I think the “evolving” that should take place is that once they are launched into a career or job and when they are living out on their own, you aren’t really “parenting” anymore BUT you may still be giving advice and you will def still be vested in their well-being. The key is to not think of the relationship as parent-child but more as human to human! Family member to family member.
@blossom , can’t love your post enough. Totally agree. And it made me think about how my dad, who joined the company where he was employed until he retired, was baffled by my choices.
My kid described an exchange with the CEO of the company… which would have gotten me fired back in 1979 or so when I started my corporate career. I was appalled-- and said “oh let’s hope your body language made it clear you were joking”. Nope- it was in an email (in writing! OMG!) and it was- apparently- totally fine.
So yes- our parents were likely baffled and confused and worried about OUR choices, and now we are baffled and confused and worried about our kids choices. But the work world has changed so much (we didn’t get “parental leave”- I took a few weeks of disability to recover from my C-sections and then went right back to work and was just grateful that I didn’t go into labor in my office) and all we can do is marvel that our kids manage to keep a roof over their heads!!!
Yes, last night, I asked S I’d his GF may wish to join us when we are in Europe. He says that’s not possible, since she’ll be starting a new job. That makes several new jobs I’ve heard of her having since they’ve been dating 3+ years.
S says switching jobs fairly often is the new normal for their generation. It does seem to be as we have several friends their age who have had multiple different jobs and employers already as well. S seems very fortunate he’s been able to be happily with same employer, tho he did have a transfer which he was urged to apply for that came with a raise and promotion, and is currently happily taking a year off from his job.
Switching jobs often is very common now. In fact, if you stay at one company for a long period not only are you giving up salary and promotion opportunities, but it is looked upon as a red flag.
Why should employees these days remain loyal to an employer? After all, employers have demonstrated time and time again that employees are totally disposable.
^Yes, that was a shock to me at my first job. For them to lay off 20 of us in one fell swoop, when the month before they’d assured us our jobs were safe was infuriating. And for them to do it three months before DH and I were vested in the retirement plan!! That’s the point at which we decided we would start our own company one day.
Well I hope it’s not seen as a red flag that S is happily employed with the fed govt. His responsibilities have changed over the years and he has had a lot of different responsibilities.
I believe job hopping is more common in the private sector than govt. I think long unexplained gaps in employment would be a red flag. Longer employment with one employer and great reviews—no red flags to me.
Just a comment on young adult kids visiting home: I think it’s fine to pay for their tickets. If you want to see your kids, you should be willing to pay their airfare. Young people generally don’t make enough to make trips home easy. Eventually, this will change and they will pay their own way to see you.
@njsue, I now agree with this viewpoint, all the arguments convinced me. We booked and paid last night. He said he’d help out after he got paid Friday, but I said no.
Well, Christmas week was much easier on me with S. H and my expectations were very low after Thanksgiving. It also helped that he was stuck at home for Xmas Eve and Xmas Day…haha! Actually, I think he enjoyed being home because he did just hang out more here, and not just in his room. He was still really quiet, which saddens me as I feel I don’t have a relationship with him sometimes.
I didn’t ask about work once, or pry into his life. But I struggle to find something to talk to him about. He NEVER initiates a conversation, or acts like he’s interested in really chatting with me when I attempt to.
I actually talk more with him when I FaceTime him once a month.
I bit my tongue about his weight. He is getting heavier and just gorges food nonstop. I’m concerned for his self confidence and health. He’s 5”10” and I bet weighs about 250 now. I keep telling myself that he knows this and nothing I say will give him incentive. It will just push him away or make him feel ashamed when he sees us…then not want to see us. But I worry so much. I think it’s a symptom of unhappiness. I thought the new job, new city, living with GF would be a motivation. But I think that he’s not as happy there as I thought he would be. He misses his friends terribly, and I think is fairly lonely. He likes his co-workers, but you can’t just be friends with them.
He’s gained about 20 lbs in 5 months. I’m just venting now.
Anyway, I get tired of always worrying about them.
@conmama. I am sorry that you are not having the kind of relationship with your son that you want. It is hard but so many of us go through that no matter what age our children are and no matter what we do to try to create a close bond with them. I applaud you for biting your tongue. He may be “depressed”. Hopefully, he can work thorough whatever is bothering him. Just try to be supportive. Let him know you are there to listen to him and be a non-judgmental ear for him if he ever wants to share.
That really is a good update. It is VERY hard to bite one’s tongue. Good for you!!! The gift of unconditional love and acceptance? Such an important thing for a parent to project.
I’d like to share this with you. With the help of my therapist, I became more aware that my mind was very quickly and neatly knitting stories about one of my kid’s future that was not happy and bright. There are so many signs that worry me so – much like what you are describing with your son.
Until I am in possession of a functional & accurate crystal ball, I need to remind myself that peoples lives take all kinds of twists and turns and I have no way of knowing what’s around the corner for that kid of mine.
Try not to future-trip. Not easy, I know!
We had both kids home for the holidays and yes, conversation comes very easily with one and not the other. Still, I look for small ways to connect to the quieter one.
Thank, I also future trip all the time. My H is the worst when he gets down…his scenarios are so sad…haha! I have to tell him to stop.
Thankfully I have younger S who is a talker, and shares so much of his life with me. Likes to hang out and do stuff together. I guess that helps make up for the other. The older son was such a spirited, loud kid…then about 13 he started getting quieter and quieter.
@conmama, not to focus on this but just out of curiosity, has his GF gained weight since they moved? I’m just wondering if it’s due to their eating lifestyle - either what they are cooking, what they are having for meals, how frequently they are eating out, their budget for food, etc.
This is the first time I’ve read this thread and I read it all through. Just kudos to you @conmama for taking everything people said.
I just want to throw out a few things in general from this thread, from the “kid” perspective. Take it or leave it 
-OK it REALLY bothers me that a 26 year old being in his room led to at least one person here who instantly jumped to him being a opioid addict? Really??? Oy vey. By the description given here, my husband - who rarely drinks (gave it up when I did to get pregnant), doesn’t smoke, and sure as hell has never gone near opioids - would be a suspected user.
-My husband is roughly the same age (just turned 29) and he has very little relationship with his parents. Not because he dislikes them, but because whenever they do talk (he’s not a talker anyway and never has been) it always feels like a lecture. I’m sure they do not think of it that way, but they like to give us lots of advice that is just not relevant to us. It’s belittling.
-Mr R is the youngest of 3 boys and the other two are much closer to his parents than he is. Somehow, his parents have convinced themselves that it’s my fault. It’s not, I just happened to start dating him when we were 20 - a time when most kids are pulling away anyway - and they’d rather blame me than try to figure out what’s actually wrong. (This is what differentiates you, conmama, from other parents in this situation.)
-I found out a few months ago that my in-laws thought we were angry at them… for no reason… because we hadn’t talked in months. We were just busy and never once did they reach out to us. To be honest, it just didn’t occur to us to reach out to them because going that long without really talking isn’t unusual. We only found out they thought we were angry through my SILs who told me.
-Unsolicited advice about work is simply not helpful. 1- there’s an almost 100% chance that he knows his work environment better than parents do (since, y’know, he’s there every day) and 2- he’s not going to take it. If he’s not seeking advice, it’s going to go in one ear and out the other and be processed as infantilizing. I’m sure no one means it that way, but that’s what it is. I know this because my in-laws have said things about my work. I work remotely and somehow they interpret that as I don’t work. No, I just work online and they never see me work because I make it a point not to work around family.
-I think it’s fantastic that you pay for him to come home. I’d love it if my parents were in a position to do that, but they’re not and that’s OK. I really hope you never stop doing this as long as it makes financial sense because it shows him that you really want him home.
-Please don’t say anything about his weight. He knows. I promise he knows and nothing you say will make him know it any better. Unfortunately, it very well might take a health issue, lecture from his doctor, or encouragement from his SO before he feels any desire to change it.
Again, conmama, this thread made me so happy because you truly listened and it ended up turning out well. I hope you continue to have positive visits in the future!
ETA: Oh yeah and before I was pregnant, I casually used weed. I will do it again after Romani Jr is born. I’m not a “druggie” and I see nothing wrong with using as long as it doesn’t take over one’s life. I have a house, a baby on the way, a PhD almost completed, etc - the weed is how I relax since I don’t drink (even before the pregnancy) or smoke.
His parents still think of it as the devil’s lettuce and they’ve called my parents white trash for being users. I don’t take their views seriously so neither of us cared, but let’s not pretend like pot users are uncommon or a bunch of “losers” who sit around and smoke all day while playing video games.
@romanigypsyeyes — thanks for sharing your viewpoint and wisdom. I’m sure you are speaking for a lot of our young adults. My kids need their own space and down time—al ats have. It’s fortunate they are able to have their own rooms—it REALLY helps them.
It’s great that this visit was better than November. It does take awhile for each of us to learn new roles and give one another space.
It does take a while for young adults to realize they have as much responsibility for maintaining the relationship as their parents. It will happen, though.
^^ @romanigypsyeyes, thank you for your post. Even though I really do know that unsolicited advice is pretty much never appreciated by my kids, your words are a great reminder.
@conmama, glad this visit was better than the last. Navigating these times with our adult kids can be so tough sometimes.
@collage1 and don’t get me wrong - I’m horrendous about giving unsolicited advice. I’m actually quite afraid that it’ll drive my kid(s) up the wall. I’ll just have to really fight to keep it in check because I know I’m going to be bad.
Thank you everyone for the pat on the back! I think I did a fairly good job this time around in nit pushing him away. @abasket ,
He’s always struggled with his weight to a degree, but seemed to be able to keep it around 215 (he’s lifts weights as if pretty big in the arms and chest). He started gaining weight again at 3 years ago after he went off Vyvanse, maybe 10 lbs. The extra has been since he moved. He eats and drinks out all the time, more so than when living here.
@romanigypsyeyes , thank you so your post. It really gives perspective from you and your husband. The lecturing part hit home. I know I’m always trying to give little ones, H is worse than me.
I’d continue to pay for him to come home, but I don’t know how H feels about that. S has paid to fly to Michigan, Chicago and Portland to see friends, I think H feels a little taken advantage of on that regard. But he’s a softy at heart and breaks down the tough guy facade fairly easily. More so than me.
Anyway, @HImom , this new parenting role is sort of tough! I guess I got a sample of things if I don’t do my part!