<p>I agree with so many of these posters. Helenback: yes, don’t we feel like jilted girlfriends at times? And you are right: no more brownies unless you make me feel like baking them for you. Others: YES, YES, YES: the kids need space to become adults. They need time to miss us so they can appreciate us. I am not suggesting parents everywhere talk to their adult kids everyday; I am suggesting that we parents try to set habits now that lead to the type of healthy relationships WE want to have with our adult kids later. And feeling nervous about calling someone you love, whether it is your spouse, parent, kid, or friend indicates a level of discomfort that I assume most would like to avoid. I am speaking from my own experience of coming from a family that imploded due to a lack of communication, among other things. My kids observed the unhappiness this has caused over the years so they know that my desire to maintain strong family ties comes from my knowledge that they can disintegrate. Those of you who come from very stable families where one generation naturally reconnects with the other after their college/young adult years probably feel much more comfortable giving their kids more space. If you come from a family where people left and stayed gone and relationships between generations were lost or non-existent, then staying in touch probably takes on a higher priority. For me, a multi-generational, loving family would be a valuable treasure I would like my kids to have experienced by the time I depart this earth. Turns out, just like everything else we discuss on CC, that we all have different backgrounds that dictate our different approaches. To each his own. And kids: CALL YOUR MOTHER, SHE MISSES YOU. lol.</p>
<p>DS is a frosh at a local campus staying in a dorm. We don’t hear from him much via phone or email; we don’t contact him much. We’ll see him at fall break, election day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. That will allow enough time to get caught up with each other.</p>
<p>D1 has been away about 6 weeks, in her freshman year. Sadly, I had to call her Sunday to tell her one of her friends, now a senior in HS, had killed herself. There is no rule book for us now, and we’ve called each other many times in the last four days. She won’t be able to come home for the service, but has called or met with other friends who knew her. I’m really not sure what kind of support she will need from us. We’re going to visit in two weeks, which feels like forever. She agreed that it was actually easier not to be in our city right now, as there has been an outpouring of grief and speculation. I’m not sure whether to send her the links to newspaper and TV news accounts or just let her put it in a box for now. The girl who died was an outstanding person and there will be a lot of publicity. Any advice on this, wise CCers?</p>
<p>You need to be there for your child. Whatever that means. Don’t worry about too much or too little contact. Just sit and listen to her on the phone, even if she doesn’t want to talk. Encourage her to get support at the counseling service office at her college - that is why they are there.</p>
<p>My son’s friend killed himself at the beginning of summer after 8th grade. I didn’t know what to do. I asked him - what can I do. He told me that he didn’t want to talk about it then. When he did, he reached out to me, his friends, and is still angry and hurt that this friend took this step, even though he seemed fine. </p>
<p>After that point, I actually quit my full time job and went part time - I thought if this kid who seemed the epitome of normal would do this, any kid could. I spent a lot of time just observing my kids quietly and watching in probably an abnormal way what might go wrong. I was hyper concerned - and then things settled down. It was devastating on the community, and that group of kids was never exactly the same. </p>
<p>The parents of the kids in this group told them repeatedly that it wasn’t their fault - and they couldn’t have stopped it, and how selfish this friend was. He didn’t think about anyone but himself. </p>
<p>What a tragedy for your child - and everyone, especially this girl’s family. My heartfelt condolences go out to you.</p>
<p>When my S went off to college we did not hear from him for a week. We finally called and, after talking for awhile, suggested we talk to each other every Sunday. His response was, “Really? That often??!!??”</p>
<p>Levity aside, we have had to inform our kids (3 in college and the 2 D’s are much better at communication) of sad events on numerous occasions in the last few years. Luckily they have their lives at school to distract them. They, at least my K’s, do surprisingly well.</p>
<p>Oh riverrunner, that’s SO sad. Please accept my condolences.</p>
<p>:(</p>
<p>I wouldn’t send her links. She will probably look them up herself, if she wants more information. Just be there to listen to your daughter. She will probably want to talk about her friend, and needs someone to “be there.” It’s devastating to to see your daughter suffer, and to not know how to comfort her over a loss like that. I have been there, and it’s terribly hard. HUGS.</p>
<p>My son had a friend who killed himself 2 weeks ago. Son was devastated, they had just talked a few days before and other friends did not see any signs that this might happen. He was not able to go to the funeral, but some of the friends got together that lived close to each other and spent an evening talking–that seemed to help. Mostly, I (like oregon stated) just listened to him on phone. He is sad that such a special person is gone and angry that he didn’t reach out to any of his friends.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry that your D. is going through this river.</p>
<p>^^Thanks for the condolences, everyone. I didn’t mean to hijack the thread, but I decided dealing with hard things when the kids are away for the first time falls under this category.</p>
<p>mkm, I’m so sorry. I think the anger will come soon. Right now, we’re in shock.</p>
<p>I think it’s a very topical issue as we’re all feeling our way into what our new role is in our children’s lives. A terrible tragedy like this sort of throws all those questions out the window, but it raises other questions so I’m glad that you shared it. Chances are, another of us will have to give bad news to our student from afar. I’m so sorry your family is facing this.</p>
<p>As fall breaks come up, and the honeymoon starts to wear off, are you all seeing a little more contact as the kids get a little more stressed or maybe homesick?
I still talk or e-mail with D every day or every other day, and that hasn’t changed. But I know she has upped some of her contact with old friends and is really looking forward to fall break. She says all her new friends (of which she has many – she is still very, very happy at school) all feel like they need a “break” – whether it’s from academics of the hothouse atmosphere of the dorms or what, I’m not sure.</p>
<p>S2 has actually called all on his own the past 2 weekends. Our conversations are certainly shorter and less informative than with S1, but that’s to be expected considering how different they are. I’ve also figured out that if I send 1-2 sentence emails, he’ll shoot back a response, but if I send a lengthy email, he ignores most of it.
I feel like I’m beginning to get the hang of how to communicate with S2 in a way that works for him. It’s not always satisfying, but I’ll just have to deal with that.</p>
<p>I still haven’t adjusted to soph son calling. After a freshman year when he never called or responded to our calls. My stomach still flips for a second when I hear his voice. My natural reaction is that there is some sort of problem since he is not a caller. But the almost weekly calls have been just to say hi and keep in touch.</p>
<p>I’m reporting back in, after the terrible loss of D1’s friend to suicide 8 days ago. This has been a tough one, but for purposes of sharing experience, I’d say the first few days were the hardest, but today we had a “normal” conversation. We both feel the need to check in daily, and this is with a girl who was calling once a week, prior to this event. I think losing her friend completely reset her need to separate, and reminded her that it’s OK to stay in close contact with those who care for you most. It’s not a sign of neediness or weakness, but a sign of maturity and willingness to stay connected to those who love you.</p>
<p>We still hear from DD1 most days. Usually, I get a cell call sometime in the late afternoon after her classes when she is walking to the gym to work out or to a club meeting. Did not expect to be this fortunate in level of contact. She was gone six weeks following her junior year of hs and we heard from her exactly once the entire time. I love her calls. I can feel the maturation going on with her. She is already so far beyond where she was even a month ago. Change! Scarey but good.</p>
<p>Riverruner - I read about your D’s friend a day ago and just can’t think of anything sensible to post except that it’s too cruel for words. So sad for the family and friends and the poor kid who just couldn’t give it even one more day. It’s always a possiblility with young people. I don’t think any of us really grasp the stress they feel.</p>
<p>Nope. We still mostly talk when we call him–and that’s tough to time right. I am sending him a once-a-week e-mail, and I send interesting clippings, like my mother sent me, only mine are electronic! Today I sent him a silly photo of the dog. He always responds to my communications. But I miss his voice. I envy those of you who get frequent calls. Now I’m planning the Halloween care package.</p>
<p>riverrunner: I sent you a PM…</p>
<p>This is my first time with a college freshman so I have been tiptoeing around the communication issue. This bright, funny, entertaining kid who has been so tied to home and family got away and almost stopped contact. We had two very short phone calls the first three weeks. My e-mails usually get no responses (although he does always answer my mother). He does text when he has something to say, but we have set no fixed schedule. A month and a half in I guess I’ve decided to let him keep hold of the reins. My only tiny concern is that he might think I don’t miss him like the dickens, but I hope he knows that’s not true. I do send him random things–a comic I would have pointed out to him over breakfast, a picture I know he’d find cute, an article about his new home state. Maybe there’ll be time over Thanksgiving to broach the subject, but I keep hearing from parents who have been through this that all this probably means he’s settling in well. (Rats.)</p>
<h1>3 child a freshman this year…barely any phone calls to mom :(. Last week, as fall break was approaching, he called twice, two days in a row!! Woo woo! I guess he was getting ready for re-entry to the nest!!!</h1>
<p>S2 (the one who called once in the first 6 weeks of school) returned to college yesterday after his weekend Fall break. He stayed out with friends until all hours the whole time. We saw very little of him. Dumb me…why would I think it would be any different? </p>
<p>So yesterday he gave a me a hug, and jumped in the car for the four hour trip back to sch. . As he was pulling out of the driveway, I yelled out that he should think about calling every week or so. His friend laughed and S2 made no reply except a wave and “see you at Thanksgiving”.</p>
<p>I’ll have to say, I’m not shocked. S1 ( a sr) has always treated us in a similar fashion ( as he did this past weekend) when home on break.
So parents of freshman who don’t call…it’s not that much better in person. It is good to see them though (as they fly out the door).</p>
<p>How many more weeks til Thanksgiving?</p>
<p>My son is a sophomore. When he first went away, he tried to act “very independant” and didn’t call that much. But after awhile, many times when he had a long distance to walk (and didn’t have someone to walk with), he’d call just to ask “what’s going on at home” or to tell me about a good grade that he just got or a difficult test that he just took. </p>
<p>At first I thought it was a bit odd, but then I read somewhere that a campus survey was done on several campuses and the survey revealed that usually when you see a college kid walking across campus talking on the phone, he/she is usually talking to a parent (I guess they “text” their friends, bf’s and gf’s)</p>