<p>My dear friends husband lost his battle with cancer last spring (2012). She is still struggling with the loss, which I have told her is normal. Seems to me these things dont have specific timelines. After all, she was married to the love of her life for almost 30 years. It makes sense to me that shed need some time to cope with her loss. </p>
<p>I spent several hours with her this eveningshe really needed somebody to talk to.
She was mowing the lawn today and a neighbor (who actually lives just a few doors from her) stopped her to ask how her husband was doing. Said she and her husband hadnt seen him around the neighborhood lately and were wondering how he was doing. After being told that he had died over a year ago, she offered her condolences and walked on. BFF dissolved into tears and it took hours for her to pull herself together. She has ups and downs (again, normal in my mind) but this really sent her reeling for some reason.</p>
<p>Id love to get my hands on this thoughtless neighbor! (Not reallyjust venting! ) Seriously, if you were genuinely wondering how a cancer patient was doing (when you hadnt seen him in the neighborhood for more than a year) wouldnt you do a google search for an obituary or pick up the phone and ask another neighbor rather than casually approaching the potential widow and asking her??! I was speechless!</p>
<p>Any suggestions as to how I can be of help to my friend?</p>
<p>I think, having watching my mother the past few years, that dealing with the bereavement is a constant surprise. Just when you think all is well, the feelings jump up and surprise you.</p>
<p>I am sorry your friend’s neighbor was so unable to deal with this more sensitively</p>
<p>rutgersmama, It sounds like you are already helping your friend. She is turning to you when she needs someone to talk to, and you are accepting and validating her feelings. I know you wish you could protect her from insensitive remarks - and that neighbor was incredibly insensitive - but you can’t. And you can’t protect her from the sad reality that her husband is gone. But you’re there, and available to her, and that’s exactly what she needs.</p>
<p>You might ask her whether there is anything else you could do to help her through this difficult time. It sounds like you have a close and open relationship.</p>
<p>I think what you are doing now is the biggest help anyone can be – being a shoulder to lean or cry on for as long as she needs it. Agree that the neighbor was thoughtless, although probably feels terrible and embarrassed now.</p>
<p>I think the neighbor was in a difficult spot by this unplanned encounter. I think she did the right thing by asking about the husband. It would have been far worse, IMO (also widowed in 2012), to say nothing.</p>
<p>My dad died 5 years ago and my mom still struggles. I think one of the most important things is to not forget him and not be afraid to talk about him. He didn’t disappear and not talking about him won’t make her forget about him. It always makes my mom happy when people bring up memories of him or refer to him.</p>
<p>Thank you for being a kind and caring friend. Does your bff have any sort of support group she can turn to? H is a hospice chaplain/clergy, and sometimes a bereavement support group can be very helpful. Kind of like CC, sometimes you need to find other people who understand and share in what you are experiencing.</p>
<p>You mentioned that the neighbor should have searched on line for an obituary. I know of at least 3 people in my area ( two were neighbors) who did not have a published obituary. Cost is one factor in this. In all of those cases I heard about the deaths from people who were mutual friends/acquaintances of the deceased. It is possible that other neighbors she might have asked were also unaware. So don’t be too tough on the neighbor who did not know that the man had died.</p>
<p>That said, I send my condolences to your friend. You are a good friend for helping her. Being there for her to talk to is huge.</p>
<p>These things are unavoidable. The fact that the neighbor “brought up” the subject is really irrelevant. The widow is still in deep grief and likely cries often…her home is likely filled with memory triggers.</p>
<p>I would encourage her to find a grief support group, get involved in maybe a church/temple group, or similar. </p>
<p>Does she work? If not, maybe get involved in some community work.</p>
<p>I have to agree about the neighbor. Imo, asking about the health of someone known to be ill isn’t uncaring, if fact it seems to me to be caring. For a neighbor not to have asked would seem uncaring.However, the timing was unfortunate. It was an unplanned encounter, and the neighbor had not yet heard the news. I’m sure the neighbor feels plenty bad because of the response. I say this as a guy that lost his Dad to an accident a year and a half ago.
But as for the grief, I think OP is marvelous to be there for the widow, to spend time, and to listen. I agree there is no one-size-fits-all timetable. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Just be there for your friend and take your cues from her. Years ago, a friend at work lost her husband in a car accident. We would go to lunch and there were times she would want to talk about serious things and there were times she didn’t at all.</p>
<p>I don’t know the last names of many of my neighbors. And I would not think of googling my neighbors so I wouldn’t say something I shouldn’t. And I try not to participate in neighborhood gossip. </p>
<p>Your friend had a moment. Can’t prevent them. Don’t blame others.</p>
<p>I STILL feel terrible. I got called to a “memorial” party of a neighbor by the HUSBAND for his wife who I had NO IDEA had died two months earlier. We’re talking next door neighbors just about. People who had been over at our house (not often, but still). My mouth dropped open and my heart stopped when I heard the news.
My neighbor was one of those we see very occasionally–mailbox, trash collection, major storms (take care of stuff).<br>
His daughter was the one who arranged the party–she (angel) KNEW his neighbors didn’t have a clue because he kept to himself so much. She made HIM call people and tell them the news–and of course he got LOTS of caring in return. A very great thing. He had felt alone and abandoned and that really wasn’t the case. The neighborhood turned out in droves.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I can’t believe another neighbor didn’t tell people on the street about the death when it happened! Just a quick email or note in the mailbox, maybe even offering to coordinate meals etc. I can’t imagine living in a neighborhoood where I know people to talk to and know they have an ill spouse but no one ever does anything at the time of death?</p></li>
<li><p>I have heard from many people that often the second year after a death is harder in some ways than the first. The first, you are in shock and you steel yourself for all the firsts - first birthday, first holiday, etc etc. The second year it sinks in that it is a permanent change. Maybe that is what your friend is reacting to.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I agree with the other posters that you are already being a good friend and listening when she needs you.</p>
<p>Just be there to listen. My dear friend and neighbor lost her husband 6 years ago. She still has bad days, especially around the holidays, their anniversary, his birthday. He was in the military and several times since his death she has been contacted by different buddies of his, who he served with years ago, who had no idea he had died. Her reaction in every instance is similar to that of your friend.</p>