involves a plain pine box, a simple service and no flowers. I think my Catholic family (esp my dad) will be horrified, as they would consider that not being dignified enough.
About the ornament–less than a teaspoon of actual cremains are actually incorporated into the the glass.
How do I know? I had DH’s cremains put into glass. He was an optical physicist and spent the last 15 years of his career studying the material properties of various glass-y silicon materials. He also collected art glass. (It was his joke–I’m an optical physicist; I like glass.) So when I learned of option to have his cremains incorporated into glass–I did it. I told all of his closest friends and we all had a wonderful laugh about it. It was just so him.
BTW, his cremains are in a light catcher that hangs in an east window facing the mountains so the morning sun shines through through i every morning.
The rest of Dh’s cremains are in a lovely mouth-blown art glass urn. When I die, my children will have me cremated and scatter my and DH’s ashes together up in the high country.
WayOutWestMom, what a wonderful story. I can see how the glass ornament and urn would hold so much meaning for you.
Not my thing! I saw the ornament thing on FB…sorry, but when I go, I don’t want my family to have my ashes literally “hanging around”.
But I can see how @WayOutWestMom had some personal significance for doing this. That is a lovely story…and very different than what most of us do for a living.
@ CountingDown, that story about the mother and her son’s ashes is so sad.
@WayOutWestMom What a lovely thing, so touching. I am so sorry for your loss.
I like the tree idea, but would also feel bad about moving away if it were on my property. I wonder if there are parks or preserves that would welcome memorial trees?
This discussion calls to mind Lydia Davis’ wonderful “Letter to a Funeral Parlor” in which she makes the case against the word “cremains” and argues for the use of the term “ashes,” which is, after all, used in the Bible.
You can find it here (about five entries down in the article).
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120953449
I think it’s cool.
I want to be a tree but an ornament is an interesting idea. I’m such a sap though that I would sob every time I saw it. I already cry when we put up a tribute ornament for a dear family friend.
I went to my best friend’s grave on the 1 year anniversary of his passing. Don’t laugh, but I wanted to get some sense that he was there so I could talk to him, but . . . . nothing. Just emptiness, so I left and drove down to the ocean to catch the sunset. It’s always where I feel most at peace. As I’m standing up on a bluff looking out, this teenage kid comes up, tells me he’s from Iowa and had never seen the ocean before that moment. It was fun to share that experience with him, we talked for a bit, it cheered me up, and suddenly I just felt my friend was there. He was not at the cemetery. He was here, overlooking the ocean where we spent so much time sailing together and watching sunsets.
That’s when I decided I wanted my ashes spread at sea. I’ve had a love affair with the ocean all my life. No other place makes sense. Anyone who might want to visit my grave would instead just need to go visit a beach somewhere. A beach in San Diego or Hawaii is a lot more pleasant than a cemetery. It’s a win/win.
No. Way.
I totally understand WayOutWest story but that is a very special story.
Just plant me somewhere or scatter me somewhere but in no way do I wish to sit on a mantle and hope family doesn’t dump me in the nearest trash bin or sell me at a garage sale at some point. I don’t wish to be a burden in life and certainly not after I’m gone!
That said–some people are extremely attached to loved ones and would dearly love to keep them nearby in some physical way. I think a vase or ornament for that particular individual is a great alternative to an urn sitting on someone’s shelf and burial. Cremate the loved one, save some ashes for those that want them in the family and bury/scatter the rest. (My physical way is more in the way of passing on jewelry and antiques–not remains.)
I met someone eons ago who wore a very pretty necklace with remains in it. The tradition in that country was when a great person died that tons of logs were added to the funeral pyre to make it very huge and add many ashes. You would never know if your bit of ashes had the actual remains or not. It was the thought that counts.
As someone who is a part-time genealogist / family history nut, I’m of a few minds on this. I like being able to go to a cemetery and find my family. Sometimes it is easier than other times. But it sure helps when they are somewhere. I actually like cemeteries. They’re very interesting. Thankfully my kids (and H) see them that way (rather than scary).
My grandmother donated her body to science. We never got her back. How that worked exactly, I do not know as I was not in charge. So there is … no place to go. I go to her assisted living place, but that doesn’t feel right. I wish she had the ocean or the mountains or someplace but she doesn’t/didn’t.
@1Dreamer I love your ocean story. What a blessing to you.