Hello!
I’m going to preface this by asserting that I do not intend to utilize my sob story for emotional appeal purposes here or in future application processes, but for the time being, I am having a very difficult time objectively reflecting on my circumstances and might benefit greatly from the forced stoicism that comes with posting the details on a public forum. I’ll post them in list form to avoid developing pathetic narrative:
-i have a very high iq, was labeled gifted at an early age, and am passionately curious.
-spent most of high school avoiding physical and emotional abuse, protecting my sibling, and developing deeply ingrained identity problems.
-i have excellent SAT and ACT scores and a very, very bad high school GPA.
-i graduated high school in 2013, a couple months after my alcoholic parent took my younger sibling and abruptly moved across the country without me or my father
-opted to take the year following high school off to work, help my father, and establish structure in my own life.
-applied to a local accredited institution, was accepted, happened upon a boy who understood me, and eagerly started school full-time in fall 2014
-broke down 3/4s of the way through the semester; i was shoulder-deep in self doubt and lacked a stable support system to help me navigate adulthood, so i focused entirely on independent study (obviously a maladaptive defense mechanism) and stopped attending classes entirely
-enrolled in the next semester of school without mending any of my issues, but i did very well. my alcoholic parent reconnected with me and claimed she had been sober for half a year. after a couple months of healthy correspondence, i agreed to visit my parent and sibling over spring break
-had a very severe tonic-clonic seizure at the airport (no history of epilepsy) which left me with retrograde and anterograde amnesia for three months. couldn’t maintain a concept for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. withdrew from school and suffered no immediate personal consequences because of the amnesia
-eventually emerged. i had been saving up to travel abroad with previously-mentioned boy and his parents. everyone encouraged me to go and i did. i also re-enrolled in school for the following fall semester. my sibling escaped my mother and came to live with my father and i.
-school started. i have been experiencing intermittent brief episodes of absolute amnesia of which i have no recollection. have seen a neurologist, but the process is slow. sought therapy meanwhile, was prescribed a narcotic that interfered with my ability to do schoolwork. now i am trying to stop taking the narcotic but every time i do, it seems to provoke more epileptiform activity.
It seems as though my only choice at this point is to withdraw from school again, but I feel so angry and can’t help but think this will seal my academic coffin, so to speak. School is very important to me and I am struggling to consider any of this without crying and descending into a cyclone of vague negativity. My priority has to be my mental health right now or something irreparably devastating could happen, but I need a way to consider my options before I let go and forgive myself.
If anyone were to help me think logically about the options I have, I would greatly appreciate it. I am a talented and impassioned physics student with Ph.D goals. Is there anything I can do?!
Sorry about the length of this post.