One of the couple prefers to go to a more upscale restaurant for their date while the other is reluctant to do so. Then, once at a restaurant, they may order the food, and drink differently (as in: different price range.)
Re: “you will have to figure out how to handle.”
I actually had a similar “talk” with DS in the past. But I have no idea whether it becomes an issue between them or not. I did notice that at one time they flied to another country to visit one of her family member, DS did not need to pay for the fares. (He used the same credit card as ours so we knew.) Not sure whether he compensated her afterwards. There is in general some indication that their finance affairs have been mingled with each other already. Also, DS’s and ours are not “separate” from each other at all. It could therefore become complicated in the future. (This was probably why DS said he wanted to manage his personal finance last time but nothing happened after he had said that. Like father like son: both of us just do not do this – meaning that we do not know how to log into our account .)
I would worry less about the gifts that you, as parents, give her. I’m sure your son has explained that your family is not extravagant when it comes to gifts. Frugal gift-giving even matches the stereotype of the New England Yankee, so if anything, she probably views it as an endearing cultural trait (although you sound quite generous; I’m thinking more about your husband’s matching that stereotype). And, in any event, it is not likely to affect your relationship with her.
Gift-giving between romantic partners tends to be much more fraught with expectation, but I’m sure your son will work things out and will ably manage any disparity in feelings as well.
Mcat, not to derail Consolation’s thread, but if you want to come up with something that would give most women pause about your son, the fact that he shares bank accounts with his parents would be an infinitely bigger problem for most rational women than the size of any gift you might send or the amount you could contribute to a wedding or any of the other things you worry about. If my daughter told me that she had a 28-year-old boyfriend who was a medical school graduate or near graduate, but who did not have any independent finances but instead shared credit accounts with his parents, I would tell her to run the other way! (Obviously, she might not listen but it would be a problem for me!) I would highly advise untangling your finances so he can be an independent man.
I think there is a lot of variation among Americans too, but yes, there seems to be some Asian preference for large, showy gifts (and not all showy gifts are necessarily wildly expensive there either). Some is new money and some is coming into prosperity in the middle of mass consumerism, brand name awareness, etc.
Puritan or Shaker or Yankee tastes of modesty are certainly not that apparent amongst the McMansion and Escalade crowd, at least before the recession. And I don’t think many of the Asian countries have the large lots and housing stocks to support huge swaths of McMansions either, in Japan, the average house and yard is tiny so maybe more money for say MacAirs and less money spent on furniture loans from Ethan Allen.
And maybe want a prominent cashmere tag on the scarf instead of a tag from 5Below … just kidding here.
I do like the “endearing cultural trait” … description …
@nottelling said it so much better than I:
Gift-giving between romantic partners tends to be much more fraught with expectation, but I’m sure your son will work things out and will ably manage any disparity in feelings as well.
I’d also not leap to conclusions that they had a knock-down drag out about size of gifts and she went and bought that Mac Air anyway …
And … seems kind of OK if she paid a larger share of a joint vacation, especially if visiting her family or something …
Really, these expenses might be really limited in importance to her, if her family is wealthy, and her parent may actually be happy that she is spending money on your son, since that is was they are accustomed to doing.
Are the young generation there Westernized enough to feel comfortable about being hugged already? Somehow I feel it may not the case unless she grew up in a more westernized environment in China (i.e., international schools) or here in the US or other westernized country.
I heard of a case: In the eve of a lunar year, a uncle gave each of college-aged nephews or nieces about $400 US dollars in term of its purchasing power there (not in the US.) This uncle is not even rich and he has multiple nephews or nieces.
It is not uncommon for the elders to save moneys several months to be “ready” for such a gift-giving events.
@oldfort, Is this still the case for this generation of Chinese kids? Although DS’s girlfriend is not Chinese, her culture could share some similarity I think. I am interested in knowing the answer to this question. At this point, I am not very sure about her parents’ stance on this and I can feel that she is indeed very close to her parents (seemingly eager to have DS to be “accepted” by her close relatives and sometimes even friends. There could be a “family meeting” of some sort on her side of family which we may not know.)
I myself was against the odds when the dinosaurs still roamed the world. (But we did suffer greatly because of this. LOL.)
I see more parents becoming more understanding, but when they do put their foot down on something many kids still fold. This is especially true with wealthy families. A lot of those kids will date whoever they want, but when it comes to marriage it is a different matter.
OP said the girl’s father is a physician and mother is a professor. This is more of middle upper class with a well loved daughter.
If the prevailing wisdom is to let the GF be the generous gift giver she is then the same goes for the OP. If the OP is the type to give hugs, then a hug of thanks is fine.
As I said, I come from a family of extravagant gifters, and this was the showy mid 80s to boot! People who are gifters aren’t trying to “impress” or expect the same in return; this is just from their hearts and they happen to have bigger budgets. My parents gave my then-fiancé and me matching Cartier watches. They gave really nice gifts when H graduated medical school and spent $ to travel to attend the graduation ceremonies. They bought us a washer/dryer when we got our first condo. They threw a lavish wedding and bought us our bedroom furniture as a gift.
My H’s family are just poor gifters. Gifts are an afterthought you suddenly realize on Dec 23 you have to buy, and they are inconsistent about even remembering. It’s just different people, in different styles. We actually haven’t exchanged gifts in years with them, though they wrote generous checks for our kids’ graduations which was thoughtful.
My family has modulated our gift giving a lot - much more modest now - but you couldn’t have told us not to give stuff. It would be insulting because it wasn’t done with expectation of the same amount being given back.
I say that the son should accept graciously - it’s ok to express his discomfort but if the girl says “it was really my pleasure” accept it at that and move on.
“. I am interested in knowing the answer to this question. At this point, I am not very sure about her parents’ stance on this and I can feel that she is indeed very close to her parents (seemingly eager to have DS to be “accepted” by her close relatives and sometimes even friends. There could be a “family meeting” of some sort on her side of family which we may not know.)”
Even if you do know, you can’t influence the outcome in any meaningful way. Either the family will be impressed by your fine young man of a son, who appears to be smart, kind and thoughtful and likeable – or they won’t, in which case, what can you do about? Nothing. Then the girl will have to make her own decision as to how much she cares about random relatives’ impressions. Either way – it’s out of your hands, so why are you fretting?
An excellent question, @thumper1, and that is part of the issue for me. The GF is a graduate student with a fellowship from an international company that apparently covers all of her school costs, plus a stipend that is, I believe, actually a bit more than S’s salary. In addition, her parents send her money.
@notelling, ironically I am the Connecticut Yankee and H is from the midwest. The kind of gift giving I enjoy is where I think a lot about the person and what they would like, and search something out. I lean towards modest luxuries that they would hesitate to buy for themselves. My family is small, and I didn’t grow up in one of those situations where one felt that one “had” to get something, anything for a long list of people.
Last year, after much searching, I found a silk scarf for the GF with a floral motif that matched the meaning of her name as one of our gifts. That kind of thing.
That sounds lovely. And I’m sure she loved the thoughtfulness and personalization. You’re apparently a gifter too - just one on a tighter budget than hers
People have different views on appropriate amounts. I am not kidding when I say we had Christmas with literally 30 gifts apiece - and I don’t mean stocking stuffer gifts, but big ones. My parents routinely spent thousands of dollars on my sister and me and honestly I kind of thought that was normal for upper middle class until I grew up and realized that other families in the same income range didn’t do that. We now spend in the $100-200 range for one another. And we have just as much fun!
For D1’s graduation, her BF’s parents got her a set of green coffee cups because green is her favorite color and she was moving into a new apartment. Thoughtful, but not over the top.
I am a big gifter when it comes to my girls. They get big presents for birthdays and xmas, but they do not expect the same from other people. D1 has been to her BF’s house many times. She always brings the family gifts, but nothing too expensive. There is art of gifting. You never want to make someone feel uncomfortable in receiving the gift.
We have a boyfriend spending Christmas with us. He’s asked my daughter to help him choose a gift for us. We bought an inexpensive individual gift (a book - The Martian - he missed the movie … also my son and son-in-law read and liked the book) and a gift card for the couple to share - date night cooking class, not inexpensive but should be fun. My daughter will also get her own gifts from us. However, our three kids exchange gifts with each other. So my other daughter and son want to get the boyfriend something small rather than just have him watch. On the other hand, it might make him feel he should get something for them in turn. This thread (plus another one) has made me think more than I probably should about what to do.
In addition, my husband is Mr. Christmas himself, so another fun gift will find its way into everyone’s hands. He started dressing as Santa after the kids stopped believing. So Santa makes an appearance at some point with gifts and bad jokes. I have nothing to do with this and couldn’t stop him if I wanted. Our kids - all in their 20s - think it the coolest thing. Anyway, Christmas can be overwhelming.
We give nice gifts to our kids as well. It’s just what we do. I wouldn’t say we are extravagant, but we give them decent gifts. We are usually practical.
If the girlfriend wants to give a more expensive gift, and she can afford to do so…fine.
@oldfort, I am actually hoping to find a set of vintage floral teacups for the GF, possibly with plates, since I know that she likes that style of thing. (S bought an unusually nice hand painted Limoges plate for her this summer when we were at an antique show. I was admiring it, and actually thinking about buying it for myself, when he decided to get it for her. She seems to be convinced that I suggested it, but I told her it was all his idea! )
It sounds like your son is in an established relationship that has some history to it. So, I would say he should accept the gift graciously. I am thinking that she might be insulted if he refuses it at this point in their relationship.
When I was single I would never accept expensive gifts from someone unless we were in an established relationship and had been seeing each other for some time. I was uncomfortable with expensive gifts very early on as it felt like they were trying to accelerate or “cement” the relationship when I wasn’t quite ready for that.
I think when you accept or give an expensive gift you are signaling that you are serious about the person.
You should have no trouble finishing vintage name brand teacups…for a song. We sell them at our thrift store for $3. We regularly get donations of these.
We also have a box of them sitting in our basement. But DD claims she will someday want them.
The kind of gift giving I enjoy is where I think a lot about the person and what they would like, and search something out. I lean towards modest luxuries that they would hesitate to buy for themselves. My family is small, and I didn’t grow up in one of those situations where one felt that one “had” to get something, anything for a long list of people.