My son’s GF is an only child from an apparently well-to-do Chinese family. I am very fond of her. She has a pattern of giving extravagant gifts, especially to S. We are not a family that gives extravagant gifts, especially since we endured a lengthy period of financial distress.
H is not only a cheapskate, but he comes from the kind of family where everyone gets a shopping list–socks, a scarf, etc–for the holiday, and it is considered to be poor form to get something “too good”–say, a cashmere scarf–in case someone else gets a cheaper version. I freely admit that I do not understand this AT ALL.
To be clear, I love gift-giving, I just haven’t had the $$ to indulge in it in years. H and I have concentrated most of our gifting $$ on S since he was little.
Anyway, for his birthday, S’s GF gave him a MacAir. I discussed this with him, and he told me that he had told her that a) he didn’t need one, and B) it was just too much and he felt uncomfortable, and he told her so, but she went ahead anyway.
Any ideas on what he should do? I know that he has talked with her about how excessively extravagant gifts make the recipient feel uncomfortable. Yet actually refusing to accept the gift seems unduly hurtful.
In my opinion, he should say thank you, accept the gift, and move on. She clearly hasn’t impoverished herself by buying this gift. He let her know he didn’t want anything that extravagant. There’s not much more he could have done.
I have a friend who continues to buy me gifts, when I have just about got everyone else agreeing to not buy gifts. He is much wealthier than I am. I always buy him a gift, but never anything extravagant (except maybe when he retired). I used to feel very guilty about it,my it now I just accept the gifts and no longer feel guilty.
Gift giving is not something I would worry about as much as does her family know/approve her going out with your son. For wealthy Chinese it is important to marry someone with similar family background. Is she from the States?
@oldfort, yes, I am worried about that too! Her family lives in China. S is from a family that one might call culturally but not completely financially–at this point–upper middle class.
If your son is serious about his GF, I would make sure her family is fine with him (maybe a visit over there or meet them when they come over) or there could be heart break. Not many Chinese kids would go against their parents when it comes to relationship.
To tell you the truth, I think she is more devoted to him than vice versa. That also disturbs me.
I asked her if her parents would come for her PhD graduation this coming spring. She seemed to think that maybe her mother would come, but her father would not be able to. (He is a physician, she is a professor.)
Your son told her how he feels. For whatever reason, GF continues to give generous presents. At this point he can either accept it as part of her personality or decide whether he’s so uncomfortable he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. Either way, the next move is his, not yours. This is something Dear Abbie called MYOB
I think this calls for a thoughtful gift from your son to her, but one that is not too thoughtful … I wonder how the mix of financial, cultural, young love, is all playing out, is she trying to get a really romantic dinner out of him … etc. Bu there is nothing wrong with him picking out a really nice scarf or sweater for her that fits in his budget …
But, I would let him figure out all this, there will be always be more and less generous people, people of limited means who spend a lot, rich people who give not so nice presents, cultures with vast gift giving cults, … etc … along with all the devoted, not so devoted … let alone family approval type stuff … they are just college kids for now … and will figure it out.
Giving it back seems really odd and a bit hostile … I guess he should just do whatever feels the most in tune with their current relationship … and see where it goes.-
PS excess frugality is also something that can be toned down a bit, it also makes people uncomfortable and a bit irked to pick out a not-so-nice scarf … rather than spending $2 more on a nicer cashmere one. Somewhere in the center with adaptions for friends and aquaintances and family members who need it (we have an overly generous and not wealthy relative, so I worked on my kids to make sure they did not take advantage, did not point at expensive things and say I want that, and basic courtesy, and we upped the budget a bit).
What is he going to give her? I wouldn’t say anything to your son, but this kind of disconnect about money, gifts, and whether to respect your son’s stated desire that she not buy the computer may be an early sign of future problems. I would encourage him to be as honest as he can with her about how he cannot reciprocate and how that makes him feel, and then, as the mother, I’m afraid you’ll have to let hom sort it out himself without providing unsolicited advice or observations. But it is a tough one.
By the way, I wonder if people would have different views if the man were buying extravagant gifts for the woman who could not reciprocate. I would hope that I wouldn’t but a teeny tiny part of me wonders if I would be so concerned abt a wealthier guy in a committed long term relationship buying the computer for his girlfriend. I hate that I might feel differently. Food for thought.
Not sure it’s a committed long term relationship at this point, but @nottelling question about gifts from women vs men, etc is an interesting one… It shouldn’t matter … but maybe it does.
Also interesting whether the son likes having a wealthy girlfriend or finds it uncomfortable, or whatever … probably likes the new MacAir (was actually thinking an IpadAir, so was definitely under the money) …
And is the girlfriend wealthy, or is she overspending … all food for thought and of more interest if this is a long term committed relationship …
LOL, definitely, except that she gives us gifts too, and will be here for Christmas! She went to China to visit her parents earlier this year, and brought me back a jade necklace. I made a point of wearing it at Thanksgiving. I haven’t seem her in the scarf and earrings we gave her last Christmas, although I really do not conclude anything from that, I promise!
He definitely isn’t refusing to accept it, since that would be hurtful. Yet he feels uneasy. He has told me several times that he has talked to her about giving excessively extravagant gifts that make people feel uncomfortable. But she is a sweetie, and I am very fond of her
Generosity is a wonderful trait in people … and people are who they are (and the product of their culture and family traditions). Your son should explain that you cannot reciprocate, but buying nice gifts for her (even if not expensive) seems appropriate … She is probably also thrilled to have a place to spend Christmas … and maybe she does really like your son … and regardless of how that works out, it is good for him to have someone really like him and maybe spoil him a bit (so many people seem damaged by early relationships that are not supportive).
If your family is into charitable giving, you could also steer her towards some of that rather than extravagant gifts.
Also, I see that he is talking to you about this … which is great too …
I say accept it and move on. What is extravagant to him may be nothing to her. I assume she doesn’t appear to expect any kind of tit for tat, but graciously accepts whatever he gives her?
I guess that one thing that worries me is that she may think that he is IT for her, but he doesn’t necessarily think the same, although he is serious about her…
So, he told her how he felt, how he’d like her to stop, and she…ignored him? So he then ignored his own feelings of discomfort in order to comply with her behavior? Yikes. Red flags much?
Imagine if this were a BF, who ignored a daughter’s requests…would we not hear at least a few questions about his suitability? Regardless, this is the son’s difficulty to deal with, but I wouldn’t be shy about telling the GF how it makes you feel – both being given extravagent gifts, and seeing his wishes ignored.
OP, I am not sure how wealthy your S’s GF is. But I have the impression that people on that side of the ocean tend to give gifts more often and more generously, especially between a couple, or between parents and offsprings. Call it shallow, there is a joke that goes like this: For gift giving, it is not the thought that goes into it that matters; rather, it is the dollar value and the name of the brand that matter.)
My family could be in a similar situation (“finantial distress” part.) The family of DS’s GF may not be as wealthy as your S’s GF. She did not “shower” him with expensive gifts at least, as far as I know.
Actually, DS originally hesitated to date her because of the perceived disparity of family’s SES background but it turns out this is not the case. (But still, she went through the private education all the way, and heard that her family owned some property in some expensive area, very unlike our family’s situation.)
“she gives us gifts too, and will be here for Christmas!”
@Consolation – Ah, that’s another wrinkle. I see how this could be awkward, but if she gives you a slightly over the top present, simply thank her warmly, give her a hug – and enjoy the gift. By now, the young lady probably understands you may have simpler tastes, but she may want to indulge you anyway just because she likes you. She senses you’re fond of her, and she wants to reciprocate the affection.
Giving may simply give her pleasure. I had a relative like that - he bought me a car when I was 18… a classic Mustang… my mother was appalled. I loved it. And that was the idea.
