<p>Getting ready to return to my 35th high school reunion in a couple of weeks, and I got to thinking about friendship. How do you choose your friends? Is it proximity, shared values, common circumstances or interests? Do you still cultivate new friends at this time in your life? Do you nurture and maintain old friendships or let them fade away?</p>
<p>Interesting questions. I have a handful of great old friends. We work at those friendships, but some have faded through some periods of our lives, and we have renewed those friendships. I really have only one very good friend from the past that has completely faded from my life. In fact, next month I will see a friend from hs who I have not seen since my wedding! She lives in another country, but will be in the US next month. We have only been corresponding through email within the last year. We reconnected through one of those high school reconnecting websites. This is an old friend who faded, and now we are communicating again. My other old close friends have faded for only months or a couple of years at the most, so this is unusual for me. Our interests are now completely different, and we have lead completely different lives. It should be interesting. I have tried to cultivate new friends too, but most of my good friends I made when I was younger. Proximity has nothing to do with my friendships, but our history, our values, our common interests and circumstances do connect us.</p>
<p>Very interesting topic! I choose my friends based on shared values and common interests. I still keep in touch with my childhood friend, whom I’ve known since I was 5 months old. We were neighbors. We are also the same age, so she is my “oldest friend” since I’ve known her almost my entire life. I also have another very dear “old” friend, who is 75 ( my parents’ age) and who considers me to be her “second daughter” in spite of our racial differences. We met about 10 years ago at my children’s school where I worked. Her grandson & my daughter were classmates. She & I have become close friends even though her grandson & my daughter were never friends, just classmates. Age-wise, she literally is my “oldest friend”. My best friend is someone whom I had met when I was 11and we have stayed close for 36 years in spite of the geographical distance between us. We stay close by phone calls, emails and occasional get-togethers. Our sons are the same age and our husbands get along. We are like sisters to each other even though both of us have plenty of real, blood-related sisters ( I have 4 & she has 2, one of them is even her twin). I do believe in karma and I do treasure good friends. I definitely value quality over quantity.</p>
<p>I’m too tired to be a good friend. But most of mine are usually BFF and we’ve lived all over the US and I have true friends that I can talk to like we were together yesterday. I have observed that the 50+ crowd seem to be able to cultivate those friendships - so maybe our friendships also have a lot to do with where we are in the journey. That said I have not kept up with any of my highschool friends - however, we were a fairly rebellious bunch so I think the “values” and “common interests” came into play there.</p>
<p>Interesting and timely, indeed. I have lived many places at different stages of my life, and I have many friends here and there with whom I exchange phone calls, e-mails, occasional visits. I have gym buddies, which whom I have village square chats. I have imaginary friends, made through CC and other similar forums, some of whom I have met. I find that the local friends are harder to pull off, the intense ones, those who do not work are very needy and demanding, and it makes it difficult to satisfy their notion of friendship…it gets uncomfortable. My best friends are those folks with whom we can come and go with our contacts, and it is a delight to play catch-up, never a disappointment at the lag time.</p>
<p>Lorelei, interesting comment about the ones who don’t work being needy. Do they (I’m an at home Mom, too) have too much time on their hands?</p>
<p>I lost my closest friend to breast cancer last year. As I type this I am looking at a picture that I keep on my desk of the two of us with our arms around each other after we finished a walk for breast cancer research. I have several other women with whom I am very close, but Pat was different. She was the one person I could be completely honest with - she knew the good, the bad and the ugly about me. There was never a day when we were together that we didn’t laugh, and laugh hard. We loved each others daughters and celebrated their triumphs and consoled each other when they were hurt. When one was ready to dismember her own offspring, the other would remind them of good things about their daughter. </p>
<p>I could go on and on, but suffice to say it was special and irreplaceable. I miss her so much and being a mother has been a lot harder without her by my side. </p>
<p>For me, there are a couple of prerequisites for friendship. Common values, an ability to laugh at oneself, a willingness to love and forgive. And all I can say, is you will NEVER regret the moments you spend with a friend like that.</p>
<p>work, thanks for that post. I can’t think of anything to reply that is not a cliche, but I have tears and thoughts of my own friend who is this person for me. You got to the heart of it.</p>
<p>Oh, worknprogress, I am so sorry to hear of your friend’s death. Your post made me cry, wondering how I could ever deal with such a loss. I’m sure she was very special and that you have wonderful memories. I hope you continue to stay in touch with her family.</p>
<p>I met my best friend when I dated her brother in college during freshman year (1980-81). We were friendly, but didn’t really see much of one another because she was a junior in high school and lived in another county. Her brother and I broke up near the end of freshman year so I didn’t really see much of her, even when she began attending the same college as me (15K+ students). We lost touch.</p>
<p>Fast forward to July 1988.
I was keeping a close eye on birth announcements as my daughter had been born in May and another friend’s baby was born in June. I happened to see that a baby was born to my former boyfriend’s sister who had married former boyfriend’s roommate (who was also a good friend of mine!). I was so excited to learn they had gotten married, had a baby and lived just 3 miles from us (different state than where we went to school). I found their number in the phone book and told her to bring that baby right on over and have lunch with me that day. We have been inseparable since. Our daughters, just six weeks between them, have been connected at the hip since they were just weeks old. We now both live in the same neighborhood and our back yards are connected with a common gate. BFF’s daughters are like my own and mine like hers. We vacation together, work as school nurses in the same school district, and visit with one another’s extended families (parents, siblings, etc.) Our husbands are best friends, too. We constantly tell each other how lucky we all feel to have such great friends! We’ll celebrate our 20 years of friendship this July!</p>
<p>We another very good friend (another school nurse) whom we’ve allowed to infiltrate our little family. She and her children have been like family for the past eight years. They also vacation with us and the three of us (the moms) are like the Three Musketeers. Her ex-husband is super-nice and he occasionally hangs out with us, too. We’re far too fortunate.</p>
<p>I have three dear friends who I hold very close to my heart. If I lost one it would be like loosing a limb. Too painful even to contemplate. For my own kids, all the hooplah over college, etc. is just nothing compared to the sheer good luck and wisdom to have great spouses and a few wonderful friends. I wish those things for them - great marriage, great friends - above all else.</p>
<p>As for how to pick good friends? The relationships just grab hold of you and don’t let go no matter how stupid you might be or what might transpire. It’s the ocean floor sort of connection.</p>
<p>I have known my best friend for 37 years since high school. We are almost the exact opposites and now she lives 1000 miles away. She is good at reaching out and keeping us together. If people saw us together they wold think we had nothing in common. Our lives are so different. Our husbands and our kids are not close to each other at all. Yet, we really love each other so much. Every year we get together, just us, and go away without husbands or kids. This year, right before grad. in June we are taking a 4 night cruise just to have fun. I can tell her anything, and vs. versa I hope. I have one other close local friend with whom I have a similar relationship, but its not quite the same.</p>
<p>Someone who has lived my history with me knows me like no other. Including my husband.</p>
<p>I have been thinking a lot about this subject recently. I met the woman I consider my best friend when I was a freshman in college, and we became almost immediate BFFs. Our bond has remained strong for 30 years, through careers, kids, years at home, and many moves (hers). Lately, though, I have been feeling sad about our relationship … circumstances in her life have brought about changes that are hard for me to deal with. Without revealing details (who knows who might read this), her lifestyle and her relationship with her children have changed so much that I question her core values … and I consider our friendship to have been based on common core values. Due to a great deal of physical distance between us, I haven’t been able to have a heart to heart with her in a few years. I recently had dinner with her, but it was not conducive to deep discussion. I feel sad that maybe I don’t feel the kindred spirit with her that I had for so many years … yet I won’t give up on the friendship because it has endured for so many years. I simply hope that we will someday pick up where we left off when time and space allows.</p>
<p>I was thrilled to hear from another college friend today. I have not seen her in quite a few years. She lives in a far away state & has an extremely demanding job. She will be coming to town this weekend & we are going to meet for coffee & chitchat. While we have so little in common on the surface … me a long time stay at home mom of two, married 25 years, who has recently returned to work & struggles to find a good job … she a very successful career woman who has never married nor had children … I feel connected to her in a way I don’t understand. I just know that I can’t wait to see her.</p>
<p>I have had only a handful of friends since college whom I would consider especially close. They have sort of drifted in and out of my life as circumstances have come & gone. I value each of them for what they brought to me at the time, when I needed what we could give each other. I have actually grown closer to one such friend recently, as we have shared the trials & tribulations of sending our kids off to college. We have similar backgrounds, values, etc … but not similar children or personalities. We are both geeks, so there is a lot of common ground there, I suppose! </p>
<p>Of course, my very best friend … the one who is always there for me & never lets me down … is my husband of 25 years.</p>
<p>Lorelei: It’s funny I tend to stay away from people who work because they always seem to “needy” me to do things for them (take care of kids, pick up drop off). However, I have both at home and at work friends. I agree with a few posts above… forgiveness and honesty are the most important foundations for me.</p>
<p>2by2
I soooo agree with you. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I definitely stayed away from the “needy” working moms who seemed to abused the friendship. I’m in a meeting, can you pick up the sick kid from school early; I’m stuck in traffic, can you pick up the kid from daycare… Sheesh.</p>
<p>But then I also stayed away from some of the SAHMs who had coffee mornings and bowling afternoons…</p>
<p>I guess I have no friends :(</p>
<p>In defense of working ‘needy’ Moms: There were a few times during law school when I really needed help. My own mother stayed home from work one day because my son was sick and I had to give an oral presentation. A dear friend, our sons were in day care together, helped me when I had a sick babysitter. Please give working Moms some slack. Its very stressful trying to juggle everything. I try to be available to local working Moms as much as possible because I feel I have been there and I have gotten help in times of need.</p>
<p>I thought that living in the 'burbs with kids as a SAHM there would be big fun groups of on the ball women like at my womens college. WRONG. My husband said that my expectations were way out of whack. I think he was right. When the kids were in grade school I’d go to these “coffees” where I felt I had to to stay in the loop with what was going on with school, kids social lives, etc. but I dreaded those get togethers. Alot of talk of kitchen cabinets and “can’t get good help these days”. We had the kids in common but very little else. I’m a bit choosier now!</p>
<p>Some stay at home moms have bowling afternoons?</p>
<p>Echo the above, forgiveness and honesty are key. Esp. forgiveness.</p>
<p>I still have a close friend I have known since childhood. She is far away, but I was lucky enough to have work in her area for a few months a couple of years ago and we reconnected. I would never have guessed she would be the old friend with whom I stay the most in touch.</p>
<p>My sister is much older than me, so we did not grow up together, but our kids ages overlap so we got close again then, and she is probably my “best” friend. Though I have to admit my best sounding board and the person I can tell ALMOST anything is probably my mom :)</p>
<p>I do miss my dear friend in my old town, we saw each other in our small town almost every day at school picksups & drops offs or sporting events and talked and talked and talked. I moved away and it has not been the same since- we did not exactly share core values and goals, but we overlapped on many and provided some real support for each other for about 10 years. My life is such that I have not met any one like that, probably because we went through so many kid things and shared so much info and now my kids are grown so I am not meeting people in my newer town through my kids.</p>
<p>Isn’t it weird after 25 years or so of child rearing, you simply get lazy about friends and meet them through kids. When you no longer have that connection, you have to get more creative…and you also find you do not talk about your kids nearly as much with non-kid related friendships.</p>
<p>Plus, just as we counsel our kids in college to give new friendships a try and to realise it will take a long time to get to know people as well as you know other old friends, we adults have to do the same thing.</p>
<p>I find the internet is very helpful as I have moved around a bit, it allows me to stay in touch with people who are far flung. If my 10 year friend would have joined this century and had email, I’d bet we would have stayed in touch more.</p>
<p>About helping working moms, when S was young I kept my ears open about situations involving complications in the lives of his friends and their families, and I called and offered to help with this and that, pick up, keep, rescue, etc. Then when I needed help, I called in my chits, without a qualm. I never abused it, and I never had any problems. </p>
<p>The needy people I have seen do not have enough of their own in their lives, their own identity, outside of being someone’s wife, mother, grandmother, etc. They tend to be judgmental of how other folks go about being friends, cannot accept what others have to offer as doing the best they can. For me, friends are gift, a joy, a terrific surprise when I hear from them or see them, but not an expectation, on demand, fulfilling a prescription of proper friendship behavior. The exception is one friend with whom we seem to share a link of ESP…we know when to call, uncannily. I still try to be there for my friends in the way I would want them to be there for me…my version of the golden rule.</p>
<p>I am really bad at asking for help when I need it, although I am always more than willing to help others out. My son has an AP exam next week & he needs a ride home, because I will be at work. I realized that I could call my friend … and that’s when I knew that she is truly one of my “real” friends. There are others who would probably do it for me … she is the only one I feel comfortable asking to go out of her way for me. :)</p>