Having trouble figuring out my housing situation with friends for next year.
There are four of us
Two of us already live together (in a triple with someone else who has plans to room with other friends next year)
The third friend practically lives with us, and along with me and the friend who is the roommate, we spend most of our time together in the dorm, studying, hanging out, eating, between classes, etc (she also does not get along with her own roommates)
Our fourth friend prefers to study alone and is really busy so we don’t spend as much time together, but she is still in our core friend group
Friend number four and I had actually considered rooming together before meeting in person (through facebook), but mutually agreed that this wouldn’t be a good idea because I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and she has a lot of anxiety in general and gets really stressed over everything
The three of us who spend a lot of time together want to share a room next year (we already know our living habits are cohesive), but this will mean leaving out our other friend, and if I were in that situation, I know I’d feel terrible; I’ve discussed this with our fourth friend, and she agrees. She does not want to be left out, and has changed her view that we should not live together, but I have not because I am too worried about the potential affect on my and her moods.
None of us, including the fourth friend, want to split into two dorms and have a stranger as the third in each, because two of us have already experienced that this year and it’s an awkward situation. We also cannot afford doubles or suites.
This is a bad situation regardless, and I have no idea what to do or how to find a solution where someone isn’t left feeling extremely hurt. Help??
Living with friends isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It is often best to live with someone you get along with, who isn’t necessarily your best buddy. But it seems like you are set on it, so on to your dilemma.
Four of you can’t afford a suite? I have to say, I think you are going to leave the fourth friend in the lurch and the likely result might be that your friendship will suffer. Then there are three of you, and three’s a crowd, right? It seems that the person guiding and making decisions is you. You are worried about the other friend stressing you out. That is selfish. It’s up to you to manage and control your stressors. Maybe I don’t understand anxiety, but I didn’t realize that anxiety is triggered by other people who might also be anxious. If the other friend spends a lot of time studying and you don’t see her as much anyway because she is busy, then maybe that is a good reason to have her in your group. It seems to me that she might be the one who keeps things balanced.
Does everyone know that you are anxious? Is your anxiety being treated? Imagine you are the fourth person and this situation was being discussed about you. What would you want? Food for thought.
You live in a triple and can’t afford anything bigger. If you already asked the 3rd friend to take the space left by the vacating roommate, I don’t know why you’d bring it up to the 4th friend. If you’ve already offered the 3rd friend the room, there’s nothing you can do except (a) let her room with your current roommate and a stranger while you room with the 4th friend and a stranger, or (b) tell the 4th as soon as possible that you’re not moving so she needs to keep whatever living arrangements she has now. What you shouldn’t do is leave friend #4 hanging because you feel guilty.
Yeah, I’m going to have to agree that you really don’t understand anxiety. I’ve been medicated for clinical depression for several years following a suicide attempt and psychiatric hospitalization, and from past experiences, I can firmly state that it is hard living with people in a similar state. The fourth friend knows this. This conversation has been going on between all four of us, because we are trying to figure out a solution that hadn’t been suggested.
Okay, depression and anxiety are not the same. You didn’t answer my question. Do the other friends know about your history? Are you still seeing a counselor? What does he or she suggest?
If your other friends don’t know, they are likely to find out. I think you should find a way to let them know if they don’t already. If they do know, and all three of you proceed as planned, then that is the decision. Fourth friend is left to find a roommate. I actually think it is in her best interest to do so.
I have both clincally diagnosed depression and an anxiety disorder. I have seen a counselor in the past but I do not anymore, and all of my friends are aware of this.
Perhaps the most fair and sensible solution to this would be for you to split into two groups of two and each find a third person to room with, though I know you said you don’t want to do that. Another solution would be to look into off campus housing that has more flexibility for four people to live together. (I.e. two bedroom apartment, two to a room).
It is not selfish to recognize one’s own anxiety triggers and avoid those triggers, even if the trigger is not another person. Realizing that this is likely to become a volatile situation is managing and controlling your stressors. And yes, two highly anxious people living together can potentially feed upon each other’s anxiety and exacerbate the situation. It’s good that the OP is realizing this up front.
Depression and anxiety are not the same, but they often co-occur and influence/amplify each other.
Either way, though, I think you all are blowing this way out of proportion. I’m gonna name your friends Anna (your roommate), Callie (the third friend who is always in your room) and Danielle (the fourth friend who stays alone a lot).
You don’t have to live with the people who are your friends. You can still be friends as long as you make the effort. So regardless of whether 2, 3, or all four of you live together, you can seek each other out and be friends. Look at it this way - you’re all friends now and you don’t all live together, right?
If it is “awkward” for the four of you to split up into two groups with a third roommate, likely it is the four of you that are making the situation awkward. For example, it seems like Callie is an issue. Your third roommate may be annoyed by Callie always hanging around and practically living with you when she doesn’t actually live there. If Callie rooms with Danielle, she might be in a situation where she feels more comfortable - because she gets along with at least one other roommate - and doesn’t have to basically live with you. Then you guys can hang out together elsewhere.
But if you are the type of friend group that always needs to be together 24/7, ignores and excludes the third roommate, and are generally going to annoy the heck out of your third roommates, please do everyone a favor and just move in together.
Even if you, Anna, and Callie decide to move together - why would Danielle feel “terrible”? You all go to the same college. It’s not like you live across town or something - likely you’re in campus walking distance of each other. You’re going to see each other all the time. Honestly, if three of you are all sharing a triple together that makes things easier, because there won’t be a third roommate to make feel all awkward when Danielle inevitably starts basically living there. Or you could just treat the dorm room as a place to sleep and find other places on campus where the four of you can hang out together.
Honestly, I think the best solution is for you, Anna, and Callie to move into a triple and then Danielle finds a triple with two other people. She can still hang out with you guys. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the friendship unless Danielle or someone else gets overly dramatic.
@Juillet thank you, you brought up a lot of insights into both sides of this that I hadn’t considered. The four of us still have a lot to consider, but I really appreciate it
“3) Even if you, Anna, and Callie decide to move together - why would Danielle feel “terrible”? You all go to the same college. It’s not like you live across town or something - likely you’re in campus walking distance of each other. You’re going to see each other all the time. Honestly, if three of you are all sharing a triple together that makes things easier, because there won’t be a third roommate to make feel all awkward when Danielle inevitably starts basically living there. Or you could just treat the dorm room as a place to sleep and find other places on campus where the four of you can hang out together.”
Really? I would think most people would feel pretty badly in Danielle’s shoes. Who wants to be the one left out of the group rooming with others?
What is the price difference between a triple and doubles or suites?
