<p>My D went to camp one summer and forgot her tennis shoes. She knew that the camp did not allow flip flops and that she needed closed toe shoes. </p>
<p>It was a music camp so she did bring shoes to preform in. Those and her flip flops that she knew she couldn’t wear. She was so blipping arrogant when I tried to help her pack, I was so annoyed.</p>
<p>I sent her tennis shoes and nothing else. No cookies, no candy, just shoes, that cost me 8 bucks to send. She still grouses at me about that. </p>
<p>My H asked me if our S called tonight. No, he’s too busy having fun. My H is more annoyed that I am, of couse he never calls HIS mother.</p>
<p>Isn’t it nice that they get so self absorbed that they don’ think anyone else matters…not that mom and dad might be missing them and an email or call might make the parents feel better, no its all about the student be so self involved that those that were there for them for 18 years don’t matter</p>
<p>I find it very selfish to not call on a Sunday even to touch base…sure they need to have freedom, independance, etc. but does doing something nice for someone else, mom and dad, take away from that independance…if the student thinks it does, that is really sad</p>
<p>I don’t think, oh, I am not a phone talker is an excuse…these kids are on the computer all the time and a paragraph home is simple, if they just CAN"T talk on the phone</p>
<p>Sorry if I am harsh, but to some children its all about THEIR needs, no one elses, and if they see that mom and dad need to have a brief contact once a week when their charges go off to college, why not endulge them…</p>
<p>Last week I was chatting with a coworker and she said she would like to see her grandchildren sometime soon. I assumed they lived out of town, but she proceeded to say they live a few miles away. She always waits for her sons to call her with an invitation to visit. She feels calling them is interfereing in their family life. How sad.</p>
<p>When my daughter went to college I was quire clear I wanted to hear from her at least once weekly. How can you live closely for eighteen years and then just turn it off? I don’t want to be like my co-worker just waiting for a call and then feeling resentful when it doesn’t come. If our children don’t know what we expect they risk disappointing us when they don’t mean to.</p>
<p>My daughter and I both look forward to our weekly phone calls, as well as occasional emails. And neither of us feels like we are intruding on the other’s space because we have discussed expectations.</p>
<p>My parents have eight children and manage to talk to each one at least weekly. We’re a tight knit family who enjoy each other’s company. And perhaps the credit for this lies in my folks making sure routine and regular communication was an expected part of family life.</p>
<p>I think it is a male thing. Since the D speaks to him via IM, you know he is alive and well.<br>
Only you can decide it if is necessary to make him call you. Since he is at SC maybe you can compromise by having him stand in front of Tommy once a month or? so you can see him on the webcam.</p>
<p>wow, it is amazing what we let Son’s get away with because its a male thing…I would be you that Son can figure out how to contact some girl he is interested in…yeah, he can use the technology then…s better</p>
<p>Whether or not it’s a male thing, the last thing I just said to him (he said he had to go & eat dinner now before the dorm cafe closed) is I expect to hear from him at least once/week. We’ll see how it works, since he keeps coming up with things he wants me to send (calls for that only & then wants to hang up). ARGH! It’s irritating, but actually, he was somewhat like this when he was living at home, only he was generally in the living room on the computer, so at least I knew where he was. (Sister also attended same HS as him, so every once in a while I’d get some info that way as well–don’t understand why they make it so tough to get info. <sigh>)
Will wait until he acknowledges the care package I recently sent and sets up a day & time for weekly contact before I send anything more, tho I do have his suit packed for mailing, since he said he needs it for engineering interviews (tho he wouldn’t elaborate on what that’s about).</sigh></p>
<p>D is a freshman and not only has she called a few times already she has been enthusiatic to share what is going on in this new chapter in her life and genuinely interested in what is going on at home.</p>
<p>She shared her schedule so we know what times work for her. She is not a big IM user or emailer, so if we need something from her we call her cell. Being on a family plan does make things convenient.</p>
<p>For us it’s a family thing. My daughter and I are very close. When she’s home we do things together all the time and when she calls we usually have nice long talks, but she has never called often. I found that I would be much more frustrated if she called and then could only talk for a minute or two then if we only talked once a week and had a relaxing conversation. But, it was my daughter that pretty much laid down that rule. The best thing about talking to my girl is that we have conversations, not question (me) and answer (him) sessions.</p>
<p>“She feels calling them is interfereing in their family life”</p>
<p>My own mother lives in the same town with me. I try to call her every day or two, but sometimes I get busy and a few days go by before I call. When I do call she’ll say that she wanted to talk to me earlier, but didn’t want to “bother” me. I can’t seem to get it through to her that the phone does work two ways! We have a good relationship and if I am busy, I’ll tell her and call her back. When it is left to one person to always do the contacting, it can start to feel more like an obligation.</p>
<p>I can’t agree that it is a boy thing. Both my sons call their grandmother every week or two without any prompting or suggestions from me.</p>
<p>Not a male thing in our home. Our dd has barely communicated with us after 2 weeks. We had agreed on a weekly call, and she is not following through.</p>
<p>We were given a great idea at one of the parent sessions during orientation, but I guess it will only work once, lol:
The dean of students said that if you don’t hear from your kid within an acceptable period of time, write to them and say “we thought you could use the enclosed $100- enjoy.”</p>
<p>Of course, there is no enclosed money. </p>
<p>I’m trying it. My H says if she doesn’t call weekly, the next letter will say, “the monthly tuition payment is due on the 1st. No call, no pay.”</p>
<p>Just remembered what one of my friends did. Her daughter was not calling, even after several messages were left on her voice mail. This daughter did not have a stellar freshman year academically, so parents really wanted to at least keep in touch weekly. After 2 weeks went by with no response from their messages, they discontinued her cell phone service. Believe me that she quickly borrowed a phone and called home about her phone not working. Her parents told her that they thought phone must have been lost or stolen since she evidently wasn’t getting her messages :).</p>
<p>My neighbor said that at least their daughter-in-law is good about conversing when they call (their S graduated a few years back & is now married). They said she’s MUCH better about keeping in touch than S & they have nice chats with her.
On the other hand, my brother wrote regularly to all of us when he was away in grad school & would xerox the letter & send it to me, my folks & my sister (since sister & I were away also). I also wrote regularly & tried calling but my dad would always abruptly hang up as soon as he ascertained that I didn’t need money.</p>
<p>I have to agree with the poster that said it isn’t necessarily a gender issue, but rather a family one. With 3 boys and 2 girls, 4 have been away so far there really wasn’t a difference in male vs. female in the amount of contact or quantity. There was a difference in if they sent snail mail vs. a telephone call or more recently AIM but not in how often.</p>
<p>Granted we are a really close family and they do call daily and speak to one another about everything and anything. The ones that are away at school all call each other so it gets a little crazy with regards to who said what to who about what! So if youngest brother had a bad day at school EVERYBODY knows within hours and youngest son doesn’t want to answer the phone. Middle DD went cliff diving this past weekend and all the boys had to know and give her grief. Of course, they all wished they were with her.</p>
<p>I think since it was in our family’s nature and past to be extremely nosey about each other’s business and involved in every aspect of each other’s lives, the distance of college hasn’t changed that. It has changed our mode of transfering the information to each other, but they still seem to do it at lightening pace!</p>
<p>Since they are all financially responsible for their college tuition and expenses I really don’t have or will ever have a financial carrot (or stick) to offer. They know if I call I have a pretty good reason, but not necessarily, and it is in their best interest to give me a call back ASAP. Oldest son and daughter had a hard time getting a hold of everyone this past summer (we didn’t have cell phones) so they went in together a bought a plan for the whole family. </p>
<p>So now we are all IN. They pay the bill and monitor the minutes and texting. I have yet to decide if I like it. If they know I am the grocery store, they call. 10 times. If I am at another kiddos’ school they call and complain I am not visiting them. They call before I get on the plane, while I am on it, after i get off. I have disabled my voice mail.</p>
<p>The phones have a camera in them. So DD takes a picture of herself in a skirt and sends it to us to ask if her “bottom looks big in it?” The boys, of course, send back a big YES…even though she is a size 2!</p>
<p>They are all on different time zones so this has been a little difficult. Maybe at Christmas when they are all home I will give back my phone. Although when oldest was delivering a foal (they were late this season) she did send pictures to all of us and that was awesome. The cliff diving pictures were scary.</p>
<p>I am sure any of my boys would love to talk someone else’s ear off besides mine…but I warned you!</p>
<p>I guess my son has always had a need for a large “personal space.” It’s just continuing now at college, as it has always been. My D doesn’t understand why we should expect S to be communicating more when he never has been very “chatty.” I guess we will have to figure all of this out.</p>
<p>We were in the boat with most families here, waiting for that rare call or email from our son. I agree with others that kids handle leaving home in different ways. In our case, we realized that our son was homesick and didn’t want to hear our voices because it made him more homesick. For him, keeping us out-of-sight (or, in his case, out-of-hearing) was definitely out-of-mind. By year end, he didn’t miss us as much and it was easier for him to call, write, and visit.</p>
I never heard from my son when he was in college the first time around, either… but I hear from him regularly now. I found that he was much more interested in maintaining contact after he was on his own financially. (And no, he doesn’t ever call wanting money – he has even turned down offers of money several times). </p>
<p>I’m wondering if there is a certain tension created when the kid is away for the first time and wanting independence, but at the same time feeling beholden to the parents for their financial support – and may feel especially conflicted knowing the financial strain it puts on the family. In short, it’s hard for young person not to feel a little guilty when they are partying and enjoying their new social life and their parents are paying $40K a year. So maybe that also leads to some psychological reasons for to want to avoid contact.</p>
<p>Once the young person is truly independent and able to fend for himself financially, the dynamic changes. Now he is a young adult and feeling proud of himself for his accomplishments, and eager for someone to share news with who will be duly impressed… and all of the sudden it’s nice to call home. </p>
<p>Just a thought… anyway, now its my daughter who doesn’t call, although she’s pretty good about calling if I send her an email or text message and ask her too. But I’m not getting calls out of the blue from her like I now get from my son.</p>