Freshman taking medical leave - anxiety, chronic illness

Parents Forum
1

My son is a freshman out on the east coast. We are in the Midwest. He has a chronic illness which was well-managed, as well as mild anxiety. Long story short - he had a flare-up of his illness which triggered his anxiety and he missed a month of classes. He finally told me last week. We have told him that this is a bump in the road, a detour, and we support him in whatever he wants to do.

I flew out the same day, and together we went to the academic advisor and school therapist, who were very supportive. Told him he could withdraw/just focus on one class/take a medical leave. They could not have been more supportive. He decided to try and turn things around - but today he texted and said that he wants to take a break. We are going to do a medical leave.

I am beyond worried. Worried that he will lose his social connections(already he’d said that he hadn’t seen much of them lately, which is I’m sure because he’s withdrawing - he has struggled socially his whole life but has made friends in college) and that he’ll feel like a failure. Worried that he will become more depressed and anxious. He said he wants to return in January but I don’t know if he will be well enough. We actually were heartened by the fact that he wanted to stay, though of course my mamas instinct was to bring him home, and now that he’s decided to take a break - I’m not sure if I should be relieved or even more anxious.

He has set up an appointment with his local therapist and also connected with his former employer to pick up a few shifts while he’s back, so that’s a positive. He also told me he’s going to connect with the local cosplay group while he’s home.

I have barely eaten or slept since he called last week; please be mindful of that when you respond. I’m really hoping to hear from students or parents who have had health breaks in college, stories of hope. I’m struggling to get through the day as it is, and my husband is very anxious. We are not helping each other. Thank you.

7 Likes
2

I’m sorry, this is really tough.

My D19 took a semester’s medical leave of absence after her sophomore year. She had anxiety (was on meds) and the combination of the pandemic fallout and some other stuff going on just meant she was having a terrible time and her academics were suffering (badly - she was put on academic probation when she came back). She came home for a semester, got herself a job (working at a florist so it was semi-creative, which I think helped), but for a while she wasn’t sure whether she was going to go back. I can’t tell you exactly what all the things were that made her feel better enough to go back eventually, but she had pulled it all together, went back next semester (and made dean’s list every semester she was back after that).

I think this all sounds good, and similar to what my D did. I think keeping busy and keeping connected helped.

My D had obviously been at college longer than your son before her leave and probably had some more embedded social connections- though not a lot given how covid had interrupted her freshman year and then the social distancing once they were back for sophomore year made it really hard to meet new people. Most of her really good friends from college are the ones she met after her leave of absence.

I would say, it sounds like your son has thought this through properly and I would let him take the lead on this, and just support him the best you can, and see how he feels when it’s time to go back. It could be like our D, where a break and a reset is somehow all they need to get going again. Good luck.

2 Likes
3

My youngest took a medical withdrawal in October his freshman year of college (wasn’t a big surprise, fortunately I took out tuition insurance). He enrolled in a local university the next September, graduated in 4 years with honors. It worked out.

2 Likes
4

Just want to send some cyber hugs and support your way.

FWIW, it sounds like you are doing everything right with the medical leave and shoring your son up at home. We know so many young people who had to take a pause on schooling and then did just fine going back and launching into their careers. You are very far from alone.

I’m concerned though about what you said about you and your husband:

Parents here are a great sounding board but when I have felt this way myself, I have found some professional help was really helpful.

Again, lots of hugs!

1 Like
5

My kid had two medical leaves, the first midway through freshman year, and the second one two years later. She was at a college where freshman live in separate dorms; sophomores live in houses and during second half of freshman year, roommates and housing groups are formed for the following year. So when my kid went back in September, they didn’t really know anyone and had a random roommate. I admit it was difficult but after a month or so, they had a pretty comfortable group of friends.

My kid took 5 1/2 years to graduate because at some point (finally) they were given permission to take just 3 classes at a time. ( Financial aid was extended.) They watched their own class graduate, then another class, and finally graduated with a third class. At this point they were healthier thanks to accommodations, and thrived. They ended up making friends in all three classes, so we could think of it as a plus!

It was important to take care of health issues (kid has type 1 diabetes, epilepsy and a few other things- the seizures were much worse with rigorous academics). That is a priority of course, and also necessary for reentry. My kid’s college did an interview for that and requested records.

The other important thing, I think, is to make good use of the time out of school. Once the right seizure meds were found, I did not want my kid to sit around the house. They went to NYC to stay with a family friend, and did some creative work. For the second medical leave they found an internship on Craigslist, and wrote a director of an organization to intern there- both relevant to their career goals. These internships helped with getting into grad school and later with employment. Very positive overall.

These positives might not have been possible if they had returned in January. The extra time out gave time and space to deal with both health and finding valuable things to do. Maybe your son will be ready, but it is also okay if he is not.

The social angle of these disruptions can be considerable. However, I would say that these medical leaves are now a blip 15 years later- barely remembered.

I didn’t feel anxious about any of this (I was relieved) but over the years had plenty of stress and anxiety about the various challenges my kids have faced, and found a really good therapist to release steam from that particular pressure cooker. I think that seeking that sounding board for yourself will ultimately help your kid. I am hoping my post helps you see some positive possibilities in this situation.

ps It’s also good to evaluate fit at the current school, as well as assessing accommodations’ effectiveness. So glad the school is supportive.

4 Likes
6

I have a kid with anxiety and PTSD. We thought for sure that he was going to need to take a medical leave near the end of one semester, but he ended up switching meds which helped him get through the last few weeks. One of his roommates needed to take a medical leave for mental health reasons two different times. He came back to school both times once he felt better. Both have since graduated, manage their mental health well and have great jobs in their industries.

I also wanted to add that like you, I had a hard time functioning when my son was struggling. Zero appetite and practically a mini panic attack every time he called or texted. I found my own therapist which was really helpful, and also focused on self-care as much as I could. Get outside for even a 10 minute walk in fresh air, hydrate, try to get some calories in however you can. Be gentle with yourself and have faith that you will all get through this to the other side. Freshman year is hard, especially with a chronic illness and anxiety. The fact that he wanted to try to stay, then made a different decision and knew you’d support him is huge. It’s also really positive that he’s making plans for being back home with therapy and work shifts.

4 Likes
7

I think I should add that my youngest struggled in freshman year. I visited and found they had not attended a class that failed students after two absences. We worked it out with the dean, since kid was registered with Office of Disabilities for bipolar 1 and ADHD.

Same kid went back next September and within weeks called and said they wanted to come home. Refused medical leave, wanted to come home. Worked (work helped them) and did one or two community college classes for a bit, then entered an adult learner/degree completion program while continuing to work. They graduated at 32 and work in their field. As they say, it’s a marathon not a sprint. Life is flexible and can work out with detours.

2 Likes
8

Be a mama bear and take care of your kiddo, but remember, you can’t always talk care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

2 Likes
9

You did the right thing by bringing your kid home. Take things one day at a time.