<p>As I mentioned in a former reply my “name” is Ellebud. If you remember I have the worst set of in laws…bigots and divisive ever. When my fil died mil moved into bil’s home. She paid them a REALLY good “rent”…and mil was, basically their support.</p>
<p>Then mil got cancer. MIL has been blind for 10 years or so. She was given a few months (we cancelled a European vacation in September because that was supposed to be the end.<br>
She’s still here…obnoxious, demanding, angry…and ill.</p>
<p>She has stayed here a few times. I took care of the venomous woman. She isn’t easy…she made fun of the Vietnamese people by mocking their language, (I tipped extra and apologized), she screams for her coffee…you get it.</p>
<p>Now at age 93 she wants to go to an assisted living with her family in New Hampshire. And mil and sil want her out…now. (They now qualify for social security) While I truly dislike them all…I have deep reservations about her traveling cross country to “family” that she doesn’t know, save for her brother who has the same cancer.</p>
<p>No, I don’t like her. No, this isn’t about money for us. (It was for bil). It is about (in my mind) about a mother who, when times were tough supported her other son…and now she is too difficult to take care of her (I mentioned a full time caretaker to ease the load) she’s gone. and social security kicks in…she out.</p>
<p>Does anyone have suggestions? (Other than waving good bye?)</p>
<p>I like the waving goodbye option. If she wants to go, that’s like 98 percent of the battle. What is the downside?</p>
<p>Editing to add: Is she open to an assisted living situation closer to you and the bil/sil? Is your concern that you or the bil/sil might need to be in New Hampshire if that arrangement doesn’t work out? Even if the bil/sil are similarly miserable people, if they’ve sheltered a miserable, seriously ill elder for an extended period, I’d say they’ve done well by her, whatever the payoff, and maybe it’s okay for all to move on.</p>
<p>Ellebud, I remember your stories about this woman. Yowzer.</p>
<p>To clarify the current situation: Your MIL is currently living with your BIL and his wife, paying them lots of money for “rent.” Now that BIL and wife are receiving Social Security, they don’t want/need her anymore, so they want her to move out. The MIL in fact wants to move out also, to an assisted living facility in NH – but now she’s currently on the West Coast, or some equally far-away place?</p>
<p>If MIL and BIL and his wife are all OK with this move, I say, Why not??</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, be aware that moving is a fairly strong predictor of accident and illness. It’s a major stressor for all, not only the elderly.</p>
<p>People who have moved into an assisted living facility or nursing home, often present with situational depression–adjustment reaction as we say in the trade.</p>
<p>Very Happy: Yes we live on the west coast. Yes, she is a horrible person (unless one is a rich WASP with “important social connections”). I know she wants to be the grand dame of the facility…which she isn’t here. </p>
<p>Perhaps, when depersonalizing the situation…I feel badly for an old woman…left alone at the end of her life. (We have, in reality, bought her lots of things to help her…dress her…I called her once a week to say hello. This stopped last year when she called me and called me a conniving Ki…based on the fact that I wanted to take the family movies to be made into a dvd. (which I did). </p>
<p>I just keep getting visions of putting her on an ice flow and sending her out to sea.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like sending her to assisted living in New Hampshire is tantamount to the ice flow concept, but it’s also something she seems to want. So what’s wrong with that?</p>
<p>ETA: She wants it, the SIL and BIL want it. Just because it’s a long trip and a long distance is no reason to stop her from going.</p>
<p>In fact, I think you’d be nuts to stop her from going.</p>
<p>My 83 yr. old mom just “divorced” her 88 yr. old sister who is also a mean, rotten, nasty, selfish, demanding, piece of work. </p>
<p>She has alienated every one, even her daughter (only child) can barely stand to be in the same room with her and only flies down to where she lives if it’s an absolute emergency.</p>
<p>There is no easy answer. If you want to make her happy, maybe the best thing is for her to go where she wants. It is what she wants. If you want to make yourself happy, the best thing is likely to give her what she wants. But if you start to think about what is “best” for her, whatever that may be, then you have a mess. Is it “best” for her to be unhappy? Is it best for her to forego this move? I don’t know. No one can know. </p>
<p>My grandmother was moved at age 89 to be near her oldest son. I have no idea whether that was good or bad for her because the truth is she was 89 and didn’t have long to live. She could converse and would be considered as generally with it but not all there but she was losing her moorings to this world. In the bluntest words possible: I doubt it matters. </p>
<p>So my advice is to think about what matters to her. She doesn’t have that long here. It isn’t so much that there is a good or bad choice but that all choices come to the same near term end for her. Given what you’ve described about her personality, it might even be perverse to deny her the pleasure of having her way.</p>
<p>How much of your reservations are really about feeling that BIL & SIL should keep on taking care of her as a kind of punishment for their mooching off of her in the past? If that is part of your thinking, just let it go. Chip in for the plane ticket. Let the old lady spend her last days/weeks/months/years with her brother. I truly fail to see a downside to this.</p>
<p>Hire a nurse to fly with her to New Hamphsire asap! I remember your stories about her and about you and your family. You are probably the only one who is even concerned for her at this point. Take some advice that I was given by a doctor and have difficulty following, be kind to yourself!</p>
<p>Hopefully you won’t be expected to travel across country to deal with whatever hornets nest she stirs up there, and from your description, there will surely be one. </p>
<p>Who is her POA? Who handles her finances, bills, etc? If this is a financially reasonable decision and she is competent to make this decision, as bad as it may be, then let it go. Besides, it should be your DH’s conccern, not yours.</p>
<p>I truly want to thank all of you. You are all correct/insightful and helpful. You all have touched on all the issues at play.</p>
<p>Re: Bil and Sil…I do not believe that they should have a life’s sentence of misery and servitude. They have each other to make misery out of the two of them. We are truly thankful that we don’t “need” her money. The few times that we have seen them since fil died it became apparent that while their initial hatred is now hatred that the “sure” thing for them didn’t work. The heiress was disinherited and bil never was successful.</p>
<p>I think that my reluctance is that Mr. Ellebud will never hear from either of his parents is the “I love you. I am proud of you.” When Mr. Ellebud’s father lay dying I told him to talk to his father…tell him what you need to say so that Mr. Ellebud could live with himself. He probably won’t have the opportunity. MIL did say, prior to her last surgery that she “forgave him”. For what? I don’t know. Probably had something to do with his childhood.</p>
<p>Bil was in charge of the investments and royally screwed up. Mr. Ellebud has taken over and he has helped to recoup money. (Yet another “failure” of Bil…this said by his wife…not me.)</p>
<p>Thank you to all who replied. Whether we say good bye here or in New Hampshire I want us to know that we did our best despite the circumstances.</p>
<p>Ellebud, I’m afraid deep-down you probably know the answer.</p>
<p>If she moves to New Hampshire, then every bad thing that happens thereafter will be your fault, because you let her go and didn’t try to stop her, because you didn’t care.</p>
<p>If you make alternate arrangements, regardless of how much better for her they are in reality, you will be denying her wishes to go to New Hampshire and everything will be your fault.</p>
<p>Given her track record, unfortunately I don’t foresee any other outcome.</p>
<p>This woman is a survivor! Let her go. She will probably outlive everyone. Send her nice cards and keep her in your prayers. (only to help you reconcile any guilt you may feel)</p>