<p>In the fall, less than one month into her freshman semester, my daughter did not come home for her grandmother’s funeral. When asked where she was I just said she was at school - no biggie. It is the time they spend when the person is alive which is important.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
S, oldest grandson and named after his grandpa, did not attend grandpa’s funeral. Grandpa died at the beginning of finals week (Dec.) during S’s first semester of college. S’s college was on the other side of the country. Just too expensive for another plane ticket and too much of a problem with college to make up finals in Jan. Our son knew grandpa was ill and his death was not surprising or that sorrowful for S. The funeral was held very quickly so other relatives (who’d gathered to say goodbye) could avoid further travel expenses-- that gave us little time to make decisions.
When H’s dad asked us, right before he died, if ALL of the grandchildren were there in the house, we said, “Yes,” because we knew that would console him. (We lied, but I tell myself that our S was there, in spirit.)
No one gave any indication that they thought this was the wrong decision.
With a great-grandfather, the relationship is more distant, and if anyone dares give stink-eye in this situation, shame on them. I know people who missed their own parents’ and siblings’ funerals due to other important plans/serious inconvenience/distance/expense. No one should judge.</p>
<p>Our family has encountered this situation many times. Grandchildren could not attend funerals because of school, late stages of pregnancy or being out of the country. When my grandfather died right before Christmas, the entire family decided to ‘put him on ice’ so everyone could have Christmas at home and then travel to the funeral. You just Make the best decision you can.</p>
<p>Stinkeye? Egad sounds charming. And for the mil to still talk about missing a funeral while watching all the kids has issues of her own.</p>
<p>I didn’t go back to Ireland for my husbands mothers funeral. They won’t be flying back for my moms when it’s time. And thats fine. </p>
<p>Maybe I’m a bad person, but I wasn’t sad when my husbands mom died. She was 97, was having a really hard time and when she passed, it was a relief for so many.</p>
<p>I’m not cold, but grandparents die. It’s a loss. But it’s going to have to happen.</p>
<p>Jewish funerals are required to be as immediate as possible, so it’s quite frequent that family members can’t all make it. Personally, my take would be that the only reason to have your son attend is if he felt that it would help him with his own grieving process. What other people think is largely irrelevant.</p>
<p>I agree with the consensus above that your S is not beholden to attend this funeral, given the circumstances. Disregard any mindless negative comments from others in the moment, as all are suggesting. Maybe I’d be saying something back like, “I know, my son really wanted to be here, too, but just could not. What a sad day this is for all of us.”</p>
<p>But you asked if you were “missing” something. What I recall at college age from missing one grandparent’s funeral by necessity (and my entire family gave me a big “it’s okay” about that) is that my absence was hard on me because I didn’t participate with the family at that juncture. I didn’t realize it until that grandparent’s spouse died, 6 months later. I was able to fly in for that one, and I found myself tremendously upset while the rest of the family seemed more in the “it’s a relief” mode and gently joking at the house afterwards, while I was crying. I was pretty confused! I phoned my rabbi longdistance, who wisely told me that I was grieving the prior funeral at this second one, so I was on a different page than the rest of my family at that moment. It just caught up with me later. </p>
<p>Since he won’t have the same way to process his feelings from a distance, can you perhaps help him with it? The discussion about his presence at the funeral can obscure the sadness of losing a piece of his family which that person stood for. Maybe set aside some time with him to talk over what he recalls about this person, and so on. He might want to do some kind of thoughtful time wherever he is located, during the same hours as this funeral.</p>
<p>Just please be sure to tend and help him process his own feelings somehow, since the funeral won’t be attending him on that day.</p>
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<p>No, you aren’t wrong, in my opinion. I would reply honestly to any comments/questions about where he is. He had a previously scheduled service trip and that’s where he is. If people are rude enough to question that decision, then they don’t deserve any further explanation.</p>
<p>My condolences to you and your family.</p>
<p>what paying3 said.</p>
<p>I was going to join the “It is OK if he goes to the planned activity”" bandwagon, but I was trying to say something about trying to help him process. </p>
<p>I missed my grandad’s funeral when I was at college (40 years ago!!) and I don’t know if anyone gave parents the stink-eye, no one mentioned my absence to me later, but it always made me sort of sad to have missed it. The feeling catches me off guard to this day.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>This always makes me smile
That said, thats their problem. This is a great grandparent, and while yes, and important part of the family, its understandible if your s is unable to attend. The extended family will just have to get over their petty nonsense.</p>