I currently go to a large state school and chose one of the more quiet dorms because I liked the atmosphere and surroundings. Some of these dorms have a reputation for lacking a “social scene” and being more nerdy but I figured being a large state school I would still be able to find people who share my interests (i.e. watching/playing sports, going out to parties on the weekend, playing video games etc…).
I wouldn’t say I have poor social skills as I had a lot of friends in high school and normally feel comfortable talking to strangers and striking up conversations. However when I moved in (about two weeks ago) most people on my dorm floor had their doors shut and were not open to meeting new people. Additionally my roommate who was random is a junior who just sits in the room all day and stays up late at night. I have since made 1-2 friends but we don’t share similar interests and I can’t imagine being friends with them for more than this year based on our differences. I know there are people just like me on my floor and even on subsequent dorm floors but I have introduced myself to these people and they seem to have already formed social groups and aren’t interested in including me (which I find strange considering we have only been here about two weeks. Furthermore I have heard chatter about what people are doing for housing next year already and considering I have no close friends that I like I have become very stressed and frustrated with my situation.
Basically I am strongly considering putting in a transfer request to switch to some of the more social dorms on campus but I am worried I will run into the same problem that people will already have formed social groups and won’t willingly include me to hang out when I transfer (which would be at the end of the first semester). Essentially if I do transfer dorms I will be giving up the little familiarity I have with the people I know and can talk to only for the chance to have things improve. Then again most of the time I eat alone and just hang out in the dorm lounge because I have nobody to hang out with. I plan to join clubs/activities/volunteer/intramurals but I can’t help feeling that the best way to make close lasting friends (possibly whom I could live with/get a house with next year is through the dorms and my floor.
It seems that as each day passes I will become more excluded and it will be harder to make friends.
Should I try to switch dorms and meet people who I have more in common with and try to salvage my college social life? Or should I stay where I’m at, hope things get better, and tough it out? All I know is it will be a long and lonely 4 years if things stay the way they are and I was wondering if there were any success stories for people switching dorms at semester who knew nobody and found a good group of friends. Any advice is welcome.
I’d stick out your current form this year. Next year look into special interest housing or co-op housing if your college has it. Those tend to be smaller communities and pretty welcoming to newcomers.
Well somewhat yes, from what I know most people meet their best friends in college just because they happen to be on the same floor as them and see each other all the time. However, I do realize this doesn’t happen for everyone so yes I am going to join clubs, volunteer, play intramurals but everyone says college is the easiest time in your life to make friends and I guess it feels like a slap in the face because I consider myself a pretty sociable guy and have been having a hard time doing so. Thanks for responding!
I’m telling you this isn’t true. That’d be pretty lucky, don’t you think? To have everything in common with someone you just happen to live by? How could that happen to “most people”?
Come back when you’ve tried other – what I would actually consider the usual – ways to make friends.
What’s wrong with the friends you have? You don’t have to have identical interests. As long as everyone in your group will take turns doing things the others like, that shouldn’t be a problem. And trying new things is good for you. That’s a good way to pick up new hobbies and meet other people.
You’ve only been there 2 weeks. That’s not a long time at all. You have to give it time. If you want to expand your circle, find some clubs that interest you. Get a job if you don’t have one. But don’t expect to make lifelong friends right away, and don’t diss the ones you already have.
The friends I made in college didn’t live on my floor freshman year. A couple lived in my building, but I got to know them through classes before I found that out. I figured out that just sitting with some of the quieter but nice people I knew from classes really helped, that was how I made a couple of my closer friends. Friend groups tend to be at least somewhat fluid and those room mate plans could still drastically change before spring when rooms are chosen.
I met one of my best friends from college in the dorm as I was heading to the garbage chute to throw out some stale Peeps that I got for Easter. She still reminds me that my first words to her were, “Would you like some of these stale Peeps before I throw them out?” So that was in the spring.
You still have lots of time to make new friends and they may or may not be living in the same hall as you.
Good luck!
@Jhuebs I can only think of 2 people in my freshman dorm that I hung out with in college & they are the only 2 I keep in touch with (other than a couple other people that I met AFTER Freshman year). I met most of my friends through classes & campus organizations. You’ll start to see the same faces (the people who are in the dining hall at 11, will be there all semester as theat’s likely when they have a break between classes). It sounds odd, but soon you start smiling at each other in that “hey I’ve seen you before” way & then you see each other somewhere else where you might even strike up a conversation. Finding your people in college can take months- just be patient & do things that interest you. You’ll find your tribe.
When my D was a freshman and very lonely, the school counselor told her to go up to a person sitting alone in the cafeteria at each meal, introduce herself and ask if she could join them. Not everyone said yes, but she made a lot of friends, some of whom she is still in touch with 3 years out of school and others who were just a friendly face to pass a meal or a half hour with once in awhile.
You aren’t in high school anymore, people are less likely to form friend groups just because they live near each other or sit next to each other in class. Join a club/organization to make friends, people with similar interests as you.
I lived in the most social dorm at a flagship uni, the whole “keeping your door open so people can pop in and play videogames” was fun for about 2 weeks. After that, people valued privacy for studying/sleeping and social activities moved to more public areas.
The situation might be different at schools where people are expected to live in dorms for all 4 years, but rarely did a student continue living in the dorms after their freshman year at my school.
Hang in there. There is so much serendipity in meeting people. Some people get lucky and have a roommate who ends up being a best friend, and others live on a hall where there are no kindred souls. As you pick activities, pick ones that will bring you in contact with a group of people regularly and/or where you’ll have time to talk to people. A hiking club, an intramural sport, working on a publication, volunteering in the community, a faith group – it doesn’t really matter what it is so long as you feel like whatever they’re doing is something you’d like to be doing. Don’t forget, too, that at many of the big state schools, there are kids who come in with a huge number of high school classmates. A lot of them may keep hanging out together simply to avoid what you’re feeling, not because they’re actually great friends. I say this because you may not be as alone as you think. You sound like the kind of person who can connect with people if they’re up for it – you just need to find them.
There was a Huffington Post article earlier this week about a girl who had created a “Sit with Us” app. I’m not necessarily suggesting that you start that at your school (although it’s an idea!) but that this is a common problem.
Hang in there.