Frustrating Thanksgiving visit with son.

Parent Cafe
1

My son surprised us all by coming home early for Thanksgiving, almost an entire week. He was supposed to be in midnight Wednesday. We haven’t seen him since July since he moved to Austin. We paid for the plane ticket, which I now think was a mistake.

During the last 4 months, we’ve chatted semi regularly through text and we have had 3 FaceTime chats. All seemed normal and we were excited to have him home. He’s not a chatty guy naturally, and he keeps a lot in…not a sharer.

However, this trip it’s almost like he’s avoiding us. I don’t think I’ve had one decent conversation with him. When it is just us, he’ll go to his room, with some stupid 3xcuse like his stomach is upset and he’s going to lie down. He’s been gone almost constantly since he’s been here, like a teenager, he’s 26 now.

DH says it’s because we ask him the pointed questions and he doesn’t like that. Like, how is he taking 5 days off already if he’s only been there 4 months. He tells me they don’t care, just keep track. I tell him not a good idea, they do care…and watch out. Just stuff like that. He doesn’t want to hear it. He always takes things to the limits, always.

I try to bring up other topics, but he won’t engage. He’s not rude, does things I ask.

He’s helping me take some heavy mirrors to UPS today and I think I’ll ask him what’s going on in the car. He leaves tomorrow morning.

He doesn’t have tickets to come home for Xmas, as he’s trying to figure that out. I think he’s 1) waiting to see if we will offer to pay, 2) realized he’s waited too long for good prices and times and 3) rethinking the pickle he’s got himself into with vacation days. He’ll be in the negative if he takes time off.

Anyway, just venting as I don’t feel like we connected at all! You would think at his age, he would have the maturity to act more like an adult visiting home, meaning connecting with parents even a little, trying to initiate conversation, especially since we paid his way and gave him a very generous bday gift a month ago…more than usual.

I’ve always been open with the sons, so don’t know if I should say something or just keep my mouth shut about his behavior. I’m just surprised as we’ve chatted happily and shared texts the last few months since he’s been gone.

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I do not mean to be harsh. Just thinking out loud (in writing) here. My DS is also not an over sharer. What strikes me about your comments is that instead of being interested in his life and what he may choose to share, you are telling him how to conduct himself. He is 26. An adult with a job. Many workplaces now have “unlimited” vacation. Maybe he does not want to come for Christmas because he has other plans and thinks you will be upset. Maybe he does have a stomachache over trying to make the leap from being treated like a kid by his parents.

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Hi @Cheeringsection , valid point about still treating him not as an adult. I guess it’s he’s done some really bonehead stuff. I keep slipping back into telling him or warning him about things.

He doesn’t have other plans. His GF is flying back here the 20th. They live together and are both new to Austin.

DH says I shouldn’t say anything, it will just make his feel awkward coming next time. I guess I have to keep trying not to lecture.

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I wonder if there is a problem with his job, and he wanted more than a few days away from it. Just a thought.

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@bookworm , that crossed my mind, too. But he says it’s going well and had a good 30 day review.

I don’t get how he thinks it’s a good idea to take more vacation days than he’s earned, and says “they don’t care”. Maybe they don’t, but I highly doubt it

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Many jobs have unlimited vacation time now? Sign me up. Sorry…I digress.

I too wonder if something isn’t wrong with the job or the girlfriend? I also wonder about substance abuse? From what my kids tell me it’s rampant. Coming home early but retreating to him room are red flags to me that something is wrong.

I recently read an article that adolescence now extends to age 24! (help us) If that is true your son is just coming out of adolescence and is probably overachieving for his age.

I feel for you - good luck.

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So, do you all feel I should say something or leave it?

8

You have already said enough about his job. Unless he is in retail or health care, he might have been given W-Th-Fri off.

9

Does he have the kind of job where he can work remotely? Maybe when he is in his room he is getting some work done, but if he told you that he may fear you’d expect him to come home more.

It IS hard to come out of that parenting mode of unsolicited advice. All 3 of mine react differently when I start down that path, but none of them like it!

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I’d say nothing. Sounds to me like he’s acting like a child because you are giving unsolicited advice and “warnings,” and he’s feeling undermined as an adult.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and be a soft place for him to relax, regroup, and fall if necessary.

11

I would have a discussion with him about his xmas plan. If he wants to come home then I would do whatever it takes to get him home and that may include buying a ticket (or split it with him).

My kids are 26 & 30 now. They are not as open with me as they used to be, but they still tell me a lot. At this point they need to figure it out themselves (I am not at work with them, don’t know the dynamic. I am not in a relationship with their SOs, I wouldn’t know if it is working or not). I find when I don’t push, they tend to tell me more.

My baby brother is over 50 now and my mother still nags at him about everything, from how he spends money to his eating habit. He hates going home. I tell my mother to leave him alone because he is not going to change.

12

I suspect your intuition is correct and something is wrong. I would just say to him that he hasn’t seemed very communicative and if everything is ok. From experience, I know they won’t tell you anything until they are ready.

13

Say nothing else. Don’t lecture. In his mind he came home early as a surprise and what does he get? A lecture. From your posts it seems you are disappointed in his ways and maybe he knows this? He’s an adult - treat him as such. If he were being rude or something that would be different.
I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh - i have a SIL who “over talks” her adult children and it is painful to witness. To an outsider it is obvious they can’t stand it.

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I find this to be a challenge with my S18, D15. They don’t want lectures.
Try a different approach.
We saw the Mr. Rogers movie - we all enjoyed it. Parenting lessons in it such as emphasis on listening and being a friend. “I like you as you are.” Empathy for the stages they pass through. I think my kids also got insight into how hard parenting can be.

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If anything, I would just say that you were worried that something was worrying him. And that you would try your hardest to listen without any judgement.

Maybe tell him that you are sorry that you feel you’ve been a bit too opinionated.

And that you will love him always.

I’ve had a kid that has not always been a peach to be around. Had some issues that made them nervous and anxious. It was a tough couple of years.

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Just chiming in on the unlimited time off — many progressive companies do indeed let you have as many days as you’d like. But if you’re work isn’t getting done, you’re toast. (I’ll qualify this by saying we live in TX and my DH has recently interviewed for several jobs in the Austin area.) Some also allow you to pay for extra time off. I would trust that your son understands the rules of his employment.

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Here’s an old joke we enjoy that this post made me think of.

A man calls his son and says “Hey I wanted to let you know your mom and I are getting divorced. I’m filing papers next week”
The son says “What! That’s crazy. You and mom have the best marriage I know. Let me call you back. I need to process.” An hour later the son calls ‘I talked to my sister and we are coming home next weekend. Promise me you will wait to file until we talk to you” The dad agrees and then goes to his wife “ Honey, good news! The kids are coming home next week for Easter and we don’t even have to pay for their tickets!”

Seriously though. The most important thing is to stop treating him like a child.

18

We spend about $700 at Xmas, but have decided to just do $500 this year as we were extremely generous at their birthdays in late October and November. He has already told me he wants AirPod pros, which are about $250. I suppose I could offer to pay the remaining $250 of his air for a gift, up to him.

I won’t say any thing, I’ve probably done enough harm, as I’ve mentioned the vacation days about 3 times. But he shared with us a story about his former job that made my skin crawl.

He was happy to get that post grad job, but fir whatever reason (I’m sure not a good one), they moved him to another department that needed more help after about 18 months. He was angry about that, as it was not what he wanted to do. From some things he said in the past, I think he was a passive aggressive employee. He got a bad review his 2nd year. I think he shaped up a bit, but those are just warnings to get ready to be let go in my opinion. So, after another year they let him go the very same day he he received the offer for his new job. Thank Gawd! Literally 3 hours later.

So, they had to wear ties at his first job. In August, they didn’t make them, a treat. He showed up September 1 not wearing one, he forgot he said. He hated those ties. His supervisor asked him to go home and put in a tie and he told them no!! It was just one day and he sits at his cubicle all day. He’d make sure to wear it the next day. How insubordinate!

I looked at him in shock, so did his Dad. I Said if your new employer asks you to do something don’t say no! Go do it! You’ll get fired. Of course, he didn’t like that. That’s what I mean, he does stupid stuff like that.

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I can understand why you are frustrated @conmama based on that story. I did give my kids what I call my “ millennial lecture” while they were seniors. It goes like this:

There will be many things about your job that are very hard. And there will be some things that you are asked to do that you think are stupid but are not hard. By having a great attitude about the stupid stuff you can win yourself goodwill that may give you more leeway in any mistakes you make on the hard stuff. Having a bad attitude about or not doing the stupid- but- easy stuff is throwing away your easy goodwill. That’s a huge waste.

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What’s the worst that happens? If he loses his job he’ll have to find a new one. But maybe he understands his work culture and they truly don’t care. It’s normal to worry, but it doesn’t sound like asking pointed questions is getting you anywhere. I think I’d leave it alone.

If there’s already a girlfriend in the mix, you may want to change your strategy. If they have a more relaxed time at her family’s house they may start spending holidays there.