<p>I just got out of one relationship and into another one and I’m starting to wonder how it is that you choose the person with whom you spend your life. </p>
<p>Do you fall into it over time? </p>
<p>Is there something special and amazing about your partner, that you loved before you even met them, that they embody?</p>
<p>Is it comfort? Impressiveness by your own personal standards? Both?</p>
<p>Did you try to “marry up” or did you try to rebel against your parent’s standards? (Or both?)</p>
<p>Just wondering how this works, for those happily married on this board.</p>
<p>All I can say is we were friends for years before I saw him in another light. I saw him in a uniform and it was like fireworks - lol</p>
<p>We have been married for 21 years and I am still loving every minute of it. And I could not have told you up front that I would love him more today, than when I married him.</p>
<p>He is kind and kind hearted. He is not romantic, so i don’t look for it, but he shows his love in many ways…like filling up the gas tank, doing laundry, bringing me home a magazine I might like. And no, he would never think of bringing me flowers or candy (unless you count Twizzlers). He is who is and yes he (and I) have faults, but we care and love each other and show each other just how much!!</p>
<p>Yes. 27 years and counting. We were friends first, too. I could list attributes—funny, intelligent, compassionate, generous, to name a few—but my guess is that most good spouses share many of these same qualities. It’s that elusive, inexplicable chemistry that seals the deal. And over the course of a couple of decades of shared experiences, a unique language develops, where a look or a word holds abundant meaning. It’s nice.</p>
<p>The person I always dreamed of? No. In fact after our first date, I wrote in my journal that he was a nice guy, but not my type. He does have all those qualities Mary13 listed, but he was a bit immature when we met and he rode a motorcycle, which scared me, and he wasn’t at all the kind of person I thought I was looking for. However, after a bit, we found that our basic values–faith and moral values, for example–were similar and that we were comfortable together and that each of us complemented the other. And when we became engaged, we considered it a lifelong commitment and have stuck to it through thick and thin. There have been tough times, as well as wonderful times, but we have been married for 30 years now and can’t imagine it any other way. He may not have been the person I thought I wanted, but he was the person I needed, and we have been good for each other.</p>
<p>In some ways, yes, in other ways, no, but it’s so much better than what I’d imagined.</p>
<p>I will never understand love at first sight, seeing as how I’m an engineer and I like to form all of my decisions, however minor, on some sort of rational basis. It wasn’t even love at first sight, it was far more like entrancement at first conversation. We talked for hours on that first date, and we told each other things about our families and backgrounds that I hardly discuss with my best friends, and I have no idea why I was so willing to bear my soul to him except to say that I had never felt more safe or more drawn to anybody, ever.</p>
<p>Puppy love cooled into a long-term relationship, which hit the skids into a long-distance relationship, during which we nearly dissolved. At one point, we made a conscious decision to stay together and repair our relationship, to learn how to disagree and how to complement one another. It was a slow process, but we learned to “fight fair” and to air our grievances without upsetting the other person.</p>
<p>Now, nearly nine years into our relationship (and a year and a half into our marriage), we both apologize when we’re wrong, we seek each others’ advice for our problems, we are completely honest with one another and we can discuss anything we’re feeling without fear of emotional consequence. We sit down and discuss finances every month. We discuss our five-year plans. We make each other laugh. We figure out where to go and what to do, and we’re both so happy to be a part of our little team. I never once imagined that this was what love is, but this is far better than just romance.</p>
<p>I am young and naive, and I’m sure that once life gets more complicated (we haven’t even thrown kids into the mix yet, so we’re well aware that that’ll throw us completely out of whack!) we’ll hit rough patches and snags, but so long as we’re still cognizant of what we’re up against and take steps to make sure that we don’t let our relationship fall into permanent disrepair, we’re going to take the time to be thankful and cozy with what we’ve got right now.</p>
<p>Married 23 years here…love at first sight, sure. Person I always dreamed of? No, because my dreams were immature and unrealistic. Didn’t even think about who was or wasn’t marrying up…
I would be concerned about making sure the person has the same long term goals, the same ethics and morals. If religion is important to you it should be important to them. Take a look at the family you will be marrying into. When you meet the right person, you will know it. If you are dating someone and you aren’t sure, back away.<br>
Don’t date people you want to change. They will not change after you marry them. The things you don’t like about them will become amplified.</p>
<p>I feel a lot of empathy for op-- I remember asking those same questions.
In my own case, I eventually realized that the intitial “rush” of attraction was not a good long term indicator of relationship durability for me. Although I thought my husband was handsome the first time I saw him, it wasn’t that palm sweating instant thing, it developed much more slowly, as i got to know his character and numerous good traits. </p>
<p>15 years later I love him more deeply and completely than I ever could have imagined.</p>
<p>ebeeeee, those are very wise words. Spouses are like shoes: the comfortable ones will fit even better with time, and the ones that give you a lot of pain to begin with will not change much.</p>
<p>H and I will celebrate our 35th anniversary in a couple of weeks. We actually knew each other since junior high (!!) but did not date until half way through college. I’m sure it helped that I already knew he was very smart, very funny and did things his own way. </p>
<p>One of the posters above mentioned making a point of “crossing out fools”. Very good advice! In my own case, I also crossed out anyone who didn’t strike me as a good long-term match after a couple of dates. I don’t think it is that hard to figure out if someone shares basic values and attitudes to the extent necessary to make a future together.</p>
<p>You asked if pleasing the parents played a role. I guess this depends on your parents, but–sorry mom and dad–I paid no attention whatever to their opinion. My father never did get over the fact that I married someone who ended up a professor rather than a guy “who actually worked for a living”. Seriously.</p>
<p>Married 31 years here. The person I had always dreamed of? - no. The person who was right for me - with all my warts? - definitely yes. Getting past the girlish daydreams and into someone real. Priceless. </p>
<p>Rebelling - never thought of it that way. A different kind of person than the folks I had grown up with, yes. But loving, caring, a life partner. The decision to get married grew on us gradually. The decision to stay married is with us always, good times and bad, ups and downs and sometimes when we are not particularly attracted to each other for a time. We have come through it all stronger. It’s a comfortable, loving partnership now.</p>
<p>Wow, thank you all for your wise words! It’s definitely given me a lot to think about. I’ve noticed that I tend to have a “deep comfort” with people who are abusive/self-centered/etc. based on my early childhood environment. It means that I need to be more analytical about my choices, I think.</p>
<p>Do you find that you married to achieve some larger personal goal (like redeeming a difficult childhood, finding someone to change the world with, becoming financially successful, etc.)? Or was the goal just to be with the person?</p>
<p>I am not sure but in 25 years of marriage (2nd marriage, first lasted 5 years) and living through numerous divorces in my family or observing divorced friends I offer this observation. In order for a long term relationship to be successful and blossom one must have what a long term relationship requires. LTR = love, trust and respect. If one cannot say “yes” when asked “do you love, trust and respect your spouse/partner?” (must be yes to all three questions) the marriage /LTR will not last. Try this test out yourself and you will obtain the answers you are looking for.</p>
<p>No larger goal. He was fun and fascinating to be with, still is. Penniless when we married, but I never worried about that; we lived the life of students for many years before we had anything close to a decent income. Now he is quite successful and we live a very comfortable life. That is not what keeps us together, though. If you don’t like to do the same kinds of things and enjoy being together, money is not the glue that keeps a marriage together.</p>
<p>My H and I have been together for 21 years, married for 20 - and as much as I liked him at first, he wasn’t what I expected to choose in a spouse. We had similar interests and temperament - hard headed and stubborn, truth be told. While every relationship has it’s ups and downs, I have to say that if you can laugh more than cry, and really like the person you are with - flaws and all - you are a lucky, lucky person, indeed!</p>
<p>I never really believed in love at first sight. Then I met future H. He wasn’t what I expected to “like”. I definitely felt drawn to him, even when I kept resisting, based on my past history of what I usually liked in a romantic partner. I liked his intelligence, and the way he approached situations and people. While we rarely agree with each other, and often disagree with each other, we still try to find a common ground, when possible. </p>
<p>I had been in a long term relationship with another boy in college and he was polar opposite of me. We struggled through things that shouldn’t have been a big deal. Too much conflict and drama. I had bought into that “opposites attact” mantra, which I found to be total bs for me. Being opposite didn’t make it easier, it made complications in the food we liked, the activities we liked to do like hobbies and dealing with small conflicts, and silly little day to day things just so much more WORK. </p>
<p>While I rarely agree with my H on everything, he and I have a different kind of respect and understanding. Sometimes he makes me madder than you can imagine, and other times I can’t believe how lucky I am that I have him as my life partner. Usually this happens within the space of about 15 minutes. He gets who I am, and I do him. </p>
<p>I don’t think you can really change people. If you go into a relationship saying “Oh I like so and so, if only he/she would do _______ differently.” Nope. Ain’t going to happen. This is trouble waiting to happen. </p>
<p>I am very fortunate. I wish you the same good luck with choosing the right person. :)</p>
<p>I like Songman’s description: love, trust, respect. My youthful first marriage came about for superficial reasons: “marrying up,” impressing (not rebelling against) my parents, having a life with never a dull moment. (We had lots of fun together: nice, but not deep.) It was a learning experience, but I don’t recommend a “test” marriage. It would have been great to get it right the first time.</p>
<p>My second husband is a perfect match, though I’m sure we look like the odd couple to some people. I knew he was the one when I realized that we loved, trusted, and respected one another. We’ve been together 25 years and married for 22 (can you tell I was a little skittish about commitment?). Our life gets complicated sometimes, but we’re in it together.</p>
<p>Going on 28 years here (when did that happen!). My husband is my best friend. Now, he is not the friend that I go shopping with or walk dogs with, but he is the one I always lean on. I can’t say it was love at first sight but it was a friendship that developed into more. I do remember seeing how he treated his parents and how his whole family interacted. I have fantastic in-laws. I would marry my husband again in a heartbeat. We have a lot of fun together.</p>
<p>The best thing I just read on this thread is, by BunsenBurner…lol…if the shoes are comfy, they’ll get better with time…etc.</p>
<p>It was love at first sight for me…though, I was rebelling too. I married someone my parents totally objected to, for a variety of ridiculous reasons. I LOVED his family and saw values I thought he would have…alas, just as I was a rebel, so was he! He’s the only one in his family that was divorced! He and I were divorced for 7 yrs, then remarried…lol…THIS time around, I think we both grew up. Things change, people change (on thier own) and times change. In our case, I think we had alot of extreme stressors which caused the divorce. Neither of us were ever really able to go on after the divorce, and were realllly close freinds, lol. Despite going into relationships with other people. Ultimately, nothing else worked. We say now, we were meant to be. It may not have been all wine and roses, but…I don’t think there is another person in the world who could put up with me, lol…and I’m sure of that about him…:)</p>