We used a 3-week college application workshop service, which includes writing essays and critique. The students still have to do all the writing; the service provided a framework and guidance. It was well-worth it for us.
I think part of the pressure comes from imagining that one needs to have a stand-out essay in order to be admitted to a top university. Most high school seniors–even very well qualified ones–would not have an idea of how to craft one of those. I have seen sample essays that were commended by the readers, but that I thought were pretty ho-hum. I have also seen sample essays that seemed out-and-out frightening to me, in that I thought they were quite near to the borderline for acceptance by the New Yorker. They were not like anything ever written by any high schooler I have known. Probably they were entirely legitimate, and written unaided, just outside of my range of observations.
Although your standards for “stand-out” might be different from mine, in my experience it is not actually true that a “stand-out” essay is needed.
If I knew someone who was struggling to get started with an essay, I would ask: What matters to you, and why? What do you think is funny? What have you found challenging recently? (For that one, not “balancing homework and ECs,” but something deeper.) What do you wonder about? What do you wish you knew, and how do you plan to find out? If you wanted to convey something important about your background to someone else, without simply stating it in a matter-of-fact way, what would you say to give them a glimpse of what makes you unique and what makes you like most other people? If the writer has a twitter account: What have you tweeted that resonated with the largest number of other people? Why do you think that was? Who inspires you, and why? (There are a lot of grandparent essays out there.) Did you ever read a book that changed the way you thought? (Please avoid Ayn Rand.) How do you feel when you can’t solve a problem? Do you think math is elegant? Why are so many natural phenomena describable mathematically? What would you do if you learned that an intelligent group of aliens had reached Alpha Centauri? How will anyone who follows you at your high school know that you were there, or care? In your community, to whom have you made a difference, how, and why? Do you truly care about someone else? How do your actions show that? What aspect of your personality goes deepest below the surface?
These might not yield a stand-out essay, but I think they might yield a serviceable one. Others could offer balance to my views, which I would characterize as “partially informed.”
My daughter once looked at the set of prompts suggested by a university, and assumed that she needed to write an essay that covered all of the suggested topics. Needless to say, that one was discarded.
Yeah, I think some combination of burnout and pushback and maybe a little bit of fear is in this kind of thing. And I agree about deadline effects. Remember that junior year is tough on kids, and then they’re expected to spend summer working on college apps… when all they want is some time to breathe and relax. Went through this with D19 too. No essay forthcoming throughout summer and first month (aug/sept) of school…for a kid that was planninh on an ED app. I was worried, college counselor was worried… , finally, she started working properly on it about mid-October. Application went in one day before the Nov 1 deadline, with two great essays, done in her own time and unmistakably her own voice.
My two cents…Sometimes the more you pressure a kid, the less they want to do something. When it’s more about doing it because YOU told them to do it, as opposed to because HE wants to do it, you lose that intrinsic motivation and sense of accomplishment. It may seem counter-intuitive, but backing off a bit and putting the ball in his court may actually empower him to step up!
@CallMeEmma I am to have to agree with Emma here. I know for a fact in the 9-10 months before we kicked D19 off to college that if we told her to do something she definitely didn’t want to do it. Actually it made her not want to do said activity. And it was small stuff. Hang up those clothes. Put that away. It got to the point that I was totally ready to drive her to college in the middle of the Summer.
In the end good kids will get the work done by the deadlines. The only thing you need to worry about are colleges that have rolling admissions. Sometimes that merit is first come first serve.
I recently heard the best piece of parenting advice from a researcher. It was something like, How would you react to your child’s behavior if you could see into the future and know that everything turns out fine. Basically, you don’t want to be parenting out of fear. This really resonated with me. If I can picture that S20 will get in to a college where he will be happy, then all my interactions with him become much calmer.
Don’t assume that because he’s not putting pen to paper that he’s not working on it. He may be knocking around ideas and possible constructs in his head.
I have had success by taking stabs at things (with a pen in hand) until the false starts knock something loose, but I also have found that if I allow myself some time to think things through - in the shower, on a run, on my drive to work -’ things sometimes break loose too.
Wishing you luck. (And loving @scorekeeper1 'a advice about parenting as though it’ll all work out. It shows your kid that you trust them as well as what optimism looks like. Nice gift from a parent!)
Or if everything DOESN’T turn out fine! You don’t want to look back and regret nagging a kid.
I had to come here to vent as I can’t to my friends IRL. So after pleading and then resorting to threatening, I finally saw the essay she has been working on for weeks now. It looks like something just thown together in an hour. Disapponted does not even come close to how I feel right now and I am extrememly angry as well. After months of encouraging, pleading and nagging that’s all she could come up with. She did’nt even want to share the essay and now I know why. There is only so much I can do. Hopefully, in the next two weeks there will be much more effort on this but I really don’t know what to say at this point.
Now I understand why some parents hire a consultant. For this kid, I really needed someone to take over the process and do the nagging and set the timelines and make sure they are being completed. Our relationship has really suffered as she is angry and reentful and so am I. The thought of all the years of hard work and sacrifice going down the drain is just a nightmare.
Though I agree a take-it-easy parenting approach can work, I’m very much a What If and CYA person. I needed to know there were great backups. AFter all, this is a process, for most kids.
Shortly before submitting, D1 said, “I know I can be happy and do well, at any of my targets.” That was a very reassuring moment. But there was plenty of drama, early on.
There is so much pressure to write the World’s Most Perfect Essay That Encapsulates Your Very Essence, I can see why some kids freeze up.
Things have moved quickly now. S has completed 4 different school essays now and the common app essay. What we found is once you get three or four different schools completed the rest can be re-used. You just need to tailor it to the school.
Please use the advice on this thread. There are some great ideas that worked.
What worked for us was:
- Staying positive
- Reduce the stress, I re-enforced it’s not the end of the world if he didn’t get into a Top 20 school
- Have a clear deadline, we targeted to complete the ED schools (we need to still pick the one we submit) by 10/15 and the others by early Nov
- Help with brainstorming
Hang in there everyone
Why would all her hard work be down the drain? Are you depending on grants from meets need schools or merit awards to be able to afford college?
I think all you can really do is explain the importance of the essay, based on where they want to attend and check in to see how they’re coming along. If they’re not making progress, ask them a few questions to help them get motivated but that’s about it. At the end of the day, you can’t want it for them more than they want it themselves. If they’re serious about attending a selective school that values essays, they’ll get on it. If they’re not, then explain their actions or inactions will lead to a different type of school (which might be perfectly fine). There’s a difference (a big one actually) between having the ability to gain admission into a level X school and wanting to attend, go through the grind. Some just don’t want to. Not their thing. Nothing wrong with that.
I only take issue with those that want a certain type of school but aren’t willing to do the work. Doesn’t work that way.
You also mentioned threatening. I don’t know what’s gone wrong and I hate criticizing parenting styles, but this seems to have all gone so wrong. Contrary to what some think, it doesn’t actually take months to write a good essay. A talented kid can do it with space for rewrites in a couple of weeks, easy. And “years of hard work and sacrifice” are unlikely to hinge on an essay being “perfect”, whatever that is.
It seems to me a common thread thread in some of these stories is kids pushing back against unrelenting parental pressure. Especially after they gave already spent their high school career full of “hard work and sacrifice”. Give them some space to breathe and trust them to deliver at the end.
Glad to hear it’s worked out. I think the first two aspects are important.
I think sometimes our kids are trying to tell us something through their actions or inactions. I really had to read between the lines with my S20.
He was not at all engaged, didn’t really want to visit schools, didn’t study for the SAT and got just average results, didn’t want to write any essays, etc. It all finally came out that he just didn’t want to go away from home as a Freshman. So we are now planning on CC for 2 years with a hopeful transfer to UC Berkeley or Davis. He couldn’t get in to either as a Freshman but with a good GPA in CC he will have a shot.
I definitely experienced some disappointment, but I’ve now moved past that and will support him 100% in his plan.
Just make sure you are listening to what your kids are trying to say.
An admissions officer told us that there are a handful of essays that are so good they get the applicant in, there are a handful that are so terrible that they keep the applicant out. But most essays really just confirm the impressions they’ve gotten from the rest of the application.