" … From her position at one of the world’s most prestigious schools, Lythcott-Haims came to believe that mothers and fathers in affluent communities have been hobbling their children by trying so hard to make sure they succeed, and by working so diligently to protect them from disappointment and failure and hardship." …
http://www.sltrib.com/home/3072998-155/former-stanford-dean-explains-why-helicopter
I must say, the article is utter nonsense. However there is a big market for these kinds of books today so I suspect more of these will get produced even if they basically repeat the same nonsense from earlier similar books.
Every single generation has always felt that the next generation is completely coddled and ruined. People don’t like change. Well, too bad.
“Nonsense” in terms of what?
This issue is high on the agendas of Deans right now.
Nonsense, as in it makes no sense.
Okay, it makes no sense to you, but it does to University Deans.
Obviously. Thankfully they are not the parent of my kid; I am. So they can write books (and get rich in the process) but can’t screw up my kid’s upbringing.
I’m sure there is a developing disagreement over what “screw up” means to different people, but rest assured that if your kid goes to one of these schools, the Deans will be most concerned about their well-being and development. It’s sorta their job.
I have been a loving, caring, involved parent (or helicopter parent in some people’s eye). to my girls. I have provided them with the best education possible, paid dearly for all of their ECs, and listened to all of their trials and tribulations. But no matter how much I tried to help, at the end of day, it was my girls who had to work through their own heart breaks, disappointment of being rejected by schools, jobs, and even our divorce. I have to say, my girls have come through with flying colors. I don’t think I could have done as well as them with some of the adversities they’ve had to face to date. Maybe, just maybe, the reason they are so resilient is because of our involvement, and knowing their parents have their backs.
I applaud the Deans for their concern. They should write more books.
I’m thinking of writing a book about how unresponsive Universities can be to those paying the bills (the parents)…I’m going to name it “Answer the ##@ $%&# phone!”
A lot of truth in that article. If anyone is interested in reading the viewpoint of someone who grew up as part of this phenomenon, I would suggest “The snowflake effect” by Trey Willis. If nothing else, it’s a funny book.
Personally, I have recently been called a “fighter jet pilot” by my youngest son. At first I was taken aback, but he explained that he knows I am always there, out of sight, but can rapidly bring support when needed. Happens slightly less than once/year/kid.
Well, I read articles like these to see if there are valid points when it comes to my parenting.
An article like this does not offend me. Instead I use it to reflect on what I’ve done in raising my children, and what I maybe should or shouldn’t do now. I did like the “simple tests” she lists. I know some people who would benefit from some introspection.
I think much of this article is centered around how we define “thrive.” For many parents, this includes subscribing to the notion of getting the best of everything and having all the affectations of society, including certain schools and jobs. Unfortunately, in the zest for such things, many don’t have the implicit agreement of their children, and in some instances, either are just carrying them or cajoling them to these projected goals. But, I digress, in our household, thrive has always meant: the ability to independently care for yourself, to pursue a passion, the ability to contribute society/community and the ability to communicate and connect with others around you. These are rather simple modest goals, but what we call in my family Ikce wicasa–the common man…
The problem I have with these articles is there is no effort to define the extent of the problem. It is a pretty big leap from more kids are requesting to counseling to a generation is being ruined. The vast majority of parents I know from my generally upper middle class suburb, are loving and involved but did not complain to teachers if their snowflake got a bad grade and certainly do not reach out to college professors. There are a few and every knows who they are, but from my experience it is still a small number and not enough to ruin an entire generation. Perhaps the dean should talk to the vast majority of students who are doing OK without major parental involvement before declaring all of us parents as harming our kids.
I have zero interest in how other people think my husband and I should raise our children. I especially don’t care how businesses with whom I may contract to provide a service think. I’m sure they’d all love it if parents wrote an annual 5-figure check and walked away. Unfortunately for them, if I’m writing the check the person they’re contracting with is me, not my 17-year-old. Do I expect to have to step in? No. We raise our children to be independent. Would I hesitate to step in if my children found my help necessary? Not at all.
I wonder if it isn’t possible that they concentrate at certain colleges for whatever reason, making the issue more pronounced in some cases.
My experience was not the same. If kids stayed up a little late to finish their homework, teachers can be sure to hear from parents. I am sure complainging about grades happened a lot, too. Parents made sure their kids get the “right” teachers, keep “proper” friends, etc. So did I until 6th grade but backed off after that. Many parents continued through high school graduation.
Our school would not entertain requests for teachers, even in elementary school, unless one kid had had that teacher and the parent felt, based on that knowledge, that the teacher would not work for a sibling. My oldest had the worst 5th grade teacher in the school (old, mean, and not effective) so I did take the time to write a note and request that the others not have that teacher. I am not sure that would work in middle or high school (middle school had a team structure so it would have to have been a problem with an entire team).
I was talking more about high school, since that is most relevant to college. Definitely parents who questioned teacher, but there was a protocol. Most kids here are pretty good at sticking up for themselves. Most parents do not get very far in complaining and most kids ask the parents to stay out of it, because they think it will only make matters worse.
Maybe that is part of the problem: if the administration does not support the teachers then parents learn they can get the school to change things. I think one of the reasons our administration is so tough is that it thinks that if they make a change for one kid, there will be a flood of requests in a couple of years as the news spreads.
Again, I definitely know there are some parents like this, but a minority in our HS.
Another empty article. As I pointed out on another thread, our society has gotten to the point where childish impulsiveness and harmless pranks have been criminalized. A second grade boy kisses a classmate he likes–it’s sexual harassment. A middle school girl shares her new lip gloss with her friends–she’s damaging the health of the community. A kid calls another kid a name on the playground–he’s a bully. A high school athlete paints the grass playing field in team colors–he’s a juvenile delinquent and vandal. So excuse us if we keep our children on a tight leash.
Secondly, the public schools do not hold themselves accountable for making sure our children learn, but rather blame parents and family life and society in general for any lack of academic success. If the student doesn’t do his homework, it’s the parent’s fault. If the parent hovers to make sure the student does his homework, the parent is crippling the student. Gimme a break.
And third, she brushed off pretty quickly the role of high schools and colleges in creating the need to be tirelessly perfect. The elite schools have contributed to the escalation of over-scheduling by admitting the over-scheduled superstars over the normal, balanced kids who actually sleep 8 hours a night. Maybe that’s why the kids are so depressed. They’ve been sleep-deprived for years. Seriously, as one example of what goes on that has nothing to do with parents, in just ONE of D’s high school classes the teacher handed out a sizeable novel on Monday, demanded that it be read by Friday for a quiz, and assigned 5 mini essays about the book to be submitted on Friday also. Then a timed writing test would be given the class after that. In addition, there was a timed writing and major essay due the same week for the previous literary work. Multiply that workload by 7 other classes, and that’s what these kids deal with. So again, excuse me if I do her laundry for her and have to wake up her poor exhausted self on Friday morning.
It’s time to start blaming people other than parents.
Ha Ha.
Yes, yes, yes and…yes.
Children who are taught at home to respect other people are much less likely to have these problems.
No, it really is about the parents.