Frequency of contact with your college freshman?

Parents Forum
161

<p>Thanks again, everyone. You’re all such lovely people, and I appreciate your words, and your encouragement, more than you can know. I’m glad now that I decided to write about the way I’ve been feeling, as much as I hesitated to do so. It’s very comforting and reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who’s gone through this, and that there are lots of moms who’ve felt (and are feeling) exactly the same way – dads too, I’m sure, even if they might not be so ready to admit it! </p>

<p>Right now, of course, I’m pretty much just counting the hours until I see my son this weekend; I think about it at least once every five minutes! (He doesn’t sound nearly so excited, which is a good thing, I think, because it shows me that he really is happy there, and doing well. He told me that I don’t have to worry about trying to see him Friday night – I don’t get in to O’Hare until about 8:30 PM Chicago time – and it’s perfectly OK to wait until Saturday morning; he’ll just make plans with friends instead!)</p>

<p>What I’m telling myself, and sort of making a semi-commitment to myself to do, is that after I get back from Chicago, I’m going to start exploring what there is to do around here on weekends that I might enjoy – even if I’m not quite ready to start actually doing anything right away. Because I really, really don’t want the sole focus of my life for the next month to be waiting for my son to come home for Thanksgiving. I just can’t keep on like that indefinitely, or I really will lose my mind, or whatever part of it I haven’t lost already!</p>

<p>Donna</p>

162

<p>I’ve been reading through this with one ton of sympathy. I’d only add that I don’t see any reason to rush through this grieving process. There is no timetable. When you feel like getting out and involved, you will. This is a tremendous life transition–just keep in mind it isn’t a race. (One thing I try to remind myself often is that there are so many worse reasons to be missing your child. This should be a “good” kind of pain for you.) (And how sad would it be if you <em>didn’t</em> miss him terribly? What would that say about your relationship?)</p>

163

<p>Thank you. I do know that I’m really very lucky. I feel especially so, having just gotten back from visiting my son for family weekend at the U of Chicago. In fact, I’m on cloud 9 at the moment! I’m sure that in a few days it’ll fade a little bit, and I’ll be thinking again about what to do with my own life. But right now, I’m extremely happy. And to a certain extent, I think it’s going to last. Being able to see with my own eyes how well he’s doing on his own, and how much happier he seems than he did in high school, and how obvious it is that he’s met people in his dorm whom he likes to spend time with, and who clearly like him, was extremely reassuring, and I don’t think I’m going to be as anxious as I was. I’m very proud of him – he’s never been all that independent, and a year or two ago I’m not sure he would have been managing very well in this situation, but it’s clear to me that he’s ready now. (Even if he did manage to forget where he put his room key three times in the space of ten minutes at one point, and even if I did make what turned out to be the mistake of asking him when we left his room afterwards, if he was sure he had his key! He was not happy with me – “when are you going to stop treating me like I’m five?” I bit my tongue and didn’t give the obvious answer. I do try not to be overprotective, but it’s my greatest weakness as a parent, I think.) </p>

<p>Certainly, looking back to how unhappy, and out of place, I felt for a good part of my own freshman year way back when, he’s doing much better than I was at the same point. I think having a single room makes a huge difference for him. He can be very sociable when he’s in the mood, but he also very much needs a place he can retreat to when things get too stressful or overwhelming; his own space where he can be by himself, and recharge his batteries. Perhaps being an only child has something to do with that, but then again, I’m kind of like that too, and I wasn’t an only child.</p>

<p>It really was a wonderful weekend overall. Even though I was only with him from about 11 am Saturday until 4:30 pm Sunday, we were together that whole time. The plane was delayed and didn’t get in until late Friday night – it was pouring in Chicago, thunder and lightning, etc. – and, to be honest, I was kind of lucky just to get to my hotel at all: I rented a car at O’Hare, a little Mazda subcompact that felt lighter than even my Corolla, and as I was merging from I-190 onto I-90 outside the airport, going east towards Chicago, the car skidded on me in the rain, even though I was only going about 30 mph or so; certainly not more than 40. I had no control of the car, and it spun completely around so I ended up facing backwards on the highway by the time it stopped spinning. First time I’ve ever skidded like that in my 34 years with a drivers license; I was more surprised than anything else – your typical everything’s in slow motion experience, thinking, wow, I’m having an accident, I wonder where this thing’s going to stop! (I did, at least, remember to turn into the skid, sort of, instead of trying to turn the wheel against it.) I was lucky that the car just missed the guard rail, and I was even more lucky that there was nobody immediately behind me, so that when I came to a stop nobody had hit me; there was a car stopped, facing me, about 10 or 15 feet away. At that point, I checked to make sure I was all there, turned the car around again, and drove to Chicago.</p>

<p>Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, it was a nice, peaceful, weekend. We didn’t do any of the classes or other events they had, but my son showed me all his haunts, including all the different libraries he hangs out in, and we had lots of fun browsing some of the collections that were out on the shelves of the reading rooms. (What can I say; we both have a great weakness for libraries and bookstores.) I drove him to the supermarket to stock his little refrigerator, and then out to dinner at a very good Italian restaurant in Lakeview (it’s called Angelina’s – not cheap, but the food was excellent). The view of Chicago from Lake Shore Drive at night is amazingly beautiful. Then we just went back to my hotel on South Michigan Avenue. I had a double room, and he had thrown a few things into a backpack, so he decided to stay with me – which pleased me to no end. (I had made sure that the room would have two double beds, instead of one king-size, just in case.) I know it sounds corny, but after he fell asleep, which happened pretty much as soon as his head hit the pillow, I just sat there watching him sleep for a while, and listening to him breathe (just like I did when he was little), feeling an immense joy at having him with me, safe and sound. I think he appreciated sleeping in a nice hotel bed for once, and appreciated even more having room service breakfast on Sunday morning – as he put it, it was a mini-vacation for him. On Sunday, we just hung out, and I ended up going to the library with him and watching him read for a while before I left. Equally fun!</p>

<p>One rather odd coincidence that happened on Saturday afternoon, in the small world category: we were in the Seminary co-op bookstore right on the campus (a great bookstore with winding, labyrinth-like corridors, where they carry a lot of the course books and thousands of others). My son was off browsing somewhere, and I was standing there looking at some books, when I heard a voice saying, “Donna?” I turned around, and it was a woman who explained that she’s on College Confidential, these very boards, who also has a son who’s a freshman at the U. of Chicago and was there for family weekend; I’d pm’d with her a few days before. (I won’t say who, because I didn’t ask if it was OK to mention even her screen name!) How did she know it was me, given that neither of us has ever met or seen a picture of each other, or our kids? I had mentioned in a PM, apropos of something I don’t even remember, that my son and I are about the same height, around 5’2”. So when she saw a woman that height come into the bookstore with a son about the same height, she guessed it was me, and took a chance that she was right. (Even though my son and I couldn’t be the <em>only</em> short pair like that out of thousands of undergraduates and their parents; could we?) She was right, and I’m glad she took that chance, because it was really pretty cool to meet her. As I said, small world! (And, hey, it proves that I’m a real person, and not just making up the fact that I have a son at the University of Chicago!)</p>

<p>I’m very happy. He even called me Sunday night in New Jersey, to make sure I had gotten home safely.</p>

<p>OK, sorry for rambling so. If I write, eventually, about what (if anything) I end up deciding to try to do with my own life, I’ll begin a new thread, instead of continuing to hijack this one. </p>

<p>Thanks again to all of you for being so kind.</p>

<p>Donna</p>

164

<p>Donna, that sounds like a WONDERFUL weekend (in spite of wiping out!). I’m glad you found your S happy, healthy and thriving. I’m sure that is a big comfort to you and will support you as you grow and learn from this transition as well. Would love to hear other Parents’ Weekend stories. I met a parent and student on my flight out for move-in day and it turns out the student lives in S’s dorm and knew several of S’s friends. Small world!</p>

165

<p>Enjoy the glow that comes from seeing your beloved son adjusting and thriving at a place where he truly belongs! I am so happy for you!! Thank you for sharing your story. As a mother who has felt many of your mixed emotions regarding letting go, I especially enjoyed hearing that your visit was gratifying! Watching him sleep, listening to him breathe…such is a mother’s love! Even if you do sometimes treat him like he’s five, he must know how lucky he is to have such a loving, caring mom. Your son sounds like a real sweetheart, too. </p>

<p>SO sorry about the spinout. That must have been terrifying. Your guardian angel was on board with you! Driving on the Chicago expressways is not for the faint of heart, on a good day, let alone in the pouring rain. My heart about stopped while reading of your harrowing moment – that probably felt like a lifetime to you!</p>

<p>I will be thinking of you as you embark on the next phase of this transition. I hope you will want to share what you choose to do for yourself, now that you know your son is doing well. I applaud your willingness to be vulnerable. You have helped many of us to know we are not alone.</p>

166

<p>Sounds like it would make for a great book. It’s amazing to seen teenagers growing into adults, taking risks, managing their own lives and figuring things out. I think that they love the ability and freedom to take risks too.</p>

167

<p>It seems like with my kids, any contact they initiate comes with a request for me to do something. On the other hand, if I contact them, I get the bum’s rush on the phone as they are often in the middle of something.</p>

168

<p>I look forward to IM reports at work from my son. It was daily the first semester. Now it’s about once or twice a week.</p>

169

<p>I’m glad you had such a great weekend, Donna. I loved the story of your accidental CC meeting. We need to see for ourselves that they’re doing just fine and enjoying their new independence. My S attends my H’s alma mater. On parents’ weekend, my H had to accept that our son’s campus walking shortcuts are just as good as his, if not better. The alpha male role is shifting, I guess. It was funny.</p>

<p>Much, much better communication here (he’s been there two months). We both talk to him by phone now and then, exchange e-mails, and I make sure my IM is turned on if I’m at my computer in the evenings. He sometimes pops up with a message, and we chat for a few minutes about random stuff. Our family just might be finding our new “normal.” We miss him, but it’s hard to miss him too much when we know he’s doing well. This is the way it’s supposed to be.</p>

170

<p>

</p>

<p>And, if left somewhat to their own devices, they do seem to manage.</p>

<p>My now Soph son loves to ski. I used to take him each winter although I don’t ski. That meant he got a lot of ski lessons but the free time skiing was solo. By early HS he’d go with another family with boys his age or I’d take a couple of his friends with us.</p>

<p>Now he’s in college. Freshman year he asked for an airmiles ticket to Jackson Hole as his X-mas present. He made arrangements to crash with a friend who was gap yearing and had a job at the resort. He financed the rest from money he had earned and saved. </p>

<p>This year he informed me that he and the same guy were getting temporary Winter Holiday jobs at the Resort and would be driving up and splitting the gas. He called the other night to get the phone number of a family whose son he had tutored throughout high school to add to his resume as a reference for the Resort employment. Otherwise, he has handled it on his own.</p>

<p>Sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t as self-sufficient would I hear from him more. Then I think about how it feels to realize he is running his own show, lumps and all. I figure its worth the trade-off.</p>

171

<p>My freshman s was home overnight Friday for a concert, so he came in late, and unlike his other friends that came home to visit for the weekend, he wanted to head back to campus for a dance going on at his dorm. A month ago, I’d have found such a short visit very unsatisfying and disappointing, but it was fine. I had two hours in the car to chat about classes and politics and grades, and it’s a lot easier to let go when you see them so happy and thriving. I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving–though from what I hear they tend to be with friends more than home during breaks. I’m hoping I can talk him into hosting a party so I can see all his friends–though as I type that I’m not sure it’s a good idea. My s is in a dorm community that isn’t into the drinking/partying scene, but surely some of his friends from last year have started with that. I’m assuming they would know that a party at our house still means lots of food, and no alcohol or drugs, but what if they drink before they come? Anybody have any experience with this? Just wondering…</p>

172

<p>How to know when both parent and child are settling in to the new life routine: Now, when my son calls to chat, sometimes I’m in the middle of something and tell him I need to get off the phone!</p>