Gaining confidence and self esteem.

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi all. I’ve had such great luck with my questions in this forum that I was hoping you all would be able to help me out with something else. Here’s my problem.</p>

<p>I’ve always been a shy, quiet person. I’m not one to just go up to someone and start a conversation and it takes me a while to warm up to most people. Once I do get to know someone I’ll talk about almost anything, but it takes a long time for me to get there. I’ve also realized that I will probably always be rather shy and quiet, and that’s fine with me.</p>

<p>That being said, I really need some advice on, as the title says, gaining confidence and self esteem. I’ve been trying for years to get a grip on things and work through this, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to overcome it. It’s usually stupid things too, like trying new restaurants or going out someplace new (I think I may have a touch of social anxiety). I also feel it’s really holding me back when it comes to deciding what I want to do with my life. I really want to go back to school, but have no idea what I want to go into. I’ve played around with several things, things that I think I would enjoy, but most of them involve dealing with people and the more I think about what I would have to do, the more I say to myself, “You can’t do that”. I thought becoming an EMT would help me get over the confidence thing, but I think it got worse after I became certified. I’m no longer an EMT because I just couldn’t handle (or at least that’s what I kept telling myself) dealing with people in times of crisis.</p>

<p>Anyway, I really don’t want to just start rambling on, so I’ll just leave it at this for now. What can I do, short of seeing a professional, to get over these childish fears? Is there anything out there, like those stop smoking tapes, that could help me (hahaha)? I look forward to any and all advice.</p>

<p>Dan</p>

2

<p>Can you find yourself a way to surround yourself with supportive friends? How about a service fraternity like APO? Members of groups like this tend to be supportive of one another.</p>

3

<p>I am one of those nutty people who believes you should just confront fears head on, that sometimes you really do just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get going.</p>

<p>For example, I used to be anti-confrontational to the point where I would get walked on. I decided to set on a path of standing up for myself. I started with pretty benign situations, like returning something to a store. Eventually, when no one yelled at me :slight_smile: I worked up to situations with greater stakes – asking for raise, speaking my mind to authority figures, etc. No one would mistake me for a pushover today.</p>

<p>Likewise, I used to be a terribly nervous public speaker. I was one of those classic people who, in answer to a poll, said they are more fearful of public speaking than death. I began to take leadership positions that would require me to lead a mtg or give a presentation. Yes, it was sweaty palms and shaky voice at first, but now I am quite comfortable in front of a large crowd and am even complimented on my delivery. Unimaginable 10 years ago.</p>

<p>So, I guess what I’m saying is what is the thing you most want to address? Once you conquer that, your self-esteem will naturally rise. If you think being shy is holding you back, maybe try Toastmasters, which will help make you feel more comfortable speaking to others. Is that something you could do?</p>

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<p>When confronted with one of these difficulties, ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” and be honest with yourself with the answer. I imagine that, almost always, the worst that can happen will not be very bad at all. Then, just as Youdont’say advises, go ahead and do that thing that gives you pause. The world won’t stop. You won’t die. </p>

<p>And keep doing this until you get past your fears.</p>

<p>If this doesn’t work, please do consult a professional.</p>

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<p>You gain self esteem by succeeding at hard things. Really. I agree with youdon’tsay you learn public speaking by putting yourself in a position to have to do it. I still hate initiating phone calls (my own little social anxiety phobia), but it doesn’t bother me at work. You might need a bit of therapy to get you over the hump. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Appearing shy and quiet is the mark of an introvert- not necessarily one of low confidence/self esteem. You mention other factors, however. You should read about the different personality types and figure out where you fit on the extrovert/introvert scale. Learning who you are and how different personality types approach the world may help you feel more self assured, ie have more self confidence. Not everyone gains energy from working with people, some are naturally best when given time to themselves. Since 3/4 of the population is extroverted to various degrees that personality type may seem to be what you should strive for, as it is for the majority. Maybe it isn’t right for you, learn about yourself and this knowledge will help you decide what route is best for you.</p>

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<p>Not sure that the above will help, but for me, it did at least once. I started having odd dreams of dying in my 20’s when I was 13. Started out every now and again and by the time I was in my early 20’s, I had such a dream (with slight variations) every night and had just become comfortable with that theme of dream - they were no longer causing me to wake up in a sweat or anything like they did at age 13. My boss explained that I could be programming myself to die young, which I had never even considered, but thought there was a chance that could be true, so decided I should stop having the dream, and managed to somehow wake myself up when that theme of dream began, and within only a week or so, I was over that dream being in my “dream cycle” - so at least at times, realizing something isn’t helping you (even if it might not be hurting you) and making a strong choice to change and just have your mind go, “No, not doing this anymore” (or in your case, perhaps, “Yes, going to start doing this more now” and going to restaurants or whatever) might help.</p>

<p>The other advice I had has already been given by others. Good luck to you!</p>

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<p>I feel for you, Dan, because my older daughter is very shy & quiet too. When she’s put on the spot to say something, either socially or at school, she freezes up. It’s almost like a mental stutter, where the fear of not being able to say something makes it likelier that she won’t be able to.</p>

<p>What seems to help her is to do some practices in a non-threatening environment. For example, she was terrified to go to a job interview for her summer job, so we did a couple of practice interviews. I’d ask her the typical job-interviewer questions and she’d try to come up with her best answers. If she blanked out, I suggested some possible responses and then let her try again. Rehearsal seems to help her a lot with class presentations, speeches, etc.</p>

<p>She will probably always be shy. I even started a discussion about it here, called “Schools where a shy person can thrive?” But looking back, I can see that she’s noticeably less <em>paralyzed</em> by her shyness than a couple of years ago. Some of it improves with time…or at least with experience. </p>

<p>In social situations, my biggest advice to her is, “Ask people questions.” Most people are more than happy to talk about themselves, and letting them do more of the talking takes some of the pressure off of you. And it gives you a reputation as a good listener besides! When they come up for air, ask a follow-up question. </p>

<p>Also, don’t rule out seeing a professional. That’s what they’re there for; there is no shame in needing help working through certain issues.</p>

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<p>Try reading this book (it’s got a chapter on social anxiety):</p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> The Feeling Good Handbook: David D. Burns: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217598023&sr=1-1]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217598023&sr=1-1)</p>

<p>The author has some great, practical insights (cognitive therapy).</p>

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<p>You might be interested in the resources at </p>

<p>[“The</a> Shyness Home Page”](<a href=“http://www.shyness.com%5D%22The”>http://www.shyness.com)</p>

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<p>I used to be very, very, very shy, and also was timid about trying new things. I was terrified of making mistakes or making a fool of myself.</p>

<p>What I found helpful were books like the classic, “How to make friends and influence people” and like “How to make small talk” (if you can find this book, it’s a wonderful one, too).</p>

<p>I also found it helpful to put myself briefly in new situations, and to – instead of making my goal being perfect in those situations – to give myself a pat on the back for trying those situations. </p>

<p>I remember, for instance, having the guts to go to a party by myself. It was given by one of my friends, and I was in my 30s. I was anxious about going because I feared I wouldn’t know anyone but the hostess, so I told myself that I would just have to stay for 15 minutes. When I entered, I told the hostess that I was sorry, but I couldn’t stay long. With the pressure of being perfect off me, I ended up staying until the party ended.</p>

<p>I’ve also found that doing volunteer work helps people get over their own shyness particularly when its some kind of volunteer work with people (as compared with doing something with animals or picking up trash all by yourself). You will have things to talk to with the other volunteers. If you’re helping people, your focus will be on helping them, not yourself. You also can learn excellent skills – conversational, telephone skills, etc. that you ca bring into the rest of your life.</p>

<p>Volunteer work also raises one’s self confidence and self esteem because you learn that you can make a positive difference in the world. Doing volunteer work is what helped my younger S get over his shyness. He’s now a funny, and effective group facilitator. Because his focus is on helping others, not criticizing himself, he isn’t self conscious. </p>

<p>Toastmasters is a wonderful, low cost, supportive way to learn public speaking and general conversational skills. </p>

<p>Shyness is one of the emotional problems that’s most easily helped by counseling, so don’t be shy about seeing a counselor or therapist. If you’re in college, you probably can see one for free or very low cost at your campus counseling center.</p>

<p>And don’t assume that you’ll always be shy. I’m now so gregarious that most people don’t believe me when I say that I used to be very shy. I also have been a professional public speaker, have facilitated groups, and throw what people say are some of the most fun parties in town. Since I remember what it was like when I was too shy to socialize, I make a point of helping people connect with each other at my parties.</p>

<p>Keep in mind, too, that something like 40% of people in the U.S. describe themselves as being shy. Most people are anxious about going into new situations and meeting new people. As a result, anyone who reaches out to them – even awkwardly – is appreciated. People really aren’t looking at you to criticize you. :)</p>

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<p>I hate to be around people who are confident all time and at all subjects and discussions. I stay away from them. I cannot trust them either, how do you know if person speaks with confidence about something that he really knows or just is trying to look confident? I found these people to be incorrect in many occasions.<br>
So, I do not see any problem with some people being shy. The world would be boring place if we are all the same, and by no means all very confident. That would be intolerable! Be proud of who you are, be friendly and polite to others and they will appreciate you. There is no reason to pretend to be somebody else. Not everybody is meant to be heart of the party, and it does not mean that they have most fun either, it just looks this way.</p>

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<p>LazyBum201-Hahaha. That was pretty funny.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the help. Phone calls is another thing I hate doing, but last week I was forced to make lots of them. We are remodeling our kitchen so I was calling drywall finishers, plumbers, etc all week. It really wasn’t that bad either. Tonight we are going to order our countertop and have decided to try out a new restaurant. This past weekend I also worked hard at work to at least say, “Good morning” to people that I work with. It’s going to be a slow process, but something that I’m willing to work hard at. Hopefully going back to school this spring will help things along also. Thanks again for the advice.</p>

<p>Dan</p>

14

<p>Dan - I’m wouldn’t recommending this approach for most people, but …</p>

<p>I resolved this issue by (a) getting a bunch of life experience, (b) suffering several years of bosses who could talk great but didn’t know S@@@ from Shinola, (c) taking a public speaking course, (d) taking on more sophisticated responsibilities and defending my performance, and finally (e) publishing my work and presenting it at professional conferences. Bottom line? You know a lot (already) and it’s highly likely you know your stuff as well as (or better!) than anyone. So relax, and realize you have some important things to say.</p>