<p>My son never called the first year. He did respond to e-mails, sometimes. Lately, he has called several times (like once a month) to chat, starting toward the end of year two. At first it worried me, because it was so unusual. He’s home right now on break, and seems very happy with the way things are going. I think he feels like he is somewhat independent now, and so is able to call just to talk. I guess until recently, he thought calling would make him seem dependent on his parents or something? Just a guess–but yeah, kind of what Calmom says above, though in this case, he is still financially dependent, but I think in other ways he feels he has been making his own decisions, calling the shots, etc.</p>
<p>don’t we find it ironic that in this technological wonderland, kids don’t find a away to connect with family, that somehow connecting means they are not independent…truely amazing</p>
<p>I remember back in my college days, with no cell phones, internet, etc, kids called home collect on Sunday nights…most girls I knew did- maybe just for 5 minutes, but they did</p>
<p>With so many ways to say, HI!!! even the busiest, self centered kid can do it, or even the homesick ones</p>
<p>This summer I spent $$ to send my D to England, she called and told me thank you often…it was a gracious classy thing to do…</p>
<p>I think we need to its a control issue on the students part, which, when you think about it, is a kind of immature way to display independence…</p>
<p>To whoever said about IMing their child at home - My mother does that all the time. I used to get on her about it, but I’ve given up. When she’s not doing the IMing she yells for me over and over until I respond… at least with an IM I can say “okay”. I get told when dinner is ready, that she is going away, etc. My little sister IMed me a few weeks ago and asked if she could borrow $5. I said sure, and then she asked me to please bring it to her! I was like, get off your lazy butt and come get it.</p>
<p>Fendergirl, when my kids lived at home, we used to IM each other all the time. My son figured out that using IM was usually an easier and faster way to transmit files from one computer to another than trying to do it via the home network. Since we went wireless, sometimes we would even all be together in the same room with our laptops, and sending each other emails or IM’s. Also we sometimes use our cell phones for room-to-room communication – sure beats shouting.</p>
<p>citygirlsmom, I don’t think this is a moral issue. Yes it is an immature way of showing independence, but in this context “immature” means normal for 18-20 year olds, even though it is inappropriate for age 25. It really is a time when they are conflicted and trying to assert their independence, and for many too much contact can also limit their growth and lead to greater homesickness. When my daughter did her foreign exchange in high school, she was advised to call home only once every 3 weeks – the foreign exchange people felt that it helped students with their adjustment to their host countries and families to limit contact home. (It didn’t work out that way for us - we ended up talking more frequently despite the advice) But the point is, if that’s the advice they give for a 16 year old, maybe its also good advice for an 18 year old who is trying to adjust to a new life. </p>
<p>I know that you feel that you want more contact with your own children – but you don’t have sons so you really don’t understand what we mean by the “male thing” – and your kids aren’t in college yet. My kids traveled away from me many times during childhood, and even when my daughter was gone for 4 months straight living in a small town in Russia, it wasn’t the same as it is now that she is in college. </p>
<p>College just is a bigger, more significant, more difficult transition. The day the kid boards the plane or the parents drop the kid off at campus, the kid knows and the parents know that it will never be the same between them again. Yes the kid will call, yes the kid will come home for breaks and vacations, but the parent-child relationship has forever been altered in fundamental way, and both the kid and parents know they need to learn to relate to one another as adults to adults. As long as the parent holds the pursestrings it’s hard to do, and it is especially hard the first few months when the child is exposed on a daily basis to things that are normal and typical for college life, but that she or he knows the parents would never approve of, or at least would rather not know about: drinking, sexual activity, or simply ridiculously late hours, etc. </p>
<p>Both parents and offspring are feeling their way, slowly, in this new relationship, and both probably benefit from more distance while they get their bearings. It is very, very hard for us parents to let go – but this is the time that we have to – and that it why it is simply not analogous to the summers away in high school, or even when youngsters go off to boarding school. What you have to let go of is not the child, but the role you have played in the child’s life since they day they were born. You still have a role or relationship, but its not the same – and for a lot of kids, phase 1 requires distance. </p>
<p>As to the male thing: well most males have a different style of communication than females. Whole books have been written about it. Scientists have studied it. Men tend not to chatter as much as females. There are exceptions, of course - but for the most part, males tend to be uncommunicative unless they are in the mood to hold forth on whatever they are fascinated by or have decided they are experts at, which often isn’t the same thing that their moms want to talk about. </p>
<p>The mother/son relationship is particularly delicate, because boys don’t like being bossed around by women (or anyone else usually), but parents generally are in the habit of bossing around their offspring – so what you generally get a situation of very little information released in response to direct questions. I simply have learned over the years how to understand and interpret my son’s language, or lack thereof. It isn’t rudeness, it is the way he is. What would be rude and inconsiderate would be for me to take offense. I am close to my son, in many ways closer than my daughter, but we don’t talk all that much, especially not about personal issues as opposed to news or politics. That’s just the way he is. If I called to just to ask how he was doing or because I was feeling lonely, he would think it an odd reason to call and wouldn’t know what to say. But it made perfect sense for me to call last night with the devastating news that Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray, and we spent a good ten minutes chatting about the crocodile guy.</p>
<p>Actually, just finished talking to some parents who have grown sons living independently (graduated from college). They said their sons still mostly answer in monosyllables & they get MUCH more info by talking with the women in their lives (particularly when their sons are out-of-town). They have real conversations with the women. <sigh>
Some of the most engaged conversations I’ve ever had with my S was when we were driving home from school & S was capitivated by some current event or other & wanted to discuss it. He rarely talks about what he’s doing or thinking, but listening to him talk about his views was very interesting. He’d have these conversations with his dad from time to time, when it was just the two of them in the car. Even when he was learning to talk at 6 months, S was very private & would NOT practice speaking if he knew anyone was listening or could hear him. D, on the other hand, is much more gregarious and social & talks about how she feels & how others feel. She shows a great deal more insight into the feelings of everyone.</sigh></p>
<p>Calmom,
You’ve raised an excellent point about guys being more interested in talking about events then feelings or what’s going on in their lives. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my son were about issues that he was interested in or books we’ve both read.</p>
<p>calmom:
Really excellent post. So true!</p>
<p>As moms we simply need to just accept that our boys may be different from us – potentially, a lot different. It’s fine. They’re great, but my sons just ARE different from me and other women/girls/sisters/nieces I know.</p>
<p>Well, Calmom’s description of male communication certainly has resonated with a lot of us. I found that if I had something I wanted to talk about with my sons, it was easiest to do it in the car while driving somewhere. A lot of boys are uncomfortable with talking about feelings or important issues in a face-to-face way. If you can do something along side them, I think it’s easier for them to open up. Of course, that’s almost impossible when they are in college.</p>
<p>What HIMom said made me think about the conversations I’ve had recently with both kids. D is concerned about her thesis and is outraged by Freud’s treatment of Dora; S talked for 45 minutes about his engineering project (which is so specific saying anything would identify him). Perhaps instead of hoping our kids will call and <em>talk</em> to us, we should identify the questions that they will enjoy answering. In my son’s case, “have you tried that new restaurant?” can evoke quite a stream of commentary; in my daughter’s case, “what have you read lately?”</p>
<p>Neither of them want to tell me what assignments they’re working on, what their professors’ names are, whether they’re eating right…</p>
<p>calmom…another compliment on your excellent post. HIMom, here’s another mom whose son doesn’t communicate much when away (he is about to be a college junior, and is also gone a good part of the summer, so have been living with this for a while). Does call when he needs something but rarely (never?) calls just to say hello. I have had times when this really bothered me, but there is really not much to do about it. I am not going to change him. Any artificial constructs like a rule that he call every Sunday would remain just that: artificial.</p>
<p>I truly believe that for some kids, and yes I do think there is at least a male tendency here, they really somehow feel ill at ease calling or being called–perhaps it’s more by parents, but also just generally are ill at ease with the telephone. I don’t think they are self-centered, just ill at ease and perhaps for freshmen in particular, it is also that all their emotional energy is being spent on getting used to their surroundings and they really just don’t have anything left to call and check in with their parents. As long as you are fairly sure that they are doing okay and not having any major problems, cut them slack and leave them be. (I have probably violated my own advice more than I have followed it.) There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship with them. </p>
<p>Also, sometimes I think the best way to get them to communicate is to be quiet and not call. Eventually they wonder what’s up and call! (and then the struggle on my part is not to ask questions, because then he clams up again!)</p>
<p>BTW–S talks extensively on telephone with GF, so he has successfully overcome whatever it used to be about the telephone where he seemed to think it carried some kind of disease…</p>
<p>Well, my son sent me an essay last night that he wanted comments on – and its not due until Wednesday. (how’s that for maturity? now that he’s 23 he plans ahead). We had a good back and forth email over that - though not an in-person conversation. It was a really nice essay… and I was touched that he was asking my thoughts on it.</p>
<p>calmom-- I’m a little jealous :). My sons will probably NEVER ask my advice on an essay . . . For that matter, I don’t know that any of my daughters ever will either. Well, maybe the social one will. Yes, of my five kids, I have ONE who is very social.</p>
<p>I was the grammar Nazi of choice for my D from 7th - 9th grade. She would print out her essays and bring a red pen and we would go through them together. Haven’t seen one since, including those for college admission and merit swards. The baby bird left the essay nest long ago.</p>
<p>This is quite the interesting thread here. I’m a college junior and have the opposite problem–my parents never call, rarely e-mail, and have a hard time returning my calls. I’ve tried to communicate, and don’t really know what the issue is. We’ve never bonded though…never been close even before college.</p>
<p>I get a check and a card on my birthday, but even though I’m 4 hours away they never find time to visit and I only make it a couple times a year. Usually christmas and a couple times during summer. I live here for summer for classes and work too.</p>
<p>It’s nice to see that you all care so much! I would love to get an unexpected care package, or even a phone call some time. I can’t remember getting a phone call or e-mail that I didn’t initiate. I hope all your kids appreciate you. =)</p>
<p>Calmom-Great post.
Himom, I didn’t realize son had agreed to contact you ea week.</p>
<p>Well, my son is dyslexic, so he knows that he needs a human to catch the spelling mistakes that the spell checker misses – and since he’s living in an off campus apartment and is new to the college/community, I may be the only human available for late night email exchanges. In any case, both kids have always brought essays to me for critique, as do strange kids on these boards. I am very good about offering constructive criticism in a positive manner, interspersed with lots of praise - so I guess they see the mom-check as a useful and relatively painless service.</p>
<p>In other news, today has been my day for girl-communication. You know that urban myth about men using 2,000 words a day and women using 70,000? Well I got all 70,000 from my daughter – good thing we have unlimited mobile-to-mobile calling. There is a difference between male/female brains as far as the decision making process goes, too… females like to talk things out in great detail with much dramatics. It’s all about a first day of classes that is double-loaded because my d. is also checking out other classes during the “shopping” period. (Maybe at a women’s college it is a mistake to call the course selection process “shopping”…???) Anyway, much tzimmes - I do think it takes about a million words to work around to the same point with a daughter that can be reached in 20 words with a son.</p>
<p>I’ve found 3 topics that will provoke more than monosyllabic responses from my son:</p>
<p>1-Talk about a book you’ve both just read. He always opens up.</p>
<p>2-Discuss TV shows, like 24. or Family Guy, etc</p>
<p>3-Medical ailments. Let’s face it this is the ultimate male thing. This week I had a nice 15 minute talk with S about…heartburn!</p>
<p>I have now sent two sons off to college. Each calls me a couple of times a week. We discuss many topics including emotions. However, my talks with them started way before college. We talked since they were young and they share so much with me. It has always been a concerted effort on my part. Sometimes it takes many many attempts to get their response. My oldest son recently called at 11:50 to talk out relationship issues and job problems with me, totally unsolicited. (He does forget sometimes that we live in real people time and not college life time frame)
So if you have young sons, start now, talk often and don’t assume they wont talk because they are boys.</p>
<p>This is essentially my mother’s complaint about me…that I never call her unless I “need something”. She lived with me for 18 years before I went to college. Not once, during that entire time, did I ever pick up the phone and call a friend just for the hell of it. I don’t chat on the phone with people about nothing, I don’t like talking on the phone at all and if I ever do it, it’s to ask a question or make an arrangement. I prefer other means of communication for small talk and such. I don’t know why she expected me to change my habits once I went to college, but I didn’t and it annoys her.</p>
<p>So she calls me about once a week, and interviews me about my previous week. How was my week? The same as the last. Am I sure it wasn’t any different? Yes, quite sure. How are my classes? The same as they were the last time she asked. Have I done anything interesting? Not particularly. Am I sure? Yes, quite sure. What did I do today? I got up, sat around a bit, went to class, did work a bit, made dinner. I didn’t do anything else? I took a shower, forgot to mention that. And so on for about half an hour. This drives me nuts. There is a reason I do not like to idly chat about what I have done in the past week…because I have done nothing worth chatting about. No amount of asking persistant questions is going to change that fact. It’s like she’s annoyed with me because my life is boring.</p>
<p>She does roughly the same thing when I am home on break. I am not on break often and I take the week or two that I have to enjoy the fact that for the moment there is absolutely nothing in the world that I am supposed to be doing. And so at the end of every day when my mother comes home, the “what have you done all day” interview begins again. Eventually we establish the fact that I did, indeed, really do nothing all day. Then she becomes angry. I ask her what I was supposed to be doing all day instead. She has no answer for this. But I should have done “something”. I feel like I am being interrogated every time I talk to her.</p>