Four people I love have cancer at the same time

Parent Cafe
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<p>My mother, father, sister-in-law, and dearest friend have cancer. I am extremely close to each of them and I am there for them all the time. I listen to their fears and cook meals, fly to my parents whenever I can and am trying to do my best. This is all in addition to issues and worries with my own family and kids.</p>

<p>I try to put up a strong front for each of them to enable them to vent and lean on me when they need to but it is starting to take a real toll on me. I have trouble falling asleep, I wake up with my heart beating fast, and my body shakes periodically throughout the day. </p>

<p>I do not want to take any medication but I need to find some way to help myself. </p>

<p>I worry, too, that all this stress is not good for my own health but I obviously can’t decrease the stress because people I dearly love are going through terrible times and I need to be there for each of them.</p>

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<p>questbest, I urge you to find a counselor to talk to. After my oldest son was diagnosed with a severe mental illness in May, I started seeing one. Then my next son also became mentally ill in October, so I REALLY needed her! I know exactly how you feel. My sons need me almost all the time. They are functioning well right now, due to their compliance in part but also due to my constant diligence.</p>

<p>I’m not taking medication, but being able to vent every couple of weeks has really helped. I too, have to put up a strong front. The hard thing for me to accept is that these will be life-long conditions for them, most likely.</p>

<p>Feel free to PM me any time! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.</p>

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<p>Questbest, in order to care for these people, you have to care for yourself. Take an hour and meet with your Dr. and explain the situation. He/she might prescribe anti-anxiety meds, or he/she may also help with other non-prescriptive methods to ease stress. When my Dad died many years ago, I found myself three weeks later with a prescription for xanax, I think 20 tabs. Since then, I re-fill that prescription about every 1-2 years (mostly use it for flying). I took a half tab very infrequently at night to help me sleep when the brain just wouldn’t shut down. I found just sleeping helped me take care of three small children, my mom etc. After the initial stress, just knowing the bottle was in the cupboard usually made me feel better. In other words, this may not be your path, but it does mean you have to get sleep and de-stress yourself in order to give your best to your loved ones.</p>

<p>Make sure YOU have a support group as well…and vent/worry/cry with them as you need to. It is an honor to be able to help our friends–and your friends and family most likely feel that way about YOU. Take care.</p>

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<p>In addition to the advice offered above, I really encourage you to exercise. When DH had cancer, and then afterwards when we experienced a horrible crisis in our family, the treadmill truly saved my sanity.</p>

<p>Also, make sure to eat nutritious foods, don’t skip meals, and try to get enough sleep-I know that’s difficult, so medication of some kind could help with that, or exercise and hot baths, hot tea, relaxing music, etc. at bedtime.</p>

<p>Good luck, you have a lot on your plate, so I totally sympathize.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry. I second the advice above, and also want to add that along with seeing your doc for sleep aids and keeping up with your own health, it’s important that you find an outlet that takes your mind away from your loved-one’s problems. Do you have other friends who have interests that you could participate in? You shouldn’t spend all of your time worrying about your relatives. You need to have some fun. All the meds in the world won’t alleviate the stress if you’re not also enjoying your life in ways that are satisfying to you.</p>

<p>I have cancer myself, and I make a point of not burdening my family or friends with my fears and various health challenges, but I also encourage them to do things that are fun, and not worry if I can’t participate. I want them to stay healthy because I care about them, but also so they will be here for me for as long as I’m around. if they are too burned out due to my neediness, it won’t help me out at all! </p>

<p>So think of taking time for yourself as a gift to them as well. You want to store up your reserves so you can be there for the long haul. Best wishes, truly.</p>

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<p>Last spring MIL was diagnosed with lymphoma. After 6 months here (their summer home is near us) in grueling treatment she was declared free. It got a little hairy for SIL and me trying to discern what to do for them and fit it into our otherwise packed lives.</p>

<p>Last week she had a 3-month scan in Florida (winter home) and left to visit grandchildren. Yesterday they got a call that they have to come in to talk about the scan. No one knows what that means, but it didn’t sound good. </p>

<p>The thought of going through another round of whatever torture they might have planned this time is giving US knots, I can’t imagine what it’s doing for MIL/FIL. Dreading the inevitable call today from the chronically overwrought SIL.</p>

<p>Questbest, second the thoughts on exercise, as well as meditation/yoga/zen if you are into any of that. I also find having several novels I can retreat to for distraction at night helps with the sleeping problems. Hang in there, you’re not alone.</p>

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<p>Learn to say no to others and yes to yourself.</p>

<p>Sadly and not to scare you but caregivers have died before the people they were taking care of did. </p>

<p>This is your family and friend, yes, but you cant kill yourself taking care of them. By being selfish a bit, you can actually do more with less.</p>

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<p>Good advice above. The toll of serious/chronic illness on caregivers is very real. I’ve been there. Long-distance has its own challenges. Get assistance - both for the physical care of your family/friends (so it doesn’t fall on you alone), and for yourself. The advocay/information organizations for every major illness have networks of support groups and information for family, friends, and caregivers. If you are at all religious, your local clergy can be a valuable resource. “Being strong” for someone who is ill does not require that you sacrifice yourself. </p>

<p>While written specifically for breast cancer patients, “Dr Susan Love’s Breast Book”, <a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Susan-Loves-Breast-Book/dp/B000SZVCHC/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1[/url]”>http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Susan-Loves-Breast-Book/dp/B000SZVCHC/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1&lt;/a&gt;, is an excellent resource for both patients, family, and caregivers. Good luck.</p>

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<p>questbest, hugs. Amazingly difficult situation you are in. Brave person you are.
Keep in touch to vent, if that is a help. Advice is very good above, too.
Take care of yourself. Remember-That is what they would want.</p>

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<p>Questbest, I am sorry! I hope that you can find some solace in the good that you are doing. You cannot do everything. You cannot do everything. You are doing what you can and it is a comfort to your family and friends. Best wishes to you and to them.</p>

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<p>So sorry, questbest. You are a good friend/family member.</p>

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<p>Hugs…I have been a caregiver and a patient. Neither side is easier. You are doing a great job of being a support…and that is important. But you MUST support yourself as well. Do what you must do for your family and friend…and then take yourself to…the gym, the movies, out to lunch…a therapist…whatever gives you a lift.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>A weekly professional massage has helped me through tough patches (and sneaking off for things I enjoy such as manicures, breakfast with a friend, or a girls night out). Schedule in relaxful activities into your busy schedule!</p>

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<p>Questbest, I am so sorry you are going through this. As many others have said, it is important to take care of yourself and to do some things for you. It’s difficult enough dealing with one family member/close friend going through cancer, let alone four! I definitely think counseling would be a great idea. You are everyone else’s person to vent to/unload on. You need someone to do the same thing for you. It is necessary for your survival. Hugs and prayers.</p>

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<p>Questbest - I really, really understand. </p>

<p>I am the person that everyone in our family (and friends) see as being indomitable. I am not. Sometimes I am just hanging on by a thread. </p>

<p>A year ago, I finally got a prescription for Ativan. I get thirty .5 mg. tablets and they last me for at least four months. I have them on hand when I can stop thinking. When I need to get a great night’s sleep. </p>

<p>I am not saying this is what you need, but even us unsinkable types need some help sometimes.</p>

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<p>I am a stage 4 cancer patient currently going through a treatment for recurrence.</p>

<p>From a patient’s point of view, here is my input.</p>

<p>@@@@@ </p>

<p>Illness does NOT confer a halo of unassailable holiness to the patient. Even as a patient, I feel that I should be considerate and mindful of other people’s well being while others are trying to help me. The fact that I have a disease does not mean that the whole world revolves around me. Too often, during online or off line support group discussions, I encounter some patients who become essentially an emperor or empress on account of their illness. </p>

<p>You need to stay alert and NOT become an enabler. There might be an urge on your part to give in to everything and anything, but in the long run, you are not doing them any favor by exhausting yourself. With modern medical technology, patients with what used to be a fatal disease can go on quite a long time (I hope this is the case for me). It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Everybody has to pace themselves, both patients and care givers. Hitting the 100m milepost at a lightening speed only to succumb to exhaustion at a 200m milepost does not help anyone.</p>

<p>I am NOT saying your loved ones behave like this at all. I am saying this, just in case. Even if they are considerate on their part, you should give yourself a lot of extra room so that you can stay healthy and balanced. In the end, as a patient, I would NOT want my husband’s and my kids’ life to be consumed by my disease. that would be the ultimate triumph of the disease. I wouldn’t want that. If your loved ones are good people, they wouldn’t want it either. They would want you to go on with your normal life as much as possible, while they appreciate any kind words and considerate thought on your part. </p>

<p>@@@@@ </p>

<p>I don’t know how serious your loved one’s cancer is. Sometimes, there is an urge on the part of the caregivers to paint EVERYTHING in an ultra positive tone - like neon sign positive. At times, I find this quite oppressive, like an unattainable goal shoved down my throat.</p>

<p>I think the key thing is, mirror the patient’s emotional wavelength closely. Not saying you should wholeheartedly agree by saying “yes, indeed you only have 6 months to live” :wink: Be positive but RESPECT the patient’s fear. It’s real. It needs to be respected and taken seriously. </p>

<p>Here is what I wrote on a thread I started. (it’s a very long thread. 80 pages worth of reply. This was a reply 1017: </p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1048699-my-diagnosis-advanced-cancer-how-help-my-kids-68.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1048699-my-diagnosis-advanced-cancer-how-help-my-kids-68.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I have been writing and posting because it is so therapeutic. This was a little humor piece on what to say and what not to say. </p>

<p>

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<p>Great post sunrise east. I know some of those people. ( & I think I have been all of them)</p>

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<p>That is a great post sunriseeast. I have been trying to think of how I was with MIL last year. Mostly, I would rather furtively ask “so how are you feeling?”, and questions about how the treatments, doctors visits, and neuropathy are going, but not to the extent of the “Interview” case. </p>

<p>As one of the DIL’s, my big problems were not knowing what to do or what was expected of us and not being able to handle any display of misery/depression/weepiness on her part. I guess I would not be the go to person for venting/unloading on.</p>

<p>It does seem like in every case you describe, that it is part of the person’s most fundamental makeup which comes through. eg. the devout christian probably relates everything in her life to Jesus and the bible, the cheerleader probably cheers her children through everything from games to the flu, the armchair doctors probably practice their brand of medicine on all their friends and family, etc. Just in your case it is all intensified and you are understandably more sensitive to it than would normally be the case.</p>

<p>We’ve all known people like these, but usually we are not in their bullseye, so we are more easily able to tune it out.</p>

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<p>I would say that I find the displays of misery and hopelessness on the part of loved ones who are quite ill the most difficult to handle…I really don’t know how to react. I usually just listen and give them a hug. I am not the type that cries easily so even if they are crying, I tend not to cry and I feel badly that I am not able to cry with them.</p>

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<p>You are doing the best that you can and I’m sure that they want you to be genuine, even if it means that you are not crying with them.
Questbest, I hope this isn’t out of line but I have read many of your previous threads and posts and you strike me as a very sensitive and caring person. You also seem to deal with a great deal of anxiety and guilt. I notice this because you remind me of myself. Waking up in the morning with a rapidly beating heart is a symptom of anxiety. There have been many mornings that I have woken with that feeling along with my nails biting into the palms of my hands. It’s not pleasant. Excessive guilt along with anxiety is often a sign of depression.</p>

<p>These symptoms are not easy to deal with in a normal situation but when you are surrounded by illness and putting demands on yourself, it can make the symptoms worse.</p>

<p>One way to take care of yourself is to take the step to see a therapist and find the best way to deal with your symptoms. It may be therapy or it may be medication. I wouldn’t rule anything out. By taking care of yourself, you will be in a much better position to help the people you love.</p>