Gender Fluidity, ADHD; need advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m hoping for some advice from other parents who may have been there, done that and have the t-shirt. Sorry in advance for the length of this post.</p>

<p>My D, who is a wonderful, funny, quirky girl was just diagnosed with ADHD. I’m a little relieved about the diagnosis as it explains a LOT about her behavior. We should have had her tested years ago because after reading the symptoms, she hits a lot of them. We are waiting for a referral to see a psychiatrist to talk to him/her about what D’s options are. D is a senior in high school and last years grades are not the greatest- hence the test. D also stated that she DID not want to go to college but we have compromised on thinking about CC for the first year. So that part is out of the way.</p>

<p>D has always been a tomboy so I really didn’t think much about gender identity being an issue. She is very much like me, and I was very much a tomboy when growing up. I’m still not very girly-girl but have gotten past the whole I hate having boobs, periods, emotional ups/downs when I was in my late teens (I went boy crazy at 18-19 years) so I was expecting the same from D.</p>

<p>D was recently sent a tank top binder from a friend and she was soooo ecstatic about getting it. She wears it during the day to school, and seems to really enjoy having the appearance of being flat chested.</p>

<p>Her and I have talked a little about what she’s going through and she finally mentioned gender fluidity; how some days she feels/identifies more with being a boy and other days she feels/identifies with being a girl.</p>

<p>I’m hoping that when we get the referral for the Psych doc we can find someone who can also talk to her about these feelings. Her ADHD results show she’s at risk for low self esteem and I think this may be part of that cause. In order to rule everything out, we are also waiting for a referral to see the endocrinologist so he can run some tests to make sure there is nothing wrong in that regard.</p>

<p>Her father and I have told her we don’t care what she identifies as; we both have friends leading alternate lifestyles (and this is not a sex/gay issue), so we don’t have a problem in this regard but more so of how do we help her be the best person she can be? I’m at a loss of what to say to her, I don’t want her to think we want her to change because that’s the last thing we’d want. We have always been a family of non-conformists, being different was never an issue…but I just don’t know what I can do to help support her and get her on the path where she feels about herself the way we see her- bright, funny, artistic…</p>

<p>Any ideas?</p>

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<p>No advice. But my DS who just started high school was diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago.
It seems a number of kids with ADHD can be fine in school until the rubber hits the road so to speak. Figuring out how to help them cope with it may take a while but I believe it’s doable. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Along with a psychiatrist, you need to find a therapist. The psychiatrist usually deals with diagnosis and medications, but is not usually involved in regular therapy - that’s usually done by a psychologist (PhD rather than MD). The psychiatrist may refer you to someone he or she works with, or you might need to find one on your own.</p>

<p>With a new diagnosis, a gap year might be in order. Community college may be a good option, but only if she’s on board, and it sounds like she is not. Unless your local CC is impacted, and cannot accept all students that apply, that should be a decision that can wait until the spring.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, because you waited so long for the diagnosis, colleges may be likely to consider it an “excuse” for her grades - it looks to them like diagnosis shopping. But if she isn’t planning on college, it might not be such an issue. If she attends community college, the diagnosis should open doors to getting accomodations if necessary, and once she established a history there, it is likely to be taken into consideration further along.</p>

<p>As for what you can do now, just be supportive. If she wants to wear the tank binder, let her - get her another one if she finds she can’t wear it as often as she wants because it’s dirty. Allow who she sees herself to be to shine through. It may sound extreme, but depending on her size, she might also consider reduction surgery. The daughter of a family friend did it, and it has made a huge difference. She never ID’d as fluid, but she is a tomboy, and always struggled with the size of her chest (E cup, so significant size, she’s now a B). Everyone thinks girls should love having a huge breasts, but many who come by it naturally hate them.</p>

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<p>You seem like fantastic, supportive parents. Don’t blame yourselves for not getting a diagnosis sooner. You are doing the best you can. Your daughter sounds like she is not depressed or terribly anxious so I think you are ahead of the game, frankly. Not insisting on college, now, seems like the right path. In addition to the professional opinions you are lining up, you might try to locate a psychologist or clinical social worker specializing in gender issues. Getting a child into mental health counseling is a big commitment and requires a lot of time and investment on your part as well as hers. It can be a long road but well worth it.</p>

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<p>I’m going to address the gender fluidity issue. You are lucky she opened up to you about this – and she is lucky to have a non-judgmental, supportive parent. I would continue doing what you’re doing, accepting her and being her No. 1 fan. Tell her you like her just the way she is.</p>

<p>If and when she brings friends around, do your very best to welcome them, too. </p>

<p>You’ve got a good foundation in being open and honest. Things will work out.</p>

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<p>

I think you should show her your post. It says everything beautifully.</p>

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<p>Chuckledoodle, it seems like you have a lot to deal with right now. I can definitely sympathize with all of your worries. </p>

<p>Who diagnosed your DD with ADHD? There are a lot of diagnoses of Adult/Adolescent ADHD these days by General Physicians. It has become a catchall for some Dr’s when trying to explain away certain behaviors. Your DD should see a Neuropsychologist for further testing. I would be interested to know where on the ADHD scale she fits (Zero to Negative 10 with Neg 10 being the most severe). Having a young child with ADHD that is -4.5 on the scale I can tell you that your DD is probably has very mild ADHD if she has made it this far in school without someone suggesting testing or without any extra help in the way of an IEP or academic intervention. That said, I know that ADHD does often go undiagnosed in girls. </p>

<p>Endocrinologist is a good idea as well. I would suggest a full Celiac panel if she has not already had one. Celiac’s can do a real number on a young girl physically and mentally (from malabsorption of nutrients). ETA: I am not saying this has anything to do with her possible gender identification issues. Just as it may pertain to concentration issues.</p>

<p>Keep us posted. I will be interested to see what you find out.</p>

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<p>Not sure if you are mixing up issues. Which sex one identifies with vs which sex one is attracted to are two different issues. A woman can span the entire spectrum of girly-girl to tomboy, and still be sexually attracted to men. Some women prefer heels, and some prefer sneakers. Some women prefer being “one of the guys”.</p>

<p>I don’t see a woman being a tomboy as an alternate lifestyle.</p>

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<p>OP, I don’t really have any advice, but just want to question whether my D is actually living part time at your house…senior year ADHD diagnosis, junior year greades not great, thoughts of being “pan sexual”, low self esteem (already seeing an endocrinologist.) Hugs to you, we are living the same life.</p>

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<p>A few observations-</p>

<p>OperaDad- What the OP is describing someone who may or not be transgender and may or may not be gay. These categories can be so fluid and they can be connected. It sounds like the OP’s daughter is more than simply a tomboy. As a child I was a typical tomboy. I spent all my time in the woods and wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress, but I never questioned what gender I belonged to and I accepted that I would grow up to look like my mother. Most TG persons, no matter how they act and dress, have a feeling something’s wrong with their gender assignment. As I said, these things can be very fluid, so OP’s daughter may be on a road that will eventually lead her to identify as trans, or she may always be gender-fluid. </p>

<p>OP- I think the advice to set your child up with a therapist is good. I would caution you to make sure your daughter knows this is for her benefit as she figures out who she is and how she wants to present herself to the world, not because you think there’s something wrong with her.</p>

<p>Depression and stress can look a lot like ADD in some kids. I think of this as “situational ADD.” The brain is overwhelmed by stressors and thus can’t function properly. The result is a kid who’s distracted and disorganized. This is not to say that your daughter doesn’t have ADD, just that it’s possible the symptoms that led her to be diagnosed may abate as the rest of her life normalizes.</p>

<p>It sounds like your daughter is lucky to have you as a parent. Good luck and feel free to PM me.</p>

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<p>I think you sound like a fantastic mom.</p>

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<p>Update and a thank you to everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. </p>

<p>To answer some questions- D was diagnosed as ADHD by a psychologist who administered 10 tests- CPT-2, BASC-2, WAIS-IV, Bender, HTP, TAT, hand test, MMPI-A, ISB and KFB.</p>

<p>Thank you for clarifying the psychologist vs psychiatrist- I always wondered what the difference was besides one prescribes meds and one doesn’t. We have several referrals in and are waiting to get the official paperwork. Although, we were lucky to get in to see a psychiatrist the first week of October. And while the psychologist that administered the tests was nice and seemed open, I’m going to see if I can find one in network who deals with both LGBT and ADHD. At this point H and I are more worried about her self esteem than the LGBT possibility. She will be whatever she will be and it will be up to us to adjust to however she identifies.</p>

<p>Thank you for the endocrinologist suggestion- I have it on my list of things to ask whenever the referral gets approved, along with the Celiac panel test.</p>

<p>D and I have talked a bit more about things going on in her life/mind and I have gently suggested she speak to a psychologist- that the doctor can be a person she can talk to that may be able to offer her suggestions on things to try in order to be happier with herself and not seem so down about things. But it will only work if she is willing to give it a try. She told me yesterday that yes, she would like to try. Now I need to find the right doctor.</p>

<p>It amazes me that she has doubts about her abilities. She is a great short story writer but always seems to second guess that what she writes is good. She started a novel last year about a serial killer and FBI agent, made it through two chapters and from what I read, I was looking for more. She seemed shocked that I liked it so much. And she knows that I’m not one to sugarcoat things to make you “feel better” for the sake of sparing your feelings. I don’t necessarily tell you that you suck, but when something isn’t good or is bad, I try to make suggestions that would help. This story she has started is something that I would buy from the book store.</p>

<p>Right now H and I are on the same page. I think deep down he thinks that she will ‘get over this phase’ but unless the doctors find something off kilter, I think this is going to be her world.</p>

<p>The other thing I’m leery about is meds for the ADHD, but that’s something to talk about with the new doctor. I’m hoping he’ll be able to offer some insight and a plan to start off slow to see how things are going to work.</p>

<p>Right now college is on the very back burner. D does have a somewhat challenging load and I have asked her if she wants to change the classes to go easier this last year, but she wants to keep her classes. She likes all of her teachers and the hard classes (AP Calc AB and DE English) seem to interest her. Plus math has always been easy for her- that’s the one class she never had to put much effort into. The school psychologist and IEP person are also going to keep an eye on her and we’ll play it by ear as the semester continues. Plus she’s been in a special program and changing everything would mean she would go back to ‘general population’ at her base school which would separate her from the classmates she has had for the last 3 years. These kids know her and accept her for who she is, so to take that away might upset the apple cart. I’m willing to let things be with the understanding that her grades may not be great, but since we are not thinking 4 year college, then it may not matter.</p>

<p>thank you again for your help. the people on this forum are great. ;)</p>

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<p>Lots of BTDT’s–I’m sending you a PM…</p>