I wouldn’t let her commit anywhere until May 1. This relationship has only lasted 5 months, that’s 3 more months to see where things are headed.
I think this gives you more time to pick the brain of the boyfriend. I assume you know him and he spends time at your house. I think it would be easy to chat with him and try to get a read on his feelings about all of this. Try to get a feel for why he changed his mind on Furman and whether or not he wants your daughter at school with him or not. I would try to do it over multiple very casual conversations, not a big one time sit down.
Maybe grandpa needs to step in if you really think this is a bad idea.
Is it common for parents to inject themselves into a relatively short-term teenage romance ?
Genuine question as I have not encountered this before. (Just remembered that I have encountered something somewhat similar in that we were invited to vacation with the other family.)
Some families have their kid married off at the sign of a nice bf/gf - and in some cases, one child will spend a lot of time with one family but not vice versa. It depends on the families.
Here in the South, you have lots of 40 year old grand parents and 60 year old great grand parents - just to give perspective.
We’ve always been the hangout house so friends, boyfriends, girlfriends are always at our house and hanging out in our kitchen. So we usually get to know the kids pretty well. If they don’t have that type of relationship then clearly this wouldn’t work. At some point it seems the boyfriend’s mom interjected herself into the conversation so I don’t see why the OP couldn’t do it as well if she regularly sees the boyfriend. Especially when such a big decision is at stake (and Grandpa’s $$).
If things don’t work out for whatever reason (the relationship, the academics, etc), she can always transfer. Both of my kids did. Choosing what turns out to be the wrong college isn’t the end of the world. It’s a problem that can be solved.
OP said money is not an issue. But … my D actually got better need based aid when she transferred, and it cost less/year for S when he transferred. Merit opportunities can be, but are not always, reduced. Most students do not get huge merit or huge need based aid to begin with.
My perception is that if there are regrets it’s easier to transfer from Furman into CofC (but possibly not Honors) than it is to transfer from CofC into Furman. In part because CofC is state and Furman is private. Furman has a lot of requirements related to its Furman Advantage. Also, in my perception, more students finish Furman in 4 years than at CofC, so more class cohesiveness. My older son went to Furman (and no, it’s no longer religious leaning and has a good sized social justice element). He was a “poor” kid who got merit $. Another son got into CofC Honors but went to Clemson, in part because of a girl, and then they broke up 2 years in, but it was the right place for him academically. You said you’re local so it may not be an issue but we know several students who went to CofC and ended up transferring because of housing issues after freshman year. Affordable, decent apartments seemed to be hard to find. Furman has on campus living for four years- which has its positives and negatives.
My twins applied to only 6 colleges. CofC, USF, Elon,UMiami, UMich, Rollins. They heard back from CofC first and that’s the uni they are most likely going to. UMiami and CofC are their top 2. We love CofC. It’s a fantastic university for academics/support and sailing. My twins will really thrive there. We are really excited but have not committed yet as waiting to hear from the others. You cannot go wrong with CofC (unless she breaks up with bf and it becomes an untenable situation).
Housing adjacent to C of C is very pricey. Some walk 20-30 mins and it’s a bit better. The dorms are disgusting but I know they were renovating one a year. Berry, the Honors dorm, isn’t fit for a human. Not sure when renovation is happening.
NO - I don’t think it’s normal either. You have no idea! This mom invited my daughter on family vacation after less than 2 months, invited her to their family Thanksgiving and had a stocking for her at Christmas. She talks about them getting married!!! I know they can’t afford Furman - the boy would follow her if they could - but mom made sure that’s not a problem anymore. It’s all really weird and I would love to get her away from that family - but that’s another kind of forum!! LOL
Furman is my choice for many reasons, 4 years of housing being one of them. I only ask because you said you were the poor family with merit aid. She did get a generous merit scholarship and Grandad opened a 529 for her when she was a baby - that is the only reason we can afford it. Literally my only reservation about her going to Furman is being the “poor” kid and not fitting in. We are certainly comfortable but not extravagant luxury items and vacations wealthy. Can you tell me about the social scene - it’s probably different for girls than boys but was it a bunch of rich kids that an average girl may feel out of place?
Ohhh, this feels icky-familiar! We didn’t have this happen with a romantic partner, but we had a very similar experience with a high school “bff” whose parents more-or-less claimed our daughter as an honorary sibling for their only-child kid. The same stuff - wanting kid to come with them on trips, pressuring her to spend time at their house on holidays, rhapsodic social media posts, all the things. (Also weirdness like trying to teach her to drive without our permission, before she had her permit.) Luckily for us, their kid was intent on a service academy and ours definitively was not, so that preempted the whole going-to-college-together issue. But I mention it because we learned the hard way that this is a sign of emotionally-immature parents, and that their devotion to a designated honorary family member can backfire spectacularly when the day comes that they don’t get their way.
In our case, the bff started to get entirely too jealous and controlling, and our kid had to set limits which caused hiccups in the friendship. The kids probably would have worked it out, had the parents not gone into middle-school mean-girl mode and started bullying our kid. Trash-talking her to the kids’ other friends, pass-ag social media posts, and so on. It was juvenile and gross, and to this day (almost a decade later), their presence makes my kid a little uncomfortable about visiting our old neighborhood.
All I’m saying is, be extra careful with people like this. If/when the kids do break up - which is more likely than not at this young age - they can become more of a problem than the breakup itself. Trust your gut - if they’re giving you the ick, you’re probably not wrong.
My feeling is there are enough students at Furman in a similar situation (only can afford because of merit or other circumstance) that she won’t be alone or stick out if it doesn’t bother her. My son was a little uncomfortable / self conscious about things at first but he ended up with a friend group that was varied and didn’t care. He did join a fraternity, which surprised me, but he made some good friends there. He also worked (to pay for fraternity dues, activities) on campus as an RA and then in the student center so was around kids who also needed to work. At least while he was there, being an RA meant greatly reduced housing cost and they also were paid. I only have boys though so I can’t say whether it would be different for girls. I’m sure there’s more clothing, etc competition for girls. But really it seemed to me it wasn’t a “snobby” place at all. And thanks to Furman he now has a good job in the financial field and has a much higher standard of living than how he grew up.
I see where you may assume there is no difference in seeking comfort and familiarity with a friend vs a boyfriend but I think these two scenarios are very different. The stakes and probabilities are different. A best friend relationship is usually long term, providing emotional support and can be stabilizing during a big life transition. She probably thinks that is what this relationship will do for her however, this relationship is NEW and a romantic relationship at 17 is statistically and developmentally TEMPORARY. Best friends are usually flexible while young romantic relationships are more intense and exclusive. Sharing school choice with a friend because it fits you and because you’ll have a trusted friend for support is usually still focusing on the individual student’s independence. Choosing a school primarily to follow a boyfriend makes the relationship the priority rather than her own personal growth and transition to independence. It is not the same!
My D attended Furman freshman year (on a big scholarship). We aren’t well off, but she didn’t feel out of place financially … however, she did feel out of place socially. Furman is (or was, in the 2000’s) quite “southern.” Dress (not Midwest-casual), social scene (early on, the girls in the dorm were supposed to invite the guys to a dance by putting something on their dorm room door), that sort of thing. Strangely enough, though, she transferred to a medium sized school in a city in the south and didn’t find it to be as “southern” in that way. Many of the students at the new school were from wealthy families, but again, it didn’t impact her negatively.
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