<p>The hard part is I was not prepared for the transition, the leaving home, not seeing my son after school, not eating dinner together … you all know what I mean. I was not prepared to hear less often than I would like. My son is on the West coast and we live on the East coast. Do you really want your son to go to California, friends asked? In fact, my son said that at his high school, most of the kids stay on the East coast and that their parents don’t want them to go to California. Well…I could not say no to a California school because I left home near Chicago and went to college in California. I love California, even with its problems (fires, earthquakes, high housing prices, crowded traffic, etc.). It is a place where you feel young and full of vitality. I advised my son that if you want to live in California, do it when you go to college, because the housing prices are too high after that. He is at a great school and we are happy for him. We are getting more e-mails. He is making friends. OK, so we don’t chat on the phone as much as I would like. Keep busy. I am feeling better now that two months have passed and knowing that my son is at a wonderful university. As parents, we should be as devoted as we can be to our children so that when they become parents, they are also devoted to their children. To those who are angry that they haven’t heard, or heard very little from their sons, just be thankful that their are no calls of regret, despair, complaining, etc. Find friends and a life which you enjoy, even if it means your son is not at home daily.</p>
<p>Packmom your post brought back some reminders for me. As I mentioned in previous posts son 1 did not call much freshman year. Nor did he answer our calls. We were extremely frustrated. But it got worse. I remember being excited about him coming home. His younger sibling couldn’t wait to spend time with him. She had been very close with him and his leaving was hard on her. When he came home the tuesday before Thanksgiving he had dinner with us. Then he was out and visiting friends and his hometown gf. He did give us Thanksgiving day but the rest of the weekend we rarely saw him. Summer was not much better. By the end of summer I had developed some real resentment and his sister had become annoyed and angry. Before he left we had a good talk with him and let him know how we felt about his actions. He has been so much better this year.</p>
<p>D is a freshman at an out of state school. She calls me EVERY DAY (sometimes 2-3 times per day). Just to chat. She is happy, had made lots of friends, and like her classes. She said the other day, “Mom, you aren’t a helicopter parent, I am a helicopter kid!”. Even when she left her phone at a school friend’s house over a weekend so was without it for several days, she borrowed a friend’s cell to call. She was always the kid who wanted to tell me all about her day as soon as she got home from school (would follow me around the house if necessary). Guess she still is. :)</p>
<p>Friend with a son out of state says he contacts them so infrequently that she isn’t sure he even still has a pulse.</p>
<p>Resisting temptation to hover, I thought I’d wait and see how often my first-year daughter would call or write. Well, it turned out to be…never! Eventually her father told her she had to call us on Sundays late morning just so we would know she was alive! Funny, she always sounds so happy to talk to us, but other than the obligatory Sunday call, we never hear from her. She facebooks her sister fairly often, so hear news through the grapevine. </p>
<p>She loves college and is positively blooming. I am so happy for her, truly thrilled, but I feel a bit discarded and sad. At our last phone call I mentioned that we would be seeing her soon for Parents’ Weekend. She said, “Oh really? When is that?” Meanwhile, I’ve been literally counting the days until I can wrap my arms around her again!</p>
<p><<<<< D is a freshman at an out of state school. She calls me EVERY DAY (sometimes 2-3 times per day). Just to chat. She is happy, had made lots of friends, and like her classes. She said the other day, “Mom, you aren’t a helicopter parent, I am a helicopter kid!”. Even when she left her phone at a school friend’s house over a weekend so was without it for several days, she borrowed a friend’s cell to call. She was always the kid who wanted to tell me all about her day as soon as she got home from school (would follow me around the house if necessary). Guess she still is. <<<<<<</p>
<p>My boys (boys! no less) have always told me how their school days went (I know it’s a bit unusual for boys). As I mentioned above, when my son first went away to school, he didn’t call very often. When I would call, he would sound a bit irritated; he wanted to be “independent.” So, I stopped calling. But… soon… he started calling me quite often. (as I described above - usually while walking between classes or returning to his dorm). Sometimes, if there is a lot going on - lots of tests, lots of grades coming back, etc, - he may call a few times in one day - especially the couple of times that he got quite sick (104+ fevers). </p>
<p>I know that each kid is different. But, many will “keep their distance” for a bit, but then will later want more frequent contact. When I first went away to college, I didn’t come home until Thanksgiving, and I never called my parents (long distance was expensive back then - it was cheaper to drive home back then!!!). After awhile, I drove home about every 4 -6 weeks.</p>
<p>Dbws asked if as Octoberbreak rolls around we’re hearing more from our student. Well, since I wasn’t hearing from him at all, I guess the answer is yes. Unfortunately IU does not have a break in October, which I think is a mistake because I do think it’s a good time particularly for freshmen to regroup and get some rest. </p>
<p>We met our s at a tailgate last weekend and he brought his dorm friends and they were wonderful, and s seems really happy. He’s signed up to be an honor’s host and seems to be getting involved and making great friends. When I spoke to him this week he said he loved the tailgate because he was so happy to have some real food, so I do think he’s missing home a bit–but not enough to actually come here or anything drastic like that! 
</p>
<p>I also agree with the other poster that said she felt woefully unprepared for how hard it was. It was just straight-up brutal for a solid month. I’m feeling much better now, and didn’t feel at all sad after leaving the tailgate because he was clearly so happy and just thriving.</p>
<p>There were a few weeks at first when my daughter was not contacting us much - now I hear from her enough. There is one T Th class where she has to park her bike on the other side of the building from her classroom - i sometimes get a quick update call on my cell during the minute or two when she is walking from the classroom to the bike after class. We have been talking about Thanksgiving (she is visiting a friend the weekend after Thanksgiving) and about Christmas plans. And she has been entertained by stories of her little brother’s adventures as a high school freshman, navigating the school she and her pals ruled last year’s seniors. I was worried for those first few weeks but I guess she just wanted some time to separate. Now I get enough texts and calls to feel like we are in touch with each other. I am looking forward to a hug when we visit her.</p>
<p>My freshman S has been away (far away) at school for 5 weeks now, and we have a pretty comfortable system going on. He calls every couple of days in the evening, I put my cell on speakerphone, and my H and I talk with him for a half hour or so. It feels like he is right in the room with us, and it is so enjoyable.</p>
<p>These conversations, coupled with the occasional email, are plenty of contact for me. He has lots to say about his classes and friends, and that is heaven for a mom. I expect it to taper off some as time goes on, and that will be fine.</p>
<p>I still feel very sad and lonely, unfortunately. It’s such a change – my son was unquestionably the central focus of my life for 18 years, and now, all of a sudden (hey, it’s just yesterday that he was 10 years old, isn’t it?), he isn’t there. Plus, right up until he left, we still spent a lot of time doing things together on weekends – he wasn’t embarrassed to go to restaurants with me, or go to movies with me, or just to sit around and talk about books and life and art and history and Project Runway! (Even though I was very happy that in the last couple of years he started spending a lot more time with friends.)</p>
<p>Perhaps it’s especially difficult for me because he’s an only child, and when we’re together it’s been just the two of us for the last 8 years since my marriage fell apart. Anyway, I miss him, and it’s felt very strange the last three weekends since I brought him to Chicago – really, almost the first continuous stretch of weekends I’ve had without any family obligations, or family companionship, since 1986! So, I’ve been spending a lot of time, as I posted a week or two ago, waiting for him to call. Which he’s been doing every 2-3 days; we usually talk for about half an hour so, and I’m so happy and excited that he’s having such a wonderful time – making friends, enjoying classes. Plus, it’s so wonderful just to hear his voice. It’s almost embarrassing to admit how happy it makes me just to talk to him for a little while. And to be reassured that he has plenty of food in his little refrigerator in case he gets hungry at night!</p>
<p>Next weekend is Parents’ Weekend at the U of Chicago, so I’m very happy about that. This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing him in his whole life – he never was at summer camp longer than 4 weeks, always interrupted by parents’ day. </p>
<p>But I know that one of these days, fairly soon, I need to figure out something else to look forward to in my life, other than viewing time as consisting of the empty spaces between my son’s telephone calls! I don’t really have any friends anymore living anywhere near me – just about all my friends are in New York City; the rest have moved away, or “went” with my ex in the divorce, not that we ever socialized much – so I’ve spent most of the last few weekends sitting at home, feeling sort of stunned at how difficult this is, not going out except for running errands, going to the supermarket, etc. I had work to bring home, so that distracted me a little. Last weekend, I did end up eating at a restaurant by myself for the first time in three or four years, and going to a movie by myself (Rachel Getting Married, which was great, I thought) for the first time I can remember in at least 20 years! Both of which felt quite strange, and a little awkward. But still an improvement!</p>
<p>I’ve told him I miss him, of course, but haven’t said a word about what a hard time I’ve having. (Although he probably suspects – he knows me pretty well!) The last thing I’d want would be to make him feel guilty in any way.</p>
<p>I know I’ve probably been too focused on my role as a parent, and should have done more the last few years to develop an independent social life. But I always enjoyed him so much, it was so easy, and seemed so natural (especially since I’m introverted by nature), not to make the effort. </p>
<p>Sorry for the digression from the thread topic; it just sort of spilled out.</p>
<p>my s dove into first few weeks as freshman, active, busy, very little contact, and now approaching parents wknd, he is calling and kind of re-connecting. each freshman seems to find their own way. glad my s reaches out when its needed. think of us as parents as a well, not a shower.</p>
<p>DonnaL, I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you have any co-workers who you could have lunch or dinner with on a weekend? Or any parents of your son’s friends who might be going through the empty nest thing, too? It might feel awkward to ask, but just say that you’re trying to get out of the house more now that your son is gone. Have you thought about a volunteer activity on the weekends? Habitat for Humanity, or some service organization? Also, I don’t want to be presumptuous, but have you considered some counselling to help you get through this? You don’t want to keep on this way. </p>
<p>I can relate because I am the single mother of an only child AND I work at home! I’m not going through what you are, but I expected to, so I can empathize.</p>
<p>DonnaL, like Heron I can totally relate.</p>
<p>I’m also the parent of any only child, and the sense of disconnection and out-of-balanceness was really strong the first couple of weeks. There were times when I felt as if my useful life was over! This is undoubtedly exacerbated by the fact that I work at home, and usually by myself, and that was the end of my very slow season. I’ve found myself gradually getting my feet under me again though, especially being busy with work that involved having a couple of people working with me on a daily basis according to a regular schedule. A regular weekly activity of mine–singing in a choir–also started up again. I called a couple of friends and got together with them for lunch one Saturday. I went out and did things with a couple of other friends.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you do two things: consult a counselor, and sign yourself up for a class in something you’ve always had a hankering to explore or something you like to do but need structure or motivation to get yourself going. Around here, the town rec departments run such classes (quilting, painting, pottery, tai chi, yoga, etc.), as do art studios and yoga studios and the like. Join the Y or a gym and get a program of exercise going. (That’s the next thing on MY agenda. ) I know several women who have taken up voice lessons in their 50s and 60s. These are not meaningless things to “keep busy.” These are meaningful ways to explore your creativity, something that all too few people do.</p>
<p>Volunteer activities are a very good thing, too. If you belong to a church, they probably have zillions of things going on. If you don’t, I suggest–proselytizing here! :)–that you look into the Unitarian Universalist churches in your area, and visit them on Sunday mornings. You will find yourself very comfortable there as the mother of a gay son. If they don’t float your boat, there are other denominations that would probably be welcoming to you AND your son, such as the UCC and Reform Judaism. That would be an excellent way to find a congenial community.</p>
<p>This is a time to start investing in yourself! To have a balanced life, you need to get as well as give. (Something I need to remind myself of, too.)</p>
<p>BTW, I had a long talk with MY mother this am, and she told me that I rarely called HER when I was a freshman in college! Not my recollection at all, of course. SHe said she told my father not to worry, that I’d call if I needed something. :)</p>
<p>DonnaL: I sent you a PM</p>
<p>Yesterday my H and I had a speakerphone chat with our freshman son. (Hooray! Third chatty phone call in two months!) Our dog has a sweet habit of settling down during human conversations with a stuffed toy or a chew. It’s his way of socializing. So last night he left the room, came back with a toy, and laid down by our feet. I think he could recognize his missing peep’s voice.</p>
<p>DonnaL, this must be a hard time for single moms. I PM’d you.</p>
<p>I am a very blessed mom, with a S who still calls daily (sometimes twice a day!) after being at college for over a month! He has always been very close to me and my H, and he is also an only child. He’s not a real phone communicator, so we are very thankful for these daily calls.</p>
<p>I really miss the little things…seeing him, touching him, dinners all together, watching videos as a family… he was always busy in HS, but at least we had that daily morning and evening contact! Sometimes I think he calls us daily for US…which really helps. These are very short chats about his day and ours, and sometimes a quick goodnight. </p>
<p>I was very sad and disconnected the first couple of weeks after he left the nest, but H and I are so happy for our S, and did I mention that these quick calls on the cell phone help?! We have also had a few web cam chats, which are wonderful…To see him is priceless. </p>
<p>We always wait for his call, since his schedule changes daily, and we don’t want to interrupt his studies…so I keep that cell phone in my pocket at all times. I feel that these quick daily contacts are healthy and not excessive. Plus, even though he is a young man learning to become independent, he’s still only 18, he’s our son, and we are paying most of the bills! I feel no guilt, but then he is calling of his own accord, which is really wonderful.</p>
<p>Good luck to all of you fellow empty nesters! </p>
<p>BTW, I am still close to my mother, who’s 80…we talk a couple times a day as well! Parenthood and love never end, in my book!!</p>
<p>DonnaL, although my D is calling often, I share some of the same issues (divorced, very focused on kids, etc.). Although I have one D left at home, I too have been trying to rebuild my social network since divorcing a couple of years ago. If you don’t have a church, I second Consolidation’s recommendation to look into the Unitarian Universalist church. I joined one last year; one of my Ds is gay, and we have found the UU church to be very welcoming. Even if you are a non-believer-type.</p>
<p>I want to thank all of you for your kindness – you’re incredibly sweet! And thanks also to the people who sent me PM’s; I’ve written back to each of you. </p>
<p>I didn’t look at this thread yesterday because I was rather embarrassed at what I had written. After all, here I am, 53 years old, not simply a lawyer but a litigator for the last 29 years, and, yet, I agree with the analogy made in one of the PM’s I received: when my son calls, I feel like a giddy teenager, my heart leaping with joy, thinking of anything I can to keep him on the phone as long as possible. Even after he has to go (he often calls while he’s walking somewhere), the glow stays with me for a long time. For example, yesterday morning he called me to tell me he was about to leave on a bus trip with 20 other kids in his “house” (every dorm at the U. of Chicago is divided into “houses” of 40-60 kids), to go apple-picking in Indiana. Wow, how exciting! Just like those class trips he used to go on in grade school and pre-school! I even remember an apple-picking trip I went along for when he was about 4; he claims to remember it as well. I can still see him standing there, holding his little basket. So the thought of all of that kept me happy for hours yesterday.</p>
<p>As I said, slightly embarrassing. </p>
<p>Thanks also for all the suggestions. In fact, I do have a therapist whom I’ve been seeing for the last 2 1/2 years, originally to help me cope when I was feeling devastated by the very sudden and unexpected (to me!) end of a relationship I was in for a couple of years after my marriage ended (equally unexpectedly, for that matter). (What can I say; I didn’t see it coming either time – or, rather, I closed my eyes to what I should have seen. But that’s a whole other story!) For the same reason, I’ve been taking fairly low doses of both an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication for some time now – anxiety has always been a major problem for me, particularly irrational fears about something happening to my son. (It’s probably all connected to being the child of a Holocaust survivor, my mother, and to losing her to a car accident when I was 20. Or maybe it’s just the way I am.)</p>
<p>All of that helps, certainly. I’d be a lot worse off without it. And my therapist has been very encouraging, trying to make suggestions about things I could do to force myself to actually get out on weekends and try to meet people.</p>
<p>It’s just that I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet. As several of you have said, and as I keep telling myself, this is only my fourth weekend without him, and I’m hoping that it’ll get a little easier for me as time passes, and that the idea of going out and “doing” things won’t seem so excruciatingly difficult. It isn’t that I’m fundamentally antisocial, it’s that I find it painful to make the effort. Hopefully, I’ll find Parents’ Weekend this coming weekend to be reassuring and comforting, rather than something that will make me even more sad and lonely, when it’s over.</p>
<p>I know it’s foolish to be thinking in terms of not having any purpose in life anymore. I know I need to find something to occupy myself, something I take pleasure in. At least I’ve started <em>thinking</em> about things I could do, like taking a class in something – for example, for years, I’ve wanted to learn another language, and maybe I could try to do something like that. Or I could try out one of the Internet-organized “meet-up” groups that exist in different geographical areas for people who share interests – whether it’s going to restaurants, or book groups, or any one of a lot of other things. (Just so I didn’t end up in one of the many that consist largely of 25 to 35 year old women interested in going out places where they can meet, or at least talk about, guys. Not for me!)</p>
<p>Or I could get back to pursuing my intermittent pastime of the last 20 years or so – genealogical research, on my family and for friends. (Once upon a time, many years ago, I actually published a couple of articles in Jewish genealogical journals, and my research is credited in the acknowledgements of a couple of books, as well as one documentary film about the Kindertransport – my mother was one of the children in the very first transport – that won an Academy Award.) But, honestly, that kind of research has always been more of a solitary pastime for me, so throwing myself into it too much would be more a way of avoiding real-life social interaction than pursuing it. Which, I know, is what I really need to do. </p>
<p>I was also thinking of trying out a PFlag meeting in my area sometime (there’s one in South Orange that meets once a month). Not because I need help coping with my son being gay – I’ve never had a moment’s problem with that, except insofar as it’s made me worry that I might end up with no grandchildren! – but because it’s a way of meeting people, and maybe of helping other people out who are having issues.</p>
<p>It doesn’t surprise me that a couple of you mentioned the Unitarian Universalist church. I’ve heard a number of LGBT people, and their families, say (on another message board I belong to) that they’ve felt very welcomed there. But I’m very strongly Jewish-identified, although not particularly religious, and I don’t think I could ever participate in any way in a church, no matter which one it was. When my son was young, we used to belong to the Reform Jewish temple in our area, but I left after the marriage broke up – my ex was very involved, and I felt uncomfortable there, and my son ended up as a Temple-school dropout at the age of 10 anyway; he was too upset and distracted with the divorce going on. Besides, the place was always very oriented towards families with young children (on the one hand), and elderly people (on the other hand). So, not a place I’d fit in, at least not for another 20 years or so!</p>
<p>Anyway, thanks again so much, all of you. It’s not easy to admit this kind of vulnerability, but sometimes it helps just to talk about it to a sympathetic audience, I think.</p>
<p>Donna</p>
<p>Donna, many UU churches are full of Jews who identify strongly as such. UU churches all differ, and you may find one where you do feel comfortable if you shop around. There is also a kind of “new wave conservative” temple that seems to have sprung up in places like NYC and Boston and environs. I have friends who belong in both cities, and these temples seem to have a lot of well-educated singles who are NOT only looking for a spouse. They often have female rabbis, or even no rabbi at all. You may find one of those that is more oriented towards adult Jewish life, and less towards bar/bat mitzvah families. </p>
<p>Believe me, many of us know all too well how you feel. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.</p>
<p>Hi Donna.</p>
<p>My situation is dissimilar in that I still have two younger sons at home to be the focus of my attention, but it is very simiar in the fact that my older son was really a companionable presence in my life. I didn’t really ever stop to consider it until he was gone, but I really, really miss those conversations in the evening after the younger boys have gone to bed, or planning to see a movie with him etc. I don’t know that I would have pulled out of the grief I felt if I didn’t have those younger boys demanding my attention.</p>
<p>I think it’s really important to be kind to yourself and to give yourself time to move slowly through this transition. I think it’s good to get out there and meet people and find fulfilling pursuits, but I also think that this grief is no different than any other deep grief. It comes in waves. It can’t be rushed. It will lessen with time. I felt such despair in the weeks following my son’s departure that I wondered if I’d ever be able to adjust to him being gone. I know that when I was in the depths of my despair, it helped talking to other weepy mothers who were missing their kids, but generally, I did not want to socialize. I know the concern is that if you isolate yourself you won’t ever feel better, but I do think it’s o.k. to stay home and lick your wounds–so to speak-- for a little while. I don’t regret those days on the couch watching stupid tv shows. It was what I needed, but I would have liked it if somebody would have said, “It will get better in a month.” So, I am saying to you that my son left on August 26th, and today, October 21st, I am pain free. The first month was hellish, but the fog lifted considerably after that, and by the second week in October I was feeling back to normal. You will want to go out again and meet new people. You will appreciate the freedom. I had actually looked forward to not having the house filled with teenagers and then when they were gone I would have sold my other children to get them back, but now, I can appreciate the quiet. I didn’t think I’d get here, but I did, and so will you.</p>
<p>I’m doing much better now, and I’m guessing you will be too after your visit. When you see them in that environment and they’re doing well and happy, you can’t help but be happy too. This is what we worked so hard for all those years, so it is wonderful to see it come to fruition. I mean, your son is at the University of Chicago! That is a HUGE accomplishment. You’ll come to a point when you can revel in that. </p>
<p>I hope you have a wonderful visit to Chicago. My youngest son just said this morning, “When are we going to Chicago again?” It is my favorite city, and the fall weather is spectacular–winter, not so much. Actually, Christmas is amazing there too. </p>
<p>It really will get better soon, just hang in there and be nice to yourself.</p>
<p>It’s hard for all of us. My D calls most days and seeks advice and shares her triumphs and concerns. That’s all good. But still the house is too quiet, too clean, too empty without her. Today she told me it was going to be tough to come home for Thanksgiving because she is so busy at college! It was like a kick in the stomach.</p>
<p>I just think you have to take the pain, let it wash through you, let it run its course and then slowly come to accept that they are separating, starting their lives apart.</p>
<p>I try to remind myself that this pain is really part of the glory of parenting. Just like labor pain.</p>