When reading a national newspaper online recently, I came across an article that stunned me. Someone I was close to growing up, and have stayed in reasonably good touch with as an adult, was court martialed for a serious crime and sentenced to several years in military prison for his actions. Won’t go into the details on his crimes, but will say that I choose to believe he made a terrible mistake and is guilty of the charges, but I am still his friend (at a time when I think he is going to really, really need them). I am following up to get a mailing address for him to write to him, and have been looking into what types of things can be sent to him in prison (letter, books and magazines seem like it). He will be in a prison far from where I live (and far from his family) that is not convenient to visit.
Has anyone else had the experience of having a close friend go to prison (military prison in particular)? Any thoughts on how to be a good friend? He has a family, not located near me and that I don’t know personally (his parents are no longer living, although I knew them). He has made no effort to communicate with our friend group (I checked with the person I though he would be most likely to contact), but we agree that we are supportive of him in spite of the circumstances. I am sure he is embarrassed and feeling very down on himself, very unhappy about hurting his family, and probably assuming we will judge him and/or won’t want to associate him. Nothing is further than the truth on the last point. Just wonder if anyone else has been in this circumstance.
No experiences to share with you, but will you be my friend, too?!? Seriously, how awesome you are to look beyond the obvious and be willing to stick with him and support him however you can. I hope he soon realizes how lucky he is to have friends like you and yours.
He is really one of the good guys in the world – not sure I would stick as closely to some friends or even family members. (So maybe not you guys ). But can’t stand the thought of his life being wrecked this way… can’t fix it, but want to help.
Years ago my parents had a good friend go to prison for tax evasion. They (and I) believe he has too trusting, naive, and made an incredibly stupid mistake. They were the only friends and colleague to stand by him and his family. He served his time and returned to the community, but only socialized with my parents and his family as he had been shunned by many others.
You are a good friend to remain in communication. Now and when he returns.
I agree that you are a very good friend, to remain in communication. The only thing I can think of to suggest is that you prepare yourself for him not reciprocating, either because of logistics or because of shame.
Is his crime something you are prepared to overlook? Was it a “victimless” crime? Sometimes good people make mistakes, but if it hurt someone else you need to make sure you can overlook it.
Yes… I don’t know, we are pretty good friends, and go way back. I am pretty sure if I write to him, he will write back. I don’t intend to ask any questions about what got him there, just let him know I am still his friend and am worried about him, and want to do anything I can to make it easier. He is too polite to not respond if nothing else.
I had a friend in jail for quite awhile after she was caught driving drunk with her kids in the car. Just the sweetest woman who ended up with a mental illness diagnosis. I visited her in jail several times. She wasn’t allowed to drive for YEARS, but she got her act together and is doing really well right now. I’m so proud of her!
I really don’t want to go into his crime. The victim did NOT want to press charges, but the military does not care about that. I don’t think it is a “victimless” crime, but I also believe it was a one-time action and the victim was not irreparably harmed – the victim vehemently protested his prosecution, in fact. I spent a day or so sorting out what I thought about it, but come down on the side of being supportive of him (which I believe in this case isn’t unsupportive of the victim).
I’d check with the facility where the person is sentenced to–they would have the best info on appropriate materials that can be received. I know someone who is in jail and we did look into what could be sent and received and were able to send quite a few books via Amazon.com.
I’m sure he will really appreciate your support and receive whatever you can send gratefully.
I have a member of my parish serving a mandatory life sentence for first degree murder. I write back and forth with him and never mention his crime. I tend to focus on stories that are in the news, updates on church members that he knows, or discussing his events in prison; I figure that to talk about outside things may depress him (I can’t imagine going through life without seeing mountains or trees, or going places).
A friend/colleague was just sent for a three year term for accepting a bribe; it seems totally out of character for him, but he plead guilty so it must be true. I simply wrote to tell him that he’s in my thoughts, as well as his wife and children (who have left the area with no forwarding address). I’ll let him take it from there and decide if he wants to contact me.
My H had a friend at work that he enjoyed so much and was close to. This was about 25 years ago. This man is a man of color and was accused of a crime he is adamant that he did not commit. He has been in prison 25 years. My kids have grown up knowing about his story and all their life they would shout out to H "Dad! “Name is calling!!!”, when they saw the prison number on the caller ID - he would call collect once or twice a month and my H has always made time for those calls - keeping the calls very lighthearted talking about sports, the family, etc. My H stays in contact with the guys wife. He sends a little $$ a couple times a year so he can buy a few things he needs from whatever place they have at the prison that they can buy personal things. This man has had the option to “plead guilty” and plea bargain - but he refuses to admit to something he didn’t do.
So yes, my H knows someone in prison. He keeps in touch with occasional phone calls, sends a birthday and Christmas card to him. He speaks to him like a friend - even all these years later - like time hasn’t moved. The man sends thank you’s and sends love to our family and always tries to remain positive in his letters. He seems thankful and grateful.
My BIL has been in jail for a few years. He loves letters and books. He has told us that one of the books changed his life. Someone sent him a “how to” yoga book. It helped with stress, is good for his body and soul and helps to occupy his time alone.
About 20 years ago , my two daughters from my first marriage would spend a good deal of time with their dad in the summer.
One of the activities they were involved with was sailing lessons at a private club my former in-laws belonged to. There was a young lady who taught the lessons and she and my daughter really had a unique bond. I didn’t have the pleasure of meeting her but after the young lady graduated high school , she went off to a prestigious university and made a terrible decision that ended up with her serving time in prison.
She had been serving her sentence for a few years when my daughter learned about it and told me that she wanted to contact her ( by this time , my own daughter was in high school ) So I tracked down a former coach of hers since she attended the same high school I did and found out where she was. It had been almost a decade since my daughter saw this young woman who had made a difference in her life.
The coach had kept in touch with her while she was in prison and wrote back and expressed his delight that someone wanted to get in touch with her too.
So , he gave us her mailing address at the prison and the dialogue began between daughter and this woman. Apparently it really cheered her up.
They still keep in touch…she has since been released and began a new life
Her crime was not deliberate and she paid her debt to society. She was very , very grateful for the contact when she was at the lowest point of her life.
Only similar experience I can think of is a male friend from high school’s picture showed up on the news one night. He had raped several women. I never contacted him and I have no idea what happened to him.
I do admire your concern and I can’t imagine your friend won’t appreciate the support.
@KKmama, pleading guilty does not necessarily mean that the person is guilty. Although of course they may be.
I have a young relative by marriage who is now in prison. A victim of the heroin epidemic. Any contact that results in feeling that someone outside cares is valuable, I think.
A friend did time - a year or two - for selling pot (on dead tour…kind of a stereotype I guess). I wrote letters and he replied, and eventually he moved to a less restrictive prison or halfway house I forget which, where books and such could be sent. He’s been out for several years now, we’re still friends. He says it meant a lot to him that some of our friend group made that point of keeping him company then.
@intparent I have not had this experience personally, but I once had a friend whose fiance was in prison for war protests. (He’s a pacifist and was a repeat offender.) As I understand it, at his prison the only way he could get magazines was through an approved vendor. There are companies that prescreen magazines and other materials so they didn’t contain any contraband. That’s the only way a prisoner could get them.
I just did a google search. I don’t know if this is the company my friend used, but it was this sort of thing. http://www.magazinesforinmates.com/ Anyway…he liked getting magazines…so I’m passing on the thought in case your group might like to pitch in and buy him a couple of subscriptions, assuming military prisons have the same policy. He really liked getting reading material.
She complained vehemently about the phone rules. At his prison, prisoners could only call collect. The contract was awarded to one company. So he would call her collect and she would be billed at a rate that was a lot more than you’d pay if someone not in prison called you.
Yes, I have heard the rates are high. Although I am not sure if the phone rates will be the same, as it is a military prison facility. I know books & magazines have to come through an outside vendor. He is highly educated, guessing that reading material will be very welcome.
). But can’t stand the thought of his life being wrecked this way… can’t fix it, but want to help.