<p>My mother has been in nursing home rehab for two months, and as of yesterday we know that she is too frail to go back to the assisted living where she has lived happily for 2 1/2 years. This is not a big surprise, but I have to admit that I had my hopes up a little too high. The details are all way too complicated to give here–she has been in the hospital for one thing or another five times since February of this year, and then in Sept. she broke her leg.</p>
<p>So this will be the first Thanksgiving she has not spent with her family. We are a big extended family, and we’re mobilizing into action for the next three days–niece and great-grandson visiting today, two family groups going to visit TG morning and early afternoon, a leftover dinner there with her on Friday (in our family, it’s traditional to love the leftovers as much as the meal itself).</p>
<p>Still, all this is superficial, because it’s not a happy time. We decided not to tell her that she is not going back until we know the details (eventually, we will move her to another facility). My father died on Thanksgiving night (age 59, 20+ years ago). My mom’s stroke left her with a hole in her memory that includes that period. This is a good thing, because up until her stroke we dreaded TG because she went into mourning around the middle of Nov. every single year, and it was not fun! Now I find it coming back to haunt me. Are we jinxed? Should we just move Thanksgiving to another month and see what happens? It’s now almost noon on the day before TG, and the whole country pretty much goes on hiatus, so I’m not going to accomplish anything in the way of next steps for her until Monday (next steps include looming financial issues; she has no resources, so we’ll be applying for Medicaid).</p>
<p>P.S. My senior son asked if he could stay home today–half day at school, nothing much happening. I said yes, and we had a good talk about how I’m trying to focus on the cup half full: We have each other. For the first time in what seems like years and years, I noticed that he wiped some little tears from the corners of his eyes. It’s good to have my guys right now–son, husband, AND dog (I believe in pet therapy!)</p>
<p>So sorry to read about your Mom’s troubles. It is wonderful that she has a loving family which will make it a good holiday for her.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. I know how hard it can be to deal with aging parnet’s issues…especially at the holidays. Make sure you take some time to enjoy the holiday yourself…treat yourself a little special so you can mak the extra effort you will need come Monday, and enjoy this time with your family!</p>
<p>I wouldn’t suggest moving Thanksgiving to another time.</p>
<p>There will be too many reminders of Thanksgiving at the nursing home – decorations, other people’s visitors wishing people a Happy Thanksgiving, perhaps changes in the caregivers’ schedules. She will know that something is up.</p>
<p>Geez,
All SNFs have a T-day meal, usually before T-day. Family can visit GM over the weekend. Be sure to take pictures of family members to hang in her room.</p>
<p>Given that your MO is not fully competent, I would go the route of white lies. I would tell mom that she needs to be in a place with more nursing care for awhile. I’d share that you are looking for a nice place, where she will be comfortable. Once she is actually settled in this new SNF, getting attached to staff and other residents, then you could reference how content she seems. I’d delay telling he the real truth until she does settle in.</p>
<p>bookworm
Thanks for confirmation that it’s okay to delay telling her. That’s been bugging me. After all these years, I’m still convinced my mom can tell when I’m lying! ;)</p>
<p>It is okay not to tell your mother yet and it is also okay to have a good Thanksgiving despite the shadows. Not every Thanksgiving is a joyful one, but it sounds as though you are all going to be doing your best to share it with her and be together as well, making the most of what really is a wonderful holiday. Good luck next week, and enjoy tomorrow.</p>
<p>I think it is great that all of your family is rallying to go visit your Mom in the rehab facility. What an affirmation of family bonds. </p>
<p>My FIL suffered a stroke 7 years ago and has gone steadily downhill. He is still at home because MIL is taking care of him but she too is almost to the breaking point both physically and emotionally. I have suggested having the family gathering at SIL’s house this year as it is just too much for FIL and MIL for all to crowd in on them but SIL is not very receptive. I’m afraid we will end up with some hard feelings this year. It is a tough situation for all. involved.</p>
<p>Wow, Packmom, MIL had a stroke 20 years ago and is only home because FIL cares for her, but he is waearing out nad her wheelchair bound ways leave her weighing about the same as him, making it difficult to maneuver her and a strain on him physically.</p>
<p>We have been spending more and more time there and they are on a wait list for assisted care, but trying to stay in their home as long as possible before going into the “home to die” (How MIL sees it)</p>
<p>They can no longer travel, not even a couple of hours to attend a Thanksgiving meal with nearby family, and seem content with a large social group, but it is tough and sad. </p>
<p>We are really in a place in life where every one cannot go to them, maybe in a year or two we might do a holiday at their house, but it does not work now (2000 miles away, jobs, school, etc)</p>
<p>My family too is facing this issue- my 87 yo mom has been in the hospital since mid October and has just returned Monday to her assisted living facility - but she has to have a 24 hour nurse there with her. My dear brother is the only one near her so the burdens have fallen on him - my sister and I both live in the NE (she is in the deep south). The AL facility promised to TRY her for 2 weeks only to see if she can improve - her illness left her unable to move herself at all and she was not improving much in the hospital. If this does not work, she will need to move to skilled nursing care which in her mind is “going to die” also. SHe has dementia as well so she is truly unaware of many things going on. </p>
<p>My brother will be there with her tomorrow and my sis and I and families will be there for Xmas. IT is very hard to face and challenging to deal with on so many levels. THe holidays seem so different without her participation. I guess we need to look at new ways to try to engage her and hope for the best.</p>
<p>I deeply sympathise with these eldercare of loved ones situations, and what one poster says sums it up so well: “Not all Thanksgivings are happy ones”. Mom died two summers ago but her slow decline in the preceding years had us coming up with some pretty creative solutions on how to make all of the generations have a decent holiday, together if possible, but not always. Its not easy, is it?</p>
<p>geezermom - all the best during this difficult time. It sounds as if you really have two sad developments to deal with. You are saying how difficult it will be to tell her she has to stay in the SNF. But the real difficulty sounds to me to be you actually coming to grips with having your mom now moving into a SNF. It is a big step to have to deal with and my heart goes out to you all.</p>
<p>She must be a wonderful person for her family to love her so much; and she must be very lucky to have such a loving family to care for her.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for responding. We all learn to deal with these life changes and come out okay on the other end. Have a good Thanksgiving day, whoever you’re with and wherever you are.</p>
(I believe in pet therapy!)</p>