<p>My student is an introverted, observation-oriented rising senior. He has said he wants to go to college, but has done little more than look at the avalanche of pamphlets, and that dropped off quickly. When asked where he’d like to go, he doesn’t know. He likes the idea of Ringling (he wants to major in comm or film, and has lots of experience, etc.) but realistically that’s just too far away. So, we’ve visited Newhouse, Ithaca, and Emerson. (all on my intiation, with his okay) He barely says anything about any of them. He doesn’t like Syracuse and we had a poor visit there, thinks Ithaca is too small, and Emerson too concentrated on radio. We live in a college town (PSU/UP) and he likes it best—comfort or honest interest, I can’t tell-- but their program is not nearly as comprehensive as the others and PSU has imho, serious large-school problems. He wants a medium-sized to large school. But is silent about most everything else and shows no actual interest. </p>
<p>This isn’t fear. It isn’t cold feet. It isn’t anger on his part. I feel the clock ticking, and need him to buy-in to the process. We’ve made it clear we will visit anywhere on the East coast. We’ve made it clear he shouldn’t rule things out simply due to money. His grades are great, if not Ivy league. We’ve made it clear he can take a gap year, or go to trade school if he wants, but no response. Suggestions on how to help him ? How to stop helping him? How to step away and let it happen on its own?</p>
<p>The following is a thread from a parent of a student in the spring of their Jr year so a bit younger than your’s but not much. I believe they didn’t yet know what they wanted to study, so you have that going for you. If nothing else you may pick up a few hints. As with anything, take what might apply and discount what doesn’t. It’s a bit of light reading until newer help shows up.</p>
<p>It’s far more typical for boys to be less engaged. I found that I could get my son interested in the early days if I sent him email links to articles about interesting things about different schools. Some were about their engineering schools (his major), some were cool research projects, some were athletic, some were fun student interest from the student paper. i really tried to mix it up. I’d ask him to find something and send it back, that way he’d have to fish around either a blog, student paper, etc, and look himself.</p>
<p>When you say that he likes the school in your town “the best”, does that mean that he is actually showing interest in that?</p>
<p>It sounds like that school is in his comfort zone, since it is close to home, and that, whether consciously or not, he is resistant to going any further away.</p>
<p>Maybe that school would work out, and he will be readier to go further afield after college, or for graduate school-?</p>
<p>My son was not engaged, and when I withdrew, he took over. But another of my kids would just take the path of least resistance. To me, that was fine.</p>
<p>If you honestly think he won’t be happy at the local school, or won’t find the same opportunities, perhaps you can tell him that if he looks at 3 schools elsewhere and still wants to go to the one nearby, that will be fine with you.</p>
<p>I think it is really great that you have let him know that a gap year, or trade school, is fine with you, so maybe it will help if you also say that the local school would be a wonderful option, and see what happens.</p>
<p>p.s. is PSU/UP Penn State University and University of Pennsylvania? Those are certainly great schools if they are what you are referring to!</p>
<p>Hi Greenbutton- you may want to check out Temple University’s School of Communications and Theater. They have a great program and it is not quite as large as Penn State main campus, though it is certainly large enough. Maybe an urban setting would appeal to him or spark his interest? Seems like Penn State is a “safe” choice for him. You can always fall back on that. [SCT:</a> School of Communications and Theater | Temple University](<a href=“http://www.temple.edu/sct/]SCT:”>http://www.temple.edu/sct/)</p>
<p>Yes, we live near University Park, and while I know it has some great attributes, I think the film program is problematic. He wouldn’t even touch a camera until he was a junior; the whole freshman year is Gen Eds in cavernous lecture settings. That’s not the end of the world, but he could get into Newhouse, for example. Much better program, and still a fairly large campus. </p>
<p>Temple, I thought of, but I started realizing I am driving this bus, and that is never good. He is aware of the program and Temple has been pursuing him, but I decided I would wait and let/make him tell us he wanted to visit. My inlaws live in suburban Philly so it would be a simple thing to fit in, but so far he just talks to the alums that call w/o either telling them he’s not interested (something I said he is free to do) or that he’d like to visit.
Blueiguana, thanks for the thread. I read it, and felt less crazy!</p>
<p>How about RISD? I know nothing about the quality of film/photography there, but one advantage is that he could take arts & science classes at Brown.</p>
<p>greenbutton- I have a D who is less than engaged- but if I let her drive the cart we would never have seen any schools. Plan a weekend visit to Philadelphia in the fall. You can visit Temple and Drexel (which also has a film program). Perhaps something will click on the visit. And why not also look at NYU Tisch? If the visits don’t go well, ask him what he did not like about these schools and that will help you narrow down the field. Tell him that he can always go to Penn State- but that he will appreciate having choices when decision time comes. While Penn State is a great school, I would think for a film major seeing a little bit of the world outside Central PA especially in a major city where he will find lots of other artsy people would be a great experience .</p>
<p>Have you had any conversation with him about the future and what will work for you? It sounds harsh but he may need to understand there is a deadline. When my son was at that point we let him know that if he missed deadlines for SATs and four year schools he was welcome to go to the nearby community college but that we would be arranging dorm housing for him and that come September after his HS graduation we expected him to be enrolled in college somewhere or working. Hanging on our couch was not an option.</p>
<p>OP, many of us have to drive the bus at your stage- depite all the motivated kids we see on CC. The idea of college is just too big and too open for some kids to grasp now. In so many ways, the more we try to get them to consider, the more vague it all seems to them.</p>
<p>It’s often said that the kids who seem confused in September are roaring to go, come May. -We can’t predict, but, just in case, that’s why we keep the ball rolling. Try to keep the pressure low., make it comfortable. If it all overwhelms us, imagine how it feels to a 17 y.o.</p>
<p>I agree with lookingforward. Some kids just aren’t into the thrill of the hunt and are very content identifying a college and going forth. Some just need a prod and a short list. There’s a few on CC that have been obsessing since they were 15 and there are many for whom senior fall is plenty of time to think about college and get going. We can’t project our methods for researching and choosing and making decisions onto our kids and they are ultimately the ones that have to succeed in the environment. </p>
<p>My oldest engaged in sophomore year and really enjoyed the entire process and we did a few college visit trips. Number 2 was ready at the end of junior year and looked at a much smaller list and we went on one visit and saw his list. Number 3 will go through this next year and has already announced he’s only applying to 2 maybe 3 places and knows which ones and isn’t particularly interested in any other options when I lob them out there. He is only interested in visiting after acceptances. I’m bummed because I thoroughly enjoy going on visits and working with the kids but ultimately it’s their personalities and desires that drive the process and I have to set my personality and enthusiasm for exploration aside with #3.</p>
<p>RISD is too focused on art in his opinion, which is part of the knock on Ringling (he doesn’t want to have to take drawing classes, etc.). He has health issues that make Florida impractical and unrealistic and I suspect part of his desire to stay so close to home is related. He’s looked at NYU but doesn’t want to live in NYC; in the back of my head I am thinking grad school may be a way to fit in a larger view of the world. Momofthree, I think you are on the right track – I love doing the research, he is not fond of uncertainty so research sometimes just confuses the issue for him. “If I like _____ and it’s okay, why would I keep looking” is how he thinks. Meanwhile, I struggle to not project my own experience onto his (I went to a small private school, which was lovely, but it wasn’t until many years later I realized I was a reallly, really, accomplished high school senior and could have gone virtually anywhere. But nobody told me that, and I didn’t know any better.)</p>
<p>I also think he worries that if he goes to a strictly art school, if he changes his mind he’ll be stuck. (To which my husband said, well, you could transfer someplace else. It’s not that big a deal) RIT is a great suggestion though, so we’ll be looking into that. His older brother is home for a while, and that will give him someone to talk to about things; meanwhile I think I need to chill a little more and just help him with his Common App stuff for now.</p>
<p>greenbutton- how about Pitt? That seems like it would be reasonably close to home but at least far enough away to offer a different experience, as well as a great city with lots of arts and culture. They do have a film studies major. Pitt may be a right-sized school for your S at about 15,000 undergraduates. [Film</a> Studies: University of Pittsburgh](<a href=“http://www.filmstudies.pitt.edu/undergrad/major.html]Film”>http://www.filmstudies.pitt.edu/undergrad/major.html)</p>
<p>We just told D1, “We’re going to go and you’re coming. If you hate it, we’ll keep the visit short and go have lunch elsewhere.” I keenly remember my own mom talking college so much and for so long that, for a long time, I couldn’t engage.</p>
<p>Each trip is a learning experience. Each time she couldn’t envision herself somewhere, she was learning what did matter to her. Her top choice was barely on her list until she visited- in November. </p>
<p>Some of our visits were purposely to obvious mismatches (every area has lots of these.) Sometimes we did a tour, but even just a drive through, in many cases, was enough to flex her thoughts. It worked and she eventually had an idea of what she preferred and where she could satisfy her academic and social interests. And, she is a very happy and productive college kid- at that #1 choice. </p>
<p>(I will say, because of her initial attitude, we kept some of DH’s and my top choices for her until later in the process- we were concerned she’d “auto-diss” them too fast. For those, I created an impartial short-list of plusses and minuses related to her major and some social factors and just gave it to her in the car.)</p>
<p>I would also add that with rolling admissions at Pitt, Penn State and Temple, it would make sense for your son to apply to these schools now- for best chances of admissions and potential merit scholarshiops. The private colleges have later deadlines, so I think I’d put those behind in the priority.</p>
<p>Your son may also be hesitating to commit himself because he is not confident of his chances of admission and does not want to admit to you or himself liking a school too much at this point. Having some early acceptances may give him more reason to want to visit.</p>
<p>As far as the private colleges, I wonder if you might be projecting your regrets at not having gone to a private college on to your son. Is this making you hesitate to consider the public universities like Pitt, Penn State and Temple good options? It sounds as though your son has already expressed a preference for the state school atmosphere, based on his reactions to the private colleges you have already visited. Is it possible that he may be giving you signals that you are hesitant to pick up on because you prefer him to go to a private college?</p>
<p>It seems like you are subtly suggesting a preference for some schools over others, since you instigated the trips to Syracuse, Ithaca, and Emerson, but on the other hand are waiting for him to take the initiative as far as visiting Temple, for example. You mentioned wanting him to have a hands on film program, and Temple does have that. In addition, there will be tons of opportunities for local internships in Philadelphia. I’d think it well worth a visit, myself.</p>
<p>I did go to a private school, about 150 miles from my one-stoplight hometown, and I went to grad school at Rutgers, so I’m not biased private/public. His chances of admission at any place we’ve visited are very good/excellent. We get a staff discount at PSU and I certainly am not against a second child at PSU, I just wanted him to participate in the process in a way that gave him ownership. I “instigated” trips to those three because it is difficult for us to travel, so I didn’t want him to see asking to go as a hardship for us. He remembers visiting several other campuses with S1. Temple and Drexel are the only schools my husband wants to say no to. He is a Philly native and feels S2 is insufficiently streetsmart to be safe (which I think is unfounded, but since S2 doesn’t care anyway, it may not be worth rocking that boat). </p>
<p>That being said, reading/writing all this has made me think about whether I am listening to him enough. The few comments he has made are about size, and what if he has to change his major. Also, he is concerned about being close enough to us, or a large medical facility, in case of relapses or emergencies. Given all that, maybe it really is just a choice between Syracuse and PSU and we’ll see what admissions/financial aid lends to the mix, and then go to Temple’s open house in the fall.</p>
<p>aaah… so dad is the one objecting to city schools…let me just relay an anecdote- when my niece who comes from an upper middle class white suburban area (and also a film major) was going through the college process, it was clear that her mother had reservations about sending her to a big city school and advocated for a private college in a small city in PA. After one semester, my niece was unhappy with both the campus life and the curriculum. Said niece transferred out after one year and is now happily attending Temple U, living off campus, and has adjusted well to life in the big city. She has grown up a lot. I can guarantee you that your son can’t be any more naive and inexperienced, and as he has plenty of book smarts already, he surely can develop street smarts if given the opportunity.</p>
<p>As to not listening to your son…well, the fact that you said that your son told you he didn’t like Syracuse after visiting… and the fact that you still see Syracuse as his best alternative to Penn State…does say something?</p>
<p>Also- when you think about careers in communications and film, it seems to me that dad will have to eventually get used to the idea that son is likely to end up in an urban environment since that is where the career opportunities will be in those fields (whether it be LA, NYC, Philly or whatever). So- perhaps allowing or even encouraging your son to consider a school in a city would be more helpful to him in the long run than trying to protect him.</p>
<p>haha…yes, dad is struggling with the city part, but in the end neither one of us would overrule a decision that isn’t ours to make. I just wish my son was interested in making it, instead of avoiding it. Sighhhh…He didn’t like Syracuse before we went, but really liked Newhouse. I appreciate your input; we aren’t trying to protect him, truly – unless it’s from his own tendancy toward the familiar!</p>