Hello everyone. I know everyone in this forum is obsessed with school, courseloads, and getting into college, but I have a real situation. I posted this in the high school forum as well, and I wanted to know if parents had advice too.
I have this friend, who I probably consider my best friend. We talk all hours of the day, and have known each other for ~6 years now. However, I’ve begun to realize that they are sucking the life out of me. I think about them constantly, and worry about every single tiny aspect of their life, when I really shouldn’t. It feels like this severe anxiety is killing me.
I almost feel like I need to break up with them and cut off communications with them. It’s that bad.
I don’t think they know how horrible they make me feel. I hope they don’t know, as it would just make them feel awful.
Why I want to stop being friends with them…
I’m not happy when I’m with them
I no longer enjoy being around them
I no longer enjoy talking to them
They make me anxious
They make me jealous
They make me angry
They’re so clingy to me
I hate listening to their problems
I would be more free without them
I would possibly be happy without them
I would have more time to do other things I want to do without them
I’m staying friends with them right now because…
I want someone who pays attention to me
I want someone who listens to me
I like them generally as a person
We share interests and personalities
It would be horrible to split up with them
I would get crap about it from all of our friends
I would still think about them constantly
It would kill them if I abandoned them
I really don’t know what to do… I’m open to all opinions you can give me. I’m so stuck and conflicted. Thank you for reading this.
This is certainly not a friend thing, but an anxiety thing. i strongly suggest talking to someone, be it at school or an outside professional. I am a college student who has dealt with and currently deal with anxiety and depression- I have it well under control now. PLEASE if you want to talk message me.
Anxiety is a real disorder. It is common for it to begin in the late teens/early 20s. Talk to you parents and have them help you find a doctor. You will feel 100% better once it is under control.
I don’t really think the OP has anxiety…I think they may have a toxic friend that they need to back away from.
I would suggest starting some other activity so you have a legit reason to start backing off from them…like getting a job or joining a club or volunteering or something. By coming here, you know that you need to change something…i agree that it would be good to talk to your parents or GC about it. Your parents can also help you stay away from the person. My DD had a friend like that and even she knew she needed to “break up” with them.
Try that first and if you still have anxiety then talk to your parents about that.
If you do have to interact with them then you can say “You know, I am realizing that you have problems that are beyond me to help you with. I really think you need to talk someone about it.”
Even if you don’t think there is any wrongdoing on your end, talking to a therapist can help. Not just in personal situations, but any time. Talking through a situation with an objective listener can be invaluable.
I have been in a few situations where a friend’s issues started to dominate and poison my experience of a group or another person. A fellow choir member whose insecurities and resentments, poured into my ear, made me increasingly unhappy in the choir, for example.
If you can find a way to no longer be the recipient of this person’s confidences, you will probably be much happier. If you can talk to your parents about it, perhaps you can brainstorm ways to avoid the situations that lead to it. You don’t have to cut yourself off from the person entirely, you certainly don’t need to start an argument or be mean, but you do have to draw boundaries. Avoid long conversations, either in person or on the phone/computer. Keep it brief and positive. If the person persists, you have to say, in a kind but firm way, “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you about this stuff. It just makes me feel anxious and helpless and upset. I can’t deal with that.”
One of the things that has consistently struck me about these situations is that MY experience of the group or the mutual friend is tainted, but THEY continue right on!
Where are you in school? Will you be leaving for college soon? A different one than theirs? I have also had a friend that sucked the life out of me and I had to change things and see different people. The thing is that we all change and the friends you have in high school may not be the friends you need later in life.