<p>My son is home for summer with a job where he works with electricity and climbs on ladders and lifts sometimes 35+ feet up.</p>
<p>He is a social butterfly and thinks he can run on an hour sleep and work all day, lather, rinse, repeat.</p>
<p>His father and I told him that he had to be home before 10pm on work nights because he has to be up and out before 7am (again a risky job). On weekends, it’s 11pm, but we live in an area where he has to drive past two bars and several risky areas to get home. His alternative, to spend the night in town with friends. In other words, home by 11 or find a place to crash.</p>
<p>Lately, he’s been caught lying to us about why he can’t get home on time during the week. He’s been oversleeping and being late to work. He also nearly fell off a lift due to being “sleepy”.</p>
<p>We’ve cracked down on him until Sunday, essentially grounding him, till his father gets home from a business trip so we can have a family meeting. NOW all his friends are calling us and complaining that it’s none of our business and all that since he’s 19. </p>
<p>How would you handle this and what would you do? He’s not really a “bad” kid, but he feels that his social life supersedes his (and his co-workers’) safety at work and I feel that is completely irresponsible. I also have told all his friends to “stay out of it” and have had to take his cell away due to this turning into “their” business.</p>
<p>I am an employer who hires for similar jobs. Our son worked for our company one summer. He was exhausted at the end of every day and didn’t go out at night by his own choice…(this is a kid who is a gym rat).<br>
What has been the response of his employer when he is late for work? What happened when he fell off the lift?<br>
Given that he is 19 years old you cannot control his daily life but I would sit down and have a serious talk with him. Express your concern both for his safety and that of his co-workers. I would have no hesitation about telling his friends who were calling me to mind their own business. I would not take his cel away. I don’t understand the rationale there…</p>
<p>This is a tough one as I am having compliance issues with my 19 year old rising college sophomore, also. </p>
<p>I am not one to compromise on issues of safety and as his parents you know best and your instincts are probably correct. That being said, there is often little a parent can say, but plenty you can do, to convince a stubborn, know-it-all (at least mine is) that you in fact know best and you may need to get tough and put your foot down about it. If you cannot reason with him it is probably because he lacks the maturity to even understand where you are coming from.</p>
<p>If you decide to lay down the law by grounding him, taking his car, etc., I would make sure to really mean what you say and do not back down. </p>
<p>Trust your parental intuition, it is usually right on. I wish you the best.</p>
<p>I took his cell so that his friends couldn’t keep calling and egging it on between him and me. He has it with him at work today, but if it rings off the hook again tonight with incendiary calls, I’ll take it again.</p>
<p>When he was late to work and the incident with the lift happened, the boss was off site. I don’t know what may have been said. I only found out about it when one of son’s friends “ratted him out” by teasing him about it over our dinner table thinking we knew.</p>
<p>I agree that we need to discuss workplace safety. That is why I am insisting his dad be here for that conversation as well, plus we’ll all be on the same page. </p>
<p>I just feel that if a 19 year old isn’t responsible enough to put workplace safety first, then we need to step in. I just don’t want to go overboard, I guess. Essentially, we are pretty strict on his hours just for safety reasons, but his friends are all able to do whatever, whenever, wherever, with whomever, and I just can’t get on board with that. Of course, his friends have no jobs and don’t drive the family car.</p>
<p>This advice probably will go over like a lead balloon, but my response as a parent would be to not accept that behavior and tell him to move out. He is of adult age and believes he does not need to follow any family rules - yet wants to freeload off the parents. I would simply say that I was <em>not</em> going to subsidize or support his <em>dangerous</em> behaviors. </p>
<p>It doesn’t mean he’d get any more sleep before going to work, but it would send the message loud and clear that his behavior is so obnoxious, so reckless, so unacceptable that he just got kicked out of the house. Granted, it may take a few years for him to connect the dots, but that is the stance this parent would take.</p>
<p>“This advice probably will go over like a lead balloon, but my response as a parent would be to not accept that behavior and tell him to move out. He is of adult age and believes he does not need to follow any family rules - yet wants to freeload off the parents. I would simply say that I was <em>not</em> going to subsidize or support his <em>dangerous</em> behaviors.”</p>
<p>I agree with this. While I empathize with your concern for your son’s safety, I think it’s a waste of time to try to control the behaviors of adult offspring. Since your son won’t follow the house rules, then it’s time for him to move out.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, if he continues to be late to work, he’ll probably be fired – a natural consequence and a consequence that would be a good one.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, his plans to crash with friends if he can’t make it home by 11 make sense to me.</p>
<p>I can’t believe his friends are calling you. That seems like bizarre behavior. </p>
<p>On your end, I think what you’re doing is reasonable. Yes, he’s 18, but he’s chosen to live at home this summer and he chose a job that requires each person to be responsible for another person’s safety. Just like you wouldn’t let your son drive drunk no matter how old he is, you’re not willing to let him go to work tired. When you get behidn the wheel, you’re not just responsible for yourself, you are responsible for how your behavior affects other people on the job. Same if you are working on powerlines, fighting fires, etc etc etc. I wouldn’t knowingly let a stranger drive drunk if it was in my power to stop it, much less my child. It endangers them and others. </p>
<p>So I think you’re doing the right thing, whether your son will listen to you is another matter entirely, but at least in protesting his risky behavior you are making a good choice. He is making some immature choices, not unexpected for a 19 year old, but that is why God put parents on this Earth, so kids could have some check on their natural impulses to think they are invincible and that their actions bear consequences only for them, not for others. </p>
<p>Sit down, talk about it with your son. Explain that while you understand he is a legal adult now, even adults don’t get to do whatever they want without consequences. He has more freedom, but he also has a lot of responsibility, to himself and to the people he works with, and frankly, a little responsiblity to his parents to act like the mature, responsible person they raised him to be.</p>
<p>wow. what a tough one. i essentially agree with posters above, though i confess i thought about it a little differently. it seems to me your son is doing what many (and from what i hear, most) rising sophomores do when they come home after being emancipated for a year, but with the difference that he’s putting his own and others’ lives at risk. to me, though, the concern over his safety trumps the discipline question (and i realize they’re by no means unrelated, though i guess it’s a matter of how the question is framed). </p>
<p>what do you think about offering him a choice: either he keeps more regular hours (getting the sleep he needs, etc) or he finds a different summer job (busboy, clerk, whatever) where the stakes are not so high? give him the choice and then respect whatever decision he makes. that way, rather than coming down as disciplinarian, you can talk from the love and concern you feel for him (and again, i know that as parents our jobs as disciplinarians are a function of that same love and concern, but i think an 18 or 19 year old is more likely to respond better to concern than to discipline, esp after having spent a year away and feeling like he is an adult). </p>
<p>i don’t know that i’d go with the move out ultimatum, though i agree in principle with annika and NSM on not subsidizing or supporting dangerous behavior. perhaps some will think i’m being too soft (and i probably lean that way), but i knew a 20 yr. old (way back when) who had a sad, terrible accident working for an elec company, so yr post struck a chord. anyway, sorry to ramble. good luck and hugs.</p>
<p>last but not least, i don’t know that taking the phone away is a good solution, but i don’t know the dynamics of yr family well enough (in our family, it would backfire).</p>
<p>I agree that he needs to sleep more during the week for safety reasons. But an 11 pm weekend curfew is an early curfew for a high school senior - it’s way too early for someone who has been at college for a year. </p>
<p>Frankly a 19 year old shouldn’t have a curfew. What he should have is enough common sense to come home during the week so he can get some sleep and not kill himself (literally) at work. On the weekends he should be courteous enough to let you know when to expect him home and call if he’s gonna be real late.</p>
<p>I think a hard “curfew” of 10 pm on weeknights and 11 pm on weekends may be contributing to him rebelling. It’s one thing to think, “I should get home and get some sleep or I’m gonna be exhausted at work,” and find your way home at 10:30 or 11. It’s another to think, “Mom wants me home at 10? That’s not gonna happen. And since I’m gonna get in trouble anyway, I may as well make it worthwhile and stay out later.” In other words, if you treat him like a kid he’s going to act like one.</p>
<p>My curfew was nonexistent because I can’t drive and thus it was never an issue, but my sister’s curfew is far earlier – think 7 or 8. There is no reason that people should not be back at home by 11 unless they are staying the night somewhere or doing something like celebrating New Year’s, which obviously would require them to be out until midnight.</p>
<p>Normally, I would say let him be an adult (and that may mean telling him that his lifestyle is incompatible with staying in your home and thus having him make that choice), but here the safety issue is the trump card. It doesn’t matter if he is your child or someone you just met – if there is a safety concern to himself or others, that needs to be addressed.</p>
<p>I have 2 daughters, one just graduated from college and the other will be a junior. The oldest came home after her freshman year but that was the last time she came home in the summer. She found a part time job in the state where her college was and is now pretty much living there permanently. Our younger daughter came home after her freshman year but this summer she is still at college, away from home doing a summer session. She has lived off campus in an apt. since last fall. When both girls were home after their freshman year they did not have curfews. They had lived on their own for almost a year and we considered them adults. But if they were going to be very late we insisted that they call us of curtesy and consideration for their worry wart mother. They were always in touch by cell phone and would let us know if they were staying with friends. They really appreciated us trusting them and treating them like adults. They both had jobs but nothing like your sons where safety was a real issue. But they were driving to work and had to be responsible.</p>
<p>I would let your son make his own bed and sleep in it. He needs to learn how to be a responsible adult. It is unreasonable to set such an early curfew since he is an adult. He must do that on his own. This first summer home after being away is a very fun and social time for many. If he over sleeps and misses work he will be fired and he will have learned a good lesson all on his own. I know you are concerned for his safety and that of others but you need to let him own that responsibility or perhaps at this point in his life he should have a less dangerous job with a later start time. Good luck to you. It’s definitely a tough one, making the transition from them being our kids and them being adults living under our roof.</p>
<p>I agree with this in theory, but in this instance the kid apparently DOESN’T have enough common sense. And he’s endangering both himself and others at work. This being the case, I think it’s appropriate for the parents to step in and say, “No way. Here are the rules, since you aren’t responsible enough to get enough sleep on your own.”</p>
<p>I would require that he have a curfew that he has to arrive home by (no more “bunking with friends”, which he can lie about) and maybe threaten to contact his place of work and alert them to the fact that he’s getting next to no sleep.</p>
<p>My nearly 70 year old husband still has issues with not knowing that he needs sufficient sleep to function well. It was a major source of arguments when I was still working and he wanted to socialize on a work nite. The arguments picked up again when our son needed a good nite’s sleep before school. I agree with SmithieandProud that your situation is similar to drinking and driving; this is a safety issue, both his and others around him.</p>
<p>I also agree with Lafalum that an 11 pm curfew for the weekend is a bit stringent. Even 40 years ago at my rather restrictive college, freshman didn’t have a curfew until 12 or 1 on weekends.</p>
<p>I think taking a breather until Sunday and then having a family meeting is a good idea. What are you trying to accomplish? What is he trying to accomplish? You want your son to be safe and others around him to be safe. You also want him to be a functioning adult who makes wise decisions. I think he wants to show his independence and have fun with his friends. Can he do both while acting in a mature manner?</p>
<p>If you try to micro-manage your son’s life, you’ll lose and just end up being frustrated. If your son isn’t responsible enough to manage his job safely and responsibly, he has the wrong job. I would back off and I suspect he’ll be fired shortly. I know summer jobs are hard to come by (many of my kids friend’s have had trouble) but losing such a job and letting him live with the financial consequences is a much better life lesson. My S is working 100’s miles away and in plenty of dangerous situations. But, I don’t know about it until afterwards.</p>
<p>That is why I asked what the employer’s reaction has been. If I had an employee who showed up late and exhausted he or she would be gone in a heartbeat. Even when my own son worked for our company, I told the foreman if he wasn’t up to par he was gone.</p>
<p>My parents understand that I am an adult, and if I make poor decisions and loose my job, that is my mistake to make. You can’t control your kid. In college, kids routinely get by on less than 8 hours of sleep, less than 6 hours on a regular basis. If he’s late, he loses his job. You can’t force him to make decisions that you want him to make. A 10pm curfew for a 19 year old is unreasonable. I have to get up by 7 to work, my parents don’t instill a curfew. If I’m tired, too bad. If his work performance is suffering because of sleep deprivation, his boss will speak to him or fire him. Honestly, if my parents set a 11 pm curfew on the weekends, I would make up reasons to be late. 19 year olds don’t start going out until 9/10pm. Making such a restriction is going to hinder his ability to see his friends over break. My parents let me drive 2 1/2 to and back for a concert, and I worked the next day. I got back at 2. They are reasonable people, but they realize they can’t manipulate me into giving up my social life. I think you are being overprotective and unreasonable. I have never been around parents who made such restrictions. Honestly, you are probably just going to make him angry and he will question whether to come back home next summer. I know if my parents tried to control me like that, I would stay at school for the summer, and visit my friends on some weekends.</p>
<p>Yes . . . if it were just a case of the OP’s S being at risk of falling asleep in front of a computer, I’d say, “Let him make his own mistakes.” But he’s doing utilities work. That’s a dangerous business. His irresponsibility could kill himself or someone else on site. If he wants to be a party animal every night, this was not the job to pick.</p>
<p>In general, I believe that college-age kids shouldn’t have curfews and should be treated like adults. There are some courtesy and safety issues that transcend ages, however.</p>
<p>So, the way I try to untangle issues like this is to pretend the child is age 30 (or whatever age). How would you handle it if your 30-year-old son was staying out too late and endangering his (and others’) life? Or what if it was your husband doing it?</p>
<p>I also think the phone restriction doesn’t achieve what you want. It will not stop his friends from talking to him. If you don’t want to talk to his friends, don’t take their calls. His phone is not endangering his safety.</p>