<p>BlahDeBlah, your mom loves you and she feels left out. She just wants to connect with you. If you do not have siblings at home and your mom is alone most of the time, then she is also lonely. Since you don’t call her, the burden is on her to call you and initiate the conversation, and she doesn’t know how to do that except by asking questions about your life and your day. You have the power to change things if you want. All you have to do is find a way to communicate about things that interest you – if you don’t like talking about your day or your classes, then figure out what you DO like talking about (politics? books? movies? etc.) and talk about that. “Hey mom, I saw a really good movie this week.” - etc. If you don’t like chatting on the phone, then send her emails from time to time. </p>
<p>Who is paying for your college? Are you at a private college? Because some of us parents feel that if we are subsidizing someone to attend college at $40K a year, we are at least entitled to hear from that person from time to time and have a sense of what we are getting for our money. </p>
<p>Anyway… my point is that you are as much to blame for the tenor of the conversations as she is. She could be a little more sophisticated in how she tries to draw you out, but she isn’t. If you aren’t going to throw her a bone from time to time, the questions will keep coming.</p>
<p>Calmom, I also had a big mobile to mobile day. D. called–broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years. Then called back, she and friends are trying to book a spring break trip, then issues with parking problem with neighbor. Son called couple times with medical update on his illness, wanted to go over class change options, then emailed a paper for parental comment. Older son called because he couldn’t get through to Grandma, so he went to check on her and found that she forgot to turn off phone when she hung up. Sometimes I think I know more about their lives now than I did when they were under the same roof ;).</p>
<p>I second keymom’s opinion. We always talked and yes, when they were in those middle school years, sometimes it was like pulling teeth–but it sure paid off. Blah, my kids sometimes felt interrogated, so I would back off–sometimes it is all in the wording. Interestingly, at times when I backed off, they would often say “don’t you even want to know…?” Sometimes you just can’t win;).</p>
<p>kwtortoise, we would all be glad to adopt you! I’m sorry and sad that you feel your parents don’t have time for you. Do you think they know how you feel?</p>
<p>A point brought up by several posters is that of common ground for conversation. I have read books and watched tv shows that I never would have if not for my kids. But I wanted to know what they were talking about and be able to share with them. Hence, my exposure to Reno 911, south park, Gillmore Girls and Family guy!</p>
<p>mkm56… yes, that is why I am also an expert on X-Files, Harry Potter & Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When my son is home we watch Jeopardy together, which is good because it enables us to continue to converse in single-word bursts.</p>
<p>Well, son called today & wanted to know what gifts to buy his aunt & my best friend’s family with whom we spent a lot of time in August. We chatted about some possibilities & I gave him his dad’s number to call. They chatted a bit & then his dad called me & we brainstormed some more about possible gifts. I then called him back & made a few more suggestions but said mostly they’d probably like to know how he’s enjoying life in college.</p>
<p>Not sure whether son will really call at any particular time or place but am glad he at least IMs his sister who still lives at home & between her & us, we manage to communicate with him at his comfort level. Son seemed more relaxed today when he called, tho I was surprised because it was in the middle of the day here & while I was at work (guess he was done with classes & pondering how to thank folks).</p>
<p>Maybe I’ll start sending him current newsy magazines and/or books from home and/or ask him what he’s thinking about the upcoming elections & current events. Those are things he is comfortable expounding on (I’d better read up, since he’s much better informed about all of this than I am). He never has been a “chatter” witn anyone & does not enjoy talking on the phone to pretty much anyone. Not sure that he’s doing any leisure reading at this point, tho he did enjoy “Freakenomics” & “The World is Flat” last year.</p>
<p>I don’t have siblings but my mother isn’t really alone for any longer than the 20 or so minutes between when she comes home from work and when my father does. A combination of banks and dead relatives pay for my tuition. I suppose we don’t talk because we honestly have very little in common. My political and religious views are nearly opposite my parents’. I don’t go to the movies often and neither do they. My mother reads the sorts of books I’d rather poke out my eyes with a spoon than read. I don’t watch tv. She’s never been to college so she can’t really ask college life-related questions because she has nothing to base them on. But she mostly wants to talk about what I do every day and will steer the conversation back in that direction if it veers off. </p>
<p>I think one of her problems might be that she sits at work and talks about what so-and-so’s daughter does at her college, and then assumes that I do the same things and wants to know why I don’t tell her about them. I do not honestly have an interesting life. It’s like she’s mad at me for not having college girl gossip to supply the ladies at work with.</p>
<p>A bunch of you would probably be a bit jealous of my mum - we speak every day!
For some reason, she’s never got over the initial needing to talk daily thing. Usually she ends up quizzing me about what I had for dinner :rolleyes: And she often has me phoning her, mainly to head off her phone calls so she doesn’t phone at the worst possible time as she used to. This is in addition to emails most days - either funny feminist forwards from her best friend, or ranting about work!
I was really worried when she hadn’t phone the other day for sometime after her usual time. I phoned home, spoke to my dad and asked why - he told me she said “Oh she won’t want to talk to me today - her boyfriend is coming back”. Absolutely flabbergasted! I thought she must have been taken to hospital or something (that being probably the last thing that stopped her phoning!)
My dad I just tend to talk to because he usually answers if I phone home to head off my mum - he doesn’t seem to worry about me as much :D</p>
<p>Several of these posts remind me of time spent driving S to and from school, activities, tournaments, etc. Those were great times for communication. We were both staring straight ahead, cocooned in the car, and talking was so easy. He didn’t yet have an ipod or a cell phone. When he got his license, the hardest part for me wasn’t worrying about him (he’s a better driver than I am), but giving up that communication.</p>
<p>Then his life sped up, his interests were so much more outward-focused, and, anyway, I AM SO STRANGE. (Good strange, he says, but strange.)</p>
<p>Now trying to figure out the delicate balance that will facilitate/promote good quality communication when he’s away at school</p>
<p>And for BlahDeBlah-
I bet your mother is driving you nuts with her questions about your day because she doesn’t know what is important to you (and may not know how to ask). She’s your MOTHER: give her a break. Introduce conversational topics, or ask about her day! All she wants is to connect with you.</p>
Do you mean that you don’t think there is anything about your life that would interest your mom and others… or are you saying that you find your own life uninteresting? I’m asking because I am wondering if you are personally unhappy or dissatisfied and maybe find your mom’s questions frustrating because you don’t want to think about or talk about your dissatisfaction? I certainly do not want to be prying and adding to your frustration, but I found that was an unusual statement. Since you are in college, I would hope that you at least find some of your classes interesting.</p>
<p>When I was at my son’s orientation, the police chief gave a short talk and said (half in jest) and if you don’t hear from them for 2 weeks, you’re worried, call me, no privacy issues here, I just go knock on thier door…or you could just tell them you will." I laughed, but my husband that works at a state school in the police dept. told me it happens. Students, especially freshman don’t realize that they are the same child they were a month ago, they wont call sometimes, answer emails, voicemails, and then they are surprised their parents are worried. Since teachers, unlike highschool, don’t usually keep track of you, you can be “missing” for a while before someone cares. He’s found missing kids, some off medicine, wandering around at night, some passed out and were left, etc. I just told my son, you call or answer my emails at least once a week for now, or he could be truely “independent”. : )</p>
<p>After reading some of the great suggestions regarding kids that don’t write or call, I sent off the following e-mail to my son:</p>
<p>Subject line: phone lost? computer not working?</p>
<p>Dear Son,
Since we have not heard from you in a week I’m wondering if we should cancel your cell service. And have you broken your hands and can no longer use the computer?? I can’t think of any other reason (lying immobile in a ditch?) for you not to have the courtesy to call or e-mail home. Please refer to last e-mail regarding my schedule for the week. No care package will be sent until contact has been made. Mom</p>
<p>Oh, kathiep, that is priceless! I love it and may have to try it myself. I e-mailed two letters to DD the other day, one that included several addresses she had requested and a request for her to confirm her p.o. box number. The second letter was to inform her of some upcoming hockey games this season and to ask if we should buy tickets for her. The response I got was a total of three words - "3806 - " and “of course!” I e-mailed back to tell her that we would occasionally like more than a total of three words. OTOH, I am so very happy that she is so happy at school. She loves Hendrix and has gotten very involved. She’s our one and only, and we thought it would be so much harder than it has been so far. She’s doing great and because she is so happy, we can’t help but be happy, too, even though we do miss her quite a bit. She does love to get packages, so I believe your “prompt” may give us just the thing we need. Thanks for sharing!!!</p>
<p>Well, I am getting contact from S. He called yesterday & asked some questions about the official names of the scholarships/awards he received for college; he’s writing a resume for college for his Intro/engineering course. He called today in response to a message I left on his cell phone to tell me he did NOT take sister’s calculator & he did receive the package I mailed him (with yummy treats).<br>
This is pretty similar to our level of communication when he was home except there are no long car rides for him to get bored enough to discuss whatever he’s thinking about (or anything we hear on public radio during the drive), which is most of the time that he spoke at length about anything. Oh well, maybe over winter break, we’ll have some discussions.
D is amused & says she can’t figure out why we think he’s communicating any less, since he never shared much anyway. :)</p>
<p>Blad de Blah—actually your comments helped me. Its eye opening to consider how our questions can feel like interviews or interogation. I recognize now how my S may feel when I pursue topics about his classes or the day he is having. Perhaps I can try a new approach. For a large segment of this generation long talks on the phone are just not as relevant to the context of their lives. They often use IM and cells to make plans or accomplish tasks and don’t spend much time on the phone with friends so why should it be different with parents?</p>
<p>I thought of this thread when my son called this AM. He’s back at MIT as a senior, which means he has to finish off certain required courses that he’s been avoiding. So the conversation went like this: “all my professors are idiots, I can’t believe I have to take this course, I could be earning money…” </p>
<p>I had to laugh: we’ve had this conversation, in one version or another, every single year since about 5th grade. (He used to say “I could be learning something more important” instead of “earning money”–but the idea was the same: he knows more than the teacher and thinks the teacher/prof knows nothing.)</p>
<p>The funny thing: “yeah, I’m still thinking about graduate school.”</p>
<p>It is helpful to remember that back when I was a student, I rarely spoke with my folks about my classes or teachers either–even teachers I thought the world of or those who thought the world of me. The only way my folks knew I was getting along particularly well with a particular teacher was when I was asked to work for the teacher over the summer (but my folks always made me turn it down & come home to a job they had already gotten – <sigh>).</sigh></p>
<p>I guess the difference is I wrote to them about the fun things I was doing & how I was getting along with various folks, even tho my folks had never met those people (& never did meet most of them). I felt I was doing my part in keeping my family as part of my new world. Perhaps at some point, my S will tell me more of the names of the folks he’s “doing things” with & feels he’s doing a pretty good job of keeping in touch by calling me & asking me for things–just like he does in HI. The more things change, the more they stay the same. <grin> :)</grin></p>
<p>i have an oppisate story for you guys… one day when I was walking around campus, My dad called me, and I said hi dad, what’s up… and he’s like oh, did i call you… i mean’t to call your mother. and hung up. </p>
<p>It’s like this joke between us now… because most parents are begging to talk to their kids during college and my dad calls me - by accident - gets ahold of me, and then proceeds to hang up. </p>
<p>So now when he calls my moms phone I answer it and try to trick him into thinking he called me again.</p>
<p>fendergirl-That could so be me! My jaw would drop if my dad every called me, lol. All I ever get is checks in the mail. (which is nice, and I’m thankful, but honestly I’d rather have a phonecall)</p>
" and “of course!” I e-mailed back to tell her that we would occasionally like more than a total of three words. OTOH, I am so very happy that she is so happy at school. She loves Hendrix and has gotten very involved. She’s our one and only, and we thought it would be so much harder than it has been so far. She’s doing great and because she is so happy, we can’t help but be happy, too, even though we do miss her quite a bit. She does love to get packages, so I believe your “prompt” may give us just the thing we need.