I could see it happening as well especially if there were other types of baggage or favoritism swimming in the air. At the same time, as the parent in that situation, I would try to push back against my children comparing gifts from their grandparents. If my engineering child complained to me about his artist brother receiving more, I would reassure him that it is not a sign that his grandparents loved him less. I guess that I think we have a role to play as adults to help our kids not equate money with love. And we have a role to play as children in not jumping to compare what we got with what our siblings and cousins got. Some of this measuring and weighing of monetary gifts is a choice that we make, and at least sometimes we can make another choice rather than giving into the belief that our worth is being tallied based on how much money we are given. Again, I will point out a personal example. I spend a lot more quality time with my mother than the sibling to whom she has been given money. We have a closer relationship I really think that I would have to blind to believe that this sibling is somehow more loved or valued than I am. So why go there in my head just because that sibling got a monetary gift or two that I did not? Choosing to do so is unnecessarily stirring up my emotions for no reason besides creating family drama.
When one kid receives a second hand game with missing pieces, and the other receives a new playstation, thereās no way on earth I am trying to frame that as anything but what it clearly is. I donāt interpret for my kids , I let them draw conclusions. (And they did) Ymmv.
(We would tell them both ā your grandparents are who they are, and we wouldnt make these choices and think it is wrong, but thatās what theyāve done)
By saying that you think it is wrong, you are interpreting for your children just as much as I am when I say that I donāt think a specific gift is a symbol of how much their grandparents love them individually. I am not lying to my children about my values or trying to manipulate them. I donāt believe money is as important as other ways that family members connect with each other and I remain surprised that so many other people think so.
In my family experience, there is always more to outright favoritism than just unequal distribution of money.
To make it crystal clear, thereās a term people use, per stripes. It shouldnāt have been an issue.
It kinda is when it comes to gifting.
On the flip side, I donāt see how inequality couldnāt affect relationships.
But then I have relatives who have imagined slights of any sort. Makes up stuff just to be slighted
Huh. I have several friends whose parents divorced when they were young. The parent who moved out gave money and expensive gifts to assuage their guilt over their inability to be emotionally or physically present for their children. Yeah, the parent gave more money to their older children and than to the half-siblings from a later marriage, but they gave much less time. The money and gifts did nothing to help the older kids feel equally loved.
Thatās fair. I guess I thought saying āwe wouldnt do this and we think it is wrong but they are who they areā was validating the wounded oneās feelings of dismissal without making it our job to correct it, or saying Grandma is terrible for doing it. But your point is well taken, thatās sharing an interpretation.
Ummmm @Youdon_say I donāt want to violate my family privacy any more but the idea that engineers work hard and artists ācoastā waiting to āmake it bigā is very far from the picture for people in the arts. Teaching in the arts is also hard work and does not pay well.
Again, I define need by things like rent, medical expenses and food. One of mine needs that kind of help.
The āengineerā and I have discussed this at length. I described what I do. Can we just leave it at that?
I know. I have one in the arts. Thatās why I said donāt come after me. I donāt think that way at all. But I know people who do.
Sound like the winner is Option 2. But lots of interesting tangents, some of them giving food for thought on estate planning (another active topic in discussion).
Is this substantially more than would be spent on a non-monetary Christmas gift (jewelry, clothing or whatever)? Is it additional to that gift? Iām interested where the dividing line is, because I canāt imagine getting upset that a new family member receives a non-monetary Christmas gift, which could easily cost the aforementioned $100 or more. But I might do if it was a substantial amount (say enough to affect my vacation choices for the next year). Would it be the same if it was gift to a grandchild instead of a DIL?
Thank you all for your input. I love a good lively discussion and Iāve read every reply.
As I said earlier, Iām from a large family. My mother gifts cash to individuals not householdsā¦. In-laws and biological children alike. I was the last of the siblings to get married so there were many years where I was the single person. It never once occurred to me to be upset or to think that any household was getting more than I was. That being said, based on the current discussion I have eliminated option one although I guess Iām not as strongly against it as many here are. Iāve also eliminated option 3.
Option 2 is the clear winner however I have narrowed to option 2 and the late addition option 4 (equal amounts to each biological child for whatever they want with an additional amount paid directly to child 2 student loans)
I have had several siblings who at different times received help from my parents when they were in need. I never received additional help and never wanted it. I never thought twice about the siblings who got help. I never felt sighted in any way. I was actually happy for them that my parents had the means to help them. At one point I even personally loaned a sibling a significant amount of cash. I was paid back eventually but I had already determined that I would never ask for it back and that I would consider it a gift if never paid back. Sibling needed much more than I did at the time although I wasnāt ārichā by any means.
So while I have narrowed to option 2 and option 4 Iām leaning on option 4. It seems fair to me! Both households will get the same amount of fun money. Paying toward the student loan just slightly helps child two toward getting out of debt and that should in no way affect child one.
Option 4 would make me feel better at least as of right now. This in fact could change by the time this actually happens.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
Glad we could āhelp.ā 
@Twoin18 ā¦ non monetary gifts are basically stocking stuffers . Random stuff we gather up on travels that are small and fit in luggage and/or stuff I see that I like. We also gift time together if they can come; we rent the house (in Hawaii for example and pay for food and rides for everyone, but they have to get themselves there.)
HOWEVER, now we have a granddaughter to add to the complexity and to the mix!!! DH and I have been discussing options. I gave my dadās example above, DHās family didnāt do gifts of any sort that I knew about since we were together , but probably gave to the younger (by 13 years) son still at their home. So there is that family expectation to cover as well.
It is great that there were options and happily someone thought outside the box I was in! When anyone asks why after mumble mumble years I am still on CC, yep, those smart people suggestions is why.
My siblings have asked me what help I have received in the past. Iām from a large family and there has absolutely been some unfair gifting that at the time was considered lending, but now that one parent has passed on, there is a big knot to untangle. Definitely, there is resentment towards one grifter sibling and her husband. Iām glad I had an only child, but if I had more, I would just split the money evenly between the biological children.
Another idea, thatās something I kind of did.
When I inherited a small amount of money, initially Iād hoped my family could do something together to honor the person I inherited it from.
When I realized that wasnāt going to happen, I decided I would give each kid a certain amount of money for something āfunā the person would be happy to see the money used for. For example, one of the kids is into very expensive sports equipment, so I gave that kid money for that. I didnāt give it all at the same time, but I did give an equal amount.
So for OP, you could give the loan money now, and maybe at some other time, if thereās a need or want from your other kid, you could help with that.
We did not feel any need to keep college education costs the same or give the monetary difference to the other kids (and made that clear), but at Christmas, we give our kids and SOs presents, but only give cash to our kids. They can make it a joint gift with SO or not.
So many thoughtful options presented here.
For occasions, I gift to the person, so Ds, SILs, S, DIL, GKs get Birthday and Christmas gifts in the same cash amount (GKs cash gifts are to their 529s, but they get something fun to open, too). I have helped some with home purchases/repairs/weddings but I have a running spreadsheet with the intent that all my kids will be gifted the same amounts.
I would think that I did a poor job of parenting if one of my kids would consider my gifts to their nieces or nephews as unfair because that would mean their sibling got more.
As for college, each got their undergrad education supported with what they needed. One had a car which was necessary for internships; one needed flights to get there and back; one required summer sessions at additional cost. Didnāt keep track of amounts. All graduated (and did their own further education).
Not sure it was this thread or the estate planning thread that has me reconsidering my own plan. I currently have things divided into 3 with per stirpes. Someone mentioned adding a share with the extra share divided among all the grandchildren. Something to consider and discuss with my financial planner.
The favoritism issues reminded me of a partner in my accounting firm when I was first out of college. He was the father of six children. They probably ranged in age from 2 - 12 at the time. His parenting technique was that if one whined something was, āunfair,ā between them (e.g. āSusie got this and I didnāt,ā or, āSusie got to go to this and I didnātā) heād just look at the complaining child and would deadpan say, āI like Susie more.ā Iām not sure if that was brilliant or awful parenting.
Another way to divide although it doesnāt apply here. I know of a family with two kids. When they split dessert between the two kids, dad has one kid divide and the other gets to choose. 