<p>DH’s grandfather has passed away after a fairly brief decline, at 98. DH, myself and S1 are headed to the funeral midweek, several states away. S2 left this morning for a weeklong trip that has been in the works for months, a service trip where he will be working in rural communities repairing buildings, etc. </p>
<p>My ILs agreed S2 should not stay home in order to attend the funeral. DH agreed at first, but now is thinking the extended family is going to give us the stink eye. And to be fair, his grandfather was all about etiquette and propriety and following norms ---- but also a very dedicated public volunteer for the homeless. So “what would great-granpa say” could go either way.</p>
<p>I have held my ground against going to retrieve S2, yet I do see that his absence will be remarked upon. I think DH is too sad to be helpful here, and I’m okay with being the bad guy. S2 did write his grandparents a very nice letter for us to take, remembering my FIL’s dad fondly. Am I wrong to think it’s okay for S2 to stay away, even while I get that it isn’t a perfect choice? Any suggestions of what to reply to the comments?</p>
<p>^ I concur with post #2. Years from now the letter will saved and cherished.
Anyone so rude as to make a comment is way more out of line than your son (who is not out of line at all IMO).
ETA: Also concur with post #3!</p>
<p>I had to miss my grandmother’s funeral when I was in Mexico as an exchange student when I was in high school. No one in my extended family thought less of me or my parents for not flying me home. Imo, I think most people will completely understand given the circumstances.</p>
<p>I think that the meaningful combination of long-planned service trip plus letter wins out over attendance, especially if your ILs agree. If the extended family is looking for reasons to criticize other people’s relationships and actions, the hell with them.</p>
<p>Agree with all of the above. My D couldn’t come to my Dad’s funeral simply because it was near finals, far from home and expensive. My mom and the rest of the family were very supportive of her decision. It wasn’t perceived as uncaring or poor etiquette and nobody outside of the family made negative comments either. If they had I would have nicely put them in their place.</p>
<p>^^It is my experience that funerals and weddings tend to bring out the best and the worst in some families. My own grandmother’s funeral wake devolved into a argument over a piece of furniture. My MIL still talks about how I did not attend a family funeral ,even though I was there — I collected all our preschoolers and babysat them because it seemed like everyone needed that to happen. Anyway, I just wanted to get CC’rs input on whether I was missing something. DH’s family is very close, but very competitive amongst the siblings. I already got a phone call asking me to explain why S2 (“you know he’ll be the only one missing”) would not be a pallbearer (my FIL had passed our plans on). I said " he is sorry he cant be there, too. I know you made other plans, and so did we, but this was the decision we made with FIL" I know they’ll get over it, and they are sad, too.</p>
<p>Is there a Great Grandmother that is still alive? If not, I say you are perfectly fine keeping S2 on his mission trip. If there is a GG-mother–ask her what she thinks. Everyone else, if they have an issue with your S missing is only there for “propriety” anyway and why should their opinion count?</p>
<p>It’s okay. It’s just bad timing. Unless you think your son will regret not attending, I don’t see it as a big issue. You weren’t consulted on the date of the funeral, or you probably would have suggested a time when all of you could be there.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss. We had a somewhat similar situation while my son was away at school. The parties that needed to be consulted were and all was ok. But the rest of the family… I think at times, people feel it is their right to dictate all the shots. It is your right to ignore them. Please do.</p>
<p>My daughter did not attend her grandfather’s funeral. She was going on a trip for spring break at a new school and we felt as though it was important in her adjustment there. It did not even occur to me to consult anyone else about what they thought.</p>
<p>My daughters did not attend either of their grandparents funerals. The logistics and missing time from college made it too hard. The girls were wonderful to their grandparents when the grandparents were alive. I didn’t care what people thought either.</p>
<p>My brother and I both have kids at far-away colleges, and we and the spouses recently talked about what would happen if one of our parents passed during the school year. We decided that it would be too disruptive for the kids to be out of school for a week, and that falling behind in their schoolwork would not be much of a tribute to their grandparents. The four of us have agreed to back each other up, and if we get the stink-eye, so be it.</p>
<p>Just had a friend’s dad die and both of her kids were away at school and neither one was able to come home. It was fine. Your son’s visits with his grandfather while he was alive were much more meaninful than attending the funeral.</p>
<p>My 2 Ds, 3 nephews and niece did not attend my father’s funeral. Logistics were tough with out of town relatives and keeping it family only. While it saddened my mother, she knew the ideal of getting all 10 grandkids wasn’t going to work.</p>
<p>Your son has a service commitment that he can perform in honor of his grandfather.</p>