I may be coming into some additional cash in the future and will ponder gifting to our children.
Child 1: Married, owns home, dual high income. Spouse very much our child to us. No grandchildren.
Child 2: Currently in grad school. Expected income post graduation will be decent but not ultra high. Will eventually do well but will get a much later start and have loads of student loans.
Made up numbers but let’s say I have $6000 to gift.
Option 1: gift each child equally $2000 for a total of $6000
Option 2: gift $3000 to child one and spouse as a couple and $3000 to child 2 for a total of $6000
Option 3: gift each child $1500 and put an additional $1500 toward child 2 student loans for a total of $6000
Option 2 - the money (in my opinion) should be divided equally among the biological “children” spouses are not included, nor (if there were any) are grandchildren.
Another vote for option 2.
I’ve told my kids that any cash gifts I give (that aren’t for occasion) will go to my kids, and they can choose to split it with spouse or not. It has nothing to do with whether we like the spouses or not, it’s just what I’ve decided to do. IF one is still married in many years, I’m of course free to change my mind.
Also, I may contribute something to college fund for kids that don’t exist yet, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Is there any reason not to simply put it all towards paying down grad student’s student loans, under the principle that parents help children pay for education?
I’m another vote for Option 2. DH is part of a family that does not gift equally between siblings and it can be hurtful. We gift equally to our children and grandchildren. In-laws are not included individually, but definitely benefit from what is given to the spouse.
I give according to need. One kid makes quite a bit and has a lot of savings. One kid has a serious psychiatric diagnosis and has not been working. One kid has substantial medical bills and is in transition from doctoral program. You can guess how I am apportioning whatever help I can give and the amounts are all different.
So I would do $4k to one and $2k to another and none for the 3rd. But this is according to real need and what I have to give.
This is a different issue than a will, where I indicated equal shares of whatever might be left.
I also consider it fair to compensate for societal factors: gender, and how different fields are paid. For instance, software engineering vs working with troubled kids or working in the arts.
My parents gifted each of us (4 total
kids) an equal amount for years. They were very close to our spouses and even though the check was written in each of their child’s names, it was always talked about as a family gift. No drama, fair across all of us and we remain grateful for their generosity and fairness. Two of us put in 529 plans, another sib used 1/2 for amazing yearly family travel with their kids and saved some and the other just spent and did not save. Never any judgment from my parents.
They also had provisions in their will for our spouses, but again - all equal.
I view it as a gift, which means letting go how it is spent and hope to continue this gift tradition with our kids.
OP has not suggested that the prior help given towards education has been different. The older sibling has presumably been working longer in a higher paid field and paid down their debts from college.
That raises a more broadly applicable question: if your financial circumstances change for the better between your older and younger kids going to college (say an inheritance), do you just direct that extra money to the younger kid instead of sharing it between them? Or for that matter if they get worse (say losing a job), would you ask the older kid to help out their sibling?
And it should surely be the kid’s choice as to whether to pay down student loans or do something else with any gift.
While including the DIL is out of love, it is also a "singles penalty " to your unmarried kid. There are a lot of those already, so no need to pile on.
Let me tell you what my bff’s mother did. It’s your example to the extreme.
Mother with four kids divided her will eight ways:
Married son got an eighth, wife got an eighth and each of his kids got an eighth.
Married daughter got an eighth, and her dh got an eighth
Unmarried daughter got an eighth
Unmarried daughter got an eighth
In other words, her ds and his family got HALF of her estate. I call bs on that, especially because my bff, one of the unmarried daughters, handled most of the mother’s care later in life.
So, giving money to your ds1 AND his wife means that family unit gets double ds2. I don’t even care about the need of ds2, who I could argue could use the money more. What I disliked about my friend’s mom’s will is that there is an implied bias toward/approval of certain life choices.
I gave ds1 money for his wedding several years ago. I didn’t give any money to ds2 at the time as he wasn’t getting married, but the plan always was to give him something should he marry as well. But you know what? What if he never married? So, because he’s a contract worker, I gave him money a couple of years later to fund a Roth IRA (see cc thread on that!). Different needs but that’s what felt most “fair.”