<p>Hi, Well summer break is a few weeks away and I am trying to prepare for a smooth transition. My daughter has changed so much her freshman year. Living far away from home for the first time has made her independent and that is great. However, I am not sure what that is going to mean for me this summer. We used to be very close, and let me just say she has succcessfully cut the apron stirngs! Do I still impose curfews? Do I have any say in where she goes, or with whom? Can I tell her to pick up her room or help with the chores? My parenting needs to shift, I know. I am just not sure how to go about that. Any suggestions from parents who have been through this before? I want to grow along with my daughter and move the relationship in the right direction.</p>
<p>Well, my first thought is that if you are asking yourself these kinds of questions, you are probably going to do just fine.</p>
<p>That whole transition was much more dramatic than with my boys. It really made me think back to my relationship with my own mother. I think it was on pause during college and we became close again later. </p>
<p>In my house everyone must keep their rooms picked up and share in the chores. I don’t have a lot of other rules or curfews though.</p>
<p>That first summer when DD came home very independent and no longer needing a mom I tried to have a dinner alone with her every week. Week night of course, no messing with their weekends!</p>
<p>Be brave, it’ll be fine!</p>
<p>I live with my parents during breaks and summers. We pretty much pick up right where we left off after I graduated from high school but they’re a little more lax as I get older. For example, they still appreciate it when I tell them where I’m going and occasionally ask with whom, but since they don’t know my friends now that’s pretty much worthless. They like it when I go to church with them on Sundays, when I help around the house (which I usually do willingly, besides the dishes), and when I spend time with them.</p>
<p>For the most part we just go with the flow and see what happens. It’s not like there are tons of really strict, set rules in my house…but then again, there weren’t many hard and fast rules while I was in high school either.</p>
<p>I definitely don’t think it’s out of the question for you to ask her to let you know where she’s going and when she estimates she’ll be back. Since she’s living in your house it’s not out of the question for her to help around there too, but she probably did that anyway. </p>
<p>Seems like your daughter’s grown up and matured a lot her first year away. Congratulations on successfully raising her! I’m sure you two will strike a nice balance when it comes to rules and the like during the summer. Enjoy summers you have with her–I’m realizing that my summer breaks are winding down and my time with my parents is getting shorter and shorter, which is definitely a little bittersweet.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I agree with all the other posters that say it’s great if you can have a dialog with your child & figure out what works for both of you. </p>
<p>S has always been a bit secretive/private. He has spent so much time home that he relishes being able to just leave when he feels like it. I do remind him to give us an estimate as to when to expect him back & he generally does so (better 2nd year than after 1st year). I don’t know many of his friends or acquaintances, so he doesn’t often let me know whom he’s going out with either.</p>
<p>With D, we’ve spent a lot more time chatting together & I’ve done a lot more driving for her & her friends, so I do know them better and she does let me know where she’s going, with whom and estimated time of return. I’m not sure how that will change now that she’s been away for a few months in LA. Since she still doesn’t have her driver’s license & many of her friends don’t have cars, I think I’ll still do a good amount of driving her, which I really don’t mind anyway. We do have a lot of “chat” time while driving that we both enjoy.</p>
<p>We’ve always given our kids a lot of freedom and flexibility but ask that they give us estimated times of return so we can make plans and not be waiting and worrying about them. They are pretty good at remembering. I have never actually given either kid a curfew but they have always been responsible and reasonable. It helps that we have always really liked the friends & families of everyone they’ve been close to (even tho we don’t know as many of S’s newer friends).</p>
<p>Lots of threads about this in the past. Seems like everyone sort of agreed that you don’t impose curfews, you treat the young adult like an adult in your home. That means that they tell you if they will or won’t be home for dinner, when they expect to be home in the evening, they pick up the public areas of the home so that others may enjoy them, they assist with household tasks but without you controlling which ones or nagging about them.
I have to admit, DS has been gone three years and his program is such that he only came home for the whole summer the first year. During that year he worked a construction job and was only home on the weekends. He worked so physically hard during the week that I pretty much let him sleep and eat on the weekends.</p>
<p>I love my daughter dearly, but having her home for the summer (or even Christmas break) is a total disruption that unnerves me. The first few days are great, but then reality set in, and I cannot wait for her to go back to school. It is kind of like having a guest who stays too long, except that they are no guest. </p>
<p>And when she is gone, I miss her and look forward to her coming home again. And then it begins all over again. That’s life!!!</p>
<p>I have thought about this a bit as my son is graduating high school and the pre-college summer “Im an adult” summer is upon us. Luckily, he is a responsible and non-partying kind of kid.</p>
<p>I have decided that if he comes home next summer he won’t have curfews and he will be treated like and adult BUT not a guest. So, since we divide up household chores, he will have his share of the regular chores and I expect the courtesy of knowing when to expect him home for dinner, the evening, etc (because I would worry if he stayed out all night and didn’t let me know) but he will be free to live his life.</p>
<p>Here’s what I suggest: Expect of her the same that you’d expect of adults who were longterm guests.</p>
<p>No curfew, but expect her out of courtesy and for safety reasons to let you know where she’s going and when she’ll be back. If she’ll be back much later than she’d told you, ask her to give you a call so you won’t worry.</p>
<p>Room: You wouldn’t nag adult guests to pick up their room, so don’t do that with her. Do, however, expect that she wouldn’t do things in her room that would cause problems with the rest of the house. No eating food, leaving stinky things around, etc. Expect that when she returns to school, her room is clean – bed changed, etc. so that if you had guests the next day, they could sleep there without your having to clean it.</p>
<p>Expect that if she won’t be home for dinner, to let you know.</p>
<p>Expect her to do household chores because as a longterm guest, it’s normal to pitch in. She also should be completely responsible for her laundry. If her methods aren’t yours, just politely ignore that just like you would ignore a guest’s not following your system.</p>
<p>Expect that when she comes home at first, she may spend a lot of time resting or visiting with friends. Do not overwhelm her with questions and with your (understandable ) urge to have long bonding experiences. If she – as is the case with probably most students – spends more time at first being alone or with her friends don’t take it as a personal rejection. See if you can build in something – with her agreement – that’s fun for you to do together – a lunch together, a shopping trip, having manicures at the same time or something similar, and then try not to deluge her with questions, but let her open up at her own pace.</p>
<p>Approach her about these guidelines with a mind open to her suggestions. Let her know as you told us that you want to move the relationship along to reflect her maturity and independence.</p>
<p>My D1 has always been very considerate - letting us know of her coming and going, always tried hard to see us in the evenings because we work (she’ll try to see her friends for lunch, or go out after our dinner). She rarely stayed out late on weeknights, so she didn’t disrupt us. So far so good…</p>
<p>This summer’s dynamic is going to be different. She now has a boyfriend who is going to be working in NYC. They will want to see each other. There will be issues with if she should be allowed (I know it’s a strange word to use) to stay over? My H is not approving it. The BF probably will want to come visit on weekends, how often before it starts to disrupt the dynamic of our family. This is the first time for us, haven’t really thought it through. Don’t mean to hijack the thread, but if anyone has any insight or past experience care to share with me, I am all ears.</p>
<p>This is all helpful advice and has gone a long way to curb my anxiety. If I can readjust, I think it all sounds rather pleasant.</p>
<p>oldfort, I would say if she goes to visit BF you don’t “allow” or control whether or not she spends the night. However, if BF comes to visit you and stays over you are not obligated to have them share a room. In my house it would be separate rooms for unmarried couples.</p>
<p>Oh, in the fall I was filled with despair that my s was gone, and now it’s spring and I’m kind of dreading him coming home. Don’t get me wrong–he’s terrific. He’s funny and smart and kind, but it was incredibly disruptive having him here during spring break and Christmas. I think he tries to be considerate but we do not have a house where I can shut my bedroom door and not hear a thing. I even tried running a fan last summer but I have two younger boys so I am just naturally aware of movement in the house during the night. </p>
<p>I mentioned to him at Easter that I thought we should come up with a plan we could both live with for the summer. I said that because we live in a small neighborhood with only one outlet, we’re not used to traffic noise, so those 2 am visits from friends need to be scaled back. We’re not used to car doors slamming and talking in the street at 4am, so while it’s perfectly innocent that they feel like getting tacos after watching a movie, it’s really irritating to the rest of us. </p>
<p>That’s it–it’s the nocturnal stuff that drives me nuts. I don’t care if he keeps his room clean, or any of that stuff, but I’ve got to get a decent night’s sleep. :)</p>
<p>So tell me what you think of this plan:</p>
<p>I’d like to say that 1AM is the cutoff–nobody in our out after that. If guys are here and they’re sleeping over, fine, but if not they need to be out no later than 1. If ds is out and about, he needs to call by 12:30 to let me know if he’s not going to sleep at home, or if he won’t be home by 1. </p>
<p>What about the sleepover thing? I had guys sleeping in my basement several times a week last year, but isn’t college one big sleepover? I think since they get to do that all year long, maybe not so much in the summer. I encouraged it in high school because I didn’t want them out driving late and I always knew where they were, but my s is a non-drinker, and some of his high school friends have become real partiers and I don’t want to be responsible for them. </p>
<p>Thoughts??? Suggestions???</p>
<p>I was just thinking that we’re the lucky ones just because our kids ARE coming home. It seems like I’ve read many more posts about kids heading off somewhere or staying put at college during the summer.</p>
<p>wolfpackmom - my feelings exactly. My DD is a great kid, she doesn’t stay out late, she isn’t overly messy - BUT - she is in a transitional phase; no longer a child, but not yet an adult. We are great together shopping, going to lunch, watching movies, etc., but when she is home she still wants me to “mother” her. I don’t mind doing that for awhile, but I also have elderly parents/MIL who want me too, so I do get a little weary.</p>
<p>So - short visits work out VERY well. We refresh each other. Fortunately, this summer she has a internship lined up so I think we can just enjoy one another.</p>
<p>To the Op: Are you kidding? If I, as an independent adult come to your home to stay free, must I respect a curfew? Must I pick up the room? Will you cook and clean and provide a room for me, and still permit me to come and go as I please for free? An adult pays his way. Seriously? You have to think about that from a student? Unless I am hiring the room for cash(like a hotel) and room clean-up is included in the price, then yes.
Student is no longer a child that you must care for. Now student is a young adult that you WANT to care for. In order for student to get free services such as room and board they must now pay- not in cash, but in the form of cleaning after themselves, and other courtesies/respect the head of the household wants. Student wants to use the “treat me like an adult”? ( I did, my S did) an adult cannot come and go as they please for free. The cost for student may not be cash, but following house rules. That IS being treated like an adult. When they are sefl supporting, they make their own rules in their own household. That’s how it works for adults.
Student is at a crossroads- not a 10 yr old child, but not a self supporting adult either. At 18, the students’ free ride is over. Parent is no longer obligated to do for the student. Now, parent wants to do for the student, but anything the parent does is a gift. Different expectations for a child of 10 than for a student of 18, 19, or more. Those at the crossroads often think <em>go anywhere, arrive anytime, eat free, sleep free, no restrictions, etc</em> is adult. I’m 51 in my own home- I can’t do that. I have to respect my wife, help pay for groceries, gas, lights, mortgage, and many more things. 10 yr olds get their stuff free, adults pay for their stuff.</p>
<p>Very well said! That’s sort of what I wanted to articulate to my son–that being an adult really isn’t about freedom, it’s about responsibility. I think last summer I was unconsciously lenient because I wanted him to WANT to come back after he was away at school. Now I’m not so worried about that. I’ll be very happy to see him, but not for very long if he’s disrupting my sleep.</p>
<p>My husband said to our D1 last summer, “If you thought you’ve checked into a B&B, you are at the wrong place.”</p>
<p>What OldFort’s H said or similar (could/should be printed in nice caligraphy via the computer or your artwork) & tape it to his bedroom door.</p>
<p>There is no excuse for our kids causing the household to lose sleep with their antics–they need to figure out how to adapt to where they are–it’s important for when they are in the “wider world” as well, so they can be considerate room mates, neighbors, friends, sweethearts, spouses, etc.</p>
<p>S1 is coming home tomorrow after his 3rd year. Poetsmom, I can remember wondering about exactly the same things. I think that you’ll know the right thing to do as you start living together again this summer. In my own case, I feel within my rights asking with whom and where he is going but not to veto any plans or people, although in all his 21 years he hasn’t very often chosen inappropriately. I don’t impose a curfew, but I do ask and always have since he started driving, to call when he is leaving to come home.</p>
<p>When he first comes home all he seems to want to do is sleep. Just let them have their own space; don’t over-schedule family events, but it’s fair to expect a certain degree of participation, you know what is appropriate for your family.</p>
<p>So they sleep and then they want to touch base with ‘home friends’. Helenback, I’m wondering if you might be pleasantly surprised by how much kids mature between each year of college. I found a world of difference between each summer myself. However, if those wild partiers haven’t quite made the leap, perhaps your son won’t be quite as interested in them, anyways. If not, then I think your is plan is well thought-out and good luck with it. You shouldn’t have to live with people banging in and out at all hours of the night.</p>
<p>As for chores, I definitely expect full co-operation with say, cleaning up after a dinner I have prepared, keeping their own bathroom clean, picking up their stuff in common areas; all things you would expect of adult responsible guests.</p>
<p>All that said, I’m really looking forward to him returning. This is S2’s last summer before shipping off to college himself in the fall, so I’m going to enjoy my family this summer. Maybe ask me in July if I’m still feeling like this!</p>