<p>It is not being a helicopter parent to try to get together with your son when in the area. Can you imagine being a stones throw away from any other family member and not giving them a call? Why are we as parents so nervous about staying in touch with our college aged kids? I must be in the minority, but I think it is imperative to stay in touch often so the adult relationship can get off to a strong start. Besides, if I want my kid to meet me for lunch once in a blue moon and he isn’t at class or something really important, then he darn well should meet me for lunch because he loves me and knows it would make me happy. And that’s what we do for each other in families… we strive to make one another happy, especially when all it takes is a phone call or getting together for an hour. Sometimes, it is fine for kids this age to learn that we put family members ahead of other activities. And we fulfill that obligation with a smile on our face and love in our hearts. Just like we parents did when we attended so many things with or children while they were growing up. Besides, college kids love free food that does not come from the school dining hall!</p>
<p>I have the opposite. S used to call at least once a day while in college 3000 miles away. Mostly, he called while walking to his next class. Now he’s graduated and working 350 miles away, he still calls, while he drives home from work. It’s great for him to check in, even for 3 minutes or less.</p>
<p>Meanwhile my D never initiated any calls from her freshman year. When we dropped her off at college, she told us not to call her for a week because she would be busy. This behavior of not wanting to get in touch with her family continues to this day and she is in grad school now. When she initiates calls, it’s usually because she needs something. The most annoying thing is that she doesn’t even pick up our calls, every time it goes to voicemail. Plus, it may be a few days before she calls back. I no longer call her now, just wait for her to call. I share Helenback’s sentiments regarding my D.</p>
<p>cbreeze, you might try text messaging. I know my d. never, ever listens to her voicemail. Usually she just looks at missed calls and returns my call when convenient–but sometimes if another call has come in, she doesn’t see my missed call. She always sees the text message.</p>
<p>mkm56, I have tried texting, but it is a hit or miss. Once in a while she responds when I include “at least you can text back”. But often nada. When I email, I only include brief ones that I can type in the subject bar because I know she won’t open and read the rest.
Whenever she is home we always bring up this subject of not returning calls, she always says she will do better, but after a few days away, she’s back at her old habits.
Just wish this didn’t bother me so much.</p>
<p>Last night my S who is traveling on business called up, my H and I spoke with him for an hour. He may have been lonely in his hotel room.</p>
<p>My S is now a sophomore and what a difference the year has made. During freshmen year, he did not call as often as I would have liked in the beginning. He was trying to adjust on his own and we were trying to get used to the empty nest. This year we are talking much more and he is very open to what is going on both academically and socially.</p>
<p>Bessie said,“Why are we as parents so nervous about staying in touch with our college aged kids?” Very well put! I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m nervous because I’m afraid if I’m demanding of his attention he’ll just run screaming in the other direction. I think it’s just trepidation in this new territory. You sound very much like my friend who is on her third son at college because she’s also very pragmatic about the whole thing. She tells her sons they must call home on Sunday and that’s it, end of story. She doesn’t e-mail or text so phone is the only contact option. </p>
<p>I guess you could call it a balance of power shift, and part of me thinks he’s just asserting his right to be lacksadaisical about communication. I certainly didn’t tolerate it if he didn’t answer my calls and texts when he was in high school, but those communications were specific about curfews and plans. These contacts now involve more open-ended questions and there’s a lot more information to be shared when you don’t see each other for weeks on end. </p>
<p>The bottom line? I don’t like that feeling of not knowing if he wants to hear from me so it makes me hesitant to call. I know I’m the parent and it’s not my job to be his friend or to even be liked all the time, but it makes me feel like a jerk if I send a text or an e-mail that goes unanswered, and to keep chasing him makes me feel a little pathetic. I feel a lot better since I decided to just wait until I hear from him. </p>
<p>That said, it’s not in my nature to let go of a slight like ignoring a package. I’m just going to make sure he knows that people that don’t express gratitude tend to not get brownies in the mail. </p>
<p>Also, I’m thinking of letting the air out of his tires and selling all his dvds.</p>
<p>I suppose this is all part of the normal process of separation for many families (we miss our kids and wonder how they could possibly be happy without talking to us as much…kids exploring a brand new world without parents being as visible…). Fly, little birdies, fly.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I think parents detach more slowly and maintain a closer connection when we can both share our lives…so if my kids want care packages, magazine subscriptions, hoodies that they left home, Netflix subscriptions, money, Starbucks gift card, prescription refills, more money, etc., they better reciprocate and ensure that I’m feeling warm and loving towards them… Positive reinforcement (calls) get treats. (Per Pavlov, however, the treats are intermittent to obtain the strongest training connection/benefit…my kids never know which call will elicit goodies, but they know that no calls = no treats). Our family is finally at the point where I get Sunday calls from each of my college kids, but it was a long training process with a little whining on both sides. </p>
<p>Geez, I hope my kids don’t read my postings…</p>
<p>BTW, after freshman year, you don’t feel like you are hovering so much, since they are settled into their niche.</p>
<p>Now, we IM a lot more, and talk on the phone every Wednesday night, so it doesn’t feel like we are checking up on him.</p>
<p>Bessie said: I must be in the minority, but I think it is imperative to stay in touch often so the adult relationship can get off to a strong start. </p>
<p>I think that is real wisdom! You know, I am not always thrilled when one of our mothers calls - they need cheering up, I’m busy, etc - but that’s life. Maintaining relationships is part of being an adult.</p>
<p>Now, I know that’s easy for me to say, I’ve got a really communicative son, but I don’t think the next son is going to be that way at all. Well, I’m going to call whether he likes it or not - not way too often and not for so long it’s a burden, but call anyway. At least I sure hope so :-)</p>
<p>Text messaging works like a dream with my sons.</p>
<p>I post a blurb about a family member, something they need to remember - like requesting absentee ballots, or things like that. I might hear back something trivial or funny from them in a text and then later, they will IM or call.</p>
<p>I don’t usually initiate phone calls, unless it is super important. I find they are busy and would rather make the phone call when convenient. It is funny when they leave a message and we aren’t at home. They seem shocked that we weren’t waiting by the phone for their calls!</p>
<p>I did hear from my freshman s yesterday–though he admitted my husband had texted to remind him of my birthday. He said last week was the busiest week he’d ever experienced in his life. I’m glad I ignored my impulse to call and complain about his lack of communication. When I don’t hear from him I tend to form a mental picture that involves him lounging on the grass, playing frisbee etc. I guess I should remember that he does have actual scholastic demands on his time. I can’t feel too sorry for him though because he chose the class that consumes so much time–Cartography–simply because it allowed him to have a schedule with no Friday classes. Lesson learned? Probably not. :)</p>
<p>S2 is now here for fall break - about 24 more hrs to go before he has to catch a plane back. We picked him up late Friday evening and on the long drive home he was more talkative than he was during 4 yrs of hs. As I suspected, he has spent most of his time sleeping - 2 ten+ hour nights plus 2 extra naps. But there is music in the house again, and it is heaven.</p>
<p>“Bessie said,“Why are we as parents so nervous about staying in touch with our college aged kids?” Very well put! I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m nervous because I’m afraid if I’m demanding of his attention he’ll just run screaming in the other direction. I think it’s just trepidation in this new territory. You sound very much like my friend who is on her third son at college because she’s also very pragmatic about the whole thing. She tells her sons they must call home on Sunday and that’s it, end of story. She doesn’t e-mail or text so phone is the only contact option.”</p>
<p>Demanding his attention is the wrong way to go. If you have a spouse, you don’t call during the day for frivolous things all the time as they have work to do. It’s the same thing with your student. They are free to say “I’m busy and I’ll get back to you.” Students have to learn to say no to many things and manage their time efficiently.</p>
<p>S2 called yesterday unsolicited. Maybe that tongue-in-cheek email worked after all. The conversation was short & not very informative, but I’m not complaining…at least we heard from him & know he’s alive and well.
S1 is bending over backwards the other way. He’s always called on a regular basis, but probably because he’s heard us complain about younger brother not calling us, he called at 10:50 last night to apologize for not calling us earlier in the evening since he was preoccupied watching the Red Sox game and promised to call tonight at a reasonable hour. He had already warned us he might not call Sunday night & we were very aware anyway he wouldn’t call during the baseball game, so his call wasn’t necessary but it was a very considerate thing to do.</p>
<p>Getting an adult relationship with your children off the ground usually involves giving them space to navigate their new lives. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE hearing from my two college kids. Now that D is a senior, she keeps in touch more. I think she had to learn to function without me before she could find her way back. Where I used to hear once every week or two, she has now designated Sunday afternoons at 2 as “our” time on the phone. S is a freshman and once again, I am back to every week or two with him. He texts more, which wasn’t an option when D was a freshman.</p>
<p>Just had a five minute IM chat with my son. Last year in the Fall semester, we always had an IM chat after his morning classes. Those faded in the Spring. Now we just have them when he has the time. Lunch, tutoring and afternoon classes are higher priority.</p>
<p>Mizzou-mom, I think the same thing is happening with my son–needing to find his own space and navigate through this big change. It is a much bigger change for them than it is for us. I just came across some of my letters home from college during freshman year, back when we mostly wrote letters. (Ugh–I wish my mother hadn’t saved them, because I sound shallow and immature, but oh well.) Clearly that’s what I was doing–figuring out how to handle things on my own. Though I was making friends and having a great time–and studying on the side–it was not easy to be away from home and in a very different environment. It was a real roller coaster–happy and busy one moment, then lonely the next. I feel a lot more empathy for my son in this transition time after reading my own letters. I just want to give him a big hug and say, We’re here for you. Call when you feel like talking.</p>
<p>Geezermom, I also think it is different when they are so far away like yours and one of mine are. They really do have to learn to make a new life, take care of business, move on because they are truly on their own and can’t just come home for the weekend if they are feeling down. They really have no “backup plan” if they are having a bad day. Then need to create their own support groups where they are and learn to deal.</p>
<p>Very true, mizzou-mom. I sent him an e-mail today inviting him to call, and for the first time I’m thinking about him, not me. I won’t be hurt if he doesn’t call–that’s a change for me. When we shift over to focusing on what they might need–or not need–in terms of parental support during this time, it’s a different ballgame. Now that he’s been gone for six weeks, I feel a little better able to do that.</p>
<p>My mother did not do well with any of us leaving home, ever. I/we spent a lot of time reassuring her that we were just fine. Meanwhile, our own needs as young adults went kind of unmet. It was a wake-up call for me to revisit that period through my freshman letters, however embarrassing they might be (could I just go back in time and not be so ga-ga over meeting the guy who later became my first husband?).</p>
<p>So, back on-topic: maybe we’re all just going through a natural progression of feelings as parents. My answer to this thread topic has been: not nearly enough! Now I’m beginning to think it’s okay for him to establish his own rules.</p>
<p>I also love the post about giving our children the space to create an adult relationship. My 3 kids are all different. D1 is out of college, lives across the state and still calls in daily–sometimes twice a day(she is a pharma rep). S1 is a senior, goes to college in our hometown, but lives out of the house. He calls or texts pretty often to see if we are home and stops by twice a week for dinner or to study in a quiet place before a test. It’s really nice. S2 is a freshman and never calls home and sometimes makes me a little crazy. I do realize that he is very busy and extremely happy. The first of the month is money time(and it’s the 7th already) and we told him that it is his responsibility to let us know when his account gets to a certain level. If he bounces a check or has any fees charges to his account, that amount will be deducted from the next deposit. I have been resisting the urge to call him. I figure, if he wants money, he can call me. But, I am dying to talk to him!</p>